To think that it's a bit rude that the dad turned up to playdate instead of mum

[Zscalent]

I am a single mum and have a 5 year old DD, she has made friends with another little girl in her class. My daughter was begging me since the start of September to organise a playdate so I got talking to the mum at the school gates last week and invited her and her daughter over to ours for a playdate on Saturday.
Saturday afternoon the child turned up at my door with her dad who explained that his wife was unwell. I felt wildly uncomfortable sitting there with a strange man in my house (I had literally never met him before). He was a nice man, but due to a previous trauma I generally try to not be alone with men especially behind closed doors and I found the 2 hours to be unbearably awkward and triggering.
Of course this family wouldn't know that about me and there was certainly no ill intent from them. The kids had a great time so I guess that's all that mattered but I just feel like if the mum couldn't make it to the playdate the right thing to do would be to give me a heads up that her husband was attending instead (in which case I could have suggested rescheduling or moving the location to a soft play or somewhere more private).
Aibu?

I’ve been there too, when the paranoia becomes so irrational that there’s no reasoning with them. Every word you say just makes things worse.

There’s no way he would have let, having another man in the house, go, for months, maybe even years after that. I would’ve been instantly guilty, the children definitely wouldn’t have been allowed to spend time with or associate with that other family again.

You really do not know what someone’s home life is like behind closed doors. So sending a stranger (make or female) with no prior warning to spend time in someone else’s house is a no from me.

Even if it’s a woman, a paranoid partner, in my experience, would have an issue with having a new unvetted ‘friend’ round.

I agree!
How bloody rude!
No wonder you were uncomfortable. People have no idea.
Poor you, must've felt twice as long!

You've misunderstood me - I'm not saying it's good, just that that's how it seems to be. I found it really striking that the way I would have guessed mixed groups of parents would interact wasn't actually how they did. I agree it's sexist in a way and I found it odd! But it felt exactly as though the unwritten rules had changed and the way I expected to mix wasn't the way it worked any more.

My gut feeling is there might be something going on that's to do with relationships and people being coupled up, so actually single dads, or two gay dads, possibly wouldn't find themselves on the opposite side of that divide to women in the same way dads in couples do.

The thing about a woman being invited to a 1:1 playdate in someone's home and her male other half turning up instead is a special case. There are enough women with bad experiences with men, and enough horrible partners and husbands who can be coercive and jealous and who would give a woman a hard time for having had someone male visit for two hours, that I don't think anyone should assume a last minute substitution with the dad instead must automatically be fine. It's just considerate. It shouldn't matter, but sometimes it does.

Of course YANBU. A heads up text was called for if they knew the child needed the parent to stay and they weren't just dropping off. It's a person's private home. Same would go for sending a nanny to stay without warning.

I think that's basic manners without the sensitivity to issues of male on female violence.

And to people saying it's your issue OP and you should just work on it... that type of work can take time. I hope you get some help OP, because the fear you're describing sounds awful to live with and you don't deserve that.

I guess life is full of surprises which keep us on our toes.

TBH I would find a stranger (male or female) a tad awkward. All the play meet ups I took DS on were with mums I had got to know a bit first. Playdates usually meant a drop off.

You are being totally unreasonable here.

Even though my DH is the complete opposite of my past, trusting and never paranoid or accusatory, the trauma from my past relationship lingers. Years later, it still shapes my behaviour: I avoid eye contact with other men on the street, I always sit facing the wall in restaurants to avoid being accused looking at other diners, etc.

This “previous programming” can persist even in healthy couples with no outward issues, hidden. Even if you know the couple, a quick text before hand is the right thing to do so they can decide whether to make adjustments or invite the stranger in. Or they can simply mention it to their partner for their own leave of mind (even if it’s not needed or expected).

A woman in this situation might feel deep discomfort around other men, not from fear of assault or unwanted advances, but from anxiety over explaining innocent interactions to her partner when he gets home, even if no explanation is needed.

