Stepdaughter’s bedroom at Christmas

[Balletbabe]

My 14 year old stepdaughter has an en-suite bedroom at our house which she uses maybe two or three nights a month.. This room is sacrosanct and DH won’t entertain conversations about it.

Essentially she will not allow my mother to use it over Christmas even if she isn’t here.

My sister is with her in-laws.

We either put my daughter in with our youngest two, or bring baby back in with us. Either of these solutions would potentially lead to sleep regression for both the younger kids. Or we travel for just under an hour to my mother’s, taking kids away from their presents and she will then feel the need to host us.

We still have no idea if stepdaughter is even going to be here.

All DH will say is he wouldn’t want anyone in his room either and he is willing to collect her after presents and she could get Uber back.

Oh yeah I'm sure there are. Just this other one is very similar with the age gap between the daughters, one in boarding school and one not. But yep I'm sure these issues crop up a lot.

Reading the OP I thought your husband & SD were being unreasonable as the room was definitely going to be unoccupied. Given SD might well be with you it is entirely unreasonable to be offering her room up for someone else! As someone who isn't at the house all the time and has this uncertainty over where she will be for christmas I would imagine her feeling vulnerable over this. Not fair for you to angle to take her room rather than your own daughter's.

I think the ‘best rooms’ go to the family members in residence. So I would be looking at rewinding the notion that SD gets the big en-suite it’s simply not fair that DH has insisted that a child that doesn’t live with you and maybe stays once a week gets the en-suite room that’s totally unreasonable (and smacks of parental guilt). As for the Christmas arrangements…your mum gets the en-suite 100%. The older kids can bunk down together or wherever and make the best of it…don’t disturb the little ones as it’s not worth the regression hassle. But honestly the notion that SD get the en-suite is not reasonable on any occasion.

You might very well think that, but that isn’t the deal in this very much “unblended” family, and OP knows this.

Love for op to try that and come back and tell us just how well that went down. 😂🫣

Have you read the OP's posts and any of the responses? It has been explained repeatedly that the DH paid for an expensive extension precisely to ensure that his daughter has this bedroom. He has made it clear that it is not to be used as a guest room. There is no debate to be had.

The OP is wasting her time.

This is ridiculous. A 14 year old absolutely does NOT get to dictate who stays in the room she uses a couple of times a month.

But her dad who paid for that exact bedroom does.

Her father does though, and he's decided. It's his house. He built an entire extension to ensure she gets it.

It is frustrating that people aren't realising this.

Well I’m afraid her dad is a selfish twat!!

A dad who makes sure his child at boarding school has her own room for her use at any time she wants to visit is a selfish twat?

Nah his a bloody good dad respecting her privacy and making she she always has a room and bed at HIS house.

Op trying to insist on her mother who lives under an hour away can only possibly sleep in that room over the whole of Christmas when she doesn’t know if her step daughter will be staying is the more selfish twat as you put it.

At Christmas you move rooms. I remember having to give up my bedroom so my grandparents could sleep in it and I lived in the house every day of the year. If you watch home alone etc children move rooms to accommodate guests. I don't understand why sd gets to keep the room if she not there.

I think it's actually kind of impressive how steadfastly he backs his daughter despite OP's obvious resentment. He's done his very best to ensure she has her own space in his home where she can feel secure.

And again, the room is not guaranteed to be empty at Christmas. The SD may well be there. But OP wants to plan to give away her room regardless.

And end of the day it doesn't matter if he's a selfish arsehole or not, it's his house, his daughter, his decision and the OP knows this but continues to strop about it when she knows it won't change.

The the OP can move baby back in with them. No big deal since this was the case until recently anyway. Or her eldest daughter can give up her own room. Or OP's husband can drive the grandmother home or pay for an Uber, as he has offered. Lots of options but the OP wants the only one that is not on the table.

@BettysRoasties- it’s Christmas and you’ve got adult guests.
I have friends who have teenage children who have en suite rooms. They know if people come to stay they are moved.
shes entitled and he’s enabling her to grow up to be an entitled madam.

Or... girl at boarding school where she will not have her own space for many weeks of the year, actually has a guaranteed space at her dad's house, where she can keep her diary, notes from friends, anything else she wants, rather than give up her space to a woman she does not know.

Well the dh doesn’t want her in his daughters room. Thats really the end of it.

Maybe he doesn’t even want her there at all considering his offered other solutions. It’s not like she lives the other end of the country. It’s less than an hour away she doesn’t need to stay over night at all let alone for multiple nights.

Op feels entitled to his house and his daughters room. None of her children have to move rooms or give up theirs.

I wouldn’t move out of my room for the king himself let alone my dads girlfriend mother.

Would you allow someone (unrelated to you) to sleep in your room if you might not be home?

OP herself, despite her clear resentment, admits the SD is a lovely polite girl with good manners.

And again have you missed that she may be there for Christmas?

It doesn't matter anyway because the room is simply not available. The OP should behave as though it doesn't exist.

So she should gaslight herself into thinking a room in her home isn’t there?

Not really her home, then, is it?

Just like she’s trying to gas light everyone in rl that she’s got a lovely blended family when she hasn’t.

The room is off limits. Her partner or husband depending on what she’s calling him on each given day made that perfectly clear when HE paid for it to be built. Just as his daughter has made it perfectly clear she has no interest in ops oldest child being her sibling.

The dad is perfectly happy with his two separate families in one house.

He’s a bit of a shit, then, isn’t he. I agree the OP is kidding herself that this is ever going to work out.

The room exists but it is not available for her guests to use. It's her SD's bedroom, end of story.

I don't understand what people cannot comprehend here. It doesn't matter how crazy you think the situation is. It isn't going to change. The OP's husband made this very clear to her, seemingly repeatedly, but she will not accept it. The room is for his daughter's exclusive use.

If the OP can't tolerate it then she can leave, as many other posters have recommended, because this won't change. Though to me it's foolish to deprive her two younger children of a loving involved parents simply because she can't accept that her stepdaughter's bedroom is just that.

I think his a great dad. Not good partner.

But she’s hitched her wagon to him and added two more children to the non blend.

He takes his children away and to events. He will attend ops families events but his older child doesn’t need to attend and they both him and his daughter think the invite to her sisters wedding was weird. That’s what they both think of blending.

I can only imagine a nice lifestyle is what makes it worth it for op.