Walked out of my own birthday lunch

[Nevs]

I walked out of my birthday lunch with colleagues yesterday. I know I’ve overreacted a bit but need some perspective from an outsiders perspective.

For context, as I feel it is relevant: I am a very tidy person and big on cleanliness. It’s an ongoing joke with people at work, as I wipe my desk down with antibacterial wipe each morning. My desk is always very tidy and bare, in comparison to everyone else’s, which people pick up on. There’s light teasing in the group but it’s fine, each of us have our own little quirks that make us unique. This is mine. I cannot relax in mess, so therefore my workspace needs the be clean and tidy, as does my house (as you’re probably guessing, no I don’t have kids yet 😆)

I have recently bought a brand new car, from the dealership. Everyone at work knows, they refer to it as my “big fancy car” It cost quite a lot but I’ve been saving for it for a while as it’s a car I’ve always wanted, and guess you could say it was a birthday present to myself. I’ve also had custom amendments to the interior and seats to make it look nicer. (Not trying to boast, as I said I’m just giving context to the situation)

Now on to the actual incident… It was my birthday yesterday. At work we all tend to eat out a local restaurant for lunch when it’s someone’s birthday.

I’m really not big on making a fuss on my birthday to be honest, it’s just another day to me, and I’ve been overwhelmed with work recently, so couldn’t have really done with that extra time to catch up on work. So I didn’t particularly want to go, but still I agreed to go for lunch since I guess you could say it’s tradition. While the restaurant is local, you need to drive there. So 5 of us went in 2 cars- 2 in one car, and 3 including myself, in my car (the two colleagues in my car don’t drive)

As I pulled up to the restaurant car park, I have colleague Sarah in my passenger seat, and Jane in the backseat. Just as we’re about t get out, Jane out of no where pulls out her lunchbox and says “Nev do you mind if I just eat this in here? I can’t eat anything in there right now (she’s on a diet)”
Immediately I’m irritated, as

1. she put me on the spot, she did not warn me before hand
2. as everyone knows, I’m a clean freak and admittedly a bit uptight, I can’t help it. And I’ve just spent a lot of money having my interior upgraded, she knew full well I would be uncomfortable with this, but she choose to put me in that situation anyway

My response was “Um, no? I don’t eat in my car”
She said she wouldn’t make a mess, and suggested for my benefit, as she doesn’t want to keep me waiting, I can leave her in my car with the car keys and she can lock up and meet us in the restaurant when she’s done. I said “Absolutely not. Why didn’t you say you weren’t going to be eating in there before we left?” She looked a bit put out but then accepted it, and said “it’s fine” put her lunchbox back in her bag and got out the car. Sarah would was sat in the passenger seat looked awkward and didn’t say anything.

We got into the restaurant and met the other two, who had already arrived and were seated. While seated Jane mentioned to the other two that she won’t be ordering. They asked her if she’d brought lunch with her, she said she had but she’ll eat back at the office. Then referred to the incident in my car while looking rather self pitying, this is not her usual demeanour, it looked like an act if I’m honest. I took that as she was looking for sympathy and to get the others on her side. Colleague Emma* laughed and said “Nevs as if you didn’t let her eat. Now she has to watch us and be hungry”

At that point I wasn’t happy, and I’m already aware I’m probably more annoyed than nessessary, l said “And whose fault is that? She sprung it on me out of no where” Jane then said she’s mentioned previously she can’t eat out at the moment due to her diet, which is a lie, she has never told me that.
I said she should have eaten at her before we came out. I also said to Jane “I wasn’t going to swallow any discomfort because you’ve put me in a situation you knew wouldn’t be comfortable with. If you feel awkward now, it’s on you” Emma then continues to press and says that regardless, if she wasn’t going to make a mess, it would have been nice if I’d let her use my car. At this point I snapped “My car my rules! That’s the end of the discussion!”
Everyone went quiet and looked awkwardly in their menus.

About 30 seconds go by and no one has said a word. I stand up and said “I’m not sitting in this awkwardness I don’t have time for it anyway, I’m going back” and leave. (Emma’s car is a 5 seater so fits all of them for the drive back, I wouldn’t have left anyway stranded)

I know snapping and walking out was extreme, I’m very stressed with work at the moment. I have my own portfolio that I cannot distribute out to anyone else for assistance. I’m overloaded with work. I think this was why I was so short with them.

I didn’t speak to any of them for the rest of the afternoon, everyone was quiet. I’m not dreading Monday, but I am anticipating another awkward atmosphere and I don’t even know how to go about it.

I know my delivery was unreasonable, but was colleague also unreasonable? Or am I just a snappy nightmare?

I'm a slob, I have an 11 year old skoda, but I don't eat in it, nor does anyone else.

You're entitled to be a cleanliness freak; you obviously own it and all your colleagues know. They're the cheeky fuckers. I love people who are clear about what they want, what they will tolerate and what they won't. I don't think you did anything wrong and if I had been one of your colleagues there I would have been in awe of your assertiveness!

I don’t think you were unreasonable. People always drop crumbs or worse, eating in cars, no matter how they careful they are, and they are never careful, unless the car is theirs

Well, I overall, I vote YANBU. Your colleagues were rude and self-centred to push you like that.

You are very straight, which I admire, but I also do think you crossed the line into unnecessarily abrasive on this occasion. It’s healthy to be able to laugh at yourself a bit. Although it sounds like the work stress affected your mood.

I think they should apologise to you for pushing you about the car, and you should apologise for walking out of the meal, explaining that you had a short fuse due to stress of work.
Don’t apologise for not letting her eat in your car though, because that was unreasonable of her.

