Walked out of my own birthday lunch

[Nevs]

I walked out of my birthday lunch with colleagues yesterday. I know I’ve overreacted a bit but need some perspective from an outsiders perspective.

For context, as I feel it is relevant: I am a very tidy person and big on cleanliness. It’s an ongoing joke with people at work, as I wipe my desk down with antibacterial wipe each morning. My desk is always very tidy and bare, in comparison to everyone else’s, which people pick up on. There’s light teasing in the group but it’s fine, each of us have our own little quirks that make us unique. This is mine. I cannot relax in mess, so therefore my workspace needs the be clean and tidy, as does my house (as you’re probably guessing, no I don’t have kids yet 😆)

I have recently bought a brand new car, from the dealership. Everyone at work knows, they refer to it as my “big fancy car” It cost quite a lot but I’ve been saving for it for a while as it’s a car I’ve always wanted, and guess you could say it was a birthday present to myself. I’ve also had custom amendments to the interior and seats to make it look nicer. (Not trying to boast, as I said I’m just giving context to the situation)

Now on to the actual incident… It was my birthday yesterday. At work we all tend to eat out a local restaurant for lunch when it’s someone’s birthday.

I’m really not big on making a fuss on my birthday to be honest, it’s just another day to me, and I’ve been overwhelmed with work recently, so couldn’t have really done with that extra time to catch up on work. So I didn’t particularly want to go, but still I agreed to go for lunch since I guess you could say it’s tradition. While the restaurant is local, you need to drive there. So 5 of us went in 2 cars- 2 in one car, and 3 including myself, in my car (the two colleagues in my car don’t drive)

As I pulled up to the restaurant car park, I have colleague Sarah in my passenger seat, and Jane in the backseat. Just as we’re about t get out, Jane out of no where pulls out her lunchbox and says “Nev do you mind if I just eat this in here? I can’t eat anything in there right now (she’s on a diet)”
Immediately I’m irritated, as

1. she put me on the spot, she did not warn me before hand
2. as everyone knows, I’m a clean freak and admittedly a bit uptight, I can’t help it. And I’ve just spent a lot of money having my interior upgraded, she knew full well I would be uncomfortable with this, but she choose to put me in that situation anyway

My response was “Um, no? I don’t eat in my car”
She said she wouldn’t make a mess, and suggested for my benefit, as she doesn’t want to keep me waiting, I can leave her in my car with the car keys and she can lock up and meet us in the restaurant when she’s done. I said “Absolutely not. Why didn’t you say you weren’t going to be eating in there before we left?” She looked a bit put out but then accepted it, and said “it’s fine” put her lunchbox back in her bag and got out the car. Sarah would was sat in the passenger seat looked awkward and didn’t say anything.

We got into the restaurant and met the other two, who had already arrived and were seated. While seated Jane mentioned to the other two that she won’t be ordering. They asked her if she’d brought lunch with her, she said she had but she’ll eat back at the office. Then referred to the incident in my car while looking rather self pitying, this is not her usual demeanour, it looked like an act if I’m honest. I took that as she was looking for sympathy and to get the others on her side. Colleague Emma* laughed and said “Nevs as if you didn’t let her eat. Now she has to watch us and be hungry”

At that point I wasn’t happy, and I’m already aware I’m probably more annoyed than nessessary, l said “And whose fault is that? She sprung it on me out of no where” Jane then said she’s mentioned previously she can’t eat out at the moment due to her diet, which is a lie, she has never told me that.
I said she should have eaten at her before we came out. I also said to Jane “I wasn’t going to swallow any discomfort because you’ve put me in a situation you knew wouldn’t be comfortable with. If you feel awkward now, it’s on you” Emma then continues to press and says that regardless, if she wasn’t going to make a mess, it would have been nice if I’d let her use my car. At this point I snapped “My car my rules! That’s the end of the discussion!”
Everyone went quiet and looked awkwardly in their menus.

About 30 seconds go by and no one has said a word. I stand up and said “I’m not sitting in this awkwardness I don’t have time for it anyway, I’m going back” and leave. (Emma’s car is a 5 seater so fits all of them for the drive back, I wouldn’t have left anyway stranded)

I know snapping and walking out was extreme, I’m very stressed with work at the moment. I have my own portfolio that I cannot distribute out to anyone else for assistance. I’m overloaded with work. I think this was why I was so short with them.

I didn’t speak to any of them for the rest of the afternoon, everyone was quiet. I’m not dreading Monday, but I am anticipating another awkward atmosphere and I don’t even know how to go about it.

I know my delivery was unreasonable, but was colleague also unreasonable? Or am I just a snappy nightmare?

You all sound a bit batshit tbh.

Like others have said your colleague was totally unreasonable. Ok to ask but you said no and she should have respected that. And it wasn't anyone else's business to get involved in either.

It does seem like as they know you like to be neat and clean and you got a brand new car that they were taking the piss out of you.

Happy birthday and good for you for standing up for yourself

I’m absolutely not a clean freak but even I think it’s completely unreasonable to eat your lunch in some one else’s brand new car!! The smell of food in enclosed spaces is rank anyway. Don’t know why she couldn’t have eaten at the office or order a diet appropriate lunch!

I think they were testing you. There were multiple other options available but they refused to budge.

