To get him the bare minimum for Christmas?

[JollyStreet]

My DS has full custody of my grandson (14), he works as a HGV driver and obviously isn't home all the time so he moved in with me (only an hour away from where he was living) but on days my son isn't working he goes back to my son. Or that was the plan.

He started a new school in January, he was previously in private school (that I paid for) but lost his place due to behaviour. He's now in a state school and probably not one of the best but that's the only place we could get him in, if he didn't lose his place he would still be attending. But he acts like everyone else is at fault.

He's had at least one day a week off since September, sometimes more just due to him refusing. When he's there he misbehaves, he's had over 100 behaviour points (negative) since September. It's not a sudden change either as he was like this last academic year too.

His behaviour isn't limited to school either, I found out he watched violent porn, he was adamant it wasn't him but he's the only person with access to his phone bar myself and my son, he's managed to get around it anyway and now deletes his search history.

He started going to a youth club and in the summer I found messages between him and a girl that also attended, I'm unsure how old she is I think about 15. She told him she was pregnant, myself and my son spoke to him and he denied it, he said they hadn't even had sex and she was “obsessed” with him and a bunch of misogynistic rubbish. I notified his school but she doesn't attend so there wasn't much they can do, they haven't said much about the school refusal either, just he needs to be in. They don't have very good pastoral staff.

I've tried early help but it isn't “severe” enough so they closed the case.

When my son once tried to get him in by taking his things he hit him, he lied about my son hitting him and he threatened to report him as he had bruises. So its hard to push to much as I believe my son didn't do it but I don't think social services or the police would think like that and he could lose his job etc. So I'm worried about pushing him too far. He's started refusing to go back to his dads because he just wants to play on his PC, here.

He hasn't been in since Thursday, I took his phone last night due to other behaviour and he stole some wine and drank it all (either half of it or just under half, in unsure on how much was actually left) and he asked what it feels like to be stolen from. This isn't the first time he's stolen alcohol and perhaps it was my own fault for having it in the house.

There's more but this post is long enough, I'm thinking of just getting him the bare minimum for Christmas like shower gel etc and nothing he's asked for and nothing “fun” due to his behaviour but I don't know how reasonable that would be as it's Christmas. His birthday is a few days after too but I have a feeling he won't be grateful for anything he receives. I'm doing all the Christmas shopping for him including from my son but he's giving me the money.

Also, please don't say he needs to go back to my son, it's just not possible with his work as he's sometimes away for days at a time.

Your son needs to deal with his son instead of dumping him on you. He is an HGV driver but there is nothing stopping him from getting a job that means he can look after his son. What would he do if you weren’t there?

Your grandson’s behaviour is directly linked to the fact that nobody seems to give a shit about him. If you can afford a private school, you can afford the counselling he clearly needs.

Poor kid. Where's his mum? Dad can't look after him so left with Gran. He needs professional help. Could you find a counselling service privately? I appreciate it's probably not your choice to left dealing with your grandson in the absence of his parents but definitely not his either.

Where's his mum?

I think he does need some sort of intervention, before he ages out of the system and it's too late.

Someone needs to look at this from the child point of view. For some reasons he can’t have contact with his Mum, was there abuse. This will have caused attatchment trauma and he has been abandoned by his Dad. His Dad needs a new job, to step up and parent and the child needs some therapy from someone who can deal with the complexities of his situation.

There’s something going on with this kid that needs addressed and taking away his stuff I’m afraid is not the way to do it. He’s clearly distressed, maybe by the fact his mum doesn’t seem to be around and his dad prioritises this job over him and doesn’t bother getting him even when he is home. It would be easier to get your son to pull his finger out and parent his child than try to mitigate the impact it’s having on this poor kid.

Where is his mother? Why isn’t your son stepping up and being a proper dad here instead of leaving it to you? No wonder the poor kid is fucked up. He is carrying a hell of a lot of trauma. Help him.

The boy needs his mum

It took my son a while to be able to find a new job after the company he previously worked for shut down, so it isn't easy to just find another job. He took this one because he didn't know when he'd get another one.

He won't engage in counselling, he was offered it last year via school due to his behaviour but he'd just sit there so I doubt private counselling would be any different. His mum isn't in his life.

Why isnt she in his life? Is it a possibility she could be?

Hell i would be tracking down his mum if I thought it would even give him the tiniest bit of help.

Obvious cries for attention so no, don’t punish him by giving him a shitty Christmas.

Yes it’s hard on you but his father needs to step up now and get you and his son some help before the boy becomes violent and a wrong un.

Your son needs to step up and be a proper parent. He's a single father, his job is not suitable for that so he needs to find something else, just like women do. It is not acceptable to leave all the parenting to you, it's not fair to you or his son.

Poor kid , something is going badly wrong for him. Remember that all behaviour tells a story of what is going on inside him . He sounds like he could be feeling lost , angry , scared ? Not excusing the behaviour but understanding will help - what has happened to him ?
he is lucky to have you and it sounds very hard on you . I would try to work on building your relationship up, showing him you love him and he is emotionally safe with you

School counselling is shit. He needs to see a proper professional. I do not believe your son cannot find another job.

So he's lost his mum somehow, his dad farms him out to his nan and you're wondering why he's behaving badly? All teenage boys are challenging at 14 even those with good self esteem and happy home lives. Those who experience what your GS have experienced are showing you how unhappy they feel through their behaviour.

My son can't get a new job that easily, it's easier said than done. He does want to spend time with him but grandson has been refusing.

I doubt he'll be grateful for anything we buy him, he ruined our holiday in October by complaining the whole time.

I've told him he needs to go to school and actually behave or he'll fail his exams but his response is he doesn't care. I'm at my wits end with him

Your son could start looking for a job and step up, it sounds like you are making excuses for your son and blaming a 14 year old.
He needs stability and to feel like someone wants him, not more punishment.
why doesn’t he see his mum? This could explain more of his behaviour.

My son has a job.

I'm amazed how many posters aren't paying attention to your query.

Yes, get him the bare minimum.

I think no-one is paying attention to the query because it seems pretty irrelivant to what is going on. The boy needs a consistant parent to rely on, of course he wont be appreciative of xmas gifts. This set up is clearly not working for your grandson and needs to be changed.

Who gives a fucking shit about Christmas?

Can you say what the story is with the boy’s mum? It’s not typical that a child wouldn’t have their mum in their life, except in pretty extreme circumstances.

@JollyStreet
a Job where he can parent his son. This shouldn’t fall on you.

I think he’s acting out because he’s had trauma. He must miss his Mum. What happened?