Family Christmas Issue

[ChristmasIssue]

We are staying at home for Xmas this year as we got a dog back in April, don’t have anyone to have him and don’t want to leave him anyway.

As we wouldn’t be visiting anyone, back in September, we said to our family that everyone is welcome to come to us if they would like but we understand if people want to do other things or stay at home themselves.

8 relatives have chosen to come to us, including my cousin with 2 children aged 7 and 2. Everyone coming is aware we have a new dog and that he was our reason for staying home for Xmas.

Now we are less than 3 weeks til Xmas and my cousin has said that she isn’t happy with her children being around our dog and asked us what we plan to do. I was a bit annoyed as we had been clear about everything but I’ve said the dog will be here, although I’m happy to keep the dog out of one room all the time and in another room whilst we eat dinner. My cousin has said this isn’t good enough, that her children should be able to move around the house as they wish without worrying about our dog. She is suggesting kennels or that our dog stays outside or is made to stay in one room. Our dog is small, very clam etc, so no trouble but I do understand that dogs aren’t for everyone.

Another relative has waded in and is asking if our dog can go elsewhere for the time they are all visiting, which is 3 days in total. I’ve said no, that won’t be happening. Now cousin and this other relative are trying to involve more relatives and get them to say they are not happy with the dog being here. I’ve ignored their texts and calls today. The texts are saying that cousin and her children will no longer be able to come if the dog stays, that I’m cruel to prioritise our dog over a child and that it’s too late for them to go anywhere else so I’m making her spend it alone as a single mum. The other relative is also now saying she is allergic to dogs so I would be making her Xmas difficult. There was no mention of this previously and she agreed to come knowing we had a dog.

Tomorrow I plan to text to say that if they no longer want to come, that’s a shame, but I understand and that if anyone else feels the same, to let me know due to food and drinks order.

My partner and kids (older) have said that next year we are staying home and no one is invited!

What do you think of the whole situation and do you think I’ve been fair? I really wish I hadn’t bothered inviting anyone.

Whilst I'd never willingly spend time in a house with a dog, I'd never have accepted an invitation in the first place so I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

Bravo OP, and bravo to your son as well. I would request that you put those dog photos in this thread as well but understand if you don't want to be outing!

I would have been sorely tempted to put a pass-agg "per my last email..." bit as well.

Well done op. Also your son is fab!

@Terrifictiger Thank you for making me laugh

It's the way they have taken the nuclear option that is so annoying, if she had mentioned she was worried about the 2yr old and DDog and how to keep them both safe, you could probably have come up with solutions and reassurance. An elderly toothless small dog is probably at more risk than the toddler !

Your dog, your house, your rules. I can’t believe these people even thinking you’d send your dog to kennels.

Have a great Christmas and I hope the dog gets some turkey

Yanbu, but your family are CF's for sure.
Far better if they don't come, it all sounds like a pressure cooker situation.

I would also think a very manic dynamic for a pup.

Lucky escape.

No. Absolutely not.
You made it extremely clear that you would not be attending the family Christmas get together because you have a new addition to your family and would not be leaving your dog alone or being put in a kennel.

Other family said why don't we come to you and make it easier then?
You said okay

Now you have a couple of family members who are trying to dictate that your dog gets shut away or brought to a kennel again.

Personally, I would rather take those family members and lock them in a spare room or send them to a kennel... I can't stand when people start to change pre-made plans that are made for a reason just to suit them.

You can send the group message out to everyone just reminding them how much you appreciate their willingness to change the plans from gathering at "So and so's house" and coming to your house so you can accommodate your new family member,
But let me be clear, our dog will not be shut away or locked up, if you are not comfortable with this, I'm sorry that we will not see you this year, Merry Christmas

Stand your ground. They knew the full reason, and stick with those who have been on "team doggy" from the beginning

I am thinking that it must be down to stress or something else going on with her. In the past she has talked to me about things she’s struggling with though and I’ve been supportive so she knows I’m here for her.

My partner thinks I’m making excuses for her and although he doesn’t dislike her, he does think she has become self centred. I remind him that she is a single mum with no real help and that she’s under quite a lot of stress from work and managing everything else herself. I think what can come off as self centred is just her not having much time. When she has time off she makes an effort to see us, she has always remembered things with my children, and before the kids dad left her, she was a lot more thoughtful because she was less stressed and had more time. I remember when my children were around the ages of her children and I felt quite stressed at times and I had a partner and other people close by to help out. Maybe I am making excuses, but this does feel out of character and out of nowhere.

