Is husband right that I need psychological help? (Won’t eat outside of home)

[Melessah]

When I was 19 I had a very traumatic experience. I found half a mouse in a ready meal I had bought from a supermarket. It was in a curry. I created a post on twitter and a couple of papers actually picked up the story.

if was obviously very upsetting. I was a university student at the time living off ready meals. After that experience I refused to eat from restaurants, takeaways or supermarkets. I won’t even eat crisps. Everything I eat needs to be 100% “safe”.

Everything I eat is home cooked. I would never buy a ready meal again. I don’t even buy bread from a supermarket. I eat potatoes as my main carb. I eat a lot of eggs (from my mum’s chickens).

Husband obviously knew what he was signing up for when he married me. I do not see myself ever letting my guard down.

Anyway, we were on holiday and he really lost his cool with me. I was eating fruit and boiled eggs and he told me I need help. And that he was getting tired by my the restrictions I place on myself and therefore him.

I have spoken to a psychologist but it didn’t help. I don’t want to be like this. Who is the one that is being unreasonable

It is possible to have an eating disorder and for it not to impact your children.
I have ARFID and my DS is brilliant with food. It can take a lot of effort but it’s definitely possible.

Possibly because you're coming across pretty aggressively when people are making suggestions. Not really sure what you wanted from the thread?

I saw my mum start to choke on a boiled sweet. Everyone froze and she had to pull it out of her throat herself. Since then I have times when I feel food is getting stuck and I start to panic. I always have to have a glass of water next to me when I’m eating so I can get my throat working again. It’s very much psychological and very frustrating as I love all things food!

Most people consider eating together to be a social and bonding experience. It is pleasurable to eat out in a restaurant with your partner, family or friends.

I think everyone replying as you have either is someone not especially interesting in food or is themselves a disordered eater.

I would not want to be married to someone I could never go for a meal with. To me it is a very enjoyable activity, a big part of any holiday, a real treat. I don't want to do it alone or only ever with friends.

I don't know if it's already been mentioned but I would really recommend you look into EMDR.
It helps your subconscious to address the trauma, and basically rewire your thinking. Personally it helped me be able to get back on airplanes after a serious phobia, by re associating flying with positive emotions, rather than fear. It's one of those things I didn't think could possibly work, but I'd tried everything else and it's the only thing that helped me. I think counselling can be limited because no amount of talking can make what happened to you 'fine'. You have to now break the link between food and phobia

I think if I were in your shoes, I'd want to work out why the progress that I had made over 18 months stopped and regressed. Do you get bored? Do you feel like you've got what you're going to get from the therapy and stop doing it?

It sounds like you have tried some therapies that have helped a little. I think I'd suggest going back to those (perhaps with a new therapist if you like) rather than always trying a new one.

I don't want you to take this next thing I'm saying as dismissive - I'm not trying to be. But also sometimes, the difference between success and failure is in having the grit and determination to keep going. keep going when it gets hard, when you regress, when it gets boring, when you think it's not working, etc etc. Pushing on through anyway is hard, but is sometimes the thing that is going to help more than anything else.

Wishing you all the very best of success and I hope you get to have a healthier relationship with food in 2026 xxx

Oh, I didn't realise! Mine (different ED) was resolved before I had my son, but I couldn't imagine raising a child when I was still affected by it. You've obviously done an amazing job, I can imagine it's not easy.

Well one problem is that OP would like to have children and would apply her rules to her children’s food and then she would be hurting someone else. I say this as someone who had a mother who could not eat food anyone else had prepared, cannot eat in front of people, and obviously as a result cannot eat out. I am one of four girls and we have all had issues with food, of varying degrees of seriousness.

Because he wants to be able to enjoy meals out with his wife, attend weddings and family parties without having to even think about her food, go to festive markets and enjoy the food, go to dinner parties or meals out, grab a coffee and a slice of cake after a walk together, after a long day pop to the supermarket and pick up a pizza or even order a takeaway together. All normal things that he can’t do with his wife. Doing it alone is not the same and over time that builds resentment. He can never go to any event or out for a meal at friends houses with his partner because he will always be thinking what about his wife and her food issues,

Also presumably he wants children like OP and it is very obvious that it would be incredibly unfair to have a child who will then be so restricted.

