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Original poster

SIL gave everyone else a nicer present from her trip compared to my 40th ‘gift’

121 replies

policer · 05/12/2025 19:32

SIL has been on a trip and happened to return around the time of my 40th.

we invited in laws over for cake on my birthday and SIL had come back from her trip a few days earlier.

she made a point of handing me a bag (full of tat, for me) and at the same time she handed me the present she got for my DH ( her brother ). She put it down and said ‘ this is for my brother, look after it, it’s made out of silk ‘..

she also got some pretty nice presents for my kids. Which of course is lovely and so is getting a nice present for her brother.

but her present for me, was literally a couple of chocolates and a plastic hair clip in a bag. I am not big on birthdays at all- but I turned 40 so I expected a bit more care to be taken and not giving me the shittest present, compared to the others.

I always make an effort every year go get her something thoughtful.

it really hit me, how she clearly does not like or care about me. Same with my in laws really. They always want a massive deal for their birthdays and we always do that and they just got me a card and flowers. Which of course is still appreciated, but it was my 40th and for their round birthdays I’ve always had to be part of organising gifts and driving miles / taking over the planning for their cakes etc.

I never put people out- but it’s my 40th. They claim to be such great family people and that’s it ? You give others nicer presents than me and only give me a card ? It just feels a bit shit and I’m finding it hard to continue to see people who expect so much, but clearly just don’t give a shit / or were making some sort of point about it ? why else would you hand me a bag of shit whilst simultaneously handing me the great expensive present you got for your brother ? I would NEVER do this to my SIL ( I also have a brother ). Never.

I know I’ll be told I’m unreasonable and grabby and that there’s way worse. But I guess you’re not ‘ in ‘ the family and don’t understand the dynamics of how they make themselves out to be saints and expect quite a lot of time / closeness / respect, but than they do that.

I am feeling so hurt. I find it difficult to be around people who give such little shit but expect so much.

OP posts:
Winterwonderwhy · 05/12/2025 20:40

policer · 05/12/2025 19:43

yeah they literally ask me straight up to organise the cake, so annoying ! I am the cake person. I’ll just try to get out of it next time but they’ll be super offended.

Well there’s your answer. They humiliated you and you turn around and hand them a cake! And you wonder why they treat you like shit - you allow this. You.
just say you can’t do it this year. No reason, no explanation, nothing. And they will make a deal of it, but let them. Take a stand for your yourself.

if you do the cake- you will be filled with resentment and they still won’t like you.

if you don’t sort the cake - they will like you even less, but at least you know no one used you !

Winterwonderwhy · 05/12/2025 20:42

Last point. Your dh doesn’t even bother with her and yet you run after her. All your own doing op. Wake up and learn to respect yourself. No one will respect you if you can’t do it yourself first.

Doggielovelouie · 05/12/2025 20:44

You are not grabby

this is clearly about the thought

or rather thoughtlessness

and it’s being presented to you rather starkly

I’m sorry

Doggielovelouie · 05/12/2025 20:45

policer · 05/12/2025 19:43

yeah they literally ask me straight up to organise the cake, so annoying ! I am the cake person. I’ll just try to get out of it next time but they’ll be super offended.

Can you say that after the effort made for your 40th and previous birthdays you have decided to leave it this year

and let it land

Gagaandgag · 05/12/2025 20:47

You need to emotionally detach from them all! I did. Best thing to do!

Rhaidimiddim · 05/12/2025 20:59

policer · 05/12/2025 19:57

Yeah totally.

I just find it really hard that I now have to spend Christmas with them. I never like to, but it’s even harder this year !

and it’s Xmas Eve and Xmas day. So super intense couple of days.

Show quote history

DON'T buy then anything! Tell your DH to sort it. If you've bought already, take it all back and used the refund to get yourself the sort of present they should have got you for your 40th.

Oh, and do be careful not to wash that silk lovely your DH got on a 60 cycle 😉

Whatsthatsheila · 05/12/2025 20:59

oh god - yeah I would totally match their negative energy.

the fact that they want a huge fuss but are thoughtless and inconsiderate with their gifts to the point where they overtly over-gift others in front of you tells me they are the grabby ones so I’d just tone down my effort completely

MagpieCastle · 05/12/2025 21:01

Think of it as a chance for a wake up call and rethink the role you've slipped into. You do not need to be responsible for gift buying/cake making for your DH's family.
Join the ranks of those of us who decided to drop the rope and do our own thing with zero feelings of guilt. None of this is not your job/responsibility unless you choose to make it so. Time to detach and glide through Christmas with a serene smile and let them all get on with it while DH does the gift buying. Give back the amount of emotional energy and thought that they give you.

chattyness · 05/12/2025 21:06

Match their effort or lack of, from now on .

ButtonMoonLoon · 05/12/2025 21:06

This is good.
They have given you the best gift of all- they’ve shown you who they really are.
Have you bought their Christmas presents? If so, take them back or keep them and let it be your husband’s responsibility to deal with cards, gifts and cakes from now on. Okay maybe not the cakes but I’d just send them a link to M&S!