She knows that if she comes for Xmas, we will all help out with the kids. She was here at the start of the year and my kids took her oldest to the cinema, the park etc, we all entertained her youngest so she could get some time to herself. We’ve all been quite excited at the thought of having kids here that still believe in Santa. She was stressed about Xmas last month so that’s when she asked if she could have the kids main presents sent to our house. Then she was stressed about getting the kids other presents wrapped and family presents wrapped as she’s working til the kids break up and her youngest doesn’t sleep well. I told her if she wants to turn up on Xmas eve with the stuff in black bags, then either we would do it together or my youngest two would do it for her as they love wrapping stuff, if she wanted, or we’d entertain the kids and she could go and wrap in peace with a glass of wine. I really don’t know what to think.

I'm very sorry you're going through this stress OP. I hope your latest message to the extended family will make it very clear that you're happy to host but your dog will be present. It's his home, why should he be sent to kennels or left outside. ( My small, elderly dog wouldnt cope with either, the thought is horrible!).

It's very unfair of them to expect you to send him away, especially as you made it so clear in September why you were staying home this Christmas.

Don't let them guilt trip you, they are the ones being very unreasonable.

I hope everything works out, I know you don't want any falling out with family but they do have to understand that your adorable sounding little dog is now a member of your family, not a toy that can be put away when not required.

Don’t be an idiot. You clearly have a phobia, and it’s a shame you will likely pass it on to your children, but thankfully most normal people do not share it. The OP’s social diary will survive, I assure you.

This! And yes it’s your new family member so of course you want to spend time with your dog. It wouldn’t be kind to shut the pup away for hours it’s would be very stressful for your dog. Selfish family members who can’t be arsed making their own Christmas dinner etc. Id uninvite the whingers and I hope you have a lovely first Christmas together.

OP you sound like a very kind and understanding person regarding your cousin. I know you mentioned you’d messaged her, but maybe a phone call or video call to show her your calm old hound may reassure her regarding your dog’s temperament.

By the way you talk to people, I don't think you're a people person either

Yes, "get used to a lot of cancellations in your social diary" doesn't ring true to me. That's not my experience, most people don't seem to hate dogs. The only extreme opinions about it I've heard have been here on mumsnet.
Most people I know accept dogs well enough.

I don't have one myself mind, but it's really not something I hear about in general.

Think that statement is a bit of wishful thinking.

Your relatives are cheeky fuckers. Tell them to do one.

Unless the dog is some big Bully XL they’re in the wrong. What an effing cheek!!

I did (just once) shut our dog in the kitchen, because a friend with 3 very small boys who were frightened of dogs, was visiting.
She barked the whole time!

Just as well she never visited again - purely because of distance. I wish I’d asked her why her little boys were scared, but never did. She is/was a lovely person and we’re still in touch many years later.

Can I just say that the posts from @Terrifictiger have been so batshit that I’ve been ignoring them, but some of the responses to them, like this one, have made me laugh and lightened my mood a bit. 😂

I'm not a dog person and I don't think yabu op. I think it is likely the relatives are only just thinking through the practicalities, so I can see why they have suddenly gone off the idea of being with the dog ( the idea of supervising a 2 year old around a dog for an extended period of time would fill me with dread), but they should have thought more carefully before accepting your kind hospitality (not many people host cousins and cousins kids for Xmas, nevermind offering them the amount of practical help you have, so you are being very generous). They have no right to dictate anything.

Well you're better than me OP because your cousin and other family relative's would have been retracted the instant they started playing games and trying to engage the other family invitees in the fuckery.

My son is scared of dogs, although getting better as he gets older. Lots of children who don't have dogs are, aren't they? I wasn't aware people needed a reason for a phobia, so I'm glad you didn't ask her. What could she have said? Do you think only children who have been mauled or something would be scared? Its a much less irrational fear than spiders, the dark, or even heights really.

I’ve been thinking about giving her a call but I’m not sure if to or not. I absolutely dread it turning into an argument. We have never argued before. I will see what she says if/when she responds and then based on that I may give her a call. I really hate this feeling, if there is something else going on I’d rather know but if it’s just what she says, I won’t really know what to say on a phone call as it just so unreasonable and makes no sense. At least when it’s messages you have time to digest what’s said and come up with a response.

They're being ridiculous. Suggest that the allergic relative and the one with DC spend it together and remind them that you were only hosting in order to stay with the dog.