Walked out of my own birthday lunch

[Nevs]

I walked out of my birthday lunch with colleagues yesterday. I know I’ve overreacted a bit but need some perspective from an outsiders perspective.

For context, as I feel it is relevant: I am a very tidy person and big on cleanliness. It’s an ongoing joke with people at work, as I wipe my desk down with antibacterial wipe each morning. My desk is always very tidy and bare, in comparison to everyone else’s, which people pick up on. There’s light teasing in the group but it’s fine, each of us have our own little quirks that make us unique. This is mine. I cannot relax in mess, so therefore my workspace needs the be clean and tidy, as does my house (as you’re probably guessing, no I don’t have kids yet 😆)

I have recently bought a brand new car, from the dealership. Everyone at work knows, they refer to it as my “big fancy car” It cost quite a lot but I’ve been saving for it for a while as it’s a car I’ve always wanted, and guess you could say it was a birthday present to myself. I’ve also had custom amendments to the interior and seats to make it look nicer. (Not trying to boast, as I said I’m just giving context to the situation)

Now on to the actual incident… It was my birthday yesterday. At work we all tend to eat out a local restaurant for lunch when it’s someone’s birthday.

I’m really not big on making a fuss on my birthday to be honest, it’s just another day to me, and I’ve been overwhelmed with work recently, so couldn’t have really done with that extra time to catch up on work. So I didn’t particularly want to go, but still I agreed to go for lunch since I guess you could say it’s tradition. While the restaurant is local, you need to drive there. So 5 of us went in 2 cars- 2 in one car, and 3 including myself, in my car (the two colleagues in my car don’t drive)

As I pulled up to the restaurant car park, I have colleague Sarah in my passenger seat, and Jane in the backseat. Just as we’re about t get out, Jane out of no where pulls out her lunchbox and says “Nev do you mind if I just eat this in here? I can’t eat anything in there right now (she’s on a diet)”
Immediately I’m irritated, as

1. she put me on the spot, she did not warn me before hand
2. as everyone knows, I’m a clean freak and admittedly a bit uptight, I can’t help it. And I’ve just spent a lot of money having my interior upgraded, she knew full well I would be uncomfortable with this, but she choose to put me in that situation anyway

My response was “Um, no? I don’t eat in my car”
She said she wouldn’t make a mess, and suggested for my benefit, as she doesn’t want to keep me waiting, I can leave her in my car with the car keys and she can lock up and meet us in the restaurant when she’s done. I said “Absolutely not. Why didn’t you say you weren’t going to be eating in there before we left?” She looked a bit put out but then accepted it, and said “it’s fine” put her lunchbox back in her bag and got out the car. Sarah would was sat in the passenger seat looked awkward and didn’t say anything.

We got into the restaurant and met the other two, who had already arrived and were seated. While seated Jane mentioned to the other two that she won’t be ordering. They asked her if she’d brought lunch with her, she said she had but she’ll eat back at the office. Then referred to the incident in my car while looking rather self pitying, this is not her usual demeanour, it looked like an act if I’m honest. I took that as she was looking for sympathy and to get the others on her side. Colleague Emma* laughed and said “Nevs as if you didn’t let her eat. Now she has to watch us and be hungry”

At that point I wasn’t happy, and I’m already aware I’m probably more annoyed than nessessary, l said “And whose fault is that? She sprung it on me out of no where” Jane then said she’s mentioned previously she can’t eat out at the moment due to her diet, which is a lie, she has never told me that.
I said she should have eaten at her before we came out. I also said to Jane “I wasn’t going to swallow any discomfort because you’ve put me in a situation you knew wouldn’t be comfortable with. If you feel awkward now, it’s on you” Emma then continues to press and says that regardless, if she wasn’t going to make a mess, it would have been nice if I’d let her use my car. At this point I snapped “My car my rules! That’s the end of the discussion!”
Everyone went quiet and looked awkwardly in their menus.

