Walked out of my own birthday lunch

[Nevs]

I walked out of my birthday lunch with colleagues yesterday. I know I’ve overreacted a bit but need some perspective from an outsiders perspective.

For context, as I feel it is relevant: I am a very tidy person and big on cleanliness. It’s an ongoing joke with people at work, as I wipe my desk down with antibacterial wipe each morning. My desk is always very tidy and bare, in comparison to everyone else’s, which people pick up on. There’s light teasing in the group but it’s fine, each of us have our own little quirks that make us unique. This is mine. I cannot relax in mess, so therefore my workspace needs the be clean and tidy, as does my house (as you’re probably guessing, no I don’t have kids yet 😆)

I have recently bought a brand new car, from the dealership. Everyone at work knows, they refer to it as my “big fancy car” It cost quite a lot but I’ve been saving for it for a while as it’s a car I’ve always wanted, and guess you could say it was a birthday present to myself. I’ve also had custom amendments to the interior and seats to make it look nicer. (Not trying to boast, as I said I’m just giving context to the situation)

Now on to the actual incident… It was my birthday yesterday. At work we all tend to eat out a local restaurant for lunch when it’s someone’s birthday.

I’m really not big on making a fuss on my birthday to be honest, it’s just another day to me, and I’ve been overwhelmed with work recently, so couldn’t have really done with that extra time to catch up on work. So I didn’t particularly want to go, but still I agreed to go for lunch since I guess you could say it’s tradition. While the restaurant is local, you need to drive there. So 5 of us went in 2 cars- 2 in one car, and 3 including myself, in my car (the two colleagues in my car don’t drive)

As I pulled up to the restaurant car park, I have colleague Sarah in my passenger seat, and Jane in the backseat. Just as we’re about t get out, Jane out of no where pulls out her lunchbox and says “Nev do you mind if I just eat this in here? I can’t eat anything in there right now (she’s on a diet)”
Immediately I’m irritated, as

1. she put me on the spot, she did not warn me before hand
2. as everyone knows, I’m a clean freak and admittedly a bit uptight, I can’t help it. And I’ve just spent a lot of money having my interior upgraded, she knew full well I would be uncomfortable with this, but she choose to put me in that situation anyway

My response was “Um, no? I don’t eat in my car”
She said she wouldn’t make a mess, and suggested for my benefit, as she doesn’t want to keep me waiting, I can leave her in my car with the car keys and she can lock up and meet us in the restaurant when she’s done. I said “Absolutely not. Why didn’t you say you weren’t going to be eating in there before we left?” She looked a bit put out but then accepted it, and said “it’s fine” put her lunchbox back in her bag and got out the car. Sarah would was sat in the passenger seat looked awkward and didn’t say anything.

We got into the restaurant and met the other two, who had already arrived and were seated. While seated Jane mentioned to the other two that she won’t be ordering. They asked her if she’d brought lunch with her, she said she had but she’ll eat back at the office. Then referred to the incident in my car while looking rather self pitying, this is not her usual demeanour, it looked like an act if I’m honest. I took that as she was looking for sympathy and to get the others on her side. Colleague Emma* laughed and said “Nevs as if you didn’t let her eat. Now she has to watch us and be hungry”

At that point I wasn’t happy, and I’m already aware I’m probably more annoyed than nessessary, l said “And whose fault is that? She sprung it on me out of no where” Jane then said she’s mentioned previously she can’t eat out at the moment due to her diet, which is a lie, she has never told me that.
I said she should have eaten at her before we came out. I also said to Jane “I wasn’t going to swallow any discomfort because you’ve put me in a situation you knew wouldn’t be comfortable with. If you feel awkward now, it’s on you” Emma then continues to press and says that regardless, if she wasn’t going to make a mess, it would have been nice if I’d let her use my car. At this point I snapped “My car my rules! That’s the end of the discussion!”
Everyone went quiet and looked awkwardly in their menus.

About 30 seconds go by and no one has said a word. I stand up and said “I’m not sitting in this awkwardness I don’t have time for it anyway, I’m going back” and leave. (Emma’s car is a 5 seater so fits all of them for the drive back, I wouldn’t have left anyway stranded)

I know snapping and walking out was extreme, I’m very stressed with work at the moment. I have my own portfolio that I cannot distribute out to anyone else for assistance. I’m overloaded with work. I think this was why I was so short with them.

