Family Christmas Issue

[ChristmasIssue]

We are staying at home for Xmas this year as we got a dog back in April, don’t have anyone to have him and don’t want to leave him anyway.

As we wouldn’t be visiting anyone, back in September, we said to our family that everyone is welcome to come to us if they would like but we understand if people want to do other things or stay at home themselves.

8 relatives have chosen to come to us, including my cousin with 2 children aged 7 and 2. Everyone coming is aware we have a new dog and that he was our reason for staying home for Xmas.

Now we are less than 3 weeks til Xmas and my cousin has said that she isn’t happy with her children being around our dog and asked us what we plan to do. I was a bit annoyed as we had been clear about everything but I’ve said the dog will be here, although I’m happy to keep the dog out of one room all the time and in another room whilst we eat dinner. My cousin has said this isn’t good enough, that her children should be able to move around the house as they wish without worrying about our dog. She is suggesting kennels or that our dog stays outside or is made to stay in one room. Our dog is small, very clam etc, so no trouble but I do understand that dogs aren’t for everyone.

Another relative has waded in and is asking if our dog can go elsewhere for the time they are all visiting, which is 3 days in total. I’ve said no, that won’t be happening. Now cousin and this other relative are trying to involve more relatives and get them to say they are not happy with the dog being here. I’ve ignored their texts and calls today. The texts are saying that cousin and her children will no longer be able to come if the dog stays, that I’m cruel to prioritise our dog over a child and that it’s too late for them to go anywhere else so I’m making her spend it alone as a single mum. The other relative is also now saying she is allergic to dogs so I would be making her Xmas difficult. There was no mention of this previously and she agreed to come knowing we had a dog.

Tomorrow I plan to text to say that if they no longer want to come, that’s a shame, but I understand and that if anyone else feels the same, to let me know due to food and drinks order.

My partner and kids (older) have said that next year we are staying home and no one is invited!

What do you think of the whole situation and do you think I’ve been fair? I really wish I hadn’t bothered inviting anyone.

@ChristmasIssue we have a mixed breed rescue dog and got his doggie DNA done just because we were intrigued as to what breeds he had in him. Dogs trust had him down as Yorkshire terrier cross but he’s no yorkie in him. Didn’t cost loads to get the DNA done and it’s just a cheek swab.
I think your cousin and really 2 are totally unreasonable. They knew u had a dog when they accepted the invite.

You have to appreciate the irony of someone saying 'let me get this right' and then managing to get it completely wrong 😂

Thinking about this more, since when did it become ok to make demands to a host when invited as a guest? Surely in the past if you were invited to something you either gratefully accepted or politely declined if there was something about the event you didn't like. I certainly don't recall in the past people making demands about not forgetting aunt so and so with her allergies and stating what food they can eat and how little Fred is scared of dogs so keep them out the way.
If I know I have particular issues about something then I just don't go or make the adaptions myself - my children are fussy eaters so we would usually go after food so not to cause issues at dinner time for example. I certainly wouldn't expect wider family to accommodate my children's needs.

I agree. You have said “we are at home because we have the dog”. To accept an invitation and then object to the dog is quite ridiculous - and I say this as someone who can’t stand dogs and would have said a polite “no thanks” to the initial invitation for that reason. The only thing that makes me wonder if they properly understood the situation is the allergic relative accepting. Surely that would be utter madness?

I would tell them that your dog has been kind enough to allow then to visit it's home, but it wont be offended if they choose not to come. However it is very offensive to try and evict said dog from it's own house while they visit, or dictate limitations on its access to it's own home!

This is just rage bait

Just disinvite them. I love spending Christmas doing as I like with just immediate family, I suggest you do the same.

I would just say ‘I’m really sorry dear family. You’ve completely missed the point about the fact we are staying home because of the dog. The dog will not be shut in a separate room so as I don’t want to cause you any stress on Christmas Day, please feel free to make alternative arrangements!’

Enjoy Christmas with your doggy! They are much better than people!