I applaud you, OP. I am just imagining your colleague chomping down her spag bol and then surreptitiously wiping her tomatoey hands on the upholstery.

Do you mean OP is neurodiverse? Does OP accept that?

I don't really see an issue with her eating it in your car (kindly, wait til you have kids 😂)

OPs car. OPs rules.

My children have never eaten in my car. Nobody has. Nobody does. Ever.

Happy birthday OP and congratulations on your lovely new car! It reads as though Jane was really inconsiderate to even contemplate eating in your car. She should have either eaten in the office before leaving, travelled in the other car or missed out on the lunch given she was not going to eat.
There may be an undertone of jealously too, your lifestyle and car is very different to theirs most likely. I have children and I rarely let them eat in my car, it leaves a smell let alone possible spillages.
On Monday I would not apologise, keep a professional relationship and rethink these lunches. I think you were perfectly reasonable to tell her she couldn't eat in your car, they were unreasonable to keep pushing it

Jane’s ridiculous. Who goes along for a lunch knowing they won’t actually be having lunch but having their own separate packed lunch which they want to eat first in a car?! And not even their own car. Ridiculous.

Thank you.

Just to clear a few things- I don’t like to discuss money too much as I feel it’s a bit crass of me to do so, but my car did not cost £120k, it was £95k including the interior upgrade (yes I know, still a lot) I do not come from money, I am from a lower-middle class family.
It is in fact possible to save up for such a car on an employment salary, I hold a very senior position in a sector which is the highest paid in the job market.
My mortgage is modest and affordable, which allows me to travel, and I’ve done most of the decorating myself (I’m strangely good at it which suprised me! And I began the enjoy it so took it up almost as a hobby)

I don’t have kids, so obviously I’ve cut the biggest expense! My lifestyle would be very different if I was a parent.

You could be right in suggesting I would benefit from some intervention, I just wouldn’t know where to start. I’ve lived most of my life knowing I’m a bit uptight and rigid but just considered it a personality trait, as opposed to a condition which requires help. I’ve chosen not to have kids due to me liking my home a certain way at all times, but I’m not sure it if I even want them. I have taken onboard everyone’s suggestions in that respect, and look into possible methods of help.

It's occurred to me that it may have been a ploy and you would have returned to your car after the meal to find the interior full of silly string and balloons or some such crap. So they could laugh at your reaction.

I think you did exactly the right things throughout, OP. It sounds as though at least one of them was trying to wind you up, which is really unkind. So leaving as you did because you did not enjoy the tension they created was exactly right. You did it with dignity. As for Monday, don't worry about it. Breeze in as though the incident never occurred. Whatever you do, don't apologise, explain, or otherwise bring it up. If anyone does apologise to you just say fine and don't discuss it further. They will have accepted your yesterday reaction, and it will probably all have blown over and been forgotton by week's end. I will be thinking of you then, but honestly hold your head up high and do your own thing, your way. And happy birthday of yesterday.💐

@Nevs - If she wanted to eat her lunchbox meal, why in the name of (pick the deity/devil of your choice) did she even join you? Has she got serious FOMO? Stupid woman - give it no further head-space!

And Happy Birthday!

I think Jane's behaviour was odd. Why would you go to lunch and not lunch? She could order a salad. She could have eaten in the office before or after.

I think its weird to scoff you packed lunch in the back of someones car like a gremlin.

Why would you leave her eating in your car? Why didnt she just decline?

Im not a clean freak, my car is 14. I wouldnt want a colleague munching their dinner in my car (which is hoovered and dusted).

I do think you could have said to Emma. Youre right, im too ocd give her your keys and she can eat in your car. But I wouldnt over think this they were odd not you

You both need to grow up!

Thank you 😘

How odd and rather selfish of them! They know you like to be neat and clean and that you have a brand new car of which you are rightfully very proud - and yet someone says they'd like to sit in your shiny, new car and eat their lunch?

I think someone was trying to press your buttons and that's not nice. Someone's being spiteful.

Hey Jane 👋 I know we’re a right pair of wallys aren’t we. Catch up in the canteen on Monday?

Why on earth should you be looking into ways to 'benefit' from interventions? There's nothing the matter with you! You like things the way you do and not wanting children does not make you in need of help.

I’m sure if a bloke had a brand new Porsche and his mate wanted to eat a bag of cheese and onion crisps in there (and probably wipe his fingers on the seats afterwards) his other friends would understand that the car owner will object. Why is it that women are generally expected to have shit hole cheap cars that people can trash, with the view that children will eventually make a mess of them anyway? Why can’t people respect OP’s expensive, self-purchased, brand-new Range Rover without rolling their eyes at the cost / model / expecting her to use the rear seats as a picnic bench for a colleague who is travelling to a restaurant but who doesn’t actually want to eat there?

I would probably pass out from a fit if she did that

I all honesty if this is your Main issue right now then your doing pretty good. I would like let her eat in the car, it's not the end of the world to clean up afterwards if needed.

Just be careful not to be labelled OP. Just because you have some quirks doesn’t mean you need intervention/help. If you’re happy then celebrate that! You’re not harming anyone and it sounds like you’re doing very well for yourself.

only seek help IF it’s affecting you to the point of harm or sadness.

YABU for buying a new car. Everyone knows cars lose 40% value in the first year. Your colleague probably knew that she couldn't devalue the car any quicker than it was doing itself.

people can be bothered about more than one thing you know

no way would I let anyone picnic in my car. How bizarre

What kind of diet means you can't eat a single morsel off a restaurant menu? Sounds like a disorder.