Walked out of my own birthday lunch

[Nevs]

I walked out of my birthday lunch with colleagues yesterday. I know I’ve overreacted a bit but need some perspective from an outsiders perspective.

For context, as I feel it is relevant: I am a very tidy person and big on cleanliness. It’s an ongoing joke with people at work, as I wipe my desk down with antibacterial wipe each morning. My desk is always very tidy and bare, in comparison to everyone else’s, which people pick up on. There’s light teasing in the group but it’s fine, each of us have our own little quirks that make us unique. This is mine. I cannot relax in mess, so therefore my workspace needs the be clean and tidy, as does my house (as you’re probably guessing, no I don’t have kids yet 😆)

I have recently bought a brand new car, from the dealership. Everyone at work knows, they refer to it as my “big fancy car” It cost quite a lot but I’ve been saving for it for a while as it’s a car I’ve always wanted, and guess you could say it was a birthday present to myself. I’ve also had custom amendments to the interior and seats to make it look nicer. (Not trying to boast, as I said I’m just giving context to the situation)

Now on to the actual incident… It was my birthday yesterday. At work we all tend to eat out a local restaurant for lunch when it’s someone’s birthday.

I’m really not big on making a fuss on my birthday to be honest, it’s just another day to me, and I’ve been overwhelmed with work recently, so couldn’t have really done with that extra time to catch up on work. So I didn’t particularly want to go, but still I agreed to go for lunch since I guess you could say it’s tradition. While the restaurant is local, you need to drive there. So 5 of us went in 2 cars- 2 in one car, and 3 including myself, in my car (the two colleagues in my car don’t drive)

As I pulled up to the restaurant car park, I have colleague Sarah in my passenger seat, and Jane in the backseat. Just as we’re about t get out, Jane out of no where pulls out her lunchbox and says “Nev do you mind if I just eat this in here? I can’t eat anything in there right now (she’s on a diet)”
Immediately I’m irritated, as

1. she put me on the spot, she did not warn me before hand
2. as everyone knows, I’m a clean freak and admittedly a bit uptight, I can’t help it. And I’ve just spent a lot of money having my interior upgraded, she knew full well I would be uncomfortable with this, but she choose to put me in that situation anyway

My response was “Um, no? I don’t eat in my car”
She said she wouldn’t make a mess, and suggested for my benefit, as she doesn’t want to keep me waiting, I can leave her in my car with the car keys and she can lock up and meet us in the restaurant when she’s done. I said “Absolutely not. Why didn’t you say you weren’t going to be eating in there before we left?” She looked a bit put out but then accepted it, and said “it’s fine” put her lunchbox back in her bag and got out the car. Sarah would was sat in the passenger seat looked awkward and didn’t say anything.

We got into the restaurant and met the other two, who had already arrived and were seated. While seated Jane mentioned to the other two that she won’t be ordering. They asked her if she’d brought lunch with her, she said she had but she’ll eat back at the office. Then referred to the incident in my car while looking rather self pitying, this is not her usual demeanour, it looked like an act if I’m honest. I took that as she was looking for sympathy and to get the others on her side. Colleague Emma* laughed and said “Nevs as if you didn’t let her eat. Now she has to watch us and be hungry”

At that point I wasn’t happy, and I’m already aware I’m probably more annoyed than nessessary, l said “And whose fault is that? She sprung it on me out of no where” Jane then said she’s mentioned previously she can’t eat out at the moment due to her diet, which is a lie, she has never told me that.
I said she should have eaten at her before we came out. I also said to Jane “I wasn’t going to swallow any discomfort because you’ve put me in a situation you knew wouldn’t be comfortable with. If you feel awkward now, it’s on you” Emma then continues to press and says that regardless, if she wasn’t going to make a mess, it would have been nice if I’d let her use my car. At this point I snapped “My car my rules! That’s the end of the discussion!”
Everyone went quiet and looked awkwardly in their menus.

About 30 seconds go by and no one has said a word. I stand up and said “I’m not sitting in this awkwardness I don’t have time for it anyway, I’m going back” and leave. (Emma’s car is a 5 seater so fits all of them for the drive back, I wouldn’t have left anyway stranded)

I know snapping and walking out was extreme, I’m very stressed with work at the moment. I have my own portfolio that I cannot distribute out to anyone else for assistance. I’m overloaded with work. I think this was why I was so short with them.

