Walked out of my own birthday lunch

[Nevs]

I walked out of my birthday lunch with colleagues yesterday. I know I’ve overreacted a bit but need some perspective from an outsiders perspective.

For context, as I feel it is relevant: I am a very tidy person and big on cleanliness. It’s an ongoing joke with people at work, as I wipe my desk down with antibacterial wipe each morning. My desk is always very tidy and bare, in comparison to everyone else’s, which people pick up on. There’s light teasing in the group but it’s fine, each of us have our own little quirks that make us unique. This is mine. I cannot relax in mess, so therefore my workspace needs the be clean and tidy, as does my house (as you’re probably guessing, no I don’t have kids yet 😆)

I have recently bought a brand new car, from the dealership. Everyone at work knows, they refer to it as my “big fancy car” It cost quite a lot but I’ve been saving for it for a while as it’s a car I’ve always wanted, and guess you could say it was a birthday present to myself. I’ve also had custom amendments to the interior and seats to make it look nicer. (Not trying to boast, as I said I’m just giving context to the situation)

Now on to the actual incident… It was my birthday yesterday. At work we all tend to eat out a local restaurant for lunch when it’s someone’s birthday.

I’m really not big on making a fuss on my birthday to be honest, it’s just another day to me, and I’ve been overwhelmed with work recently, so couldn’t have really done with that extra time to catch up on work. So I didn’t particularly want to go, but still I agreed to go for lunch since I guess you could say it’s tradition. While the restaurant is local, you need to drive there. So 5 of us went in 2 cars- 2 in one car, and 3 including myself, in my car (the two colleagues in my car don’t drive)

As I pulled up to the restaurant car park, I have colleague Sarah in my passenger seat, and Jane in the backseat. Just as we’re about t get out, Jane out of no where pulls out her lunchbox and says “Nev do you mind if I just eat this in here? I can’t eat anything in there right now (she’s on a diet)”
Immediately I’m irritated, as

1. she put me on the spot, she did not warn me before hand
2. as everyone knows, I’m a clean freak and admittedly a bit uptight, I can’t help it. And I’ve just spent a lot of money having my interior upgraded, she knew full well I would be uncomfortable with this, but she choose to put me in that situation anyway

My response was “Um, no? I don’t eat in my car”
She said she wouldn’t make a mess, and suggested for my benefit, as she doesn’t want to keep me waiting, I can leave her in my car with the car keys and she can lock up and meet us in the restaurant when she’s done. I said “Absolutely not. Why didn’t you say you weren’t going to be eating in there before we left?” She looked a bit put out but then accepted it, and said “it’s fine” put her lunchbox back in her bag and got out the car. Sarah would was sat in the passenger seat looked awkward and didn’t say anything.

We got into the restaurant and met the other two, who had already arrived and were seated. While seated Jane mentioned to the other two that she won’t be ordering. They asked her if she’d brought lunch with her, she said she had but she’ll eat back at the office. Then referred to the incident in my car while looking rather self pitying, this is not her usual demeanour, it looked like an act if I’m honest. I took that as she was looking for sympathy and to get the others on her side. Colleague Emma* laughed and said “Nevs as if you didn’t let her eat. Now she has to watch us and be hungry”

At that point I wasn’t happy, and I’m already aware I’m probably more annoyed than nessessary, l said “And whose fault is that? She sprung it on me out of no where” Jane then said she’s mentioned previously she can’t eat out at the moment due to her diet, which is a lie, she has never told me that.
I said she should have eaten at her before we came out. I also said to Jane “I wasn’t going to swallow any discomfort because you’ve put me in a situation you knew wouldn’t be comfortable with. If you feel awkward now, it’s on you” Emma then continues to press and says that regardless, if she wasn’t going to make a mess, it would have been nice if I’d let her use my car. At this point I snapped “My car my rules! That’s the end of the discussion!”
Everyone went quiet and looked awkwardly in their menus.

About 30 seconds go by and no one has said a word. I stand up and said “I’m not sitting in this awkwardness I don’t have time for it anyway, I’m going back” and leave. (Emma’s car is a 5 seater so fits all of them for the drive back, I wouldn’t have left anyway stranded)

I know snapping and walking out was extreme, I’m very stressed with work at the moment. I have my own portfolio that I cannot distribute out to anyone else for assistance. I’m overloaded with work. I think this was why I was so short with them.

