SIL gave everyone else a nicer present from her trip compared to my 40th ‘gift’

[policer]

SIL has been on a trip and happened to return around the time of my 40th.

we invited in laws over for cake on my birthday and SIL had come back from her trip a few days earlier.

she made a point of handing me a bag (full of tat, for me) and at the same time she handed me the present she got for my DH ( her brother ). She put it down and said ‘ this is for my brother, look after it, it’s made out of silk ‘..

she also got some pretty nice presents for my kids. Which of course is lovely and so is getting a nice present for her brother.

but her present for me, was literally a couple of chocolates and a plastic hair clip in a bag. I am not big on birthdays at all- but I turned 40 so I expected a bit more care to be taken and not giving me the shittest present, compared to the others.

I always make an effort every year go get her something thoughtful.

it really hit me, how she clearly does not like or care about me. Same with my in laws really. They always want a massive deal for their birthdays and we always do that and they just got me a card and flowers. Which of course is still appreciated, but it was my 40th and for their round birthdays I’ve always had to be part of organising gifts and driving miles / taking over the planning for their cakes etc.

I never put people out- but it’s my 40th. They claim to be such great family people and that’s it ? You give others nicer presents than me and only give me a card ? It just feels a bit shit and I’m finding it hard to continue to see people who expect so much, but clearly just don’t give a shit / or were making some sort of point about it ? why else would you hand me a bag of shit whilst simultaneously handing me the great expensive present you got for your brother ? I would NEVER do this to my SIL ( I also have a brother ). Never.

I know I’ll be told I’m unreasonable and grabby and that there’s way worse. But I guess you’re not ‘ in ‘ the family and don’t understand the dynamics of how they make themselves out to be saints and expect quite a lot of time / closeness / respect, but than they do that.

I am feeling so hurt. I find it difficult to be around people who give such little shit but expect so much.

They've given you the greatest gift of all... time. Time to say, fuck thus, they don't deserve my best efforts. Match their energy and spend the time on you.

@policer

So! Let them be super offended. You have been.

I have family members like this but it took me a very long time to see what was going on. Give everything / Get nothing. Nip it in the bud!

Will they be as offended as you are by their lack of effort on your 40th?

Fuck em, don't be a doormat. Happy Birthday 💐

You could giver her a christmas hair clip and a couple of Lindor chocs for Christmas? Return her energy. After all, if that’s ok for you, she can’t be offended, right?

My sil buys me shite for my birthday each year, cheap crap from b&m and it’s a variation on the same thing every single year ie the same item. I buy her a really nice present, I did consider buying her something similar, but I remembered Michelle Obama and when they go low, you go high, so shame on her. It grates though.

She gave me two small candles from b and m this year, all the same size and all lime mandarin and basil. Two the same. Bunged in a bag. What do you say, oh lovely, they will go with the two you bought be last year and never used (hate the smell) The other alternatives is cheap t shirts, I honestly don’t know how she’s not embarrassed handing it over, my husband gets nice gifts. Spending 50 or 60 quid. I get a candle and a wrong size really cheap t shirt, or some variation of that in multiples. She’s never seen me in one of the t shirts as I don’t wear them, I just give them to charity,

No excuses for them, but this could be a clue. Perhaps they feel that the present giving between them and your DH has been taken over somewhat by you? And that could cause resentment if they feel you are coming between him and them to do with how their big days are celebrated. This happened in my family. My DB was always great at finding and giving just the right gift - it was really thoughtful and personal. But when he married, his wife took over and she had a different approach. My DM and I both found it really hurtful that she had excluded my DB's lovely efforts, in favour of impersonal things, bought several at a time, with several people getting identical presents.

Can you step back, OP, and let your DB do his own thing with his family's presents? I imagine you will be only too happy to do so now! 😀

Same here OP. I stopped bothering and leave it to my DH now. He has a crap memory so thry all just get something last min from amazon.

I had the same epiphany. These days I buy myself a VERY nice present equivalent to what I've spent on everyone else during the year. Being single and them all being multiples, i spend a lot on them and after one more underwhelming year thought why do I spend so much on everyone and ignore myself. That year I started buying myself nice things.

I’d wait til everyone from IL family was gathered and present a small tray cake from Tesco and say “oh, since no one bothered for my 40th which is such a big birthday, I thought we weren’t bothering any more. I’ve been running round for literally years making a huge effort for all your birthdays. Frankly what a relief to know I no longer need to bother - I just wish you’d told me years ago that I was going above and beyond unnecessarily!”

Give it back to her for Xmas.

