Walked out of my own birthday lunch

[Nevs]

I walked out of my birthday lunch with colleagues yesterday. I know I’ve overreacted a bit but need some perspective from an outsiders perspective.

For context, as I feel it is relevant: I am a very tidy person and big on cleanliness. It’s an ongoing joke with people at work, as I wipe my desk down with antibacterial wipe each morning. My desk is always very tidy and bare, in comparison to everyone else’s, which people pick up on. There’s light teasing in the group but it’s fine, each of us have our own little quirks that make us unique. This is mine. I cannot relax in mess, so therefore my workspace needs the be clean and tidy, as does my house (as you’re probably guessing, no I don’t have kids yet 😆)

I have recently bought a brand new car, from the dealership. Everyone at work knows, they refer to it as my “big fancy car” It cost quite a lot but I’ve been saving for it for a while as it’s a car I’ve always wanted, and guess you could say it was a birthday present to myself. I’ve also had custom amendments to the interior and seats to make it look nicer. (Not trying to boast, as I said I’m just giving context to the situation)

Now on to the actual incident… It was my birthday yesterday. At work we all tend to eat out a local restaurant for lunch when it’s someone’s birthday.

I’m really not big on making a fuss on my birthday to be honest, it’s just another day to me, and I’ve been overwhelmed with work recently, so couldn’t have really done with that extra time to catch up on work. So I didn’t particularly want to go, but still I agreed to go for lunch since I guess you could say it’s tradition. While the restaurant is local, you need to drive there. So 5 of us went in 2 cars- 2 in one car, and 3 including myself, in my car (the two colleagues in my car don’t drive)

As I pulled up to the restaurant car park, I have colleague Sarah in my passenger seat, and Jane in the backseat. Just as we’re about t get out, Jane out of no where pulls out her lunchbox and says “Nev do you mind if I just eat this in here? I can’t eat anything in there right now (she’s on a diet)”
Immediately I’m irritated, as

1. she put me on the spot, she did not warn me before hand
2. as everyone knows, I’m a clean freak and admittedly a bit uptight, I can’t help it. And I’ve just spent a lot of money having my interior upgraded, she knew full well I would be uncomfortable with this, but she choose to put me in that situation anyway

My response was “Um, no? I don’t eat in my car”
She said she wouldn’t make a mess, and suggested for my benefit, as she doesn’t want to keep me waiting, I can leave her in my car with the car keys and she can lock up and meet us in the restaurant when she’s done. I said “Absolutely not. Why didn’t you say you weren’t going to be eating in there before we left?” She looked a bit put out but then accepted it, and said “it’s fine” put her lunchbox back in her bag and got out the car. Sarah would was sat in the passenger seat looked awkward and didn’t say anything.

We got into the restaurant and met the other two, who had already arrived and were seated. While seated Jane mentioned to the other two that she won’t be ordering. They asked her if she’d brought lunch with her, she said she had but she’ll eat back at the office. Then referred to the incident in my car while looking rather self pitying, this is not her usual demeanour, it looked like an act if I’m honest. I took that as she was looking for sympathy and to get the others on her side. Colleague Emma* laughed and said “Nevs as if you didn’t let her eat. Now she has to watch us and be hungry”

At that point I wasn’t happy, and I’m already aware I’m probably more annoyed than nessessary, l said “And whose fault is that? She sprung it on me out of no where” Jane then said she’s mentioned previously she can’t eat out at the moment due to her diet, which is a lie, she has never told me that.
I said she should have eaten at her before we came out. I also said to Jane “I wasn’t going to swallow any discomfort because you’ve put me in a situation you knew wouldn’t be comfortable with. If you feel awkward now, it’s on you” Emma then continues to press and says that regardless, if she wasn’t going to make a mess, it would have been nice if I’d let her use my car. At this point I snapped “My car my rules! That’s the end of the discussion!”
Everyone went quiet and looked awkwardly in their menus.

About 30 seconds go by and no one has said a word. I stand up and said “I’m not sitting in this awkwardness I don’t have time for it anyway, I’m going back” and leave. (Emma’s car is a 5 seater so fits all of them for the drive back, I wouldn’t have left anyway stranded)

I know snapping and walking out was extreme, I’m very stressed with work at the moment. I have my own portfolio that I cannot distribute out to anyone else for assistance. I’m overloaded with work. I think this was why I was so short with them.

I didn’t speak to any of them for the rest of the afternoon, everyone was quiet. I’m not dreading Monday, but I am anticipating another awkward atmosphere and I don’t even know how to go about it.

I know my delivery was unreasonable, but was colleague also unreasonable? Or am I just a snappy nightmare?

Your car your rules, end of. Your colleague was massively disrespectful, and thought her diet outweighed your needs. If it’s ever possible for you to work from home then go for it!

She could have diffused the tension by using humour in various ways. Self deprecation doesn’t exactly sound like her style but laughing at her own rigidity would have diffused the tension, for instance.

All credit to you OP you had your boundaries and stuck to them. Fantastic.

The others sound peculiar...disrespectful and certainly not celebrating your Birthday...good on you for cutting your losses and getting back to work 💐💐💐💐

Why should she though? The colleagues were thoughtless and tactless and rude; why should she carry the weight of diffusing the atmosphere?

I've just reread the OP and I'm even more convinced it was a planned wind up especially Emma's response to lunchbox Jane's put on performance about the car.

Good for you op. My car is 10 years old and I don’t allow eating, smoking, muddy shoes or animals in it. I paid for it and I like it to be nice!
Hope you managed to have a nice birthday.
(my username is just a happy coincidence)

I love that you stood up for yourself. That’s quite hard to do when put on the spot by a friend especially.