About 30 seconds go by and no one has said a word. I stand up and said “I’m not sitting in this awkwardness I don’t have time for it anyway, I’m going back” and leave. (Emma’s car is a 5 seater so fits all of them for the drive back, I wouldn’t have left anyway stranded)

I know snapping and walking out was extreme, I’m very stressed with work at the moment. I have my own portfolio that I cannot distribute out to anyone else for assistance. I’m overloaded with work. I think this was why I was so short with them.

I didn’t speak to any of them for the rest of the afternoon, everyone was quiet. I’m not dreading Monday, but I am anticipating another awkward atmosphere and I don’t even know how to go about it.

I know my delivery was unreasonable, but was colleague also unreasonable? Or am I just a snappy nightmare?

Listen OP I'm a scruffy bugger that eats in my own car, however there is no way I would ask to eat my lunch in someone else's car, especially someone I knew was a clean freak and ESPECIALLY if it was a brand new car. But say I did ask if it was okay to eat in someone's car (as I'd judged them as scruffy as me lol) and they said no, I'd say "no worries!" And scoff my butty on the walk from the car. (Or do a walk round the block/to a bench to eat then meet at the restaurant)

However wtf is going on with badgering you to let them and asking to leave the keys with them?! Fuck that, and then the pile on at the restaurant after? Yeah, I'd have felt like snapping too (but I'd have most likely just got embarrassed and then apologised because I'm usually a people pleasing doormat) but especially if it was my birthday, getting passively aggressively ribbed by 4 people, of course you'd get defensive! Bullying dickheads.

What?! She didn’t ask if you’d got the stain out, so I’m assuming she didn’t offer to pay for your valet??

The fact that she was senior to you and therefore on more money makes it even more.

Who cares if a colleague spills a few crumbs in their car?

plenty of people. But it is a brand new Range Rover with a custom interior. The fuck would i let anyone eat in it. I'd have checked their shoes for mud first too.

I'd have checked their shoes for mud first too.

😂😂😂😂 please can we be friends 😆

"joshing"? borders on bullying

@Nevs ok point taken, of course I wouldn’t expect to eat where I want in someone else’s house! That’s why I said your colleague was rude to just assume she could eat in your new car!

Do you generally enjoy being with them socially outside of work? Also have any of your colleagues messaged you today to check you’re ok especially the rude one?

I also think it's a set up.

They tease you and repeatedly joke about your neatness; they call your new car your "big expensive car". They're possibly jealous - you have nice life, a lovely car, a nice neat home...and they have a mess made by their kids.

My guess is they thought it'd be funny to sit in the restaurant with you, watching you squirm while Jane sat scoffing, alone, in your brand new car. That would've provided them with ample entertainment.

But you wouldn't play the game, and so they ganged up on you and kept pressuring you.

Where I'm from, the birthday at work tradition is that the birthday person takes in cake for everyone in their department/team. So that's what I'd do on Monday morning - take in cake and say "I'm sorry I lost my temper, but I don't react well to people pushing my boundaries when I've already said 'no' repeatedly. Since my birthday celebration was ruined, I thought I'd have a different celebration. Would you like a piece of cake?" And then just move on and keep it purely professional from now on.

And TBH OP, your cleaning routine doesn't sound extreme in the slightest - I clean the worktop down after cooking, or the table after eating - it'd be disgusting not to clean it after cooking. I also make my bed every morning - but I do air it first. As for the shower - I have a shower curtain but my Mum has a shower door and she (and I when I stay) always blades it down after each use - it means the bathroom looks like it's clean. I also can't cope with crap being left out on the kitchen worktop - it does my head in - and my Mum says she's always envious of my kitchen worktops when she sees them. As far as I'm concerned, a clean, tidy, calm house = a peaceful mind.

I mean I think if any of these people really had options they probably wouldn’t be having slightly bleak birthday lunches with colleagues. This one is at least more memorable now for the tantrum.

If it borders on bullying then you point out they’re going too far - storming out of the restaurant doesn’t solve anything.

