Stepdaughter’s bedroom at Christmas

[Balletbabe]

My 14 year old stepdaughter has an en-suite bedroom at our house which she uses maybe two or three nights a month.. This room is sacrosanct and DH won’t entertain conversations about it.

Essentially she will not allow my mother to use it over Christmas even if she isn’t here.

My sister is with her in-laws.

We either put my daughter in with our youngest two, or bring baby back in with us. Either of these solutions would potentially lead to sleep regression for both the younger kids. Or we travel for just under an hour to my mother’s, taking kids away from their presents and she will then feel the need to host us.

We still have no idea if stepdaughter is even going to be here.

All DH will say is he wouldn’t want anyone in his room either and he is willing to collect her after presents and she could get Uber back.

But he’s always going to favour his oldest DD over his other children, clearly.

I agree she should leave.

I don't know that it is fair to say he favours her over their other children. He clearly is a loving father and he does his best to promote a close relationship between the SD and the two younger kids (the SD is also apparently besotted with them and eagerly seeks out a closer relationship). She is not rude or unpleasant to anyone and the husband is very kind and generous to his own SD. But the SD doesn't see the OP's eldest daughter as a sibling and she doesn't want a close relationship with OP's extended family. She has two sets of close and loving grandparents on either side plus extended family members. It seems pretty reasonable to me that she doesn't want to bond with OP's family. She's friendly and polite and surely that's enough. Her father agrees.

He seems to be forgetting that the OP’s DD is also a sibling of his two younger children who are was 50% responsible for bringing into the world. He is 50% responsible for this unblended family.

He isn’t forgetting it. OP’s DD also has her own room.

He is 50% responsible for his shared children yes and he seems to look after and support them. They go for trips with their dad and older half sister and do things to create the strong bond together.

Ops daughter lives with her half siblings full time so gets that daily bond and little in jokes and stuff.

He is only responsible for three children and she is responsible for three children. Only two overlap.

He seems to provide a nice house big enough for them all and op seems to have zero complaints about the fact she cannot steam roll him and his older daughter to fit into the family she wants them to be. She has no regard for their feelings.

How is he forgetting her? She lives with him and has her own room. The OP says he treats her well. She lives with him 24/7 while his own daughter only sees him a few times a month and at holidays.

Steam roller? She’d like to have her mum stay for a few days over Christmas. There’s potentially an empty room. But this dad who’s so great with his other children and the OP’s DD would rather disrupt all of them than have his eldest’s empty room used.

This thread really rams home how much many MNers loathe grandparents.

Heavens to Betsy, it has nothing to do with loathing grandparents!

ETA most suggestions made on the thread involve OP’s mum getting a bed, just not the DSD’s bed.

Because this is bigger than the bedroom.

The op wants her step child to feel and act and behave like a sister to her child. She doesn’t want to.

The op wants the step daughter to be and feel closer to her and her family. She doesn’t want to.

The op is just using the bedroom as another thing to try and get her way. Her mother lives less than an hour away she doesn’t need to sleep over at all. Her partner has offered to get her to and from her house for Christmas Day itself. But that’s not good enough for the op.

If she's there, yes bring baby in with you. If stepdaughter not there then that's a piss take and its your house and you and h decide what happens with the bedrooms not a 14 year old.

Not at all. My children have a close relationship with both grandmothers. But there are other options here. The baby can sleep with the parents, the eldest daughter can sleep downstairs or with the smaller two. The husband has offered to drive her home either, she doesn't live far away.

It's also unclear how the grandmother in question would feel about all this given she has previously told the OP she needs to accept the way things are.

And daddy says nobody but his daughter sleeps in that room 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Husband has decided. The room is not a guest room. End of story.

How do you know that? Are they your kids?

Well that’s lucky, because DH has decided that DSD’s bedroom isn’t available to guests.

Gosh, all this fawning over a man who’s just as much at fault if not more so than the OP.

As for “she doesn’t need [my emphasis] sleep over all” - of course! She’s old, she’s a woman, why on earth should what either she or her daughter, the OP, want rather than need ever be considered! Stupid pair of women, right?

Like I said.

I come from a huge Irish family, so we always had guests backwards and forwards across the pond my whole life. I was moved out of my room as a child more times than I can remember to accommodate Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents, etc.

It's perfectly normal to let a guest, especially your older Mum, stay in an empty room, particularly if there's an ensuite. There'd be no way I'd be moving all the other kids around and inconveniencing them to leave that room empty; it's crazy and very selfish.

Yes, it's your SD's room, but it's also a room in your house (not just your Husband's...).

Even if your SD ends up being there, I'd still be moving her in with one of the other kids to accommodate the Mum.

So why is her birthday daughter giving up her room an option? Hubby is fine with that apparently

Ops never going to change her partners mind. So it’s a lost cause. Round and around we go.

He picked the wrong person to have more children with and so did she.

I am also Irish and same.

But it doesn't matter what you or I would do because the husband has made it ABUNDANTLY clear the no one else will be sleeping in his daughter's bedroom.

He doesn't make those kind of decisions regarding OP's eldest daughter, it would seem.

This- op def doesn’t want the dsd and the younger sibs having time together without her daughter, her mum actually sounds v sensible as she’s told op how unreasonable she was sobbing and crying about that.

I don't think it sounds like that at all, I think it's more the point the sd wants time alone with the siblings and wants to specifically exclude ops daughter. Either way, this post isn't about that.

No one is fawning over him. People are just pointing out that as far as this issue is concerned, the OP is fighting a losing battle. Her husband/partner won't change his mind on this point and he has been extremely clear about this. He has been upfront about how things will be in regarding his daughter. His daughter and his side of the family simply will not blend in the manner the OP wants. Nobody is rude or unkind, but the OP can't be satisfied with that.

It is for her own good that people are advising her to accept the situation as it is. If she can't then she can leave, but I don't think she will because she seems broadly happy except at holidays when the SD is around more.

So since she won't leave and her husband won't change his mind, she needs to accept and make other plans.

Why is it exclusion to want to spend time with your own siblings rather than just wanting to spend time with your siblings?

Not everything is about excluding someone rather than just inviting who you want.

If the step daughter had a party and invited her siblings and friends. Thats her inviting her family and friends. It’s not excluding the ops daughter she’s just not family or friend.

If the op and partner separated. The older two children would never see each other again bar the younger two children’s events because they are not family or friends.

It’s like being forced to invited your mums friends child to your party. Because it’s mums friend’s daughter. She’s not your friend, you are not excluding her to not invite her. She’s just simply not invited.

Not everything is done to be mean to someone else. They just don’t register on your people I want to spend time with / invite.