Walked out of my own birthday lunch

[Nevs]

I walked out of my birthday lunch with colleagues yesterday. I know I’ve overreacted a bit but need some perspective from an outsiders perspective.

For context, as I feel it is relevant: I am a very tidy person and big on cleanliness. It’s an ongoing joke with people at work, as I wipe my desk down with antibacterial wipe each morning. My desk is always very tidy and bare, in comparison to everyone else’s, which people pick up on. There’s light teasing in the group but it’s fine, each of us have our own little quirks that make us unique. This is mine. I cannot relax in mess, so therefore my workspace needs the be clean and tidy, as does my house (as you’re probably guessing, no I don’t have kids yet 😆)

I have recently bought a brand new car, from the dealership. Everyone at work knows, they refer to it as my “big fancy car” It cost quite a lot but I’ve been saving for it for a while as it’s a car I’ve always wanted, and guess you could say it was a birthday present to myself. I’ve also had custom amendments to the interior and seats to make it look nicer. (Not trying to boast, as I said I’m just giving context to the situation)

Now on to the actual incident… It was my birthday yesterday. At work we all tend to eat out a local restaurant for lunch when it’s someone’s birthday.

I’m really not big on making a fuss on my birthday to be honest, it’s just another day to me, and I’ve been overwhelmed with work recently, so couldn’t have really done with that extra time to catch up on work. So I didn’t particularly want to go, but still I agreed to go for lunch since I guess you could say it’s tradition. While the restaurant is local, you need to drive there. So 5 of us went in 2 cars- 2 in one car, and 3 including myself, in my car (the two colleagues in my car don’t drive)

As I pulled up to the restaurant car park, I have colleague Sarah in my passenger seat, and Jane in the backseat. Just as we’re about t get out, Jane out of no where pulls out her lunchbox and says “Nev do you mind if I just eat this in here? I can’t eat anything in there right now (she’s on a diet)”
Immediately I’m irritated, as

1. she put me on the spot, she did not warn me before hand
2. as everyone knows, I’m a clean freak and admittedly a bit uptight, I can’t help it. And I’ve just spent a lot of money having my interior upgraded, she knew full well I would be uncomfortable with this, but she choose to put me in that situation anyway

My response was “Um, no? I don’t eat in my car”
She said she wouldn’t make a mess, and suggested for my benefit, as she doesn’t want to keep me waiting, I can leave her in my car with the car keys and she can lock up and meet us in the restaurant when she’s done. I said “Absolutely not. Why didn’t you say you weren’t going to be eating in there before we left?” She looked a bit put out but then accepted it, and said “it’s fine” put her lunchbox back in her bag and got out the car. Sarah would was sat in the passenger seat looked awkward and didn’t say anything.

We got into the restaurant and met the other two, who had already arrived and were seated. While seated Jane mentioned to the other two that she won’t be ordering. They asked her if she’d brought lunch with her, she said she had but she’ll eat back at the office. Then referred to the incident in my car while looking rather self pitying, this is not her usual demeanour, it looked like an act if I’m honest. I took that as she was looking for sympathy and to get the others on her side. Colleague Emma* laughed and said “Nevs as if you didn’t let her eat. Now she has to watch us and be hungry”

At that point I wasn’t happy, and I’m already aware I’m probably more annoyed than nessessary, l said “And whose fault is that? She sprung it on me out of no where” Jane then said she’s mentioned previously she can’t eat out at the moment due to her diet, which is a lie, she has never told me that.
I said she should have eaten at her before we came out. I also said to Jane “I wasn’t going to swallow any discomfort because you’ve put me in a situation you knew wouldn’t be comfortable with. If you feel awkward now, it’s on you” Emma then continues to press and says that regardless, if she wasn’t going to make a mess, it would have been nice if I’d let her use my car. At this point I snapped “My car my rules! That’s the end of the discussion!”
Everyone went quiet and looked awkwardly in their menus.

About 30 seconds go by and no one has said a word. I stand up and said “I’m not sitting in this awkwardness I don’t have time for it anyway, I’m going back” and leave. (Emma’s car is a 5 seater so fits all of them for the drive back, I wouldn’t have left anyway stranded)

I know snapping and walking out was extreme, I’m very stressed with work at the moment. I have my own portfolio that I cannot distribute out to anyone else for assistance. I’m overloaded with work. I think this was why I was so short with them.

I didn’t speak to any of them for the rest of the afternoon, everyone was quiet. I’m not dreading Monday, but I am anticipating another awkward atmosphere and I don’t even know how to go about it.

I know my delivery was unreasonable, but was colleague also unreasonable? Or am I just a snappy nightmare?

Thank you 😊

Fyi OP, on the subject of children, of which I have 3.
It is perfectly possible to have children and to live in a lovely, ordered, nicely decorated home that in no way is ever thrashed by children.

Mine are adults now and whilst they can/could be a bit messy in their bedrooms, they are used to a very tidy home and like it.

Its all in the rearing of them!

Would it help things out if you were to take a box of chocolates in on Monday and offer them round. When I was working I sometimes took a box in ,it stemmed from a manager I once worked with told me she often did the same as she reckoned chocolates helped people. I am retired now so no longer have to share chocs with other people.

Second this!

I would love to know where you all work! Reads like you are all the most intense group of colleagues ever!

If that's the way you are, children won't make much difference. You'll tolerate a certain amount of mess during the day, then it will be cleared away at bedtime.
You'll be just as clean but you'll be working a lot harder to keep it that way!

