SIL gave everyone else a nicer present from her trip compared to my 40th ‘gift’

[policer]

SIL has been on a trip and happened to return around the time of my 40th.

we invited in laws over for cake on my birthday and SIL had come back from her trip a few days earlier.

she made a point of handing me a bag (full of tat, for me) and at the same time she handed me the present she got for my DH ( her brother ). She put it down and said ‘ this is for my brother, look after it, it’s made out of silk ‘..

she also got some pretty nice presents for my kids. Which of course is lovely and so is getting a nice present for her brother.

but her present for me, was literally a couple of chocolates and a plastic hair clip in a bag. I am not big on birthdays at all- but I turned 40 so I expected a bit more care to be taken and not giving me the shittest present, compared to the others.

I always make an effort every year go get her something thoughtful.

it really hit me, how she clearly does not like or care about me. Same with my in laws really. They always want a massive deal for their birthdays and we always do that and they just got me a card and flowers. Which of course is still appreciated, but it was my 40th and for their round birthdays I’ve always had to be part of organising gifts and driving miles / taking over the planning for their cakes etc.

I never put people out- but it’s my 40th. They claim to be such great family people and that’s it ? You give others nicer presents than me and only give me a card ? It just feels a bit shit and I’m finding it hard to continue to see people who expect so much, but clearly just don’t give a shit / or were making some sort of point about it ? why else would you hand me a bag of shit whilst simultaneously handing me the great expensive present you got for your brother ? I would NEVER do this to my SIL ( I also have a brother ). Never.

I know I’ll be told I’m unreasonable and grabby and that there’s way worse. But I guess you’re not ‘ in ‘ the family and don’t understand the dynamics of how they make themselves out to be saints and expect quite a lot of time / closeness / respect, but than they do that.

I am feeling so hurt. I find it difficult to be around people who give such little shit but expect so much.

Let them be super offended. They deserve it.

And stop pandering to their birthdays, that is now your husband's to do. And if he doesn't thy can take it up with him.

They obviously don't care if they offend you!
Just say no next time they tell you to order their cake. If they ask why. "I'm not interested in doing it anymore". "I realized no one bothers to do anything for me, so I'm going to be doing the same". "I'm busy". "You can handle it".

Really work on not giving a shit what they think. Only care about their feelings as much as they care about yours.

And DO NOT remind your husband to sort gifts for his family!

So what?

Are they worrying that YOU are offended today?

Absutely stop making any effort for them.

Really think about why you’d care if people who truly don’t care about you get offended. SIL is different here to PIL for me. They did send flowers and a card. SIL is a complete twat. I’d tell DH it’s up to him to sort his family and then tell them that’s how it will go. The end. Don’t get drawn in.

Agree with PP that telling DH it’s the final straw and you’re ducking out of facilitating celebrations for his family from now on is sensible. Then do it. Maybe rewrap the tat for SiL’s Christmas present. Next time they ask you for a cake just say - “I’m done with the cake thing. You’ll need to ask DH if you want help with your birthday this year.” Or “Sorry, I’m too busy. Ask DH, maybe?” Stop going round unless you really have to.

I wouldn’t tell them directly. It only opens up the possibility of them acting offended and making the time you’re around them more difficult. They aren’t worth your time or effort.

I always make an effort every year go get her something thoughtful.

it really hit me, how she clearly does not like or care about me. Same with my in laws really. They always want a massive deal for their birthdays and we always do that and they just got me a card and flowers. Which of course is still appreciated, but it was my 40th and for their round birthdays I’ve always had to be part of organising gifts and driving miles / taking over the planning for their cakes etc.

Please stop all this effort. Show DH the tat and tell him this is the reason you are bowing out and will no longer be getting their cards, presents or cakes anything, and he needs to never ask you again.

Who cares if in laws are offended, they don’t care about offending you.

I too received this treatment, final straw was when I received a pen "because I worked in an office" so after that I suggested we should just buy for the children, not the adults (I don't have any children). That cut my costs down and the insulting presents. I would add I never received anything from the children even when they were adults!

Well, you're (quite rightly) super offended about the lack of effort they put into your gifts.

You are 'family' when it comes to the grunt work of sourcing/buying thoughtful gifts and cakes for their birthdays and other celebrations, but not family when they are making the decisions about your birthday, particularly a milestone one.

What does your DH think? Does he realise how little effort his side of the family put into anything for you?

Are you going to them or are they coming to you? If you have already bought them nice and thoughtful gifts, keep them for yourself and buy them some absolute tat from Poundland.

It's time to stop making an effort and when they come to you with requests about the cake and other stuff for their birthdays and other special occasions just tell them to contact their son as you are far too busy.

It is natural to care more for your brother than for your brother's wife - caring more for brother does not mean giving thoughtless gifts to sister in law.

What has your DH said about all this? Does he ‘see’ their treatment of you? It makes it easier if he does.
imo, I would act now. I waited and their treatment of me got worse and now I’m NC with the lot of them. DH is a mixture of LC/NC as well.
and Happy 40th OP x

Drop the rope, seriously, it’s liberating. You’ll be an absolute troublemaker, scapegoated for everything but hey, I was always that anyway. It’s almost two years since I dropped the rope and no one’s spoken to me since. They never spoke to me anyway to be fair but now, despite how above and beyond I went, now I’m not treated like absolute shit and made to feel I’m the problem.

If you get more crap at Christmas, after opening it say “Well, I suppose it’s the thought that counts, but I won’t use/eat/wear this, it’s much more your style, here …” and give it straight back.

What did DH say?

It's not about being grabby OP...it's the fact that they don't appreciate you...or appreciate how much effort and thoughts you put into it.
I'd have thrown the bag with the chocs in the bin

The present wasnt good?? you need to grow up and buy your own stuff. It was my special birthday 6 months back and guess what i was seriously poorly, miised, cards,presys,cake, the lot… its all meaningless if your healths not good… be greatful for what you have and take a look at the suffering around you

When you say a couple of chocolates, do you mean bars or individual chocolates, like out of a box?

“Nobody got me a 40th birthday cake. Sorry I can’t. I’m really busy atm”

If your the cake person just pick up a cheap £5 one from the super markets. 🤣🤣

so? you are offended by them. Let them be offended. Make them put their offendedness into words.

You have nothing at all to use. Just say "no time, the Colin the Caterpillar cake is good though, from M&S"

I’ve learned this the hard way, but basically the only way they get the message. If you buy them the same level of tatt they give you. It kills me to do it because I’m not a mean person with poor taste, but some people just take the piss.

Tit for tat OP
Or
To be more precise,
Tat for tat from now on...

Just stop making such an effort with them - they obviously don’t think that much of you.
YANBU at all - I’d be upset too!