SIL gave everyone else a nicer present from her trip compared to my 40th ‘gift’

[policer]

SIL has been on a trip and happened to return around the time of my 40th.

we invited in laws over for cake on my birthday and SIL had come back from her trip a few days earlier.

she made a point of handing me a bag (full of tat, for me) and at the same time she handed me the present she got for my DH ( her brother ). She put it down and said ‘ this is for my brother, look after it, it’s made out of silk ‘..

she also got some pretty nice presents for my kids. Which of course is lovely and so is getting a nice present for her brother.

but her present for me, was literally a couple of chocolates and a plastic hair clip in a bag. I am not big on birthdays at all- but I turned 40 so I expected a bit more care to be taken and not giving me the shittest present, compared to the others.

I always make an effort every year go get her something thoughtful.

it really hit me, how she clearly does not like or care about me. Same with my in laws really. They always want a massive deal for their birthdays and we always do that and they just got me a card and flowers. Which of course is still appreciated, but it was my 40th and for their round birthdays I’ve always had to be part of organising gifts and driving miles / taking over the planning for their cakes etc.

I never put people out- but it’s my 40th. They claim to be such great family people and that’s it ? You give others nicer presents than me and only give me a card ? It just feels a bit shit and I’m finding it hard to continue to see people who expect so much, but clearly just don’t give a shit / or were making some sort of point about it ? why else would you hand me a bag of shit whilst simultaneously handing me the great expensive present you got for your brother ? I would NEVER do this to my SIL ( I also have a brother ). Never.

I know I’ll be told I’m unreasonable and grabby and that there’s way worse. But I guess you’re not ‘ in ‘ the family and don’t understand the dynamics of how they make themselves out to be saints and expect quite a lot of time / closeness / respect, but than they do that.

I am feeling so hurt. I find it difficult to be around people who give such little shit but expect so much.

Hi op that is horrible of her but next year I would say to dh he buys gifts and any cakes and tell him you want your own Christmas at home going forward don’t people please these people let them get offended see how they feel.

I agree with you , it’s not really fair .
Despite what a PP said I think it’s nice to do something extra for certain birthdays eg a 1st , an 18th or maybe a 21st then from 30 40 , 50 and so on .
Some people will want to celebrate a 15th or a sweet 16th depending on what they like to do / where they live .
I was feeling a bit out of sorts on my a big birthday .
I felt that nobody really made an effort and in fact one of my SILs didn’t even send a card and some very close relatives didn’t bother at all .

New Year would be an excellent time to announce you have decided to give up making cakes

It sounds like they are all close with each other but at the end of the day to them you are your DP's + one. As others have said I'd expect a lot less from them and put less love and care into them. Be friendly and polite and attend any events where plus ones are invited but I'd distance yourself emotionally. They are clearly family-minded with each other but not with the in-laws. Don't get involved with cake baking, party organising etc just show up and be pleasant and bring a bunch of flowers or a bottle of wine and leave it at that. Sorry you've been hut by this - I understand it. I hope you have your own family and friends to cherish you OP.

So what? What is it you’re afraid of?

use your voice woman. You do not have to do any of this.

Disappointing OP but that’s people for you. Their gifts are your DH’s problem now, enjoy the time you get back from putting in unappreciated and unrewarded effort and spend the money on yourself.

On the plus side at least you got something I suppose, I have never once received a birthday gift from DH’s side of the family in the 20 years we have been together. And at Christmas we get a joint present which is really for DH, with my name also on the card.

Just practice saying - no sorry, I haven’t time - you’ll have to ask DH or someone else.

Also, stop now buying gifts or cards down them - you take care of your side of the family and your DH’s his. Just tell him once it’s now his responsibility and then that’s it. No reminders, no feeling guilty if he forgets or buys crap.

No longer your circus. You’ll feel a great sense of relief and one less thing in life to worry about and take care of.

Hand all in-law present buying straight to your DH from now on. Tell him just to get everyone flowers and a box of After Eights for every present. If you’re asked to sort the cake you just say, ‘Can you have a conversation with Geoff about the cake? You’ll know what’s best’. Just take your foot off the gas and let what will happen, happen.

To quote the OP in her opening post: "Her present for me, was literally a couple of chocolates and a plastic hair clip in a bag."

No one has ever done anything special for my 'round' birthdays and I have always arranged nice things for theirs but oh well such is life. Too short to stress about it.

Stop wasting your time, energy and money on your in-laws’ presents. Tell your DH to sort it instead.

You've never had to do anything for them. Thats a choice you made. As its not been reciprocated nows the time to step back

Chances are they don't see the gift that you get for them as being from you. They see it as being from their brother/son.

Unless you get them a present just marked from you that's often how it's perceived. You'll never get credit for the present. They see it like you just put your name on the card.

You could spend hours choosing something for SIL and the following day she will tell people the present she got from her brother.

Just don't help with present buying anymore. Tell your DH - you decide, they get me shit presents.

This . Your SiL sounds tone deaf . Match her effort

Why are YOU getting his family's presents? Knock that on the head for a start.

I know it’s rubbish and not what you would do but that’s irrelevant, you aren’t her and she isn’t you. You have agency so stop doing the running round. You are equating you being nice with meaning she has to be nice in return , that’s not how it works. So what if she doesn’t like you, do you like her?

I have a friend who was this petty. Her SIL gave her oven gloves and tea towels for Christmas one year. From IKEA, not even fancy ones. For her next birthday she got them back.

So what, so its ok to offend you but you cannot offend them. Who cares if they are 'super offended'. No one seems to care about you. Do not be available for the next cake.

This

I think the chocolates and clip do sound a bit rubbish (though I'm trying to visualise how you actually put two chocolates in a bag? Do you mean two small chocolate bars or similar? Because they normally come packaged ...)

But the flowers I think are in all honesty ok. I sometimes give flowers if I'm not sure and nice ones are in fact costly. I love getting them!

I'd match your Dsil's energy for her Christmas gift, (or have you something you can regift?) but I think maybe your MILS gift to you wasn't so bad in all honesty.