Most toxic site ever!!!!

[emilyinlondonx]

I swear this site has reached peak toxicity. Even if someone posts about having a genuinely amazing spouse or a happy marriage, there’s a wave of people ready to tear it apart. It’s insane.
Even if your partner supports you, protects you, or has your back, that’s somehow “wrong” and people will immediately find a way to twist it into something negative. It’s projection 101... if they’re miserable in their own marriages, they have to make everyone else miserable too. And that seems like a very common theme on this app.
I wrote a post about how my husband cut off his mum and one of his siblings because of their treatment of me. But apparently, because he still has contact with a different sister - whose only issue is that she kept pressuring him to contact their mum (and stopped when he threatened to cut them off) but has now resorted to indirect posts- I somehow have a “toxic husband” and people feel the need to wish me luck in my “miserable life.”
It doesn’t matter what the issue is - finances, family drama, literally anything - people will find a way to blame the spouse, because deep down, they’re depressed and bitter about their own lives and need to drag everyone else down with them.
I didn’t think it was possible, but this site is even more toxic than Reddit. Every day it’s just sadness, negativity, and people trying to make you feel bad for having a life that actually works. I am not just talking about myself, I see bullying of others on here every day. No wonder the next generation is f**ked. Honestly, it’s exhausting, demoralising, and depressing just to read some of these comments.

I agree. People take sites like these far too seriously.

This thread is not about that thread though.

But you cannot compare Reddit to Mumsnet. Mumsnet is much, much smaller than Reddit. And so you are exposed to the "totality" of MN, whereas you probably hang out in three or four very small parts of Reddit that suit you.

I assume you only go to the subReddits you are interested in? And keep away from the more toxic ones. But believe me, they are there.

Except...you specifically referenced your 'toxic inlaws' thread in your OP. So it's not a reach to expect others to refer to it.

A look at that thread shows that overall, the replies were thoughtful, or at least considered. There was one poster which suggested that you have married into a toxic family. You told that poster to 'shut up'.

A quick peruse of your previous threads suggests that you have had some quite supportive replies, and indeed, as you say, you have been appreciative of them.

Of course it takes all folks, so there will be a range of responses to any OP, but in general, most people on here take a dim view of bots/made-up/disingenuous posters, of which there are very, very many. (I'm not saying you are btw, just explaining a possible context for the unhelpful or dismissive replies you might see on particular threads).

So, I expect a lot of the 'toxic' threads you read are frustrated posters trying to call out what they see as bullshit (but we aren't allowed to 'troll hunt').

I've been reading here about 3 years and definitely feel it's become quote toxic. People are so ready to spit venom, project anger when it's only tangentially relevant, never give people the benefit of the doubt.

However, I have also seen many threads where women have, through support from here, realised that they are in abusive relationships. They're then given a lot of support and advice about leaving safely. Of course there are women's shelters and charities who can give this advice, but I've seen a lot of women who wouldn't be contacting them because they didn't even realise they were experiencing abuse until they posted here. And i don't know how they would've ever realised it, were it not for MN. So for this reason I really hope it can get past the toxicity and keep going.

Me too, but on Reddit I have had horrendous messages and experiences that just don't happen here, no matter how intense and unkind some threads can get. I think my personal Reddit low moment was getting a dm wishing me breast cancer so I have to have a mastectomy in the hope my 'terf bitch friends' will think I am less of a woman. That and the realisation that subs like "women are things" are Ok on Reddit but subs like "gender critical" are banned as hate groups!

I agree massively especially on the LTB theme. Someone’s husband may hve done something mildly irritating and they want advice on how to deal with it, and everyone tells them to get a divorce, their husband is an awful person who clearly despises them and they are the most horrendous disrespectful man on earth.
I was on a thread a few days back and said I get irked when my boyfriend leaves his trainers on the floor in the living room, and I was told I should leave him, he doesn’t respect me, he isn’t a good partner. Christ alive. He’s a fantastic man. Just makes me not want to bother saying anything anymore.

There are some lovely threads and some horrible ones.

My favourites are the funny ones. Eg. The fat ball, screaming in the chapel and the Mexican holiday thief.

Examples please.

Yanbu - I have been on here for 22 years and it’s reached peak toxic levels. For the first time ever I am thinking of leaving which is a shame because I’ve loved it on here over the years.

