Walked out of my own birthday lunch

[Nevs]

I walked out of my birthday lunch with colleagues yesterday. I know I’ve overreacted a bit but need some perspective from an outsiders perspective.

For context, as I feel it is relevant: I am a very tidy person and big on cleanliness. It’s an ongoing joke with people at work, as I wipe my desk down with antibacterial wipe each morning. My desk is always very tidy and bare, in comparison to everyone else’s, which people pick up on. There’s light teasing in the group but it’s fine, each of us have our own little quirks that make us unique. This is mine. I cannot relax in mess, so therefore my workspace needs the be clean and tidy, as does my house (as you’re probably guessing, no I don’t have kids yet 😆)

I have recently bought a brand new car, from the dealership. Everyone at work knows, they refer to it as my “big fancy car” It cost quite a lot but I’ve been saving for it for a while as it’s a car I’ve always wanted, and guess you could say it was a birthday present to myself. I’ve also had custom amendments to the interior and seats to make it look nicer. (Not trying to boast, as I said I’m just giving context to the situation)

Now on to the actual incident… It was my birthday yesterday. At work we all tend to eat out a local restaurant for lunch when it’s someone’s birthday.

I’m really not big on making a fuss on my birthday to be honest, it’s just another day to me, and I’ve been overwhelmed with work recently, so couldn’t have really done with that extra time to catch up on work. So I didn’t particularly want to go, but still I agreed to go for lunch since I guess you could say it’s tradition. While the restaurant is local, you need to drive there. So 5 of us went in 2 cars- 2 in one car, and 3 including myself, in my car (the two colleagues in my car don’t drive)

As I pulled up to the restaurant car park, I have colleague Sarah in my passenger seat, and Jane in the backseat. Just as we’re about t get out, Jane out of no where pulls out her lunchbox and says “Nev do you mind if I just eat this in here? I can’t eat anything in there right now (she’s on a diet)”
Immediately I’m irritated, as

1. she put me on the spot, she did not warn me before hand
2. as everyone knows, I’m a clean freak and admittedly a bit uptight, I can’t help it. And I’ve just spent a lot of money having my interior upgraded, she knew full well I would be uncomfortable with this, but she choose to put me in that situation anyway

My response was “Um, no? I don’t eat in my car”
She said she wouldn’t make a mess, and suggested for my benefit, as she doesn’t want to keep me waiting, I can leave her in my car with the car keys and she can lock up and meet us in the restaurant when she’s done. I said “Absolutely not. Why didn’t you say you weren’t going to be eating in there before we left?” She looked a bit put out but then accepted it, and said “it’s fine” put her lunchbox back in her bag and got out the car. Sarah would was sat in the passenger seat looked awkward and didn’t say anything.

We got into the restaurant and met the other two, who had already arrived and were seated. While seated Jane mentioned to the other two that she won’t be ordering. They asked her if she’d brought lunch with her, she said she had but she’ll eat back at the office. Then referred to the incident in my car while looking rather self pitying, this is not her usual demeanour, it looked like an act if I’m honest. I took that as she was looking for sympathy and to get the others on her side. Colleague Emma* laughed and said “Nevs as if you didn’t let her eat. Now she has to watch us and be hungry”

At that point I wasn’t happy, and I’m already aware I’m probably more annoyed than nessessary, l said “And whose fault is that? She sprung it on me out of no where” Jane then said she’s mentioned previously she can’t eat out at the moment due to her diet, which is a lie, she has never told me that.
I said she should have eaten at her before we came out. I also said to Jane “I wasn’t going to swallow any discomfort because you’ve put me in a situation you knew wouldn’t be comfortable with. If you feel awkward now, it’s on you” Emma then continues to press and says that regardless, if she wasn’t going to make a mess, it would have been nice if I’d let her use my car. At this point I snapped “My car my rules! That’s the end of the discussion!”
Everyone went quiet and looked awkwardly in their menus.

About 30 seconds go by and no one has said a word. I stand up and said “I’m not sitting in this awkwardness I don’t have time for it anyway, I’m going back” and leave. (Emma’s car is a 5 seater so fits all of them for the drive back, I wouldn’t have left anyway stranded)

I know snapping and walking out was extreme, I’m very stressed with work at the moment. I have my own portfolio that I cannot distribute out to anyone else for assistance. I’m overloaded with work. I think this was why I was so short with them.

I didn’t speak to any of them for the rest of the afternoon, everyone was quiet. I’m not dreading Monday, but I am anticipating another awkward atmosphere and I don’t even know how to go about it.

I know my delivery was unreasonable, but was colleague also unreasonable? Or am I just a snappy nightmare?

It sounds deliberate to me.

Who on earth goes out for a lunch and insists on eating in the car ?
Not only that they absolutely you would say no and did it anyway.
They are seriously pushing boundaries by going on and on
Well done you for walking out !

This was totally a power play - weirdly similar to the 'workman utterly destroying woman's loo' threads you see on here.

I agree with pp, she was testing your boundaries, well done for standing firm.

They sound horrible btw, I think they were jealous of your standards, and your new car, and wanted to take you down a peg or two.

Things may be difficult on Monday, but everyone knows that deep down you are in the right on this.

Your car = your rules. And good on you for sticking to them.

I think you did well to stand up for yourself OP.

If you are on a diet, and can’t eat from the menu you don’t go to the restaurant . The end

It sounds like a bit of a bullying undercurrent. And you didn’t play along. Good for you

It does sound like they were taking the piss. Pathetic

Odd behaviour from both you and her. I feel sorry for the rest of the colleagues…

This is a good suggestion. Gives OP the moral high ground. Makes the bullies look like the childish twats they are 👍

Why shouldnt she snap?

