Is husband right that I need psychological help? (Won’t eat outside of home)

[Melessah]

When I was 19 I had a very traumatic experience. I found half a mouse in a ready meal I had bought from a supermarket. It was in a curry. I created a post on twitter and a couple of papers actually picked up the story.

if was obviously very upsetting. I was a university student at the time living off ready meals. After that experience I refused to eat from restaurants, takeaways or supermarkets. I won’t even eat crisps. Everything I eat needs to be 100% “safe”.

Everything I eat is home cooked. I would never buy a ready meal again. I don’t even buy bread from a supermarket. I eat potatoes as my main carb. I eat a lot of eggs (from my mum’s chickens).

Husband obviously knew what he was signing up for when he married me. I do not see myself ever letting my guard down.

Anyway, we were on holiday and he really lost his cool with me. I was eating fruit and boiled eggs and he told me I need help. And that he was getting tired by my the restrictions I place on myself and therefore him.

I have spoken to a psychologist but it didn’t help. I don’t want to be like this. Who is the one that is being unreasonable

How many times does it need to be said, and quoted, that op has already had EMDR?

@Melessahi'm sure you are very aware that it's unlikely you'll experience something like that again, but you probably just now have a fear of anything that isn't fresh and it's not so much about the incident all those years ago. It must be awful for you to live like this and it's perfectly reasonable for your husband to want you to get help. I'm sure he acted out in frustration and said some things he shouldn't have but ultimately he is right - time to sort it out 🙂

If you change your mind and come back, I'd be interested to know what restrictions do you place on your husband?

I don't think it matters what anyone says on here. The thread was prompted because the husband has lost patience with it all out loud, which means he lost patience silently a while ago.

If the thread hasn't helped. A proper chat with the husband probably needs to be had.

😂😂😂

You need to see a psychologist and they will be able to help you. The one you saw did not help you for whatever reason, but plenty will be able to help you. I don’t think I could stay married to someone to behaved this way. This is a behaviour that needs to change. Good luck

My MIL eats like this, and she had no traumatic experience at all. She's pushing 80 and fitter than most 40 year olds.

"he was getting tired of the restrictions I place on myself and therefore him"

How does what you eat affect him? I understand wanting to stay away from all processed and factory foods, but will you enjoy a fresh salad in a restaurant, for example? A steak?

I think op this has clearly triggered a form of OCD and disordered eating for you. I actually had a really similar experience within the past year but haven't had the same reaction, I was horrified but able to see that it was very unfortunate and unlucky and also very unlikely to happen to me again and life has gone on as normal. Whereas in your case this is affecting your life to a massive extent, affecting your marriage, affecting whether or not you have kids (if you find yourself unable I breastfeed you would need to rely on formula which is dangerous to make yourself). You recognise that your eating is disordered but actually there's a huge amount of ritual that goes with this that makes me think ocd rather than eating disorder. So of course your dh is correct that you should be receiving support with this. I think the problem is that a part of you is also quite comfortable with the status quo and recognises that to really fight this will mean being very uncomfortable and you just don't really want to and my guess is that's why therapy isn't working - because you really need to want it to change and you need to want to make yourself uncomfortable to set yourself a new threshold.

But you don’t “have” to do that. You are choosing to do that, with the negative consequences in your marriage.
You are using this as some sort of safety blanket.
Do you eat food your husband has prepared?

What an awful experience totally understandable how this has affected your life......... but with the right help you can start to try to address this as it is impacting your husband .
Understandable on both sides .
Do it for you x

With great respect OP, because you had a terrible traumatic shock, I do agree that psychological help is needed. Think about how many meals you ate before the horrible experience you had. Think of how many people eat meals every day which are perfectly fine. The likelihood of what happened to you was vanishingly small (I hope you got a good pay out for having this experience) but the shock has made you feel that the risk of it is much much higher than it really is.

Some kind of trauma therapy would help you going forward so that you can get back to more normal eating patterns. These problems, as terrible as they are for you, are also exhausting for the people around you too, and it sounds like your husband is getting fed up of the impact they have.

CBT or EMDR would be the best options. I hope you can find a way through this.