@Nevs I'm with you on this one.

Diet woman should have eaten beforehand at work or just not come. Asking to eat in your car is weird.

Diet women's diet will fail if she is that inflexible. She should have just ordered a starter or salad and should certainly not have mentioned you refusing her to eat in your car. That was rude. She should have lied and said she wasnt hungry and be utterly embarrassed she even asked.

Your car, your rules. Your colleague was cheeky and if you’d agreed to this you probably would’ve been cleaning up the crumbs. It does sound like they were testing you a bit.

One of my old colleagues spilled coffee over my car speaker. She was apologetic but had a laugh about it to another colleague. I didn’t make a big deal of it but it annoyed me that it became social currency with another colleague who thought it was hilarious 🙄

I enjoy being with them as much as most people enjoy socialising with their colleagues I guess.

They are nice ladies, although they do have form for being condescending towards me. I am early 30s, they are late 30s, so not that much older. However their lifestyle is a lot more “grown up” so to speak. They have kids. Whereas I don’t. I think they see my life as superficial as I spend it decorating my house or travelling. They like to remind me of the fact that they have kids and more responsibilities. If I say I’m going on a city break somewhere in Europe, they’ll say “Again. That was me before I have kids” it can feel a bit passive aggressive.

Or they’ll try to give me life advice in a condescending manner, despite them only being 7 years older. I shut it down, respectfully and let them know what works for me and what doesn’t.

This is why I’m suprised that they were taken aback by my reaction, I have never given them the impression that I can be backed into a corner on anything.

Yanbu to make your own rules for what happens in your car.

Lunchbox colleague should have discussed her plans beforehand and travelled (and eaten) in the other car. Given that she didn't bother, what happened next was her own lookout.

Your colleagues aren't very nice people.

What I don’t understand is, if it was so important to eat in a car, why didn’t she ask to eat in the other person’s car? Or why didn’t someone else suggest it.

This is why I'm beginning to consider the thoughts of those who are suggesting it was a deliberate wind up.

It's a shame they got you so wound up that you didn't think to suggest this!

Can we make our point without xenophobic remarks please? Jesus!

ok.. so what if it was someone asking if they could smoke in your car, you tell them you don't allow smoking in the car, and they say "But i'll make sure the window is open and blow the smoke and ask out there.. the cigarette will never be in the car!"

It's fucking rude. No means no.. they're a grown woman, not a child to wheedle and try to talk the OP into dropping her boundaries that are going to leave her car smelly and potentially dirty.

What kind of person goes out for lunch with friends and brings their own lunch with them?? What an attention-seeking bampot.

Sorry your birthday lunch was spoiled.

This is all normal for me 🤔 i don't fine this rigid at all. Belated Happy Birthday for yesterday x

Any person of couth would have eaten discreetly ahead of time or just ordered a green salad, or something. Not whipped out a box lunch in someone else's vehicle! How crass.

What awful behavior from them. I am a slob who eats in my own car all the time - however, I would never assume I could eat in someone else's car. That's just rude!

Plus it's Jane's problem if she's on a diet. She could have ordered something suitable. I've been asked to go for lunch before when I've brought packed lunch into work, and I say 'I'll eat this and then just come over for a drink'. They sound weird and unpleasantly jealous of your car.

@Nevs sure, let's be friends!!

When you are being bullied, you feel under pressure from the nagging about eating in the car and are stressed from work?

For sure I'd have walked out. But when they returned i would have told them they had behaved unacceptably, and that if it was ever repeated i would escalate to management for bullying.

Sometimes, when people are behaving like thick bullying cunts, the shock move is what you need to do.

Solent Green?

This

You snapped.
Co-worker is a cf.
Move on.

Sorry bringing a picnic to have in someone’s brand new car on their birthday, when they’ve saved up for it for ages they are known for liking cleanliness? Bizarre. And you’re not uptight, all you did was say no - they tried to ride roughshod over your boundaries.