Did you even read the OPs first post?

She was set upon by the others - how did you expect her to react?

If the OPs behaviour was weird - at least it was justified. Your post is beyond weird since it makes fuck all sense to anyone except you.

Just as well - you can keep it.

I don’t eat in my car either, I like it clean too. As for her sitting in the car when you’d got there and also asking you to leave her the keys so she could eat in there - that’s a special kind of strange. No way would I leave my car keys with anyone else!

YANBU. Your colleague Jane was being ridiculous and rude. She created the awkward situation. Who goes out to lunch with colleagues and then refuses to eat at the restaurant? Or even just have a drink and a starter? And then suddenly says she’s going to stay sitting in YOUR new car, with your keys, picking at a bloody lunchbox! (Cars aren’t my thing, but I can see how irritating this would be).

And then she plays the martyr telling the others she hasn’t been allowed to eat. And it was your birthday! Aargh, just reading this filled me with irritation!

that was my thought as well....

I just reread op’s original post and it honestly doesn’t sound like bullying to me. She could’ve laughed it off, but handled it badly. I think she’s caused herself a much bigger problem by storming out of the restaurant. She wanted to know if I thought she was unreasonable- and I do.

I’ve got an old car and take my dogs in it. However, I don’t allow eating in my car. Partly because I never clean it inside.
Your car, your rules

Totally get why you wouldn’t want her to eat in your car, it’s an expensive, brand new car ffs. Some people can’t ever step out of their own way and see things from other peoples points of view. Just because her and your colleagues don’t care about mess, doesn’t mean you should be like them. Deep down I bet they’re jealous of your clean, organised life which is why they wouldn’t drop it.

With kindness though, please do think long and hard if you decide to have children because honestly, they ruin everything and there’s no stopping them. I had completely refurbed my entire house before my first born anrrived and between him and my daughter, no surface remains without evidence of them. I found it very difficult at first as I was similar to you but had to majorly lower my standards so I wasn’t constantly on their case for just being kids x

A what point should she have laughed? What would she have been laughing at?

I dont think their view of you concerns you does it? Or how your work environment feels as they and your engagement with them isnt something that isnt more than a tolerance it seems from your posts.

You appear to be someone who is very rigid and up tight. That works for you. Probably not so much for others around you, again though I dont think that is something that particularly worries you.

I think you were much ruder than them in the situation and I would expect a much cooler work environment going forward. Which in its self may not bother you.

Even the laungage you use is so combative, which I always find fascinating when people confuse micro aggression and flat out aggression as having healthy boundaries. Its anything but.

Once your job and ability to deliver it successfully isnt reliant on them, I imagine the temperature in your office will be significantly cooler in the future. I certainly wouldn't engage with you outside of work following that whole interaction. There is too much of a disconnect in personality and humour to risk any future type of scenes.

I wouldn't have expected to eat my lunch in anyone's car, how rude

She should have either:

A) eaten before you all left for the restaurant

B) eaten back in the office

C) seen if there was anything on the menu that would fit in with her diet

D) bowed our of the celebrations

So glad I don't work anymore and have to put up with all this

she is stressed from work. She already had the twat asking about eating in her car and pushing when she said no.
Then they told the others so they could all laugh at how uptight OP is. On her birthday. Then they went on and on and on until OP left.

Sounds very much like bullying to me.

If you have been bullied you know how it goes. It is only fun and bantz if everyone is laughing.

What i read about the shitty behaviour people on MN put up with, i am slightly relieved to hear that people like @Nevs still exist.

Lunchbox was deliberately trying to wind you up wanting to eat in your new car.

You set a boundary with her of no eating in my car. That was good.

She's the one keeping it going at the restaurant. I'm guessing she doesn't like being told no. Tough.

I think you overreacted a little leaving your own lunch. You could have just left her to sulk or whatever and moved on.

Sounds like a bit of a toxic vibe has developed with the older co workers. OP’s fastidiousness had given someone in the group an in . A queen bee type most likely.

And this really does look like a set up. I think the OP refused to play Patsy. Good for her

Lunchbox lady should have eaten beforehand at work, I’m sure it didn’t take a half hour to get to the restaurant so she should have eaten it right before you all left. I think in these situations on Monday just act normal. Talk to everyone like usual. If someone says something say you were hangry!

You don't sound unreasonable in the slightest to me. I don't class myself as excessively tidy and I also make my bed as soon as we get up, clean the shower enclosure each time, wipe the work surfaces etc. Your colleague was being rude expecting to eat in your new car, especially as they already know your ways. Don't let them bother you. Hope you had a nice rest of your Birthday xx

It’s concerned her enough to post on here

I don't even eat in my car!! You are definitely nbu. I would never agree to that, or giving her the keys to lock up!! They were also very wrong keep badgering you. Quite the toxic environment. Don't know what to advise for Monday though... Just act as normal and see their reactions?

Thank you.

To be honest, your last sentence is exactly why I haven’t had children. I don’t think I’d adapt well to the mess, and it would not be fair on me to inflict that onto a child. When I go to my siblings houses, their kids have the toys scattered all over the living room floor and sofas, and it almost overwhelms me. I couldn’t live like that day to day.

My friends daughter crayoned all over her wall upstairs while I was a the house, when we both discovered it, I was horrified. More than she was. I couldn’t understand how she was so calm. I don’t think parenthood is for me.

I also a huge animal lover, I’d love my own dog but haven’t got one for the exact same reasons.
I also love cats, I think I could tolerate a cat. They’re quite clean and independent. Guess I’m destined for a life as a stereotypical old cat woman 😂