I do think you may be reading too much into the “that was me before kids” comments. just sounds like idle chit chat to me.

OP I'm not nearly as tidy as you are at home, but my car is another matter. I've always bought brand new cars and I love that brand new car interior smell! No way would I let anyone chow down on a tuna sandwich or a garlicky salad, I'd be telling them smartish to get the feck out with their smelly lunchbox!

I also think this sounds like a setup, they probably thought it would be hilarious to freak you out and weren't expecting you to be so assertive. Fair play to you.

What a weirdo! Why would anyone go to a restaurant to spend the time sat on their own in a car park eating their packed fucking lunch?! 😂 lunatic!

If you are so desperate to go and so determined not to eat there then you either have a snack before you go to ward off the hunger or eat lunch before setting off.

Aside from the cheek of it and the making you uncomfortable, why the actual fuck would a normal human being want to do that?

We go for lunch every few weeks or so to a pub a 5 min drive from work. If someone didn’t want to eat out they’d most likely just not come. If they said they’d come along just to chat etc, I would be gobsmacked if they also brought lunch to eat in the car park! It just wouldn’t happen! 🤣

sorry to tell you, but apart from dog hair which can be vacuumed up, my dogs have caused less mess/damage to my house than the cats i've had, who used my furniture and carpets as scratching posts.

These people see a difference. And are bullying the OP for it. And she would not play along. Good for her

she doesn't need to diffuse the tension. She was the target of their bullying banter

An atmosphere she did not set up. Her colleagues on the other hand 🤷‍♀️

Happy Birthday OP!

Do you all have very high paid roles? If not, I’d assume that some jealousy was responsible for your colleagues behaviour. Realistically, it’s not really possible to save around £120k (potentially more) for a car on ‘normal’ salaries, even very decent ones, particularly noting you have spoken about having a nice house and spending money on decorating, travel, and sports. It would be pretty obvious you either have family money, or another passive income stream, which I’m assuming drives some envy and contributed to their behaviour. I mean EVERYONE knows you don’t eat in a brand new car, particularly someone else’s. My DH got a new car last week and still hasn’t eaten in it, and I can assure you there are no OCD or rigid tendencies, and he doesn’t have a thing for super fancy cars, so it’s reasonably bog standard… but even for relaxed people there is often a honeymoon period where they treat their new car like a temple. It ends quickly for most, but it’s actually really bizarre to think eating in someone else’s new car is normal. That to me suggests jealousy. I also think most people accept a boundary. If I asked to eat in a friend’s car (new or not) and they said no, then I would accept that. There were heaps of other options available to them.

Yes, sounds like you could benefit from some intervention around your own MH, or there is a level of neurodiversity there that is driving other aspects of your overall functioning, but that’s not a crime, and I base that on other things you have said, not the car issue at all. Only you know if your rigidity is costing you in other ways (I.e happiness, relationships etc).

Happy Birthday for yesterday.

It’s not you @Nevs No one’s ever eaten in my car (and I’ve never eaten in a car from childhood. There’s no need). I make my bed and clean the same as you and can’t settle if stuff is a mess. If I’d worked and saved for your new car I’m not sure I’d even want passengers in it 😂 Amazing car!

She didn’t NEED to eat in your car - so many other options including standing outside the restaurant, sitting in Emma’s car, waiting til she was back at work.

I wondered if she was planning on leaving something smelly hidden in the car? A bit random I know, but maybe as a bit of a joint prank (between her and Emma?). It was her suggesting she stay, eat and lock up that made me suspicious.

I think you stood up for yourself clearly & effectively. Bravo.

Their opinion of me as a person does not overly concern me no, I’m more bothered about the working dynamic, I have to work there full time after all.

Regarding my combative language, I treat people accordingly to how they treat me. If you were present at the scene you’d see I matched my colleagues tone. I hold a senior level which involves me managing B2B relationships, I know how to communicate. So if they were civil with their approach, I’d have responded in an entirely different way.

One thing I do refuse to do is soften my language when the other party doesn’t show me the same curtesy, just to diffuse the situation.

I don’t regret my words but I could have stayed longer to see if we could have salvaged things.

If this is true then that’s awful. It was her birthday 😢

I really hope this isn’t the case and it was just carelessness.

I really don’t think it was. And it backfired on the Colleagues.

YANBU OP, I wouldn't dream of eating in someone else's car, how rude of her.
Nor do I understand why she wants to sit in a restaurant with others but not order anything to eat. I'm sure there would have been something on the menu she could have had, even if it was only small plate.🙄

Can I just say ocd gets banded about too much, and rarely, though sometimes mean super tidy.
I have a dear cousin who can suffer from this. She is nothing like op.
op just sounds tidy, organised and very strong in her own convictions.

Op, I just love how you dont bend and tell it straight up. Good for you!! You are allowed to be uptight dont apologise for it!

It was a set up. I'm sorry they put you through that.

I am someone who likes things neat and tidy but unless she had a particularly messy lunch I don't really see an issue with her eating it in your car (kindly, wait til you have kids 😂)

However, her going out for a meal with you all and not joining in with any food is weird....she sounds like rather a spoil-sport (I'm guessing the diet is choice not to do with allergies or anything)

Lunchbox woman was being ridiculous - why go to a restaurant if you are not going to eat. You were OTT and ridiculous, storming out because nobody spoke for 30 seconds? Ridiculous. Sounds like you all need to grow up and lighten up.