I didn’t speak to any of them for the rest of the afternoon, everyone was quiet. I’m not dreading Monday, but I am anticipating another awkward atmosphere and I don’t even know how to go about it.

I know my delivery was unreasonable, but was colleague also unreasonable? Or am I just a snappy nightmare?

These are work colleagues,not family you have to put up with or friends you have chosen .
Keep interaction to a minimum and just be pleasant and polite
In your shoes ,none of them would get in my car again.
I'm really pleased you stood up for yourself,in a situation where she knew she was putting you on the spot and banked on you feeling to awkward to say no .
Here's a big well done 👍
You did the right thing ,the woman is a cheeky mare

You snapping was out of line. These women have been kind enough to put up with you (as you clearly say how you know you're uptight) to take you out to lunch but you can't seem to show them any gratitude or give them grace. The diet, wanting to eat in the car was a weird, selfish request, but also very minor thing that you blew way out of proportion. The fact you don't care what they think of you but you were willing for them to take you our for your bday tells us everything, IMO.

So many threads on MN are written by people pleasers who can't articulate what they really want so I admire you @Nevs for being clear about what you want and sticking with it.
I imagine some people would allow lunchbox lady to eat her lunch because they felt awkward but don't value themselves enough to mean no when they say it.
My bet is a frosty reception on Monday, they will only remember you walking out of your own birthday lunch and blame you for making things awkward. No acknowledgement of their part in it.
Is there a work Christmas party coming up?!!

What about lunchbox lady apologising? She caused the drama in the first place!
Plus she would be attending the lunch, sitting there not eating anything - would make me feel awkward and like I had to rush to get finished.

I can't get over posters thinking it's ok to eat in someone's else's car. Who does that, specially when it's an expensive brand new car? It's so, so rude.

OP, good on you for not allowing your colleague to rail-road you by putting you in position where either you said "yes" (passively bullying you) or say "no" in which case you are seen as unreasonable.

I've never eaten or drank in anyone's cars, close family and friends included. The same goes for them, and I have a couple of diabetic friends.

Your colleague should have eaten at home, and if she wanted to join you all, have a mineral water/sugar free drink. It's what people with a minimum of brain cells and civility do.

But who does the cleaning?

OP has to - because it will piss her off to have a little drop of mayo or grease or whatever on her expensive car interior. It would cause even more stress to insist the food-dropper clean a tiny mark, to the OP's standards, so OP would be left to deal with it by herself and quite rightly, she doesn't want to.

Colleagues knew without a shadow of a doubt that OP would not want anyone eating in the car.

Not letting people eat in the car is pretty common stuff, most people insist on this in a brand new car and many people insist on it period. So even if the OP hadn't had super high standards and been keen to keep her nice car clean and tidy, it's outrageous to suggest you eat in the back of someones new car.

And then to insist on eating before hand (which she could have done in the office before you all left) when everyones going to a restaurant... thats fucking ridiculous.

You did miss a trick though @Nevs you SHOULD have said 'well give her your keys, she can nip out and eat her lunch in your car' to the other driver.

Agree with the poster who said you both sound a bit mad an obsessive. Your life would probably be nicer if you chilled out a bit!

You overreacted (not by refusing to let her eat in your car but by leaving the restaurant). But we all have crappy days sometimes.

I would apologise only because they also took time out of their busy work days to celebrate you, and you ruined it over a minor disagreement, thus wasting their time.

I’m sorry this happened to you on your birthday OP. If they weren’t going to be nice to you at your birthday meal then why were they even there?!

As others have noted, the woman on the diet could have had a starter/ side salad/ soup and eaten with the group like a normal person! Sitting in your car alone to eat is just weird.

I am not a car person so don’t tend to think about how important some people’s cars are to them. So I might ask to eat in someone’s car if I was hungry. But if they said no I would accept it the first time as it is their space.

Hopefully this will blow over as you have stated your boundaries. They might be off with you but they sound annoying anyway!

You absolutely did the right thing. I don’t think you need to be a ‘clean freak’ to respect a brand new car you have saved for and clearly love. Nobody should be putting you in a situation where they expect to eat in it and potentially make it dirty. The fact she also suggested being alone to eat in your new car- can you imagine if she did spill something and tried to cover it up? No way.

I also can totally see why you stormed out. It will create an awkward atmosphere at work so that’s the downside but I think you did the right thing. It wouldn’t have been enjoyable staying there.