Only time I have asked for a dog to be out of the room was when it was a neutral house ( neither of ours) and the dog although friendly had bounced at my toddler and scared her into tears. Owner wasn’t happy and made it very uncomfortable so we left as soon as we could, however if we had been in the dogs house I would not make that request. When we have guest who are nervous of dogs we have him on a lead or in a pen. Often after a while they are ok for him to be a bit nearer them ( big super friendly but droopy and bouncy dog)

This^^

Just cancel the invitation and they can all have their big Xmas at someone else’s house, surely?

First response nails it. What the fuck is wrong with some people?

I agree - I think it started with allergies, but has escalated into people treating hosts like restaurant managers with a higher duty of care.

When I was small the rule was, abide by the host’s rules in their home and understand other people do things differently so smile and say thank you!

You obviously know your family best, but I would be cancelling the arrangements and not giving them the option of withdrawing otherwise you will find yourself having to manage their expectations of what and were the dog should be for the duration of their stay. If you don’t want to enjoy Christmas, crack on, but after making their thoughts quite clear, there is a strong risk by placing the ball in their court you will still be facing the issues and could be under a lot of pressure to isolate your dog for the duration of their stay.

Alternatives would be for them to just come for a few hours which may be more manageable in terms of your dog (though not for the person with the dog allergy who would be affected even if the dog was not there).

YANBU and they are CFs. Do add to your text that you made it clear right from the start that your dog would be in your house at Christmas and you have already offered to keep it out of one room (and bedrooms?) The choice of whether or not to come is entirely theirs.

Suggest they find kennels for their children while they are sponging a free trip with the OP!

I wouldn’t make any changes to your dogs routine, or exclude him from any rooms. He needs to integrate with people, they need to accept he/she is a new member of the family. You pointed out initially why you were staying home. I’m sorry, but they sound manipulative, don’t be a doormat. Stand your ground, your circus, your rules. I hope you have a good Christmas, enjoy your dog and amenable family. I’d love another dog, but my DH is against it. (Should he pre decease me though, I’ll be in Dogs Trust before he’s cold 😉❤️)

Just withdraw the offer, asap.

CFs
Enjoy Christmas with your dog!

They knew before they accepted! It's a bit like saying 'well yes, we'll come to you for Christmas even though your house is too small, so you're going to have to build an extension or knock down that dividing wall before we come, so our children can run riot around the entire place.'

I have a Horrible Dog. The entire family is aware (and tolerant) of her existence, but if I go to another person's house I leave the dog at home unless she is specifically invited. If they come here they know she is a fixture. If anyone demanded ANYTHING of me as host in my own home, they wouldn't be coming.

Perfect!

Exactly this. You havent sprung the dog on them, they were fully aware from the beginning the dog would be there.

They dont like it- fine, they dont come. End of.

Are they thick? Surely accepting an invitation where a dog is going to be is conditional on accepting the presence of the dog.
Dont over explain or try reasoning. Just type ‘sorry to hear you’ve changed your mind about coming but thanks for letting us know we will adjust food plans accordingly’.

@whitewinefriday it’s not perfect placing the onus on the guests as having made their feeling clear, they may still pitch up and try to then enforce their feelings which does not bode well OP or the dog. Managing a dog where a child who is fearful of a dog is really hard work even for a short period of time and an allergy can’t be managed by OP. The best course of action is to withdraw the invitation for those who are vocalising that there is an issue/how the dog is managed.

Must be hard to be so hard of reading. To help a bit I will point out the following in the OP

My cousin has said this isn’t good enough, that her children should be able to move around the house as they wish without worrying about our dog. She is suggesting kennels or that our dog stays outside or is made to stay in one room.

Another relative has waded in and is asking if our dog can go elsewhere for the time they are all visiting

and finally

Now cousin and this other relative are trying to involve more relatives and get them to say they are not happy with the dog being here.

"dictating" through suggestions that the OP is being sooooo unfair and should lock the dog away/send it to kennels (think of the children) or else they won't be coming, is still dictating