To have asked for plans to be changed slightly.

[breakdown2025]

Dh and I are married and living together. 4dc between us 2 mine and 2 his.
Due to a lot of difficulties currently going on he is seeing his children in a hotel every weekend as this is what works best for them right now.
I’m really struggling mentally. I had a breakdown earlier this year and another suicidal episode 3 weeks ago. I have fully supported dh in keeping all contact with his dc during this time.
This week however I am really struggling. I asked if there was any chance he could do one night and 2 days with his children instead of 2 nights and 3 days but he point blank refused. He said this would be letting his dc down. It’s not something I’d normally ask of him but my mental health is so bad right now I’m struggling to even get out of bed.
He does also see his dc during the week.
It feels like the whole run up to the festive period is messed up as we are never together with dc to do festive things. This weekend we are putting the decorations up and dh won’t be around to join in. It feels like I’m single to be honest.
He doesn’t understand why I’m so upset. I’d never stop him seeing his children I just asked if it could be one night less this weekend just to help me get back on my feet.
AIBU?

What an absolute mess. As suspected it's the adults that are fault not the children, this is the consequences of him being poor with boundaries and consequences. And as for wanting a "nice quiet peaceful house".. .with 4 children in a blended family?

They are young and would have been even younger then so they shouldn’t have been given the power to decide. You should be having contact as a a family all of you , in the family home . Your dh needs to put his foot down it is better for his dc to have a stable set up and boundaries. Are you sure it’s just him and the dc at the hotel ?

It's not wrong of you to want his support and company OP, but his DC are still very young and unlikely to be able to appreciate that sometimes there are conflicting demands on his time.

For him to cancel part of his contact with them in order to support you would be seen as unfair and lead to resentment on their part. I can empathise with him being reluctant to do something that could make things worse in the long run.

You haven't actually answered what I was saying.

Given that your DH is an inadequate parent to DC who are also poorly parented in their other home:
Would you actually feel happier if you and DH permanently split homes?

You can carry on the relationship, just have two homes. Then his DC don't need to be in your home. Then in a decade or so when they leave home, you and DH can move back in together.
The cost of a hotel two nights every week must be not far off the cost of him renting another home for himself and his DC.

You have said what you have is very special. If it is that special, it will survive a decade spent in separate homes, then you can enjoy a wonderful retirement together.

I still don't understand why the step kids aren't going to their dad's house when the OP's kids aren't there.

And I still don't understand why such a massively extreme step was taken, to put them in a hotel at weekends to separate them from 2 teenagers who are quite capable of telling them to bog off, and stop winding them up.

What is it you're not saying OP?

i dont think people would, if you were in hospital he couldn't stay over night anyway, and what if the mum had plans? It's not like this is a permanent arrangement and the kids can afford to be messed around one week. Only seeing them in a hotel is extreme and hopefully temporary and they are going through a challenging phase, him being consistent and showing up for them is really important, you arent the only one who needs him right now.

If I were you, I would have a lovely time putting up the Christmas decorations this weekend with my DC - put some Christmas music on, have some hot chocolate and cookies afterwards. Go out and do whatever festive thing it is that you want to do with your DC. Have a lovey festive weekend with your children and leave your DH to do whatever it is he’s doing with his DC. You are not leaving his DC out the activities if they are not available to attend (perhaps you could say to DH “on Saturday we are doing activity A and on Sunday we are doing activity B, give him the time and the place and say they are welcome to join if they wish, no worries if they don’t want to). Give yourself a reason to get out of bed and something to look forward, if that’s possible?

I don't think it was wrong of you to ask him at all. You have posted here on MN though and there is always a huge bias on step families where the kids must always come first. In reality life is more tricky than this and most parents have to have some flexibility for life events. I am sorry you are so unwell it is very difficult going through a MH crisis. Try and get some rest whilst he is away and lean into the peace and quiet and have a good think around of this marriage and its complexities maybe adding to your poor MH.

It’s not just in step families where children should come first. And this one is a bit extreme with the kids now only being seen in a hotel, it’s not hard to understand that this situation is more complex than just ‘mumsnet doesn’t like step families’.

I’d also be divorcing if I was the husband and having to see my children in a hotel each weekend and my partner was then asking me to rearrange things, talking about changing my days to put up the tree and decorate with her kids, when my own children aren’t even able to be in the home I also help fund because her teens can’t cope with being around an 8 and 9 yr old. I don’t believe that nothing else has happened. I’d be extremely suspicious of why the children suddenly can’t be in the house anymore. Have your teens actually done something to them? Why has their Dad gone to such lengths as staying at a hotel to see them? How would him changing his days with them stop you feeling suicidal on other days when he will be with his children? It doesn’t make sense. Are you envious of the time he’s away with his kids? The way you speak about their mother and parenting in their mother’s home is quite telling. How are you banning tech for your teens if there’s only an iPad in the home? Is it that your teens can have tech but his kids cannot? Sorry but this entire story stinks and doesn’t add up. I feel really sorry for his children and for him.

The difference is between children's needs and wants.

Any adult should always put any child's needs before another adult's needs.

A parent should only sometimes put a child's wants first, otherwise you end up with spoilt children.

The trick is to distinguish what a child wants from what it needs.

@Llamallamafruitpyjama you'll probably get flack for that post, but it throws up a lot interesting questions.