I didn’t speak to any of them for the rest of the afternoon, everyone was quiet. I’m not dreading Monday, but I am anticipating another awkward atmosphere and I don’t even know how to go about it.

I know my delivery was unreasonable, but was colleague also unreasonable? Or am I just a snappy nightmare?

It's the height of bad manners to eat and drink in other people's cars, obviously there are exceptions but generally that's just a fact.

But, that aside, the first thing I thought was that this was a set up. They were hoping to watch you squirm, but you put the kibosh on their crappy little prank and left them sitting there looking like idiots.

The ringleader will have it in for you now, watch your back.

I think it's rude to eat in someone's car/home without permission. She asked and you declined, that should have been the end of the matter. Bit strange of her to tell the others and stranger still for them all to gang up on you, at your birthday dinner! I actually think you were brave to walk out. I would have stayed and ordered my meal, being trapped for an hour in awkward silence! Well done you. Other people made it feel uncomfortable and slightly hostile, just because you enforced boundaries. The colleague could have ordered a steak and salad/jacket potato and kept to her diet, she was causing alot of drama over nothing really. I certainly wouldn't go out with them again, what a bunch of weirdos.

They’re not kind enough to “put up with me” because my rigidness with cleanliness has never directly affected any of them until Friday.

They’re my colleagues, not friends or family, so they’ve never been to my house, or socialised with me outside of working hours. I am reserved at work and keep to myself mainly because I am busy. They only know what I am like because they see my bare desk and I talk about decorating my house.

We go to the restaurant when it’s anyone’s birthday it wasn’t specific to me, because it’s an excuse to get out the office, there’s nowhere to eat nearby.

Did you read the OP properly? No I don’t particularly care what they think of me, that doesn’t make me a bad person.

Precisely yes, she didn’t need to bring it up at the table while appearing to feel sorry for herself.

I feel like some posters are not reading properly or missing the point. I didn’t snap and leave because I was merely asked if someone couldn’t eat in my car, I was getting challenged repeatedly by them after I’d clearly said no, they were not respecting my wishes and dropping the topic. I’d never dream of being entitled to the point where I think I have the right to eat in someone’s property and not drop
the topic when they’ve told me no.

God you all sound a bit extra tbh. I think it's ridiculously uptight and performative to go out for a meal and refuse to eat anything. Where on earth did you go that doesn't offer a salad or a soup of the day? I also think storming out was a bit much especially if you didn't make any kind of warning eg 'Look it's my car my rules. I don't have eating in it and you're all going to have to get over that. Can we change the subject now otherwise tbh I've got loads to do and I'd rather just get back to the office' The whole dynamic just sounds really weird. You're colleagues not friends at the end of the day so you need to keep it professional. If that means not being best mates then so be it.

I don’t believe she was on such a strict diet that there was NOTHING, as in not a single thing that she could have eaten in the restaurant. So not sure how you’re the one who’s come across rude and inflexible?
It’s a shame the lunch ended as it did; I think I’d have tried to diffuse the awkwardness with humour and brush it off personally, to save office awkwardness. But you weren’t in the wrong OP.
Also I don’t think you’re ocd, you just like things clean and tidy! And that’s fine!

Thank you ☺️

The bad manners here were on the part of someone who wasn't prepared to find one single thing on a menu that they could eat yet still chose to join a party in a restaurant for somebody's birthday, and then allowed that birthday meal to be spoiled by their entitled behaviour.

I hope they are ashamed of themselves on Monday, OP, all of them. Well done for not putting up with their shit.

Your colleague was entitled and very bad mannered to even ask. You were absolutely right to say no. The fact that it was mentioned again and you were badgered suggests they are cliquey (clicky) and maybe envious. I think you were fab for not taking any of their shit - and I wish I was as decisive.

I feel like some posters are not reading properly or missing the point.

The reading comprehension of many mumsnetters is frustratingly poor. The same posters then never bother to read the updates either.

Lunchbox colleague was rude. Could she really not find something to eat at the restaurant that would be within the guidelines of her diet? You were not wrong to refuse to let her eat in your car.

However, I do think that wiping your desk every morning with anti bac wipes is a little odd. Just how dirty is it going to get overnight, assuming you don't hot desk?