It's an odd thing, the SIL relationship. I don't have sisters and really wanted to be close to my SIL. I tried in lots of different ways and like you the effort or care didn't match. I simply was not as important to her as she was to me.

This is absolutely fine. It doesn't make her a bad person. It was my expectations that were out of step. It did hurt my feelings but I have made my peace with it. No passive aggressive statements, I just quietly backed away.

Vote with your feet OP. Do what is right for you and let your DH manage his family. It would be very rude to cancel Xmas this year and don't rile yourself up by returning presents (if you have already bought them). Resolve to look after yourself first in future - hand the relationship management (cakes, presents, arranging get togethers etc) back to your DH - tell him in no uncertain terms why. Then.just stop doing it all.

Next year, arrange your Xmas for you and your immediate family.

No drama, balance restored and you have a shit ton less to do in future. People pleasing is the devil's work.

When you next exchange presents, and once they’re unwrapped, make a point of asking what you bought them. They’ll look confused until you say DH organised their presents.

Continue this process going forward. They’ll soon get the subtle message they’re not worth your effort.

My late MIL used to give me years out of date regifted shit she didn't want, mainly bath/shower stuff. A lot of the time she didn't even bother taking the original tag off. One year a hand cream was so out of date that my skin had a bad reaction to it and it took weeks for it to recover.

Possibly the worst though was the year she re gifted me a pair of Primark boot slippers she didn't want. I'm a size 8, she was a size 6. It was the final straw and I totally lost my rag when my husband asked me why I wasn't going to wear them...

And a hint to any husbands out there reading this thread - don't keep accusing your menopausal wife of not liking your mother, because one day she might tell you that you are right...

You see I disagree. This level of passive aggressive behaviour is tiring and will likely fall on deaf ears. Why bother harbouring the anger and resentment? It's just giving them the power in a different way.

This . If you are sorting DHs family stuff all the time most of the credit is probably being taken by him. Just leave him in charge.

@estrogone

Yes, you could be right. But I’d do it anyway.

There is a chance it wouldn’t fall on deaf-ears and they stop asking for my help and if they did ask for my help, I’ve already laid the foundation in my own mind to say I can’t but maybe DH can help them in someway. The baton completely handed over. Then let the resentment go and simply enjoy their company having not filled any of their unappreciated demands.

I totally get it. My SIL in the past has given me a broken necklace (actually a piece of string with some loose plastic beads) for my 30th, a bag of Werthers Originals and a jar of supermarket jam. Money was not the issue, she was very wealthy.

My mother and sister used to buy me tat, yet buy everyone else thoughtful gifts.

I no longer have contact with any of them. Life is sooo much calmer now.

Sounds like one of those people in the passive aggressive thread. They do this on purpose to get a little kick

Do not lift a finger in any way in relation to their birthdays or Christmas. All on your DH now.

It isn't nice to think of a present SIL gave you as 'a bag full of tat

What would you call two chocolates and a hair clip in a bag, @MyThreeWords ?

This.

@policer you need to learn to match people’s energy. Stop expending energy on people who expend none on you. You’ll feel lighter for it.

I see your bag of tat, OP, and raise you for Christmas one year from MIL and FIL (actually MIL, FIL was just as shocked as everyone else): a Mac air book and diamond stud earrings and a pair of uggs and a cashmere blanket for SIL….a pub bar-style tea towel and a polyester shopping tote bag for me (other daughter in law got exactly the same, so they must have come in a multi-pack). I’m afraid I literally lol-ed. From the next year onward I only did/do gifts for children.

When people tell you who they are/what they think of you, believe them the first time. Other DIL and I are not family to MIL, despite bearing her only grandchildren. It is what it is.

@GreenCandleWax

How do you know your brother didn't hand over gift buying responsibility to his wife?

Why do you have to go?

Many years ago, I didn’t go to a wedding at short notice on DP’s side of the family because they were treating me like shit. I told him, ‘I’m not going. No-one treats me like that. No-one.’

I left it to him to sort his ghastly family members out. I’m not Kofi Annan.

All you have to do is say, 'No I've done enough cakes. Someone else's turn now'. Why do you care if they'll be 'super offended'? They don't care if you are offended when you have to organise your own cake or be grateful for a hair grip, a couple of chocolates and generic flowers.

What are they going to do, not make a fuss over your birthday, not buy thoughtful gifts, make you organise your own cake and generally treat you like a temporary add on to the family ..... Oh wait a minute they already do.

Take some power back, match their energy - it may make them appreciate you more or it will be more of the same. Either way you can save yourself a lot of time and wasted questioning.