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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Most toxic site ever!!!!

124 replies

emilyinlondonx · 03/12/2025 16:07

I swear this site has reached peak toxicity. Even if someone posts about having a genuinely amazing spouse or a happy marriage, there’s a wave of people ready to tear it apart. It’s insane.
Even if your partner supports you, protects you, or has your back, that’s somehow “wrong” and people will immediately find a way to twist it into something negative. It’s projection 101... if they’re miserable in their own marriages, they have to make everyone else miserable too. And that seems like a very common theme on this app.
I wrote a post about how my husband cut off his mum and one of his siblings because of their treatment of me. But apparently, because he still has contact with a different sister - whose only issue is that she kept pressuring him to contact their mum (and stopped when he threatened to cut them off) but has now resorted to indirect posts- I somehow have a “toxic husband” and people feel the need to wish me luck in my “miserable life.”
It doesn’t matter what the issue is - finances, family drama, literally anything - people will find a way to blame the spouse, because deep down, they’re depressed and bitter about their own lives and need to drag everyone else down with them.
I didn’t think it was possible, but this site is even more toxic than Reddit. Every day it’s just sadness, negativity, and people trying to make you feel bad for having a life that actually works. I am not just talking about myself, I see bullying of others on here every day. No wonder the next generation is f**ked. Honestly, it’s exhausting, demoralising, and depressing just to read some of these comments.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 03/12/2025 16:08

YANBU

NessShaness · 03/12/2025 16:08

YANBU

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 03/12/2025 16:12

I don’t think it’s worse here than other places. I think we have to get good at tuning out people who aren’t making constructive contributions. I’ve seen quite a lot of threads where the OP gets distracted by some quite spiteful posts and engages with them, and that then dominates the whole thread leaving it a toxic mess. I hope we all get better at tuning out the nit pickers, because they never offer anything helpful.

It is particularly bad at the moment. I haven’t worked out of there are some not in good faith, bot/troll posters running rampant, or whether society as a whole is so tense and anxious and threatened, that it’s influencing everyone to be nastier.

Bookpage · 03/12/2025 16:13

I think there's a lot of projection goes on.

As well as the people who want everything to be black for the OP, there are those who despite obvious evidence to the contrary, want to insist that some really odd behaviour is perfectly normal and OK.

Original poster
emilyinlondonx · 03/12/2025 16:13

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 03/12/2025 16:12

I don’t think it’s worse here than other places. I think we have to get good at tuning out people who aren’t making constructive contributions. I’ve seen quite a lot of threads where the OP gets distracted by some quite spiteful posts and engages with them, and that then dominates the whole thread leaving it a toxic mess. I hope we all get better at tuning out the nit pickers, because they never offer anything helpful.

It is particularly bad at the moment. I haven’t worked out of there are some not in good faith, bot/troll posters running rampant, or whether society as a whole is so tense and anxious and threatened, that it’s influencing everyone to be nastier.

I'm actively on Reddit and sometime sI'll post something both on here and on Reddit and the difference in replies I get is astonishing! But I agree that it is particularly bad atm...

OP posts:
Original poster
emilyinlondonx · 03/12/2025 16:14

Bookpage · 03/12/2025 16:13

I think there's a lot of projection goes on.

As well as the people who want everything to be black for the OP, there are those who despite obvious evidence to the contrary, want to insist that some really odd behaviour is perfectly normal and OK.

So much projection!

OP posts:
Overthemhills · 03/12/2025 16:16

It’s becoming a very very unpleasant place to be. For any kind of thread…

OrdinaryGirl · 03/12/2025 16:17

I’ve only participated in lovely threads lately. 🤷🏼‍♀️ Mumsnetters have really helped me buy trainers and then a coat for DS1. And there have been some amazingly supportive folk around shoring up posters who are having a rough time.

If you are a fan of Mumsnet (and I am), I wonder if it might be time to do a ‘Be the change you wish to see in the world’ and take some action. You could post five encouraging comments a day on whatever threads take your fancy.

It’s not a perfect place, but it’s OURS and it has brilliant mods who are sensible and kind They are taking steps to clamp down harder on mean behaviour.

Anyway, wishing you all the best, OP. I hope you find some of the gorgeous, funny, sweet corners of Mumsnet really soon. 💐

AeriatedAnna · 03/12/2025 16:18

It’s just entertainment for most people. Don’t spout your private life on here, or take anything too seriously.

Original poster
emilyinlondonx · 03/12/2025 16:19

OrdinaryGirl · 03/12/2025 16:17

I’ve only participated in lovely threads lately. 🤷🏼‍♀️ Mumsnetters have really helped me buy trainers and then a coat for DS1. And there have been some amazingly supportive folk around shoring up posters who are having a rough time.

If you are a fan of Mumsnet (and I am), I wonder if it might be time to do a ‘Be the change you wish to see in the world’ and take some action. You could post five encouraging comments a day on whatever threads take your fancy.

It’s not a perfect place, but it’s OURS and it has brilliant mods who are sensible and kind They are taking steps to clamp down harder on mean behaviour.

Anyway, wishing you all the best, OP. I hope you find some of the gorgeous, funny, sweet corners of Mumsnet really soon. 💐

I love your suggestion & I will definitely be doing that, and you seem like a lovely person!