I didn’t speak to any of them for the rest of the afternoon, everyone was quiet. I’m not dreading Monday, but I am anticipating another awkward atmosphere and I don’t even know how to go about it.

I know my delivery was unreasonable, but was colleague also unreasonable? Or am I just a snappy nightmare?

Quite a funny story. Lunchbox lady should have just not come to lunch. I do wonder if it was an on purpose wind up? But that’s probably how my mind works. You sound really super fussy which is totally fair enough but I wonder if 1 or more of your colleagues gets riled up by this and decided to annoy you with the lunch thing?

it sounds like the kind of thing that teenagers would do (if it were on purpose). Sometimes people just never grow up.

people aren’t always tolerant of others quirks.

I have no advice though sorry, sounds like you can boss it so it’ll be fine. Will blow over after a day or so!

YANBU. Your car, your rules. Personally I eat in my car and would be fine with others doing so, but I understand that you don't. Couldn't your colleague have eaten outside the car (or was it raining heavily)?

E.g “my car, my rules”

I would of just said “sorry l’d rather you didn’t , if you don’t want to eat it in the restaurant then maybe eat it back at the office but even l don’t eat in the car ” it was rude of her to assume and as others have said, it sounds like a wind up over your urge to keep things clean.

Not sure if I missed it but what was the lunch ‘Jane’ wanted to eat? If it was a quick sandwich or salad, I’d probably have let it go but a soup, curry, pasty/sausage roll, etc, then absolutely not!

Jane had lots of alternative options; staying in the office, eating a salad in the restaurant or eating in the other car. The rest of them shouldn’t have piled on but it sounds like gentle ribbing rather than an attack. They’d made an effort to come out and celebrate your birthday and you were the one to walk out, so I think you should offer an olive branch on Monday. Don’t apologise but maybe bring in some treats and say ‘I appreciate you all coming out for my birthday and as lunch was cut short, maybe we can enjoy these?’

That sounds like someone who just can’t be bothered to have a clean and tidy house. Just because you have children doesn’t mean your house has to be a complete tip.

My DH is OTT about things being clean whereas I’m more about everything has a place it should be in. Our DS isn’t messy or untidy so it’s possible to have kids and have a clean and tidy home.

That’s so odd. I assume this place wasn’t far so why didn’t she eat her lunch in the office? Was she just going to sit there while you all ate?

It sounds like she was a bit cheeky and annoying. You were way, way over the top. I think you should apologise on Monday.

YWNBU at all OP.

The situation is so odd of the colleague coming along to your birthday lunch and wanting to eat in what she knew was, and had mocked with the rest of your colleagues, your brand new ‘fancy’ car alone while you and everyone else went in the restaurant to eat.

Kind of alludes to an idea of her planning to accidentally on purpose stuff half an egg sandwich between or under the seats IMO especially knowing you are fastidious about cleanliness.

Most normal people knowing in advance they weren’t going to eat at a work birthday meal in a restaurant would have eaten their own food at their desk before because it’s not pleasant to see and smell other people’s food if you’re not eating and are hungry, and she obviously was hungry otherwise she wouldn’t have said she wanted to eat her food in your car before going in!

I assume you all eat at your desks as normal practice in an office, snacks and whatnot?

I wouldn’t leave a work colleague in my car to nose around in my glove box or boot for stuff that might be personal anyway. Wouldn’t trust someone too dopey to suddenly remember they need to eat their own food when we’ve arrived at a restaurant for a meal to remember to lock my expensive new car when they got out either.

The only drama here was the rest of your colleagues egging her on that you were unreasonable and to be awkward about it.

I’d be a bit wary of these colleagues and what they think about you behind your back moving forward. Probably a bit of green eyes that you have high standards, a nice lifestyle and sound very put together which some people, especially women peers (IME), don’t like.

I’d go in on Monday bright and breezy and if it’s brought up, don’t apologise because you’ve nothing to apologise for, just be clear that you don’t eat in your car and didn’t expect to be feel ganged up on to try to force you to let someone else eat in it, and it unnecessarily ruined your birthday lunch but you’ve put it behind you so no need for any further awkwardness in the office.

