To get him the bare minimum for Christmas?

[JollyStreet]

My DS has full custody of my grandson (14), he works as a HGV driver and obviously isn't home all the time so he moved in with me (only an hour away from where he was living) but on days my son isn't working he goes back to my son. Or that was the plan.

He started a new school in January, he was previously in private school (that I paid for) but lost his place due to behaviour. He's now in a state school and probably not one of the best but that's the only place we could get him in, if he didn't lose his place he would still be attending. But he acts like everyone else is at fault.

He's had at least one day a week off since September, sometimes more just due to him refusing. When he's there he misbehaves, he's had over 100 behaviour points (negative) since September. It's not a sudden change either as he was like this last academic year too.

His behaviour isn't limited to school either, I found out he watched violent porn, he was adamant it wasn't him but he's the only person with access to his phone bar myself and my son, he's managed to get around it anyway and now deletes his search history.

He started going to a youth club and in the summer I found messages between him and a girl that also attended, I'm unsure how old she is I think about 15. She told him she was pregnant, myself and my son spoke to him and he denied it, he said they hadn't even had sex and she was “obsessed” with him and a bunch of misogynistic rubbish. I notified his school but she doesn't attend so there wasn't much they can do, they haven't said much about the school refusal either, just he needs to be in. They don't have very good pastoral staff.

I've tried early help but it isn't “severe” enough so they closed the case.

When my son once tried to get him in by taking his things he hit him, he lied about my son hitting him and he threatened to report him as he had bruises. So its hard to push to much as I believe my son didn't do it but I don't think social services or the police would think like that and he could lose his job etc. So I'm worried about pushing him too far. He's started refusing to go back to his dads because he just wants to play on his PC, here.

He hasn't been in since Thursday, I took his phone last night due to other behaviour and he stole some wine and drank it all (either half of it or just under half, in unsure on how much was actually left) and he asked what it feels like to be stolen from. This isn't the first time he's stolen alcohol and perhaps it was my own fault for having it in the house.

There's more but this post is long enough, I'm thinking of just getting him the bare minimum for Christmas like shower gel etc and nothing he's asked for and nothing “fun” due to his behaviour but I don't know how reasonable that would be as it's Christmas. His birthday is a few days after too but I have a feeling he won't be grateful for anything he receives. I'm doing all the Christmas shopping for him including from my son but he's giving me the money.

Also, please don't say he needs to go back to my son, it's just not possible with his work as he's sometimes away for days at a time.

From an outside perspective looking in it sounds like he is craving attention and love - possibly because of whatever has happened with his mum. Has he had a very unstable young childhood? That can sometimes cause problems in the teen years.

I think you need to have a chat with him when he is in a good mood. Explain the house rules and why you have them. Talk with him about boundaries around computer use and why you don’t want him on the internet all the time - bad for his brain development, he sees things he isn’t old enough for, he doesn’t want to go to school because of wanting to be on his computer etc. I would put the computer in the living room and also put settings on his phone that turns it off at a certain time each night, or make him leave it downstairs at a certain time. If he won’t go to school then he would have consequences such as the cables being taken out of the back of the PC so he can’t use it while he’s off school. If he drinks your alcohol then don’t buy more. Or have a secure locked area for it.

When he is at home with you try to encourage things like board games and movie nights. He might seem like he’s trying to act older than he is but he’s likely craving your time and attention and any time you can give it to him while he’s being ‘good’ will be so much more helpful than the negative attention you often have to give him. Regarding Christmas presents I wouldn’t tell him you’re buying him less but I probably wouldn’t go overboard.

I also doubt it’s helpful him living between two homes. Either your son leaves his job and commits to having his son at home with him or it would be better for your grandson to know his home is permanently with you.

I do have some idea of your difficulties as I have two teenage foster sons and I appreciate things must be very tough for you all right now x

And as is typical in these situations you’re doing nothing but defend your son, who is abandoning his son and causing this distress and unrest. You and my mother in law would get on well. Stop making excuses for him and tell him to get his son picked up as soon as his shift is finished and not drop him off again until he’s on the way back to work. And to parent him in between. Poor kid. I’ve got a full time job and two teens whose dad is a nightmare and caused all sorts of problems resulting in them derailing. All i do other than work is spend time with them. That’s what parenting is. They now know they’re safe away from him and I have two of the calmest teens I know. Your son is the problem here and you are enabling him. Don’t punish the kid twice.

Have you posted about him before? He needs support not punishment, like you were advised last time.

Bump

it would really help to know where mum is and why she isn’t involved. This sounds desperately difficult for you, @op

It’s not at all fair that this has landed on you.

Is your son actively searching every single day for a job that would he's around more for his child?

Why isn't his mum in his life?

He sounds very unsettled and unhappy and I can see why.

TBH I'd not let him choose to stay at yours when his dad isn't at work. I'd explain to your son and grandson that the schedule will be stuck to, if dad is at home, he can be there with him.

Poor lad. Seems to me he feels utterly miserable and as is it’s not worth bothering to excel. His dad needs to sort out a different job and focus more on his son not dump him on you. His mum is absent and he feels not wanted by his father too I imagine. Plus you too maybe.
If you weren’t available to offer him a home his dad would have to sort something else out because the only other option would be put him in care.

I would try and make Christmas a really lovely memory for you all. Dad will be around and it might just be the thing that makes this young boys life make a bit more sense

With that big list of ongoing issues, Christmas gifts are the least of your worries here. This child is obviously really struggling, not having his Mum in his life and getting little time with his Dad. Punishing him won't teach him to be better, it will make him feel worse - and then behave worse. He needs more support.

