To think that it's a bit rude that the dad turned up to playdate instead of mum

[Zscalent]

I am a single mum and have a 5 year old DD, she has made friends with another little girl in her class. My daughter was begging me since the start of September to organise a playdate so I got talking to the mum at the school gates last week and invited her and her daughter over to ours for a playdate on Saturday.
Saturday afternoon the child turned up at my door with her dad who explained that his wife was unwell. I felt wildly uncomfortable sitting there with a strange man in my house (I had literally never met him before). He was a nice man, but due to a previous trauma I generally try to not be alone with men especially behind closed doors and I found the 2 hours to be unbearably awkward and triggering.
Of course this family wouldn't know that about me and there was certainly no ill intent from them. The kids had a great time so I guess that's all that mattered but I just feel like if the mum couldn't make it to the playdate the right thing to do would be to give me a heads up that her husband was attending instead (in which case I could have suggested rescheduling or moving the location to a soft play or somewhere more private).
Aibu?

And 100% agree @Zscalent it's really not strange for women to be cautious about their personal safety. Some of us have higher thresholds for what makes us feel uncomfortable and that's fine, but we shouldn't be throwing other women under the bus because they are more nervous than we would be. Maybe they have good reason to be scared.

This has happened to me a few times (with the same person) and I am reluctant to arrange more play dates now because the husband is dull as fuck and I had been looking forward to a catch up with the mum! (I don’t think she’s avoiding me before anyone says that… 🫢)

I think your previous experiences made you feel differently than the average person would, it’s good that you recognise that. No harm done.

But it firmly falls into 'your triggers are YOURS to deal with', other people do not cease to have rights because you may have irrational suspicions of all men.

This is a dad parenting his child completely normally, bringing her to an event she was literally invited too, he is allowed to exist and be a parent to his child, he did NOTHING wrong.

Men are 50% of the population, literally half of all people. OP needs to work on her issues herself not expect 50% of the population to mind read that she has a phobia and tie themselves in knots to protect her feelings.

You are allowed to feel certain ways about things but you are not allowed to put it onto other people and expect their rights to change for your comfort.

I’d be inclined to agree with you, if they were meeting in a public space. But he came unannounced to her home and spent two hours there. Male stranger or female stranger, this wouldn’t be ok for me.

What a vile post.
He turned up at her home, unannounced, uninvited, with the expectation of staying.

Only those dragged up would do this, that know no better.
Normal respectful people would send a quick text clarifying that this changd of plan would still suit, giving the OP an out to reschedule.

How was I "expecting people to tie themselves in knots"? I merely suggested that a text message noting the change in plan would have been appropriate in this case. No knot tieing required at all.

And for the record the way I worded the invite to the mum initially was "hey was wondering if you and [childs name] wanted to come over on Saturday afternoon we can have a coffee and the kids can play" so I don't think it's unreasonable that I was expecting her to turn up and not the dad who I had never met. He literally had to introduce himself at the door as I didn't even know his name. I just think it's polite to let people know if there is a change in plan, I'm not expecting people to change their life.... just literally send a text to say that things have changed from what was originally agreed!

I think it would have been the right thing to give you the heads up particularly as the invite was to the Mum to have a coffee too. Equally I would feel it would be polite to give you the heads up if it was the child's older sister or grandmother too.

There was a similar thread recently. Frankly, as the OP says, a mum and child invitation is generally assumed to be for the mums to socialise as well (or dads if the invitation is sent from/to a dad!).

Other posters may be all swing yer pants and what does it matter, but I would really not be up for two hours of small talk about cycling or strava times with a random man. Some dads may be excellent raconteurs and brimming with banter, but ime 99% are deathly boring.

There was also a thread a while ago in which the invited mother sent the nanny in her place which was deemed by most to be a snub.

Basically it’s ill-mannered to foist a substitution on your host.

Must say it wouldn’t have occurred to me that sending dad instead of me would be a big deal unless I was close friends already with the mum as opposed to someone I saw at drop off as it’s a play date for the kids. I probably would have messaged as a heads up but equally if you had then asked to cancel or move to a public place I would think it was rude unless you gave the whole back story. At my kids preschool/school and in my friend circle dads are very much 50:50 parents (and wives are often working longer hours/doing less drop offs) and I would have no problem socialising with a dad if they turned up, so while given your history I understand why you were upset, I just don’t think it would be an issue for most people.

I think it would have been nice had you been given a quick message heads up that the mother who you were familiar with was ill, so the father would be coming by with the young child.

Many play dates with young children is just a drop off and pick up, but if in this case the parent was staying to supervise/help, well that's more hands-on than this to drop off isn't it? It's great to see a more involved father.