OP posts:
MaggiesShadow · 03/12/2025 16:20

I haven't found that to be the case at all, fortunately. I'm sorry that's your experience but I do think YABU to decide that the entire site is toxic and worse than Reddit based on your thread not going the way you wanted it to.

Reddit is an absolute cesspit of dangerous incels, racism, homophobia, misogyny...I could literally go on and on. There have been videos and threads of animal abuse, child abuse, SA, even cannibalism on that site and moderators are very slow to delete things or they're just unhinged. Not all of them, obviously. But a far cry from the relative normalcy of MN.

SparkleSpriteDust · 03/12/2025 16:20

I sometimes feel that I must live in a parallel universe on here because my opinion is so often the polar opposite of what the majority of posters write!

I don't know whether it is an age-thing (I am in my 50's).

The themes I have found this to be the case are:

New relationship? Red flags (seen when I don't see them).

Unruly teen (especially boy): Kick him out on his 18th birthday.

Someone is at the door: well, open it. How can a bunch of strangers on the internet tell you who's at your door?

I mean, I'm sure there are more themes but that's off the top of my head.

Wynter25 · 03/12/2025 16:20

YANBU X

MyThreeWords · 03/12/2025 16:21

I agree that there is an awful lot of stuff like that, OP. It is getting worse, and it is very depressing. But there is a lot of good stuff, too. And paradoxically, threads like this, that focus on the bad stuff, and set some of it out, are part of the negativity that they criticise.

I'm trying (not always succeeding) to focus on the more constructive or just plain fun bits of MN.

Growlybear83 · 03/12/2025 16:21

I agree OP. I’ve never come across a forum quite like Mumsnet in the 25+ years I’ve been using the internet. There are a few nice friendly areas, but in general, I find the level of batshitness of a significant proportion of posters is so funny that it becomes very addictive.

Gagamama2 · 03/12/2025 16:22

YANBU

Unless it’s a really cut and dry subject, like advice on what toy to buy or what clothes to wear, many replies I get / read on other people’s posts range from at best narky, at worst cruel and bullying.

Anytime when emotional support / advice is asked for and where a degree of non black and white thinking is needed, and people start twisting words and shouting insults.

Its deranged.

HansHolbein · 03/12/2025 16:23

I agree and @MNHQ are aware of it.

I would never ask for advice on here. Not a chance.

SparkleSpriteDust · 03/12/2025 16:25

HansHolbein · 03/12/2025 16:23

I agree and @MNHQ are aware of it.

I would never ask for advice on here. Not a chance.

I agree with this entirely.

Growlybear83 · 03/12/2025 16:26

MaggiesShadow · 03/12/2025 16:20

I haven't found that to be the case at all, fortunately. I'm sorry that's your experience but I do think YABU to decide that the entire site is toxic and worse than Reddit based on your thread not going the way you wanted it to.

Reddit is an absolute cesspit of dangerous incels, racism, homophobia, misogyny...I could literally go on and on. There have been videos and threads of animal abuse, child abuse, SA, even cannibalism on that site and moderators are very slow to delete things or they're just unhinged. Not all of them, obviously. But a far cry from the relative normalcy of MN.

I have to say that the words ‘relative normalcy’ and ‘Mumsnet’ aren’t really words I would ever expect to see in the same sentence 🤣🤣🤣

noidea69 · 03/12/2025 16:27

Definitely a lot of projection.

I do however always enjoy (chuckle at) that every single mundane situation in life that every gets posted on here, there will as be a suggestion from someone in the thread that the husband is cheating. Literally every thread.

Monty34 · 03/12/2025 16:27

I think you get a lot of band wagon posts.
Yes, I think the site could do with a bit more positivity. The AIBU in itself suggests that there will be a conflict issue going on. It invites a problem.
It would be good to have a counter balance somewhere. Lest it gives the impression that all couples are miserable, all marriages unhappy. And all men terrible. Which they aren't. And nor are all women marvellous either !

RedFlagsAllOver · 03/12/2025 16:27

Always has been.
I posted just having a moan about life and how fed up I am. I said my kids aren't pulling their weight and was told well it's my fault and what a shit mother I must be. And I was upset about someone letting me down when I had made arrangements to see them weeks before and got let down 2 days before. I said they are a waste of space and someone said wow a waste of space and that's who u wanted to go away with? I wasn't "going away" with them I was travelling 2 hours to see them. But yes aibu has aways been toxic

Nmeag · 03/12/2025 16:27

I have to agree, a lot of the time the over riding response to ANY relationship query or predicament is "get your ducks in a row and divorce him". It is so depressing. And the OP will, in any given thread, be demonised in a way I cannot have predicted 🙈 I have found I don't be on mumsnet as much recently for this reason but among the nonsense, nasty and negative responses there are still those who take the time to write insightful, compassionate and positive posts.

5128gap · 03/12/2025 16:30

You had a lot more supportive replies on that thread than not OP. There were a couple of awkward characters, but its not fair to judge the whole site on a minority. Especially unfair on the posters on your thread that took the time to answer you with empathy and good advice. A shame to allow the negative to blind you to the good.

RedFlagsAllOver · 03/12/2025 16:30

I was going to post about Facebook Christmas beggers and people who want strangers to fund their kids Christmas but I decided against it, people would probably say I was unreasonable and they would happily send money to strangers using annon posts on Facebook and how horrible i must be etc etc