The post I quoted says there will be a suggestion that the husband is cheating on literally every thread. I fulfilled the expectation, slightly humorously I thought.

If you're this quick to jump on replies without re-reading, perhaps it goes some way to explain your experience.

I didn't see your thread but I agree it can be really toxic. However sometimes people are venting or looking for support in their difficult domestic sphere and people rocking up with tales about their personal sparkling marriages is just tone deaf.

YANBU!

You are 100% correct.

ive found that it’s definitely attracted a lot of people who I am not 100% sure about their genuineness or agenda- it’s particularly common on anything political or about benefits etc - some are quite clever and posts are designed I think to influence/antagonise. My new year resolution is to avoid those posts -.I find they put me in a very bad mood . One big issue generally is the completely diverse demographics of posters so a completely innocent post ends up in a bunfight - be it people doing very very well or the opposite end of the spectrum and it would be impossible not to factor ion there are a lot of people having a tough time of it - be it jobs, families, money, housing, health, elderly parents, and I do think your own issues can bring out the bitch in you at times when it’s incognito

I mean, he must be! I posted here!!

But it is the example you specifically reference in your OP. I read it because I assumed it was a prime example of the toxicity you’re referring to, but it’s largely supportive of you.

It is being discussed at MNHQ and Justine has admitted that there is a problem with people being arseholes. She's said that moderation has been tightened up and asked people to report twatty comments for deletion

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5445143-justine-says-mn-is-too-mean-and-will-tighten-up-moderation

Is it MN or just this board? Here, if somebody posts a personal dilemma, the default seems to be to turn against the OP. I found that really odd.

Same. And I’ve been here 15 years.

I’m often amazed at those who insist on the partner, husband having an affair. Some possibly but some posters seem to get almost hysterical pushing the narrative.

A thread along the lines of "i am going out with hubby tonight shall i wear the blue dress or red dress?" will quite often descend in to.

1. I've never had a night out in 17 years i wouldnt leave my kids.
2. People are struggling with financial troubles, and you are going out for a meal.
3. why are you trying to look nice, why do you need to appeal to male gaze.
4. why are you going out for dinner, is it something he feels guilty about.
5. I've never worn a dress in 20 years, prefer comfies.
6. why you bothering to go out, every where is shit, i just couldnt be bothered.

Rather than give (what you rightly say is subjective advice) on an outfit choice, people much prefer pissing all over someones parade.

🤣🤣

I once started a thread questioning whether I would be reasonable to ask my parents not to drive 4 hours up the M1 in bank holiday traffic to see my brother when they were looking after my three v young kids for the day (& night). I was genuinely worried about my dads driving (he has a health condition which affects his sight when he is tired), my mum being able to cope with all the packing and child wrangling, my kids being able to cope with 8 hours (!!) in the car in one day. All of my worries came from a genuine place. Also needs noting my parents have my kids overnight v rarely, aprox once a year.

It descended into 300 replies of:

• why are you being a psycho controlling bitch
• you should be grateful your parents do any childcare, they didn’t chose for you to have kids
• you have kids, now you don’t get to have any time away from them at all. I don’t.
• If anyone spoke to me that way I would be disowning them as a daughter
• you’re ageist, I drive to Spain and back each year and I’m 89
• your brother and his wife hate you

It was batshit. It answered none of my questions in fact I had to ask mumsnet to take it down because I was stressing about it so much

It's true there is a lot of competitive misery, or gleeful squashing of perceived 'entitlement'. In your case, @Gagamama2 , sounds like you hit all the buttons when you dared to dictate terms while your parents were doing you the massive favour of looking after your kids. You are so entitled!

Personally, I don't get the 'forgotten birthday' vitriol on here. If someone forgets your birthday (especially if that someone is your OH. Or your mother) then yes, it's perfectly OK and normal to feel sad and a bit miffed. Even if you are a grown-up.

Cf. also kids becoming adults when they turn 18 and therefore ought to leave home/be charged rent.

But they don't delete posts like they used to. Now it's "we agree with you but we want the poster to be challenged". Well, when the poster got challenged with irrefutable facts they kept on their racist attacks and bullying so people didn't t bother arguing further. Or "let's give this the benefit of the doubt" when it's clearer than the sun that they were making fun of poor people. "We think there was irony". Of course there was, calling people the "virtuous" poor was indeed said in irony!