Would you have preferred, if you'd known that it was a man who you hadn't met yet, who was going to be dropping off the child and staying, so that you could have made the play date in a public place? Well that's up to you. I don't think it would have bothered me.

Whenever I end up with someone coming to my house for whatever reason, whether it be a service call, or someone dropping by, I have one or two people who I can message who I trust, and I send them a quick note just to say "Oh, 904 a.m. electrician has arrived, they said his name was going to be Tom, he's from XYZ electrician company."... Just so that somebody else knows that somebody else is here what time it was, etc because I live alone.

Aside from that, I wouldn't have worried about the dad and the play date but that's just me. But yeah, a quick message wouldn't have been a bad idea just to let you know. Of course, if they had sent you a quick message just before they were arriving, what would you have done? Cancel the date? Quickly tried to move it to another venue? Set yourself up into a worrying panic? So I'm not sure that a last minute update to you would have been very helpful in your case if you're not comfortable with men you don't know being nearby in a private place

I dont think anyone is unreasonable here tbh

The play date is for the kids not you. He only came as his wife was ill and his DC excited to play with yours. I bet there were things hed prefer to have done with his weekend too.

And while I think she could have messaged and said, people who've never experienced DV themselves may not realise how this may impact you. She likely thought the plans were for the children not you both and didnt think anything of sending him.

But equally its completely reasonable youd feel uncomfortable. And can totally agree from your perspective she should have told you in advance so you could decide

You should have been messaged ideally but some folk don't think about possible consequences they assume everyone is as easy going (thinking). Don't know what I'd do tbh, especially as they seem nice and above board. Hopefully the awkwardness will be gone.

This.

I've had many play dates with having 3 dc and I don't even like the mums that I know sitting there for several hours making small talk, so id have been really pissed off if a dad who'm Id never even met turned up at my door. You are not being unreasonable to not be happy with this even without your past trauma. The mum should have just text you to say she was poorly and asked to reschedule, however I suspect she wanted both dc and dh out of the house so she could have some peace and you became collateral damage. I wouldn't make any more play dates with this person.

I think you chalk this one up to experience. I dont think anyone is wrong I think its just circumstance and miscommunication.

• You invited her and her daughter into your home for playdate. As its the first one you have had and dont know them well maybe it would be best being at a park or softplay as a first one.
• She should have messaged when she was ill to rearrange or discuss working around the problem, but didnt. Possibly the daughter was desperate to come to the playdate. So they decided without discussion with you for Dad to go to playdate. He probably presumed he would just be dropping off. This is the miscommunication.
• He arrives and presumably you invite him in when he explains wife ill. At this point you could have offered to have daughter and drop her home after or for the Dad to pickup later. Once he has met you he probably would be fine with that. He probably felt as awks as you did with staying for 2 hours. It probably should have been shorter than 2 hours but thats also awks. This is another miscommunication.

Try not to let it bother you. No harm intended just one of those things. Learn from it and move on. Message mum and say you hope she feels better soon and lets rearrange for the park for a future playdate. Take it from there

I probably wouldn't have thought it was an issue but appreciate this thread for making me more aware and will text ahead if this situation ever arises (my child is little so not an issue yet).

It has taken me years to be in certain places - supermarkets being one. I’ve never been able to return to an office job post trauma. I’d have found it very difficult to be honest. It might be my trigger to deal with, but I’d have been shaking non stop - he’d have been wondering what on earth he’d done wrong. Which of course, is nothing. He’d brought his daughter to a play date which is such a normal thing to do. Tricky one.

Thats a you problem.

Thats weird and sexist.

Its sad to see this level of sexism in this day and age. Its not 1980 anymore. Dad's are expected to put in equal effort and parenting when it comes to their children these days. You really should expect more from your husband.

Yeah, that's my reaction too.
Plonking an unknown person into OP’s midst like that is very rude, and it being a bloke needs to be taken into account, despite the preponderance of laid-back people around.
We know, if only from MN, just how much the evil that men do affects women, and it’s basic sisterhood to bear it in mind in circs such as those OP describes. The mum ought to have rung her, given her a choice in the matter.

(I think a highly developed sense about possible discomfort or distress in others is something worth encouraging/ acquiring/ inculcating. It’s a most attractive characteristic; it’s just kindness, really)

This response is hilarious 😂

So a woman who has experienced trauma which makes it hard for her to be alone with strange men should just suck it up? You sound very judgemental.

Why didn’t you just say to him “Im really sorry, but I’m not comfortable with an unknown man in my house, do you mind if we go to the park instead”