Lamentingalways · 05/12/2025 21:07

policer · 05/12/2025 19:43

yeah they literally ask me straight up to organise the cake, so annoying ! I am the cake person. I’ll just try to get out of it next time but they’ll be super offended.

Write yourself a note in your phone about how you feel right now. When they try to guilt trip you read it back to yourself so that the anger and hurt fuels you. I do this, it works.

I don’t think you’re grabby, they are taking the piss. Leave it all to hubby and explain calmly to him why you are doing that.

Sparklesandspandexgallore · 05/12/2025 21:07

Stop buying for your dhs family, that is his job. I’m not sure what you mean about the cake but if they ask you again say no, it’s no longer convenient. Let your dh buy presents for his side of the family. Make sure your dh knows what you would like for your birthday and Christmas too, don’t let him be lazy when it comes to indulging you.

PinkyFlamingo · 05/12/2025 21:12

policer · 05/12/2025 19:43

yeah they literally ask me straight up to organise the cake, so annoying ! I am the cake person. I’ll just try to get out of it next time but they’ll be super offended.

Oh stop it, grow a backbone! You dont need to "try" to get out of it, just say no.

HatAndScarf33 · 05/12/2025 21:13

My SIL doesn't even bother to wish me happy birthday so you have my sympathy. It's not about the gift, it's about the message it sends. Just making it clear that you're not part of the family (or certainly a ‘lesser’ member), which like you say, wouldn't be so bad if the expectation wasn't different when it comes to them!

I honestly would just do less when it comes to her (and your other in-laws) and leave it to your husband. Resentment will just build if you continue this one-sided effort.

PollyBell · 05/12/2025 21:14

policer · 05/12/2025 19:43

yeah they literally ask me straight up to organise the cake, so annoying ! I am the cake person. I’ll just try to get out of it next time but they’ll be super offended.

So why not act the grown up and say a simple no and stop buying them things, why the need for so much drama

Happyjoe · 05/12/2025 21:17

Just show them as much care and attention that they do you and keep your lovely thoughtful efforts for your own family.

mullers1977 · 05/12/2025 21:18

MyThreeWords · 05/12/2025 19:43

A card and flowers is nice.

It isn't nice to think of a present SIL gave you as 'a bag full of tat'.

It is natural to care more for your brother than for your brother's wife.

Not everyone thinks that a 'round number' birthday is more important than any other birthday.

Do your inlaws really 'want a massive deal for their birthdays' or are they just going along with what they think everyone wants?

Why do you 'organise gifts and take over planning for their cakes'?

Different families have different attitudes to birthdays.

This is rubbish

Happyjoe · 05/12/2025 21:21

policer · 05/12/2025 19:43

yeah they literally ask me straight up to organise the cake, so annoying ! I am the cake person. I’ll just try to get out of it next time but they’ll be super offended.

Let them be offended. Honestly. They can go back to sorting out their own cakes, like they managed to do all by themselves before you came along! I've said this a few times here on MN, you cannot change others, only the way you react to them. So look after you, take a step back.

RollerSkateLikePeggy · 05/12/2025 21:21

Dear SIL, I realised after opening your 40th present for me that you are clearly struggling with the cost of living crisis, so I suggest we don't exchange presents at Christmas this year so you don't feel embarrassed.

blubberyboo · 05/12/2025 21:21

They say "Life begins at 40" and this is part of what they meant.

No longer will you spend hours trawling thru shops and website tonfind the perfect gift and cake so that you hubby can be lazy.

Now you dont care what they think and you will spend your time and your money on YOU.

Book trips and spa treats and buy yourself presents and treat everything for them as afterthought

OhCobblers · 05/12/2025 21:23

you are not grabby in the slightest OP. But to be honest I would have stopped doing anything the first time I noticed the huge disparity - you shouldn’t have continued particularly as they are your in laws. Your husband should always have been dealing with it.

You say they’ll be offended if you don’t organise cake etc? Well fuck that - let them be offended. After all they have offended you with their distinct lack of care.

Match their energy and do fuck all moving forward and land all card/present buying for them firmly in your husband’s lap.

Vaxtable · 05/12/2025 21:37

Just tell you dh this is the final straw, that all present buying for his family is now his responsibility and don’t give it another thought

Vaxtable · 05/12/2025 21:39

policer · 05/12/2025 19:43

yeah they literally ask me straight up to organise the cake, so annoying ! I am the cake person. I’ll just try to get out of it next time but they’ll be super offended.

There’s no trying to get out of it

when they ask just say you have handed all responsibility for his family to dh and they need to speak to him

simple

Chazbots · 05/12/2025 21:42

Yep, I think once you see it, you can't unsee the disparity in treatment.

It's taken me YEARS to see this and I used to run around making a load of effort. Only to be very much ignored on my significant events.

Let your DH take the mental load and if he doesn't...

Hayley1256 · 05/12/2025 21:44

TBH I would let her know how her gift made you feel. ' dear SIL, I'm reflecting on the 40th birthday gift you gave me and just wanted to let you know that I feel we should stop buying gifts for each other. I was surprised at how little thought had gone into my present after all the thoughtful presents I have given and cakes I have baked. I don't want there to be an issue between us but also don't want to feel forced into buying me a gift each year. Love x'