SIL gave everyone else a nicer present from her trip compared to my 40th ‘gift’

[policer]

SIL has been on a trip and happened to return around the time of my 40th.

we invited in laws over for cake on my birthday and SIL had come back from her trip a few days earlier.

she made a point of handing me a bag (full of tat, for me) and at the same time she handed me the present she got for my DH ( her brother ). She put it down and said ‘ this is for my brother, look after it, it’s made out of silk ‘..

she also got some pretty nice presents for my kids. Which of course is lovely and so is getting a nice present for her brother.

but her present for me, was literally a couple of chocolates and a plastic hair clip in a bag. I am not big on birthdays at all- but I turned 40 so I expected a bit more care to be taken and not giving me the shittest present, compared to the others.

I always make an effort every year go get her something thoughtful.

it really hit me, how she clearly does not like or care about me. Same with my in laws really. They always want a massive deal for their birthdays and we always do that and they just got me a card and flowers. Which of course is still appreciated, but it was my 40th and for their round birthdays I’ve always had to be part of organising gifts and driving miles / taking over the planning for their cakes etc.

I never put people out- but it’s my 40th. They claim to be such great family people and that’s it ? You give others nicer presents than me and only give me a card ? It just feels a bit shit and I’m finding it hard to continue to see people who expect so much, but clearly just don’t give a shit / or were making some sort of point about it ? why else would you hand me a bag of shit whilst simultaneously handing me the great expensive present you got for your brother ? I would NEVER do this to my SIL ( I also have a brother ). Never.

I know I’ll be told I’m unreasonable and grabby and that there’s way worse. But I guess you’re not ‘ in ‘ the family and don’t understand the dynamics of how they make themselves out to be saints and expect quite a lot of time / closeness / respect, but than they do that.

I am feeling so hurt. I find it difficult to be around people who give such little shit but expect so much.

Time to lower your standards with the gifts you buy them!

Your DH can do the work to meet their expectations from now on.

Lower your expectations and also your effort. Leave them to your husband more, it's his family.

I would let your DH sort it out the gifts to his family from now on. As the poster above said lower your expectations and then you won't be disappointed.

Quick, suggest now that you no longer exchange gifts. Spend your time and effort getting yourself something nice.

yeah they literally ask me straight up to organise the cake, so annoying ! I am the cake person. I’ll just try to get out of it next time but they’ll be super offended.

A card and flowers is nice.

It isn't nice to think of a present SIL gave you as 'a bag full of tat'.

It is natural to care more for your brother than for your brother's wife.

Not everyone thinks that a 'round number' birthday is more important than any other birthday.

Do your inlaws really 'want a massive deal for their birthdays' or are they just going along with what they think everyone wants?

Why do you 'organise gifts and take over planning for their cakes'?

Different families have different attitudes to birthdays.

Just match back from now on. Or you don’t do anything at all, since it’s actually your husbands responsibility anyway.

Yeah that’s really mean. They’ve told you who they really are. Dial back your efforts with them, leave them to your DH.

My SIL got sick of organising everything for our side of the family (my brother is rubbish at that stuff) and told us from then on she would be organising / inviting /buying for her family and my brother would take care of our side. It hurt a bit at the time and also meant that we never got presents etc as my brother is useless. This was early in their marriage (they've been married 20 years now) and I respect her decision. They've cast you in a role that you didn't ask for and get nothing out of. Time for your husband to do more for his side of the family.

When you say you buy her really thoughtful gifts, are those gifts from you and your DH? Make him responsible for gifts for his family.

I leave DH to sort his family now, have done since I realised I had started to take on our DC, my family and his family. Wife work. And his family are generous to me, they probably spend around a similar amount on me as they do DH.

Just say in advance that you are no longer doing cakes. And then lower efforts to the minimum. Even if I didn't like my bil/sil I would still make sure they got the same effort/value as everyone else so I think they are really mean.

It was a bag of tat. It was embarrassing.

you don’t do that on someone’s 40th birthday.
it wouldn’t have been a problem if she’d given them the presents on a separate occasion.

why hand me shit and just stutter while doing it, whilst simultaneously handing me a good present for him and telling me to look after it. Why didn’t she just give it to him? It was a statement - here is your shit. Because that’s what you deserve.

i am nothing but nice and supportive of her. Always. Her brother can’t even be bothered to talk to her half the time. It’s bullshit.

So what if they are, they dont worry about you so it seems.

Welcome to your 40s, where your ability to take shit dissolves.
spend the time and money you used to
spend on them in yourself- you deserve it.
happy birthday!

Just make a joke out of it, OP - it might be a bit annoying but it's really not a big deal. You're 40 - you're officially allowed to stop caring about this kind of nonsense.

Yeah totally.

I just find it really hard that I now have to spend Christmas with them. I never like to, but it’s even harder this year !

and it’s Xmas Eve and Xmas day. So super intense couple of days.

Make this the last one! They have been really rude, so they don’t deserve your company. Escape as much as possible, drink, in law bingo, do whatever gets you through.
I am in a similar situation and one Christmas finished me off with the in laws. Now I’m zero effort, mostly zero fucks! Never Christmas Day!

Go through your presents you have bought for them and give the in-laws and your sil each one of the items of tat that sil gave you for your 40th 😁 if they comment negatively say that it’s exactly the same as sil gave you you for your 40th so you thought they would appreciate it surely?!!!

I made it clear from the start my DH’s family were his responsibility. Once he passed away I just got my PILs a nice Christmas bouquet (after all they didn’t really need more stuff). Nothing on their birthdays. They got me a magazine subscription a couple times but that stopped. And fine I’m not that big on gift giving to be honest. If I’m seeing a friend on their birthday I’ll give them something but if not I don’t. And I don’t expect anything.
Just step way back from running around for your in laws.

Someone else's turn to do cake duties. And if they just buy you chocs and a hair clip, get them chocs and socks!

“I rarely do cakes any more.”

”For personal reasons.”

Get through Christmas as well as you can. Is it possible to downgrade SILS present?

If DH doesn’t bother with them much, I don’t see it as your job. Next year you can reduce contact and feel better about everything hopefully.

Let's talk 40th birthdays... BIL we got a three night stay at a cute hotel in popular wine 🍷 town.
mine = nothing
crickets....
never again!
And when asked about said trip said it was a horrible place, ungrateful git.

It’s always the same story though.

The IL who treat the ‘outsider’ like shit and do so blatantly.
And the DIL who bends over backwards like a mug just continuing to do so.

Sorry op you get what you allow. Why do you so much for people who very, very clearly and openly treat you badly? Why? What do you get by trying to please them so much?
Treat them the exact same. Don’t allow people to do this to you.

What did she get you for your birthday? You described the presents she bought for everyone from her travels but what was the actual birthday present?