Going out to eat alone really isn't the same though is it? Especially when you're on holiday. I don't think you should underestimate how frustrating it can feel to live with someone with very restricted eating. My mum is similar, I think she has orthorexia - OCD type behaviour is pretty common in our family - and I often find her very frustrating. We'll can't go out for a family meal as she won't eat anything.

Many people with OCD of one type or another don't want to change. They feel very comfortable with their behaviour, they feel it is keeping them safe. It becomes part of their identity and they can't imagine not being like it. There is also often a fear of treatment.

I think it's probably very hard to change something that you're not really convinced you want or need to.

@Ketzele You sound like someone saying that they wish they could have a bit of anorexia. An eating disorder is NEVER healthy.

Anorexia is not healthy.

If someone is disgusted by processed food, why should that be regarded as abnormal?

OP unfortunately a very distressing upsetting event has happened but you have caused this to be traumatic due to your extreme response. Vigorously scrubbing food and washing it in vinegar isn’t normal.

You need psychological help. At the very best you have a very strong irrational fear which is ruling your life. At worst you have an undiagnosed eating disorder which is serious. .

Thank yiu.

I hate that I have ARFID so I was determined that DS would not be impacted. I guess the positive of ARFID is that often people who have it are happy to cook a range of food as long as they don’t have to eat it!
According to my DH I make the best lasagna he’s ever tasted. I wouldn’t know though as I would never even try it 😂😂

Nope because I don't eat meat. Which is why I find this idea of lifelong trauma over one dead animal Vs another quite OTT.

But ‘he’ doesn’t have to eat alone?!🧐
What are partners for, we just work around each other, surely, giving each other support, what’s wrong with that? He most likely gets support from her about other stuff, but, I guess he takes that for granted like most self-centred males?…. 😳

Well OP has already said any baby food would have to be freshly prepared,.generally that wouldn't be much of a problem but given her unwillingness to have anything out of a tin if for any reason she couldn't breastfeed then she may well struggle massively with formula

So your DH might never become a dad because of this? He must love you very much to live such a restrictive life, never being able to go out for dinner or even to have a snack in the street, although it sounds like his patience is finite.

Have you tried hypnotherapy? It's known to work on some habits and I would say your disordered eating has definitely become habitual.

You're getting a hard time because you don't seem to care about the impact your disorder has on your partner - and you're even planning on having children!

I agree you're having a hard time. I think alot of Mumsnet has a terrible relationship with food, I was cats bum facing at the daughter wanting to lose weight thread before. Imagine teaching a teenager to calorie count.

I agree your eating seem restrictive but it sounds like you're eating really good food. It's only recently we've all been dining out etc. Can you eat oil/butter/milk type foods?

Yes, you do need some form of psychological help. It may be a form of OCD or an eating disorder or even both, I don't know, I'm not a medical expert. However, whatever it is, you can't carry on like this for the rest of your life and neither can your husband. It's something in my opinion that needs addressing before you have children. Babies literally shove anything and everything in their mouths. It's how they explore and learn about the world. It all depends on how much you want to change? To seek help means you have to be honest and fully engage with medical professionals. If you don't then all the therapy under the sun won't help. You may also need therapy for a long time, and even ad hoc sessions in the future, once you're making good consistent progress.

Easy for people to say YABU, what happened was traumatic and for you to get past it is going to take courage.

However it will be worth it to free yourself of this block not because your DH says so but because it will transform your life.

People are voting she's BU because her question was about whether her husband is right she needs psychological help, when she thinks he knows what he signed up for when he married her.

A good hypnotherapist could resolve this in a few sessions. Get a few free consultations, check they have experience with selective eating, trauma etc. Eye movement therapies like EMDR or IEMT would also help. Ive seen people resolve very restricted eating and become able to eat in restuarants

OP is disgusted by pretty much every food. Even potatoes get scrubbed with vinegar before she'll eat them. This is NOT normal.

Agreed. But being disgusted by processed food and ready meals is probably not an issue.