So someone's been stirring shit obviously. But your husband just needs to keep reiterating that it's not happening, and if they're rude to you, he needs to pull them up on it.
If he's not going to actively work on fixing the issues between his kids and you/your kids, then it doesn't really sound like this relationship is sustainable. Sorry OP.

But as said before... I feel for you OP, and you absolutely need to sort something out to get you through the weekend. If some short visits with you and your husband and his kids won't work, please find some other support. Friends/family? Or think of stuff you can do with your kids to keep you occupied and distracted?

YANBU to want your husband to be a husband. Unfortunately, the man you married is inadequate.

He is a Disney Dad at best, in fact he's an UltraDisney Dad. He doesn't parent, just plays with them. There are no consequences for his children's behaviour, indeed he has rewarded them for acting up. Going to a hotel for the weekend? And that's been going on a year now? Fuck me, that is some serious avoidance! He's kicked the problem into grass so long it looks like a rainforest.

Now that you've admitted to being the main earner and that you'd "actually be better off financially" if you divorced - make it happen, please. I don't think all your MH problems are down to dealing with your child's complex health issues, I think a good part of it will be coming from being treated as if you're toxic by your SC and the unconscious knowledge that your husband would rather behave bizarerly (weekends in a hotel? C'mon, bizarre!) than be a functional adult / husband / parent. Knowing that you are completely unsupported is a drip-drip-drip taking you down. He's been leaning on you for a year, making excuses rather than parenting his children - he's drained you dry, emotionally.

"Deep down my head doesn’t think we can get through it but my heart is clinging on as we have something so special."
No, you do not have something special. It might have seemed special when all was going well, but some people cannot deal with life when it is not going well and your husband is just such a person. When his kids' visits went well, he seemed a good husband (although you must have seen his poor parenting even then). Then when his kids started acting up, he became spectacularly dysfunctional, decamping to a hotel rather than follow through consequences and ingraining in his children that kicking off works. I'll be blunt - this is all his fault, not the vague relative who was stirring - HIS. His refusal to parent, his desire to be liked by his unboundaried children - his choice.

For the love of God and for your mental health, stop this man draining you and tell him to stay at the fucking hotel and give you peace.

OP I don't really understand why they're going to hotel in the first place. Nothing seems to have happened to make it necessary. A bit of squabbling, and some big feelings from small children? You're not telling us everything.

Tbh I think this is the most helpful reply. I think I trauma bonded to him. My eldest has seen the lies and hurt he has caused me.

He has put her first by removing his kids from her home. I can’t imagine that being a solution for DH if we broke up. That the house he lives & helps to provide for & have a family life with kids that aren’t his & his kids are excluded from it. It may be a joint decision but in truth his life is being upended every week. I would imagine being at home is a much more appealing prospect

I didn't want to read and run. I really feel for you as I have been in a position before where my mental health was so low that I had a single suicidal thought and it was enough to really worry me. I had asked for help and had family who said they would help but didn't and my (now ex) husband just carried on doing whatever the fuck he wanted. It was a completely different situation as he was not spending time with kids instead of me so I know this makes things more difficult for both of you to juggle but I just want you to know you are not alone.

You are doing the right thing with starting therapy but please be aware that therapy can bring up a lot of emotions that you are pushing down and you may initially feel worse, but things will absolutely get better with the right therapist helping you through it. You can do this! You have already tackled a lot and this is one more moment that will pass, even though I absolutely understand that it feels impossible at the time. PLease take things slow, try and give yourself time to breathe and do something for yourself, even if it is just a 15minute walk on your own. So much can change in short a space of time and you are amazing for continuing to push yourself forward through it all. If you are not on medication then see someone about it as it can help to put you in a better place to tackle therapy and if you don't gel with your therapist you can totally request a different one.

I think it is important he keeps seeing them but seeing them at hotel for 3 days a week because they want him back together with their mum sounds unreasonable to me. Surely he and their mother need to explain there were reasons why they broke up and they need to accept that? Is there more to the story that you maybe don't know? Did he do something else which means he feels guilty and needs to pander to their demands? It all sounds a bit odd at the moment.

I can totally understand wanting your husband around for at least part of the weekend which is likely your main time together as well. I don't see how he expects to resolve this as the situation is clearly untenable in the long term and leaves you feeling abandoned which is very unfair on you when you've done nothing wrong.

This is why blending families is the worse thing you could do to children. Forcing all these children to share a home and lives with random other children. So selfish and unfair on them. But hey, if the adults involved get to have a merry old time then who cares about the kids. If you and dh separate then you know your kids will never see them again, and imagine you forced them to share living space and time with them!

Also you both got together only a year of him being separated. Can you imagine from a child’s perspective that is was just 5 minutes and all of a sudden there’s a new person and children that they are forced to accept and play happy families with? Why wouldn’t kids want their mum and dad back together. I truly feel for all these kids involved in these situations

Samaritans are available 24 /7 and are very helpful in times of stress and crisis.
I talk from experience

You beat me to it.
I don't think she is ureasonable, at all.
It is one day

From all your posts about your H, and this situation you're in now because he doesn't / can't set boundaries with his kids, it might be best to discuss separating permanently if things are not getting any better?
Why do the kids think they can get their mum and dad back together? Has their dad said something?
He causes you stress, is not supporting you emotionally as you wish to be supported and you're apart half the week as it is.
Do whatever you need to put your health first. Step kids can break up marriages unfortunately and so can incompatible parenting. Your home needs to be a safe space with your family.

Not at all helpful to the OP.