You sound on the slightly uptight side of things and your colleagues sounds batshit rude. (Or she possibly has an eating disorder.... does she eat in front of others ever? I have a horror of doing so and it's something I need to work on).

FWIW I think the colleague is totally wrong. This is your pride and joy and you like things to be clean. That is entirely your right. (My car is not nicknamed 'the wheelie bin' for nothing).

I applaud you though for walking out. I have been on the receiving end of not so good natured ribbing in work situations (about my accent mainly) and I wish I had the balls to just say 'enough'.

Oh- and Happy Birthday. And congratulations on your beautiful new car!

Yes. Wondering if all the women have different personalities and you could write a sitcom around them.

Outrageous behaviour from the dieter.

And for context, my car isn't pristine. I have no problem with people eating in it but friends ALWAYS ask and I wouldn't dream of even asking to eat in someone's new car especially in the circumstances you described

Blimey, your workplace sounds fun. How awkward all round! Your colleague sounds like she has good issues, you’ve got cleanliness issues and you’re all horrible to each other!

All I can say is well done OP. Your car your rules and I’m glad you left. I think people have been brought up never hearing the word no and then this is the kind of stuff that happens! I do eat in my car even new ones but there’s no way I would…

1. ask to eat in anyone else’s car except maybe my friend I’ve known for years
2. if I did and they said no, push it any further

You totally overeacted and were unprofessional towards your colleagues, whether you wish to concede this or not. In fact, you basically admit this in your OP, see relevant points highlighted below for ease of reference. Snapping to colleagues that its 'my car my rules! thats the end of the dicussion' comes across as a bit rude, intensely dramatic and inappropriate.

At this point I snapped “My car my rules! That’s the end of the discussion!”
Everyone went quiet and looked awkwardly in their menus.
About 30 seconds go by and no one has said a word. I stand up and said “I’m not sitting in this awkwardness I don’t have time for it anyway, I’m going back” and leave. (Emma’s car is a 5 seater so fits all of them for the drive back, I wouldn’t have left anyway stranded)
I know snapping and walking out was extreme.

You are very keen on asserting your boundaries at the same time as commanding people as to how they are permitted to converse.

Why did you not just say we need to agree to disagree and move on? Your stance on your new car is totally acceptable- your stance on your behaviour and response is not acceptable - in my opinion. I think you are aware of this and methinks the lady doth protest too much. Anyone completely comfortable with their behaviour would not need to start a thread on mumsnet for validation, just sayin'.

Lunchbox woman was totally out of order. Op you should have told her to go and eat in the other car. Realistically she should have eaten her lunch beforehand.
You need to greet everyone on Monday with pleasantries and just move on.

She knows she could have handled it better. She says as much in her post

You do sound uptight about cleanliness but still within the realms of normal. You colleague though, very very odd. I wouldn't ask to eat in someone's new car unless it was very obvious this wouldn't bother them, I also wouldn't ask for the keys to someone's new car either.

The main takeaway (unintended food pun!) for me was that you walked out of your own birthday meal; that was ungracious. You were busy but perhaps the others were too, they still made the effort. Lunchbox-diet-woman was out of line (you’re right; your car, your rules) to harp on about it at the table, but you went nuclear by walking out. You could maybe approach colleagues one-to-one to quietly apologize for overreacting, explaining you were stressed with work, and thanking them for making the effort to attend your birthday lunch. Also, happy belated birthday!

I don’t think you did anything wrong. It was a bit cheeky of her to ask but some people are like that so saying no and dropping it is fine. But it’s the fact she kept going on about it and they all joined in like it a normal event to agree to attend a meal and then sit in someone’s car and eat!! She should have either ate before or after or not gone.
I could not entertain this level of stupidity either.
How were things after? I’d have taken a stoic approach and been clear they are unreasonable but risen above it and if any hint of a meal is suggested for next year I’d say no thank you not after the way I was treated last year!

Why did she come if she’s not eating

why didn’t Emma say she could sit in her car
and eat?

The pair of you sound a nightmare to be honest.

Jane should have had a quiet word with you first about her diet and not eating in the restaurant. And when you said no, she could then have made other arrangements. She was a CF springing it on you like that in front of Sarah. However, Jane did ultimately respect your boundary and didn't eat in your car. There were opportunities you could have taken to de-escalate that situation, but instead you brought the drama level up, treated her like a naughty child in front of her peers and then walked out.