Your colleagues were horrible

I think dogs destroy houses less than cats tbh, we got cats last year and now there's several places the carpet has been scratched up and one particular corner wall as well. You can definitely see the evidence that cats live in this house.

Oh these stories about car CFs has made me remember when I bought my first car. My dad was a smoker at the time and selfish with it. Smoked in the house, his own cars etc. I said no one was to get to smoke in my car. It was a second hand metro so nothing fancy. The first time he got in it he lit up and started smoking. So bloody rude and disrespectful.

I don’t think you should apologise for leaving when it sounds like they ganged up on you in the restaurant when they kept on about her eating in the car. She had multiple options that did not include munching in a pristine car, that was brand new and lovely.
My DH hates getting into my car as the kids eat in mine and there are wrappers and tissues etc everywhere muddled with muddy wellies, spare dog leads and slobber on the rear windscreen from the dogs looking out 🙈
Despite my own car being a skip on wheels I wouldn’t dream of assuming I could eat etc on someone else’s car. My dad gave me a lift in his new car the other day and it was so lovely and sparkly clean, I felt bad for sitting in it, if I had got out a lunch box he probably would have stopped and ejected me…
As someone else has said never have children, they cause havoc and mess wherever they go and adding dogs into the mix means my house is interesting rather then co ordinated in themes and beautiful sadly.
It doesn’t sound like your high standards stop you from travelling, enjoying yourself, buying nice things and unless you’re ironing everything including your socks, scrubbing everything until your hands are raw and refusing to let anyone enter your home and car Incase they make a mess, I would carry on being you and sod what anyone else thinks.

You are being unreasonable for writing such a silly Reddit post and trying to pretend it actually happened.

Op, this is not a comment on your tidiness (which is admirable), but don't let it dictate your life. Have you thought about hypnosis or some sort of therapy? Children can bring so much joy and since you are tidy and organised, you're better placed than many of us! But children can mean a bit of mess that you can learn to turn a bit of a blind eye to when the children are playing and then all have a game at the end to clean up. I'm saying this because it'd be sad to forgo something in life because of an obsessiveness over being tidy. PS. Make sure you marry a really tidy man (that's potentially more jarring than children if he's the opposite!).

That’s good to hear.

Maybe it’s just my circle but all my friends with kids have messy houses. One of them, their house is particularly bad and I stopped going to her house because of it. I’ll only meet her out somewhere now.

She has an 8 yo and a 3 yo. The place was filthy. Everytime I went over there was food on the sofas, plates from the kids snacks. Spilt drinks. Their toys were everywhere, all over the floor, the sofa, the tables. Never any clean cups, sink full
of dishes. The toys were all over the kitchen too. Even in the bath in the bathroom. The kids bedrooms carpets, you couldn’t even see because their clothes were all over it. Friend says that’s just how it is when you have kids.

I like the cut of your gib @Nevs .

I must admit I was wary reading the post as I thought it would be another one of those where the OP caved to the cheeky fucker request with the excuse that they don't like confrontation which drive me to distraction so I was rather thrilled and relieved to find this was not the case.

Well done for standing your ground and being clear and unmoveable in the face of cheeky fuckery and the resulting onslaught and brow beating from the rest of your colleagues.

You have nothing to apologise for, they on the other hand do.

You were not unreasonable to not want your colleague to eat in the car but you were a bit of a drama queen at the restaurant. You all come across as a little immature.

Good for you standing your ground.

Your new (expensive) car and your rules.
She knows your views and she was pushing boundaries.

She should have eaten beforehand in the office.

This is a very good point. I’d probably consider myself very similar to you and have raised kids and still had fun. You can still be tidy and clean and have children. It’s how to parent and manage. You will have to adapt - but it’s possible.

thank for @Fdsewfor making the point.

To be fair you couldn't stop her opening a box. It's a shame really but you just have to accept you don't really want a friendship with these people. Just stick to being civil at work and knock the faux matey socialising on the head.

It's clearly a clash of personalities so best not to dwell on it. They simply don't understand why you were so anti her eating in your car.

I’m actually not a drama queen in the slightest, I’m reserved by nature and don’t like fuss and attention. Part of the reason I didn’t want to attend this birthday lunch as I’ve never done much for my birthdays.

I was prepared to stay until I saw they were not going to talk and sat there sulking like they’ve been hard done by because I’d told them all to drop the subject. Why should I sit through that awkwardness. My time is valuable especially when I’m working.

I think lunchbox lady was much odder than OP - opting in to a lunch they weren't going to eat and then whining about someone setting a reasonable boundary. Well done OP for sticking to your guns.

PS this is precisely why I book annual leave on my birthday each year.

I can’t stop her opening a tupperwear of food in my own vehicle? The hell I can’t it was within my reach it wouldn’t have opened on my watch

PS this is precisely why I book annual leave on my birthday each year.

Noted for next year trust me 😂

Your car your rules. Your colleague shouldnt be going out for meals if she wants to eat her lunch in the car.

Everyone in the story is weird. 😀

Lunchbox woman shouldn't have bothered going if she wasn't going to eat at the restaurant, but you were really OTT in your behaviour. So yes, I think you are a snappy nightmare.

Well this has been eye opening. So much drama over nothing. It sounds exhausting. Hoovers exist should a stray crumb deign to land in your car. But lunchbox woman sounds completely mad too.