Was going to say, obviously the eating out and so forth is problematic, but you're in one sense doing what we're meant to do, which is avoid UPFs and junk food. Is it more of an issue for you, or the people around you?

After that experience I refused to eat from restaurants, takeaways or supermarkets. I won’t even eat crisps. Everything I eat needs to be 100% “safe”.
Everything I eat is home cooked. I would never buy a ready meal again. I don’t even buy bread from a supermarket. I eat potatoes as my main carb. I eat a lot of eggs (from my mum’s chickens).

Doesn't sound like dining out is an option, or any kind of normal eating. It must affect him hugely.

I'd love to know what OP ate at their wedding meal.

I think you'd be wise to seek help for this problem. But for your own health reasons, you must be suffering from deficiencies.

However it's not your husband's place to be angry with you over this. That will not help you in any way.

Not quite as bad, but I had a long hair in a tuna sandwich and couldn't eat one for years. I tend to pick my way through food too, but I couldn't imagine a life as restricted as yours. I can only guess you would feel better if you were to get some intense therapy from a specialist.

You know you're unreasonable. And that therapy would help. But somehow, you seem to be proud of your condition.

I think you'd be wise to seek help for this problem. But for your own health reasons, you must be suffering from deficiencies.

OP has stated that she's very fit and a runner. My father's huge family (his parents and their siblings) lived on a remote farm and only ate what they produced, with a few basics from the grocery store. It's how many people used to eat, it was normal!

So, you eat fruit, veg, potatoes, eggs - home prepared food, as people always used to! I don't think for a moment my grandmother would have touched a ready meal or a bar of chocolate, or a shop-bought pie. The modern way of eating is killing more people than smoking used to, and you're probably avoiding the worst of it with some sensible food choices.

On the other hand, restrictive eating disorders are hard and can get worse without help. I also have contamination ocd after a traumatic experience with food. Feel free to DM if you would like to.

I'd say it would be beneficial to YOU to get some therapy to try to overcome this in some way, you don't need to do anything for your DH. In a way I see why you do it, for example I bought a jar of those stuffed peppers in Aldi as a student and one had a massive grub stuffed inside instead of the expected mozzarella. I spotted it in time but I can't eat those peppers ever again.

So Id get if you couldn't handle a ready made curry again but for food made in professional kitchens ie restaurant food, not those in ready meals on a factory level of cooking where things can slip through the net, having such a serious aversion to that (if its making you unhappy and life tricky) might warrant some therapy. Have you found its gotten worse with time or stayed the same?

You are going to extreme (and unnecessary) lengths and are obsessive about food. This restricts your life and your DH's life. This isn't normal. You need help.

Certain foods are completely overwhelming to you and are completely out of bounds.
I get it, it's been a long time and the thought is terrifying.
You don't need to think about eating in restaurants/take aways ect at all, just very slowly trying one little thing that's new but familiar.
If crisps are ok try another type of potato in a packet that is clear/see through and limited simple fresh ingredients.
Then see how you go, no pressure no timeline, no expectations.
Honestly it's the only way I try new foods, I'm very fussy and I would never eat a brand new dish off the bat at a restaurant or similar, it takes time and often mixing with a food I know I like so I can attempt to try it.
I'm not an expect by any means but all this try it you'll like it reminds me of the times it's been said to me and it makes me not want to try it even less!
Best of luck x

Last year I actually bit a cockroach in half that was in my wrap on holiday, so while I sympathize you do need help.

You’re not being unreasonable that you’ve had a traumatic experience that has resulted in a severe phobia around eating. This can be overcome. Hypnotherapy or NLP can be an option to try…

The question I have is, do you really want to change? If not, I would be cautious to the fact that your dh may not want to stay with you if you're unable to share some of the nice, small things in life. In addition, if you want children, the possibility of them learning the same fear from you is highly possible.

You can and will be able to overcome this, but you have to consistently put the work in, probably for the rest of your life.

People have come through much, much worse things in life than you and they've come out the other side. But it takes hard work and dedication which I'm not sure you have. I'm not sure you want to change.

But they’re also all normal things he didn’t do with his girlfriend. Why marry her? Having married her, why then complain? That’s unreasonable, surely.