My best friend of nearly 20 years and I have fallen out

[Mondura]

a long one..

My friend and I have known each other for 17 years. We both live in the UK. We’ve had a wider friendship circle since our twenties when we met but ppl move away and their lives end up going in different directions so it's not a strong group of friends anymore. I’d say she’s been a constant, supportive presence in my life throughout these years and we’ve never fallen out until a couple of months ago. I’m not even sure how things got to this point. She is turning 40 soon (a few months before me) and together with a third friend we were trying to organise something to celebrate her birthday. We all had some ideas, put them in the group chat but she decided she just wanted something simple, like going away to a cottage, just the three of us, have a few drinks, dinner, stay a night or two and just chat, laugh relax, etc. Great, nothing complicated or so I thought. Our third friend and I suggested a country pub with rooms which we’ve both been very impressed by previously, it had other locations in the UK, great service, lovely atmosphere, we were very keen to make the most of it. Our third friend sent some links and she highlighted some of the rooms have two beds, she’ll try and find maybe a family room, but can’t see a cottage on the grounds with multiple rooms. Fine, nothing has been decided and I said I’m happy to take a separate room maybe next to them and don’t mind the extra cost if they prefer sharing the two-bed one. We’ve known each other for a long time, all three of us know that I can afford a bit more in life in general. It hasn’t always been the case, we worked hard for the money we have, run a business, take risks etc. that’s not to say, they are poor, they can both afford luxury holidays, meals out, lovely clothes etc, so none of these things have ever really been an issue. My friend, the birthday girl, didn’t reply to my suggestion to book two rooms, we were all in a rush to do things that morning anyway, we knew it wasn’t going to be finalised so just left it. She then sent another link to the chat a few days later with an Airbnb link for another, cheaper cottage. We all liked it, lovely place, location, great! I was going away a few days later but was keen to finalise something for my friend so we'd have it locked in the calendar and had this short getaway to look forward to so instead of packing and getting myself organised, I prioritised this trip and started my morning looking into booking this. I told them that I’m happy to advance the payment and they can just transfer it later, I just wanted to look through the listing again to make sure it’s all to our liking and needs and I’m ready to book it. My friend messaged back that it’s fine and if it’s ok if she transfers her share the following month. I said ok. Then I was looking for the room configuration on the listing which was a bit hard to figure out, but I found it and it was a cottage with two double bedrooms and a living room with a sofa (not pull out). I sent in a screenshot with the caption “this one only has two bedrooms”. This is where things kicked off. She seemed to have gotten really upset and replied that I should just find another one then. I didn’t reply as I sensed that she was upset. We generally text or call each other almost every day, often multiple times a day, so I can read between the lines, she was not happy. I said I can look for something else, but not until I come back from my upcoming trip a week later so we can park this for now if that’s what she wants. She then messaged again saying it’s best to cancel the whole thing, all of us have different needs, she doesn’t want to go away any more, just a simple dinner is fine. I didn’t reply, because I was busy getting myself ready, I was already short on sleep and had a lot to do, I didn’t want to engage in discussing it further. It was clear that the booking wasn’t going to go ahead then. So I didn’t respond, she then private messaged me and said the same thing that it’s best to not go ahead at all with the plans. It’s her call of course, but then I replied saying I don’t understand and I don’t think it’s fair to now just shut it all down when we’ve all planned so much and looked forward to this ( took forever to find dates that suited us all). We were ready to book and it sounded like the ‘everyone has different needs’ is aimed at me as if my needs were too much. I said I don’t mind looking for a bigger cottage and I’ll just pay the difference for the third room if that’s the issue as it’s no problem for me. I was very polite and I tried to come up with a solution though I didn’t really understand why she got so agitated so suddenly. She then became pretty abusive saying she knows I can afford it, I rub this under their noses all the time. Last time when our other friend sent a link, I also told them I can afford a separate room for myself and that’s it’s not cool and I should really have a think about how I communicate because I come across entitled. I was shocked and started crying. I was totally oblivious to this if it was the case and really I thought I'm just booking a trip for my best friend and doing my best to be flexible.I scrolled back in the messages to see if I was rude or what exactly I said but I genuinely just stated that I don’t mind going for an extra room for myself. She knows I’m an awful sleeper, I send her screenshots of my sleep stats often and we analyse it together, I usually need a dark, quiet room and