Walked out of my own birthday lunch

[Nevs]

I walked out of my birthday lunch with colleagues yesterday. I know I’ve overreacted a bit but need some perspective from an outsiders perspective.

For context, as I feel it is relevant: I am a very tidy person and big on cleanliness. It’s an ongoing joke with people at work, as I wipe my desk down with antibacterial wipe each morning. My desk is always very tidy and bare, in comparison to everyone else’s, which people pick up on. There’s light teasing in the group but it’s fine, each of us have our own little quirks that make us unique. This is mine. I cannot relax in mess, so therefore my workspace needs the be clean and tidy, as does my house (as you’re probably guessing, no I don’t have kids yet 😆)

I have recently bought a brand new car, from the dealership. Everyone at work knows, they refer to it as my “big fancy car” It cost quite a lot but I’ve been saving for it for a while as it’s a car I’ve always wanted, and guess you could say it was a birthday present to myself. I’ve also had custom amendments to the interior and seats to make it look nicer. (Not trying to boast, as I said I’m just giving context to the situation)

Now on to the actual incident… It was my birthday yesterday. At work we all tend to eat out a local restaurant for lunch when it’s someone’s birthday.

I’m really not big on making a fuss on my birthday to be honest, it’s just another day to me, and I’ve been overwhelmed with work recently, so couldn’t have really done with that extra time to catch up on work. So I didn’t particularly want to go, but still I agreed to go for lunch since I guess you could say it’s tradition. While the restaurant is local, you need to drive there. So 5 of us went in 2 cars- 2 in one car, and 3 including myself, in my car (the two colleagues in my car don’t drive)

As I pulled up to the restaurant car park, I have colleague Sarah in my passenger seat, and Jane in the backseat. Just as we’re about t get out, Jane out of no where pulls out her lunchbox and says “Nev do you mind if I just eat this in here? I can’t eat anything in there right now (she’s on a diet)”
Immediately I’m irritated, as

1. she put me on the spot, she did not warn me before hand
2. as everyone knows, I’m a clean freak and admittedly a bit uptight, I can’t help it. And I’ve just spent a lot of money having my interior upgraded, she knew full well I would be uncomfortable with this, but she choose to put me in that situation anyway

My response was “Um, no? I don’t eat in my car”
She said she wouldn’t make a mess, and suggested for my benefit, as she doesn’t want to keep me waiting, I can leave her in my car with the car keys and she can lock up and meet us in the restaurant when she’s done. I said “Absolutely not. Why didn’t you say you weren’t going to be eating in there before we left?” She looked a bit put out but then accepted it, and said “it’s fine” put her lunchbox back in her bag and got out the car. Sarah would was sat in the passenger seat looked awkward and didn’t say anything.

We got into the restaurant and met the other two, who had already arrived and were seated. While seated Jane mentioned to the other two that she won’t be ordering. They asked her if she’d brought lunch with her, she said she had but she’ll eat back at the office. Then referred to the incident in my car while looking rather self pitying, this is not her usual demeanour, it looked like an act if I’m honest. I took that as she was looking for sympathy and to get the others on her side. Colleague Emma* laughed and said “Nevs as if you didn’t let her eat. Now she has to watch us and be hungry”

At that point I wasn’t happy, and I’m already aware I’m probably more annoyed than nessessary, l said “And whose fault is that? She sprung it on me out of no where” Jane then said she’s mentioned previously she can’t eat out at the moment due to her diet, which is a lie, she has never told me that.
I said she should have eaten at her before we came out. I also said to Jane “I wasn’t going to swallow any discomfort because you’ve put me in a situation you knew wouldn’t be comfortable with. If you feel awkward now, it’s on you” Emma then continues to press and says that regardless, if she wasn’t going to make a mess, it would have been nice if I’d let her use my car. At this point I snapped “My car my rules! That’s the end of the discussion!”
Everyone went quiet and looked awkwardly in their menus.

About 30 seconds go by and no one has said a word. I stand up and said “I’m not sitting in this awkwardness I don’t have time for it anyway, I’m going back” and leave. (Emma’s car is a 5 seater so fits all of them for the drive back, I wouldn’t have left anyway stranded)

I know snapping and walking out was extreme, I’m very stressed with work at the moment. I have my own portfolio that I cannot distribute out to anyone else for assistance. I’m overloaded with work. I think this was why I was so short with them.

I didn’t speak to any of them for the rest of the afternoon, everyone was quiet. I’m not dreading Monday, but I am anticipating another awkward atmosphere and I don’t even know how to go about it.

I know my delivery was unreasonable, but was colleague also unreasonable? Or am I just a snappy nightmare?

What a weird situation to have put you in, all of them, from the lunchbox in the car to the awkwardness at lunch. What was the point in all that? And no doubt you're the bad guy for responding to it. Equally weird are the people on here who police your response far more keenly than the people acting like children in the first place.

Honestly? I’d rather come crossed a bit unhinged. At least then they wouldn’t take liberties again.

Why is a Range Rover Sport D300 an odd choice exactly?
Price, size, reliability, fuel economy, resale value,...

What kind of a pig would eat food in someone’s car especially if it’s a new car?

She could have ate her lunch beforehand or later and just had a drink with you all in the restaurant.

I don’t blame you for leaving, they sound common and ghastly.

OP I don't think you sound weird or anything. I'm not pristine clean at all and my car is most definitely not my castle (?!?!) but I appreciate some people have a level of cleanliness well above my own. My best friend being one such person. She accepts that my house is nowhere near her level either.