YANBU, I am the same as you, would never let anyone eat in my car and don’t even like giving lifts. She could have eaten at work beforehand, even in a diet there’s usually something to choose from on the menu, and if she knows how tidy you are she should know you wouldn’t want her eating in the car.

OP just slightly off-topic but you shouldn't make your bed as soon as you get up. Instead leave the covers off for a while so it cools down. Trapped body heat leads to bacteria growing. Apparently.

Yes. I was going to pick up on this as well. I strip the bed back and smooth the sheet and plump the pillows, but leave the bedclothes stripped back with the window open. This is much healthier than making the bed and putting the covers back up over the sheet.

I think someone on a diet should be able to goto a resturarnt and order within the confines of their diet. Either way have lunch at work beforehand or when you get back. Don't sit in someone else's car eating a packed lunch - if that hung up on a diet don't go to the restaurant.

And to want to eat it in a new car, which is not yours, is double the cheek.

It was unreasonable of her to eat in the car and even more bizarre for her to wait the whole journey then ask to sit in your car alone and eat in the carpark. I say this as someone who wouldn't care if someone ate in my car. She should've accepted what you said and that was that. It's a bit like when people think its acceptable to vape inside my home. I say I dont like it and please don't and that's that. She shouldn't have kept pushing it. I'd have probably gritted my teeth through the lunch but don't blame you. Just go in Monday with a new week fresh start attitude. If I were her I'd apologise to you but dont expect it.

I am not commanding people as to how they are permitted to converse, they were infact commanding what I should accept and allow others to do in my own property and refusing to respect my wishes. I don’t entertain people who don’t accept no for an answer in the hope I’ll bow down and put my personal comfort to one side to suit them.

I started the thread as I wasn’t sure how to go about this on Monday and needed outsiders perspective on if colleagues request was unreasonable. It’s at the bottom of my OP if you read it properly.

The fact you can’t grasp my issue or my reasoning for snapping is not on me.

but instead you brought the drama level up, treated her like a naughty child in front of her peers and then walked out.

Honestly some of you cannot read. Don’t bother posting if you can’t.

I didn’t bringing it up. Jane told everyone at the table that I’d just refused to let her eat in my car and that’s when they all started telling me to be nice!

Good for you for sticking up for yourself and leaving that shit show of a birthday lunch

sound alike some sort of weird power play to me

do you ever want to have lunch. Or socialise with these again ?if not just this as an opportunity to stop doing that kinda thing

how dare they expect you just to people please them
people that give no consideration really about others yet get the arse when people say no to them

Honestly I’ve just had one telling I started the drama by berating Jane as the table infront of her peers, when I couldn’t have made it more clear that Jane was the one who told the whole table and started the whole thing. Just read properly 🙄

My desk isn’t a hot desk no. It is a little extreme o agree, but it takes 2-3 seconds, the wipes are in my draw. And I like the fresh lemony smell from them too 😄 It’s a habit as I wipe down a lot of my surfaces at home.

@Nevs please update when you go to work tomorrow. I don't think you did anything wrong.

And it was your birthday!! What they did was horrible. They should have left it alone. Gentle teasing is one thing but making you feel bad wasn’t on. Many people don’t like people eating in their car. If you don’t allow family to do it why would you allow her?

Oh no. I’ve just gone back to air my bedsheets 😂How did I not realise this all this time.

I don't eat in my car, no one else eats in my car. I'll occasionally have some sweets on the way home from work (it does take almost 2 hours) but that's rare since getting my new car.

Work colleagues are funny though, some are lovely, some are just plain weird and some are just downright manipulative.

Well done for standing your ground Op.

I think a lot of people would have snapped.

So she wanted to sit in the car whilst everyone else waited in the restaurant.

How weird is that ?

Why didn't the other car driver hand over her keys with the offer for her to eat her lunch there?

I'd never expect to eat in anyone's car.

I also take spare shoes/plastic bags to put muddy shoes in if necessary.

I thought that this was what most people do?

Oh dear. She was being unreasonable and possibly goading you and you over reacted. Easy to say with hindsight but you could have said 'no' to her in a much kinder, authoritative way rather than insulting her and suggesting that she was deliberately trying to wind you up. Just a simple 'oh no I prefer people don't eat in the car, shall we see if we can find a spot somewhere else for you to quickly eat your sandwich. We can wait with you if you like'.