although we have shared rooms and even bed together in the past, I’d rather pay for my comfort levels approaching our 40s if we can afford it. Clearly her main issue was not me wanting a separate room, but it was deeper than that. It just seems she never expressed these to me. I stopped responding. I saw her last message later on where she says I’ve been the one person who is closest to her in the past 20 years and that she loves me, sort of like a half-assed apology where she probably realised how overboard she went. But I just couldn’t continue writing anything after all this and I had a lot to do that day anyway. I shouldn't have started the day with this booking as I had a lot on. She then tried to ring me in the afternoon and again in the evening, but I was on the school run in the afternoon, then took a sedative for the night (I don't often do this), but I had to calm down somehow and it was important that I had a good night's sleep before an early start to my flight. Over a week went past and I didn't contact her. In fact I muted her chat and the other chat too, which had all three of us in originally as I just couldn't deal with the drama plus I was away with my daughter, I didn't really have time to myself to dive into this whole 'who said what and why' saga.I also didn't want this to ruin my time away with my daughter though it definitely overshadowed it. I cried a lot at night or when she couldn't see me. I also didn't really know what to write tbh. I don't often post on social media, so whenever I snap pictures of what I do, where I am, what I eat etc, I just send a few to some selected friends and my husband. So this friend would've in normal circumstances received a lot of pics from my trip away, but I just had such a block in me. She said I rub things under her nose, so I didn't want to send her a pic of us sitting at the airport lounge. On arrival we went out of dinner to a new spot she actually specifically talked about before. I didn't want to send pics of the food. What if we spent too much? Would that be rubbing it under her nose? Suddenly everything I did felt like I was in the wrong and I was no longer able to share my life with her, because who knows what else I'd done in the past which was too much for her to handle? So I basically just parked this whole thing in my mind to deal with later and tried to enjoy my time away. A few days after getting back home, she messaged me again asking if I cared to discuss what happened at all. I replied politely and told her that I don't really know what to say and it still hasn't settled enough in me plus I'm busy catching up on life and work after returning from my trip (which she knew the length of) She said we should meet in person to discuss, but I told her I genuinely don't have time to know go out in the evening for this as I've only just got back and my other daughter terribly missed me and I just generally have a lot on. She became very accusatory again especially about the fact that I didn't respond at all for nearly two weeks (she said two weeks, it was a week and a half) and somehow I ended up reading more of how I did something wrong and how bad she felt during this time and that I shouldn't have just disappeared like that. I tried not to take offence, but it seemed a bit harsh from someone who was trying to mend things. So I told her I felt bad too, I just couldn't bring myself dealing with what she said as I feel like I can't be myself with her anymore. We try to text now regularly, but it's somewhat forced. It feels very awkward and I don't enjoy sharing anything with her. We got our car stolen a few months back and we recently got a brand new, better car and she was very interested in it previously. The car arrived after our fall out and she casually asked what it's like to drive it. I told her I think it's best not to analyse it as the new car is too expensive and I don't want to rub anything under her nose. She then stopped replying for a few days. I reached out afterwards to meet in person finally in the hope that I'd feel differently about her or I don't really know what I expected really. We met and I don't think we discussed anything in more detail or better just because we were face to face. There was some crying, but mostly we just both tried to make the other one understand why we are hurt. We left, I texted her again the next day and we messaged since, but it's not the same. It's awful actually. I'm only texting out of some obligatory feeling. I lost a very good friend over such a stupid thing and I can't believe it's happening. We have a few things in the calendar lined up, which we haven't discussed. We take turns spending Christmas lunch at each others every year and it's their turn to host this year. We have shows booked and our children are similar ages, they are good friends and we always maintained that they see each other regularly. I think she wants the friendship to continue, but something has broken between us and I guess I can keep going like this; in a forced, uncomfortable manner but I'm looking for advice on how to get past it and feel free and comfortable again spending time with her. Right now I always just feel like any moment I can say or do something that constitutes entitled and will cross her boundaries over what is or isn't allowed. If she wasn't important to me, I could just let this all go, but I'm really struggling to let my hurt and anger, but mostly sadness go away so we can just be happy friends again planning our next adventure.