Jesus Christ, 95k?! I can't believe the gall of your colleagues. There is no way in hell that anyone would be eating in my car if it cost that much, I doubt I'd allow shoes 😂😂 my 8k car being a mess is killing me (8month old baby, no time, so much rain...). You're not unreasonable at all and I wish I could invoke you in my personality a little bit so I was less of a people pleaser 😂. Good for you for sticking up for yourself.

This. Like they knew it would pee you off and to keep going at it once you'd made it clear is a bit like bullying really. Don't blame you for leaving. I maybe would say sorry for walking out when you'd all gone for me but I stand by not eating in my new car, its a totally fair request, its your car they should respect what you ask.

Just on the message with kids thing ai cannot stand mess either and have a little one, ive been ott about cleaning and mess since he was born, somehow everything does build up but I make time and effort to clean every day so the dishes, mess, spillages are dealt with straight away and all toys kept tidied and cleared when not in use. It is possible just most mams cba imo!!

You sound a bit oCD,but she was so weird even bothering to go out to lunch with everybody ,knowing she had a lunchbox with her.she should have stayed in the office or found something on the menu to nibble at. They all sound so odd.

Yes I have 4 DC and managed to keep a clean organised house while working - dishwasher, tumble dryer, separate dirty laundry baskets for each kid to rotate emptying them so they were never overflowing, a stand up vacuum cleaner upstairs and another one downstairs for a quick go over when there’s any bits on the floor, floor wipes for any spills in between proper mops, and a cleaning caddy in each bathroom so we could clean it while they were in the bath.

Most importantly a DH who doesn’t see cleaning as my ‘job’!

House is probably a bit messier now they’re teens/young adults, make food and cook themselves and don’t clean up properly, and ‘forget’ to do their own washing and clean their bedrooms and bathroom!

I've had something similar with a colleague, but she was a smoker who wanted to vape for over an hours journey in my car. I don't smoke. 🚗
I people pleased and agree to let her vape as long as the window was fully down. I would put it down, then after mere seconds of her puffing away, she close the window all the way up and complained she was cold, yet the car smelt of vape. 🫩

Never again. 🤦‍♀️

YANBU.
Lunch lady Doris sounds like a piss taker. 💯
Never sacrifice your own comfort, for the sake of someone else's. 👎
Next time, they can all piss off in the big car and leave you alone in yours.

Edited to add: Happy belated birthday 🥳

The only part you aren’t unreasonable about is “my car, my rules” - you have every right to ask her not to eat in your car.

All the rest is a massive overreaction. Using an antibacterial wipe on your desk every day 🙄. Storming out of the restaurant was so ott. You (or someone else but it doesn’t sound like you allowed anyone any time) could have easily said “ok let’s put it behind us, move on and change the subject”.

It was pre planned to make you the laughing stock.

You don't like people eating in your car., There's nothing wrong with with that. If they try to make you feel bad it's bullying

She's a grown woman ffs. She is not going to fade away if she can't eat for an hour. Surely she can find something in the restaurant to nibble on or have a drink. She was rude imo. I would never expect to eat in someone's car, even if they themselves were a slob.
Hope you had a nice birthday 🎂 anyway.

YANBU. But at the same time, this scenario reads like a script from Kath and Kim.

Sounds like as you are in a senior position in a well paid sector, you are probably all very well off, so it could be less about a financial disparity and more jealousy around you being able to funnel your $$ into those things, rather than children’s activities. I maintain that it wouldn’t be possible to afford that plus a house plus travel etc on an average or even high average salary, but that doesn’t apply to you anyway!

Yanbu to say no food in the car. I wonder if in colleague's mind she's doing something for you by attending your lunch, even when she's on a diet. She didn't want to snub you by not coming, but now you're gone and stopped her eating at all. It's not fair, but I suspect leaving has cemented you as the villain in this story.

You sound fab but I think a course of CBT might give you a little more ease in life.

Sounds more like OCPD could be a possibility?
Sorry, but just in case this rings any bells…
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24526-obsessive-compulsive-personality-disorder-ocpd

You all sound like very hard work, tbh.