These people do not sound like friends and I would be strictly professional around them from now on. I also agree that it sounds like there was some sort of prank arranged hence the continued pestering.

Sometimes people just like the car they like and don't worry about those things.

I'd really love a Mazda mx5 or an Audi TT. Purely cos I like how they look.

I bought it for the size actually. As I participate in sports, I have a lot of equipment.

Agree it’s costly but I like the aesthetics of it too, I guess it’s worth it to me.

The announcement about not eating but still wanting to come is weird - surely she could have looked at the menu online and made advanced preparations if she's 'dieting' for a treat day? But then the wanting to eat in your car prior to coming in is the icing on the cake. That would have thrown me too YABU. The fact she went on about it to the others in the restaurant afterwards was really unfair too. I'm not surprised you walked out.

I had an Audi TT years ago, they’re lovely cars- if you don’t mind forfeiting space that is!

Your work sounds stressful and maybe there are also resentments and jealousies building among the others that came out in a bad way on your birthday. You didn’t want to be there anyway, because of your workload, and the others did not go in good faith. They don’t sound like friends, or even like supportive colleagues, and perhaps the culture of having everyone automatically go out to a restaurant for birthdays should be dispensed of.

Why not? I’ll even bleach it after.

Seriously now though, OP’s first no was perfectly polite. It wasn’t accepted so she was firmer. Then it continued so that’s how her responses escalated.

I had this once at work. I rarely went out with the team for various reasons , but mostly childcare. One colleague took it upon themselves to convince me to go. We were on the corridor , while I was pushing a piece of equipment and stood in front of me not moving. I was perfectly polite the first time , and second , and third(yes, I am a bit a wet) . Then she said “I’m not moving until you say yes” so I had enough and said “Fine then, stay there I’m not dealing with this shit” and walked away from her and the equipment.

I can’t fathom why she would come to a celebratory lunch if she knew she couldn’t eat and expect to sit in someone’s car and eat. Its bizarre and entitled and she could have avoided it by just mentioning the diet when the lunch was discussed.

You did overreact a bit and you clearly are a bit neurotic about cleanliness but it’s your prerogative, your birthday and your car so she is in the wrong.

And knowing that you weren’t going to tolerate it she was being goady as hell thinking you were going to tolerate it.

What is your relationship with her like overall?

Jane sounds like a complete weirdo, and the oddest part is that everyone else didn't point that out and acted like she was being normal.

It's really rude to go out to a restaurant and not eat at all. As a pp said, she had so many different options, sitting in someone else's car eating out of a lunchbox was the most ridiculous, even apart from your cleaning issues. And to be so rude after you'd been nice enough to give her a lift!

Very gently I would point out that (to me) your level of cleanliness does sound obsessive (less in relation to the car, as I think most people like to keep a brand new car clean, but the other stuff you expanded on), and given you said you don't have kids yet - so presumably might want them - would suggest you try and get some sort of help to relax/deprioritise it a tiny bit, otherwise the almost inevitable mess children create will stress you out in what can already be a very stressful (albeit simultaneously amazing) time of life.

I don't eat in cars ever - well except for a picnic at the beach when the weather got cold and that was decades ago. Your colleagues behaved appallingly. Hell would freeze over before I'd apologize to them. You had boundaries and held them. As soon as I hear the words joshing or banter, I know it's somebody being rude or inappropriate.

There are people in my work who wipe their own desks down daily. It's a thing.

OP I'm.with you, it's like it was some sort of power thing. Good for you standing your ground. I wouldn't have wanted to leave her alone either.

Happy birthday for yesterday.

I've just bought a Mazda lol, its only a hatchback hybrid but still a bit of a step up for me. It will be going down a muddy lane to the stables in a couple of weeks so its never going to look 100% clean externally, but inside it will be. I will allow people to eat inside of it if it was necessary though.

I am uptight.

I guess it’s an excuse to get out the office for lunch more than anything. There’s no where decent to eat nearby.

We do like each other (usually)

I’m just happy to see a woman who is decidedly not a people pleaser while respecting other people equally. We need more of these women in our lives. But the cleanliness thing is batshit tbf

Good for you OP! Perhaps Leaving was a bit drastic but I love the way you put your foot down with this. Too many people would’ve felt awkward, let her eat in the car, and then complain about it afterwards!

🤣

Indeed. I can’t imagine the courtesy cars will be anywhere near as clean inside 😂

Ah. My hobbies mean I can travel light.

Might depend what she was planning to eat. Bit of steamed broccoli - fine, sausage roll - no chance.

I think it's pretty weird to want to eat a full meal in the car either while travelling or while locked in when everyone else is at a restaurant tbh - how long was the drive?! Why couldn't she have just not gone or eaten before?

Awful "advice".

OP has nothing to apologise for. At all.

Why even go to the restaurant just to sit in someone else’s car and eat?? That’s absurd. Surely she could have asked one of the other drivers if she could eat in their car quickly. It’s just stupid.

You’re not being unreasonable to say no but I think you were quite unreasonable in your delivery and storming out. Did you think the awkward atmosphere would end if you left? How did you assume the rest of the working day, and days ahead would go? Because my guess is it was even more awkward.

You could have laughed back and said “well obviously I’m not letting anyone eat in brand new car with custom interiors when Inwont even eat there myself! Who else is offering to let her eat in their car? Surely if I’m being unreasonable that’s the simple solution. Or she can eat back at the office, seen as her original plan was to sit here and watch everyone else eat without ordering anyway.”