To think that it's a bit rude that the dad turned up to playdate instead of mum

[Zscalent]

I am a single mum and have a 5 year old DD, she has made friends with another little girl in her class. My daughter was begging me since the start of September to organise a playdate so I got talking to the mum at the school gates last week and invited her and her daughter over to ours for a playdate on Saturday.
Saturday afternoon the child turned up at my door with her dad who explained that his wife was unwell. I felt wildly uncomfortable sitting there with a strange man in my house (I had literally never met him before). He was a nice man, but due to a previous trauma I generally try to not be alone with men especially behind closed doors and I found the 2 hours to be unbearably awkward and triggering.
Of course this family wouldn't know that about me and there was certainly no ill intent from them. The kids had a great time so I guess that's all that mattered but I just feel like if the mum couldn't make it to the playdate the right thing to do would be to give me a heads up that her husband was attending instead (in which case I could have suggested rescheduling or moving the location to a soft play or somewhere more private).
Aibu?

At 5yo I wouldn't expect parents to stay.

Read the posts before you contribute please !

Why did a parent need to stay for a play date?

It wouldn't bother me at all to be honest. Id dislike making small talk with any random, male or female.
Id more likely suggest they drop their child off so i didnt have to put up with either parent!

So many people not reading posts here !
She didn’t expect him to stay , she said he could drop off & collect later , he declined , as he said his little girl is nervous to stay on her own in a house she has never been before for the first time .

You’d dislike having to make small talk with a randomer, but no prob dropping your 5 year old there for the first time & leaving her 🙄

Nor me but i suppose it depends on the child. Mine was always happy to be at a friend's house without me and his friends came to me without parents. It was less formal a few years back

I honestly don't think anybody has been rude here, people just have different ideas about how things are done. I am sorry for the op given her history but no harm was done and she'll be more specific about what she wants in future.

The only reason I'm willing to host playdates is because it means I get a couple of hours to get things done!

Fuck having to entertain a parent, mum or dad, for 2 hours whilst staring at the washing I had planned to do/kitchen I'd planned to tidy (and spend the time worrying they were judging me for the mess when I was meant to be using that time to do it!).

i don’t think the mum was out of order to send her husband but I think it wpuld have been polite to let you know re the change of plans.
being able to make small talk is a social skill, many posters seem think that it’s ok not to be able to do this… really?
i doubt this man was thrilled to be making small talk with someone he hadn’t met either but he did it for his daughter not you!

Wow I must be the only one who is genuinely interested in getting to know the parents in my children’s class. All our playdayes have been with a parent present so far. My oldest child is nearly 6. He’d want me to stay at least the first time in the new house. I’m obviously very new to the whole playdate politics but it’s very interesting to read that most of you would hate getting to know your child friend’s parent or god forbid made a new friend 😀

Funny because I said id suggest "they" drop off, not me. Maybe try reading properly next time? 😊

One of the strange things about moving into parent circles for the first time is that the rules you've got used to from groups of peers, especially university and young adulthood, are replaced by new ones. Having been used to interacting with and getting to know peers regardless of sex, suddenly there's a new unwritten rule. The dads mostly forge connections with the dads, and the mums with the mums, but not so much between those groups (unless it's couples becoming joint friends).

It's a bit discombobulating when you first realise the rules have shifted (and it is a pity in lots of ways), but it does make some sense. Other parents aren't really like your peers on a course, even if it feels a bit like that because you're all new to parenting and your kids are peers. They're far more like strangers, and the connections made are different. Mums and dads aren't interchangeable, especially for 1:1 playdates in someone's home. They might be for a playdate at a park, and this child's parents should probably have suggested something like that or just cancelled.

But she expected the mother to stay

Why are you so interested in getting to know them ? I'm curious here. Don't you have friends of your own unconnected to kids

Apologies ScarlettSole 🙈 , that infact is exactly what you said 😊

Honestly, I wouldn't think twice about having coffee with the Dad of a schoolfriend. I'm sorry for your past trauma, but I suspect you're the outlier here.

Yeah that’s true actually , she did .
This is my second time being corrected on this thread 🙈 .

I do have friends unconnected to kids just always open to making more. It’s just nice to also have friends where children are friends too, we do holidays, festivals with friends. I’m not desperate to make friends with all mums in the class but with few I’ve had a good connection. Also I’m curious why wouldn’t you want to get to know the parents of your child’s friend? Do you not want to know what sort of people you’re sending your child to? I’ve heard quite few horror stories about play dates.

My mum is still close friends with few of my school friends mums that she met when I was in Y1. I just always thought that’s the natural timeline of making friendships - I tend to make friends that are at similar stages of life so we have things in common. School, sports, uni, work, hobbies, traveling, children. Some stay forever some fizzle out.

I didn't "expect" her to stay, I merely invited her over for a coffee.
We had been getting to know each other at the school gates and she is a nice lady. If she had said that she would drop the child off instead I would have been fine with that, and as I said previously i suggested a drop off when the husband turned up but he understandably wanted to stay as the child was nervous in a strange house for the first time.

"housethatbuiltme · Today 12:50

But it firmly falls into 'your triggers are YOURS to deal with', other people do not cease to have rights because you may have irrational suspicions of all men.

This is a dad parenting his child completely normally, bringing her to an event she was literally invited too, he is allowed to exist and be a parent to his child, he did NOTHING wrong.

Men are 50% of the population, literally half of all people. OP needs to work on her issues herself not expect 50% of the population to mind read that she has a phobia and tie themselves in knots to protect her feelings.

You are allowed to feel certain ways about things but you are not allowed to put it onto other people and expect their rights to change for your comfort."

This. Sorry op. Yabu. If you have special circumstances and wishes, you should let them be known before. Noone will mind read you. To most people, a dad bringing their 5 year old kid to a playdate and staying is very normal.

See if we did that, none of ours would ever have a playdate because my DH is the SAHP. I absolutely do inform people that I'm not going to be around, as there are many international families who have very rigid rules about that. They will then arrange a time when the other kids dad will also be there.

They absolutely are. Don't be sexist. Also, what do expect to do if the child has 2 dad's, or a single dad? Exclude them from all playdates????

I was for a longtime. Getting a bit better now.

My ex would give me grief whenever we had workmen in. Even if he was the one who’d organised it. Constantly accusing me of all sorts. It is very scary being so uncomfortable in your own skin you can hardly speak.

Parents staying for play dates, is that a thing now?! Can't think of anything worse, especially if you don't really know the other parent!