You’re a waffler and she is probably peri-menopausal.

@Mondura

To summarise...

You perhaps talk about money more than you realise.

Your friend mistakenly took your asking to pay for a separate room with each mini break suggestion as money bragging.

Your friend then tried to apologise for her mistake, but instead of accepting the apology and realising that a mintain had been made out of a molehill, you just ignored her, you have now turned it into even more of a mountain and massively over analysing something that was just a mistake due to you perhaps being a little money focused.

Really? Seriously?

I did read the post ( well almost all to the end but I’d got the gist by then). The original upset was something and nothing. Your friend was obviously hurt and upset at the time, I’ll hazard a guess and say it’s based on previous encounters whereby you’ll take issue with something then everyone else accommodates you whether it’s genuine reasons or not people get mighty fed up with their views and opinions being dismissed frequently.
anyway you were nothing short of a complete butch from that point on. Your friend reached out to try and make a mends multiple times and yet each time it wasn’t convenient to you, you were too busy, blah blah, you you you. That may have been the case but the adult way to go about things would have been to say
“I’m really sorry, I really do want to sort this out and put it behind us but I’m literally on my way out now I can meet you for x,y, a at these times if convenient” and make an actual effort. Your friends reaction initially came from a place of hurt but you’re not willing to accept you did anything whether deliberately or inadvertently to cause it.

My bad, I lost the will to live 2/3 of the way in and missed that 😔

You’ve mentioned cost a few times in your post. I think most people would be put out by this. You’ve mentioned it a few times in relation to your post. I bet you’ve mentioned it multiple times before. Sounds as if you are rubbing her nose in it and have done for years and she snapped and got fed up.

As others have said you pretty much ghosted her for 10 days. Additionally when she wanted to talk / meet up, you had a series of reasons why this didn’t suit you.

Your friend asked specifically about your new car yet you specifically said “you’re not interested as that would be reminding you I have more money than you”. It was a weird, loaded and unnecessary comment. Most people would take offence with a snappy comment like that.

Sounds to me you’ve made this worse. I think you need to apologise “in case I’ve rubbed your nose in it as I didn’t mean to” assuming you didn’t. If you really want to improve this friendship, you need to talk and communicate.

I too struggled to read it all but you seemed to make a lot of references to being too busy to get back to her so feels as though you were ghosting her.

A too didn't long read?

Reads like she said something heated that had been getting on her nerves and you have then frozen her out and not allowed the history of the friendship or any apologies to thaw it out properly.

Perhaps she does feel like the “poor” friend sometimes. Perhaps the way you deal with it could come across as entitled. Perhaps neither of those two things are true and she is being massively unfair. However if you love her and you value the friendship as you say, you could simply approach it in good faith, try to get to the bottom of the real problem as sensitively as possible and move on with life with your friendship in tact. Or you can continue to freeze her out and lose the friendship. Your choice. If you choose the latter then I would guess that there is more annoyance on both sides that hasn’t been expressed and dealt with. Or that you are getting something out of making her feel bad.

Friends that bang on about money are insufferable. Especially when you have all known each other for years. Sometimes it is nice to go back to your roots, share rooms, be silly and remember where you all came from. I'd sleep in a hedge with my best friend if it came to spending time together.

For a few night's I'd have gone with what the majority wanted, drank shitloads of wine and cackled like the old days. Chances are they feel you have changed too much in your attitude and might even find you a bit judgey.

I hope after a bit of time off from each other you can make it work again.

I did say above you’re not going to sort it without talking, but maybe need to not discuss it. It might have been dwelt on too much already. Either talk more about if needed or agree to put it behind you totally. However you do need to rethink your behaviour and apologise to move forward. Try to take your friend’s point of view. Your incredibly long post is all about you. You might become really draining the energy out of each other. Think about how much you mention money etc.

Kind of sounds like your behavior has been quite upsetting. Read back your own message and you'll realize this! Imagine what must have been going through her head that whole time you ghosted her. Plus it was her 40th, maybe you could have just gone with her requested suggestion rather than putting your own needs first.

I read all of what you said op.

