Most toxic site ever!!!!

[emilyinlondonx]

I swear this site has reached peak toxicity. Even if someone posts about having a genuinely amazing spouse or a happy marriage, there’s a wave of people ready to tear it apart. It’s insane.
Even if your partner supports you, protects you, or has your back, that’s somehow “wrong” and people will immediately find a way to twist it into something negative. It’s projection 101... if they’re miserable in their own marriages, they have to make everyone else miserable too. And that seems like a very common theme on this app.
I wrote a post about how my husband cut off his mum and one of his siblings because of their treatment of me. But apparently, because he still has contact with a different sister - whose only issue is that she kept pressuring him to contact their mum (and stopped when he threatened to cut them off) but has now resorted to indirect posts- I somehow have a “toxic husband” and people feel the need to wish me luck in my “miserable life.”
It doesn’t matter what the issue is - finances, family drama, literally anything - people will find a way to blame the spouse, because deep down, they’re depressed and bitter about their own lives and need to drag everyone else down with them.
I didn’t think it was possible, but this site is even more toxic than Reddit. Every day it’s just sadness, negativity, and people trying to make you feel bad for having a life that actually works. I am not just talking about myself, I see bullying of others on here every day. No wonder the next generation is f**ked. Honestly, it’s exhausting, demoralising, and depressing just to read some of these comments.

In my experience I asked for advice about a crush. Big mistake! Not only did I get flamed, I was reported for trolling and — despite a history of a year of banal comments - mumsnet decided I was trolling and blocked me. I was in the middle of defending myself, feeling quite distressed at how I was made out to be a lunatic monster, and next thing I know my account is gone and the post is still there.

Mumsnet reinstated my account but asked me not to participate in the thread anymore. I showed my friends the thread and they all found the responses totally absurd. The readers were constantly deliberately misunderstanding me and twisting my words.

While the commentors were being bullies how mumsnet handled it definitely taught me a big lesson about posting for help here.

Women Good.

Men Bad!

Obviously not, and if you think that's how it is here you've never seen a thread mentioning OW or SAHMs. Still, given how much women are blamed for, well, everything pretty much everywhere else, it's hard to get too angry at the existence of a place that provides something of an alternative. The site is mostly women so no intelligent person should be surprised that their views and experiences are centred. It's only because it's mostly women that people get angry about it not comprising perfect morality and justice in all things.

If you want real toxicity, OP, start a thread asking if you should get a soup maker.

Or how to cut pizza. I remember some woman going totally apeshit because someone said they preferred a roller cutter to scissors. People asked if she was ok and she said she was just laughing at everyone, they amused her, she was now going to go and drink wine. I'm pretty sure she had already started.

@CoffeeCantata Some people are just spoiling for a fight from the minute they get out of bed.

Could not agree more. Some folk could start an argument in an empty room. I also agree with those who have said there is a lot of projection happening. On the whole though, I think it is just a reflection of society.

There are a lot of angry people who want to share/offload their anger, and it is easy to be an anonymous keyboard warrior - all ‘brave’ and shouty (and sometimes vile) from a distance. Equally, there are a lot of people who just enjoy a good natter and to exchange ideas.

A diabetes forum.

all I kept hearing was we are are wonderful, when actually someone of 12 weeks can have quite a difference to someone 2 weeks on. I know of someone who took 12 weeks sick dealing with severe cellulitis whereas I was back in weeks and went on to indure a professional who wouldn’t’ dream of saying this. Have had to fought the so called lymphoedema specialists every step of the way and will continue.

What troubles me the most is highly irrational OPs that are worried and anxious about absolutely ridiculous things and get validated by others, instead of being told they are simply anxious and need to work on that. They scaremonger each other and it becomes circular. It's especially troubling when they have children and they are acting in a way that is projecting their paranoia onto their children. I guess the next generation of NC adult kids are being prepped for MN in 2040.

MN has always been...blunt. Yes, I will stick with blunt 🙈

AIBU particularly. Although I do think the pile on and the clique that would swoop in on threads is nowhere near as bad. Some posters were revered like VIPs and the fawning of them and their comments, even when unhelpful, banal or sometimes downright cruel-baffled me. It was weird.