This boy has been failed by his parents on so many levels already. Why rub salt in the wounds?

Not sure why you've asked this question: you seem intent on painting this 14 year old as the bad guy, despite what anyone says.

Your focus is on what material things to buy/not buy your GS for Christmas - what he really needs for Christmas is a parent! If his mum isn't in his life then his father needs to be. The End.

Amazed? I'd say it's because people realise Christmas gifts are the least of OP's worries.

The problem isn't your grandson's behaviour, it's how he feels. The behaviour is just a symptom of this.

Punishing him by not buying him Christmas presents/buying the bare minimum is going to make the situation worse.

It's completely understsndable that his dad has taken this job but it is driving this situation and it's going to be very hard to resolve this while dad lives elsewhere.

His mum not being around for whatever reason is traumatic, and now his dad (in his mind) has rejected him. His school have binned him off and he will feel like his dad has too. He us bracing himself for his gran to reject him now as well and is doing pre-emptive strikes.

He is craving connection, security and love. He needs firm boundaries about safety but not punishment. Cutting Christmas will be another rejection which will drive more behaviours.

His dad needs to spend time with him, one way or another. Book in games nights, days out, watch films, lean into his interests. You both need to invest in the relationship with him, and after doing this it will be infinitely easier to challenge and work on his behaviours.

Try and access him any counselling/ therapy you can via the GP and school, and if affordable 1000% look into private psychological therapy.

If you have money for a private school pay for councelling.
And yes it makes no difference what he has for Christmas. Councelling!

This. This is very relevant. There is likely trauma.

Could you son move in with you too? That way they're together whenever he's not working. Honestly sounds like your GS needs a PRU. I think depending on distance the school has to organize transport for you. But you need to make school acknowledge there's a problem and put an action plan in place (that he then fails).

Please stop making excuses for your son, for your grandson's mother, for this disaster - this situation is being enabled by the fact you're giving your son the solution, take that solution away and your son will have no other option but to step up and father the son he brought into this world.

your son is massively taking the piss by not getting a job that enables him to be a father. He can get a job he just isn't bothering to because you're the convenient solution that means he doesn't need to,

you haven't acknowledged the mothers role, she bought this child into the world as well, so just saying she not in his life is no excuse. She should be in his life, now when he needs her. You shouldn't have to clear up their mess, they need to be grown adults about this. I'd be getting social services involved, pronto.

Your grandson ,has a lot going on in his life
His mother has abandoned him ( in his eyes )
Dad has abandoned him to with work ( understandable) but that will be how he sees it
He's had to move area and leave local friends
Move school and leave friends
Start a new school ,where everyone except him has established friendship groups.
It would of been better for your grand son to of stayed in his private school and you live at your son's when your son is away with work ..
It's all been to much change for your grandson .
Can you get him back in the private school ,can you stay at your son's house when your son is away with work ,so your grandson has continuity in his own home with his old school.
It would only be for a short amount of time
That's what I'd do in your shoes anyway

Why would you punish him with no presents ,for not coping with a situation of so much change ..he's a child ,not a robot

We’re amazed that his dad isn’t trying harder to get to the root cause of the issue. What’s the point in worrying about Xmas, there are bigger things here to deal with and buying this lad lots or buying him the bare minimum, won’t make one bit of difference.

His dad needs to get his child proper help. You don’t just give up on therapy and your child if he won’t engage, you keep trying. Kids don’t act up like this for no reason, he’s crying out for attention and help although obviously doesn’t realise it. Not having his mum in his life is a big thing.

No I wouldn’t skimp out on Christmas presents. It would be just another kick in the teeth for a boy that’s been rejected by his mum, his dad is awol at work regularly (another regular rejection, and yes grown ups have to work but kids don’t process that in the same way we do until later), kicked out of his old school and his grandma sees him as the problem rather than everything he’s had to deal with.
Yep take away the Christmas joy too 👍
How’s punitive behaviour management working so far?

You seem to be ignoring a lot of the posts highlighting the fact the underlying issues need to be dealt with, his behaviour is very clearly just a symptom.

How sad for him, he’s very clearly left to his own devices quite literally and has had no boundaries. It seems he’s just moved around as someone else’s problem. No one wants to be the adult and actually look after him, yes you’ve put a roof over his head and sent him to a nice school for a bit and his dad is working I assume to pay for his son too, but he needs more than that. Those are the absolute basics and every adult that’s supposed to look after him is leaving him literally to find his own way. 14 years is so young. I’ve got clothes that have been on this planet longer. He has no life experience and no one showing him, just blaming and punishing him. What’s he got to lose by you not giving him nice gifts? He’s already lost the one person who is supposed to love you unconditionally especially as a child, and the other one too albeit in seeing him when he’s not working, the foundations for life have gone for him. Underneath it all he’s likely incredibly insecure, likely to blame himself that his mother isn’t around and see himself as unlikeable and unloveable and worst of all it’s then being confirmed by the few people he has left, when they aren’t picking something else before him. Genuinely feel desperately sad for the little boy who’s lost inside of him.

Poor child, mother has no contact and now dad has taken a job that means he gets palmed off to you, can't you see why he'd feel abandoned?

Sounds like he needs some love

I think you should look for positive things he does - no matter how small and praise him. He needs building up. Sounds like he has low self worth. Is there any joy and humour at home? Watch something funny together. My son of the same age loves watching Mandy. Give it a go. Start with these small things to help you bond. Pick your battles too. You’re in a negative cycle with him but you have the power to change that to a positive cycle & watch him thrive. I would be doing the opposite for Christmas-I’d be treating him like he was treasured. You can turn this around. He needs to feel valued to become the person you want him to be.