It does sound as though you won’t or maybe can’t move forward. I always think that when we’re really truly deeply hurt it’s because part of it rings true.

I’d think properly about it and if you don’t want to move on now or maybe ever that’s ok.

What some people find minor others find major and there’s no shame in that.

A.I. has fallen out with itself?

We all get jealous or envious but some people are better at dealing with it than others. I tend to own up to my jealousy (not to the other person but to myself) and it’s great because it reveals to you your own desire and what you lack. I have witnessed many people who don’t confront that in themselves and they end up exploding all over everyone like OP’s friend.

Sprry you got such mean replys here. Give yourself some time to calm down nothing needs to be decided right now just observe the situation breathe deep and see how you feel about things in a while. You are not in the wrong

I managed DW!

You didn’t fall out and have all this awkwardness to get past it with her.
Your friendship is over. It’s plain as day. I don’t mince my words, this is true. I won’t say what I think of your behaviour but I once had a friend similar to you and I had to walk away for the same reasons as your friend is leaving you. You sound incredibly suffocating and self regarding. What pains me is that you think you’re a good friend.

Two people who have been friends for ages find out that they have changed in outlook and this affects the friendship.
Or just watch 'Withnail & I'.

Maybe you are less subtle about your wealth than you think?

Two people who have been friends for ages find out that they have changed in outlook and this affects the friendship.
Or just watch 'Withnail & I'.

If I’m going to make a guess of what started this I think it’s the fact you were trying to cram in her birthday treat inbetween your other commitments & she may have sensed this with the comment of I’ll get my own room cause I can afford it may have come across as can we just book it already. She over reacted & was out of order to say you’re rubbing it in.

this is where I think you were in the wrong though. Ghosting her for over a week, not accepting her apology, the snarky remark about your new car. Did she really deserve that, especially when she was quick to apologise & even tried ringing you a few hours later. I don’t think she did in fairness. She was probably more upset than you was because you already knew she was regretful & wanted to make amends & remain friends. She didn’t. You had all the power & you wielded it maybe not intentionally but little consideration was given to you friend. On your return your reluctance to meet up & sort it out is again really dismissive. Did this come across as not being bothered. She had a pop at you. But she didn’t betray you, she wasn’t caught out slagging you off & at worst she got stroppy. All you needed to do was tell her to stop being daft

Were you just looking for a reason to cut her off? Because you’ve been pretty keen to do that. No second chances, you are too busy and important to reply for a week and she should know how busy and important you are, bitchy shutdowns when she tried to fix it. The one who should be apologising and making an active effort to fix things although you may have already broken it all too much is you. But you probably don’t have time, right? Busy doing something expensive you can’t tell her about. Maybe money was really tight for her at the moment? Even if it weren’t all the ‘I can pay more’ would be really annoying to anyone.

Gosh what a lot to unpack.
I did read your full paragraph.
Clarity in communication is clearly not your strongest point, based on the rambling paragraph😁

What stood out to me:
-You wrote you have no idea how things got so far, then proceed to give a long list of how you are basically shutting her off.
-You were happy with booking 2 rooms in the inn, yet you thought the cottage was not suitable because it only had 2 rooms. Do you see how that comes across as weird?
-She has reached out to you on numerous occasions trying to discuss what happened but you ignore her, have excuses not to pick up the phone (yet don’t phone back when you do have time) etc. Do you see how you are the one refusing to talk this through and sort it out?

I’m sorry op, losing the friendship is 100% on you. I can’t judge whether you tended to rub people’s face in the fact you have more money, but she was telling you what annoyed her about your behaviour and your reaction was to ghost her. Do you have a tendency for ignoring people when they are trying to talk to you?

You write that you’re looking tof advice how to get past this. You behave like an adult. You reach out and you apologise for blocking her and ghosting her. You ask if she’s still willing to talk it through and you TALK and you LISTEN. I would also advise you get some therapy to figure out why you shut down and block people instead of communicating.

Any chance of you proofreading your posts? I'll happily overlook the odd rogue typo, but that's a bowl of alphabetti spaghetti!

I thought this too. Felt like the friend immediately calmed down but OP hung onto the drama. Sorry OP - you sound like a drama-lama, but obviously a caring person so fall on your sword and make it a lovely birthday for your friend.