I'm sure it will probably be awkward but honestly, WHO spends that much on a car and would allow others to mess it up? It's BS and regardless of how they feel they have an acceptable POV, they're wrong.

I also would have walked out. I often ask myself these days, do I actually want to be here / do this / talk to this person? If the answer is no, I don't do it. I'm probably autistic (we have a big family history of autism with multiple family members with diagnoses, so I'm not just throwing the term around willy nilly) but we only get one life, and we get to live it how we want.

Good for you @Nevs. I would have done the same.

I kind of wanted to say something along those lines but thought that would make me sound look a massive tw*t 😂 So I did show some restraint!

To be fair, I’d have felt the same even if it cost £5k. I’ve never eaten in any of my cars.

I’d like to think I’d have done the same.

My feelings on it are they know your personality well enough by now to know that request would have made you uncomfortable. Frankly if Jane is happy to disregard your feelings and try to make out you were in the wrong then there’s no way in hell I’d trust her to be alone in my expensive car and lock up.

She clearly doesn’t respect your opinion or your possessions. The fact she asked in the first place feels like she was trying to take you down a peg. I wouldn’t put it past people like that to ‘accidentally’ leave it open out of spite.

I let my bed air. My desk is cleaned when I arrive and before I leave. We hot-desk.

You should not need to apologise about refusing to let someone treat your car as a refectory.
Storming out was not right but you were pushed.

I've gone to a restaurant and not eaten, but it was because it was because there was nothing I could eat. I'd discussed it with the 'host' before I went.

Why are you working with these women?

(Odd choice of car BTW, but I guess people have different tastes.)

God, I hate people who call anyone with standards ‘uptight’.

What a bloody weirdo lunchbox woman is. Why didn't she eat at her desk before going? Why couldn't she find something diet friendly on the menu? Why did she even go at all? All of that would piss me off even before she got her packed lunch out in my brand new car.

Thing is, you said no and that should have been the end of it. Why couldn't this weirdo have eaten before you all went out? What was the point of going to sit in a restaurant and having nothing to eat? Surely there was something she could have had, like a salad?

I dont think her COD was the main issue here. The passenger was rude and presumptive, I dont have COD but I stopped my husband starting on fish and chips in my car just the other day after Id cleaned the car, she knew what she was doing and as for the whinging in the restaurant Id have slapped her! What terrible company!

I don’t allow eating in my car either. It was second hand but it’s very nice and I love it. Your colleagues sound like schoolgirls ganging up to me. I would have done the same, in your position. I don’t think that you were unreasonable in the face of being pressured.
Happy birthday for yesterday, I hope the rest of the day was better.

I’m not a loud person but I’m known for being firm when needed.

I am generally very polite and fair, however I do not like to people please

You and me both! I think they kind of knew they were pressing your buttons. Maybe they're jealous of your new car. Remember they're colleagues not pals and it's not long until the Xmas break.

Congrats again :)

Similarly, I dont eat/drink in my car or allow others to do so.

Not an OCD thing for me, its just as you say - my car, my rules. Dont like it, then fuck off 😂

You actually think OP should have let this woman sit in her brand new car eating her lunch and then lock the car up afterwards because she also has to get left with the keys? Why on earth do you think that?

Why is a Range Rover Sport D300 an odd choice exactly?

I wouldn’t buy a Mazda or Skoda, however I’d never say they were an odd choice. It’s just personal preference.

I don't surround myself with such uptight people as you and your colleagues so I can't really understand anyone's point of view.

Who sits eating lunch in a colleague's car if you're eating out at a restaurant?

Who cares if a colleague spills a few crumbs in their car?

Who storms out of a birthday lunch like a dick?

You all sound nuts.

not unreasonable to not want her to eat but if that’s verbatim you were horribly rude and mean in how you spoke to your colleagues

You can't come back from this, Op, without recognising that storming out of your birthday lunch is just way too ott. I was with you about not wanting her to eat her lunch in your car but you lost me after that. Apologies need to be made, I'm afraid.

Only person who ought to apologise FIRST is the CF cunt who thought it was a good idea to eat in the OP's car (age of car be damned).

OP owes no one any apology - she did what she did in response to the workcunts behaviour which was fucking appalling and bang out of order.

OP, yanbu, you were not wrong.
Honestly I would be furious at the manipulative imposition.
Well done for pushing back.

Strictly professional going forward.
They sound like complete morons.
I wouldn't want any further involvement beyond strictly professional going forward.

Absolutely no apologising to anyone.
This could be perceived as a bullying type incident, ganging up on you like that.

You were not unreasonable. No one would want food bits in a new car. She was being weird imo

Yeah I don't think you're being unreasonable, I feel exactly the same about a new car and food. And mud, and tissues. It's a new car! Just don't eat in it, I would never have assumed that was going to be ok if I was her. Even if you weren't the clean freak you say you are. Just good etiquette surely?

You don't need to explain or say anything OP.
If anything I think the apology is due from them to you.
The eating in your car was some sort of wind up. It has to be. But you blew their minds by walking out.
As someone else has said. Colleagues. Not friends. But watch your back at work.

I'm with you OP.
You have nice things and some people don't value that but you do. It seems like having standards is considered weird.

No means no not lets try and guilt trip someone until they change their mind.
And many women wonder why they are considered people pleasers and get the piss taken out of them on the daily.