If I remember rightly, the clique swooped off to form their own forum.

I like the spirited discussion, and some posters are genuinely very funny. I do wish for posts that are showing genuine distress and are vulnerable were flagged for more intense moderation though.

I think MN is generally good for parenting advice with small children. I arrived 20+ years ago when at then end of my tether with toilet training. I got good advice and support and (I think) have been able to support others since.

Anything involving adult children or relationships, there seem to be an awful lot of unhappy people who want everyone else to be miserable too.

And widows, especially when contemplating new relationships, I've noticed seem to get a very hard time. Even if she is not quite rational (understandable?) surely any woman in that situation deserves kindness.

Can I mention supermarkets - the amount of bun fights you see around supermarkets you use is untrue - surely it’s a matter of your budgets, convenience, preferences etc - I do remember being called a snob because I said I didn’t shop in Aldi or Lidl - that’s because we don’t have an Aldi here at all and the Lidl is bang in the middle of a student area and not a very great or tidy example of one - I did used to get bits in Lidl when we lived in Copenhagen because we had one on the doorstep and it was ok(ish) there are only 2 of us at home now, I like cooking and my budget is ok , so hence I am fine shopping at M&S, Waitrose with some Sainsbury’s chucked in the mix and a bit of farmers market -

I don't disagree with you but, to be fair, there is a lot of projection in your own opening post.

How?

Rather than simply describing the posters behaviour, you have ascribed motives to it. That they are bitter, in miserable marriages and don't want to see other people's lives work. While this may not be strictly 'projection' in that you may not yourself be bitter etc, you are going beyond simply commenting on their words, and drawing conclusions about them as people. Which is in essence what you've accused them of doing to you.

I don't think you know what projection means haha.

Yes, I think it goes both ways. Some people in miserable marriage’s may want others to be unhappy but just as many will want to normalise the misery and take umbrage at criticism of situations similar to their own.

They’re miserable in their own marriages, they have to make everyone else miserable too.

deep down, they’re depressed and bitter about their own lives and need to drag everyone else down with them.

You've made negative assumptions about people's reasons for posting. They might not be depressed and bitter. Perhaps they are just arseholes who enjoy shit-stirring and upsetting people. Who knows.

Of course I do. Which is why I said that what you do in your post may not strictly BE projection, because you may not yourself be bitter and the other things you accuse people of. I don't know you, so I can't say.

Maybe. But my prediction is that if someone posts about having an amazing husband and someone comes and finds any way to call the husband 'toxic', usually that is projection.

Except, no one did call your husband toxic. They called your in laws toxic, and one person did say you'd married someone from a toxic family and should have chosen more wisely (which was rude, and unhelpful but not an attack in your husband).
Most people on the thread were giving you sensible advice. So I'm not sure who on there you thought was 'projecting' due to their miserable, bitter lives?

I literally said I am talking in GENERAL, not about my thread. I was simply giving an example.

And I'm simply pointing out that your thread is not an example. Because it didn't happen. You say in your OP people said you had a 'toxic husband'. They didnt.

OP you're not doing yourself any favours here.

Apparently in your previous thread you told somebdy to 'shut up'.

You quoted a post here and rudely just said What?. If you'd bothered to read the post you would have understood what it was about and realised that it had nothing to do with you.

Your snippy response to a PP is 'I don't think you know what projection means haha.'

In your OP you said 'I somehow have a “toxic husband” and people feel the need to wish me luck in my “miserable life.”'. People are pointing out that nobody said that. You're getting ratty with people picking up on that and keep repeating that this isn't just about your previous thread. But you were the one who exaggerated.

If you think MN isn't a nice place to be it strikes me that you could well be part of the problem, not part of the solution.

OP like I mentioned earlier you just end up getting a lot of posters defending the behaviour. It's quite a nasty forum actually and a lot of bitterness and a lot of posters dissecting and looking for any loopholes in someone's post or response to then go 'ahhh see I got you on that point ' 'don't post on here if you don't want the truth' that kind of rubbish.
You don't see the same level of vitriol around a more male environment I'm sorry to say 🤐