Play dates with 5 year olds is generally really awkward. Some children aren’t comfortable or old enough to be left in new environments and sometimes you don’t know the other parent well enough to trust them with a drop off play date.

I would stick to park or soft play play dates until they’re a bit older if this interaction was too awkward for you. I would have also found it difficult to make small talk for that long - whether it was the mum or dad.

Why didn't you just say ' thanks for dropping her off what time will you be back to collect her?' why invite him in to sit for 2 hours? Next time when you arrange a playdate at yours make it clear in the arrangements you don't expect the parents to stay & agree a pick up time so you have child ready with shoes & coat on at the door so parents don't have to come in.

She did and the dad said he wanted to stay as the child was nervous about not having a parent there. And the OP invited the mum partly as she felt they got on well so she was expecting to get to know the mum a bit better. It seemed like an invitation to the mum and the daughter. From what the OP has said in updates anyway.

Bollox to that.
NO random bloke would have got through my door.

He's coming so that his child and your child can play, not to rummage through your underwear drawer 🙄 he's not a cold caller.

I like many men a lot. However, over the years in my very comfortable middle class life I have been sexually assaulted, hit hard enough to bruise (by random man in street for no reason), sexually harassed on many occasions ( once by man dressed as woman in public lavatory) and been patronised on numerous occasions. I have also observed my schoolgirl daughters been letched over and shouted at from passing cars. These are common occurrences for most women.

The perpetrators of the above abuse were all men. The statistics tell us that the overwhelming majority of sexual and violent crime is committed by males.

It is therefore unfathomable to me that I would not be wary of being alone with men I don’t know or not advise my daughters to be cautious too

You know that how?
Because no married men are out and out weirdos or predators right?

Because you're sat in the same room as him while the kids play? What's he going to do, teleport??

But as I said originally, if that was the reason you cancelled the playdate I wouldn't rearrange it. So you do you.

I think it was rude if her not to text you and let you know, especially as you invited her for a coffee as well rather than just phrasing it as a play date. I would have hated it as well.

Luckily my kids are now adults- there never seemed to be a need for parents to hover over their kids or send random blokes along to play dates when they were young...

There's no way would I ever have had a random bloke that I'd never met before in my house. He could literally do whatever he wanted behind closed doors.

Are you all insane?

I think some women on here may not see the world in the same way as some of us do (or they don’t believe the stats) Sarah Everard was raped and murdered by a married, father of 2 police officer. There are sooo many examples but we all seem to forget this as long as it’s not front page news. It’s perfectly reasonable to not want a man you don’t know in your home, OP should have been given the opportunity to reschedule.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all, it’s your home and safe space, you prepared for one situation and got another.
Mum should definitely have done the reasonable thing to say “I can’t make it today as too unwell and don’t want to share my germs but DD can still make it, expect Dad to come but of course if it’s not suitable then we can rearrange” It’s just good manners

OP states in her updates she offered for him to leave the child and he said the child was nervous so he wanted to stay with her. OP invited the mother for coffee and the children to play, it was meant to be a social occasion for all four of them.

I was trying to act normal but was preparing for him to attack at any moment. I wouldn't turn my back on him for a second and at one point even walked backwards towards the coffee machine I was trying to look nonchalant but I'm sure i actually looked like a total lunatic

Please see your GP for some help - you can't go through life like this. How do you work or interact with people on a day to day basis?

Look I was the victim of an extremely violent attack at the hands of a man relatively recently (within the last 2 years) this attack nearly killed me so forgive me if I'm triggered by unexpecadly having a strange male in my home. I had a therapy session afterwards and I'm handling it.

How do I work or interact with people on a daily basis?

Well I have worked extremely hard with my GP and therapist to get the point that i can hold down a job and interact with people, but every so often I will be triggered by flashbacks and panic. That is not my fault. There is no amount of drugs or counselling that can "fix" a trauma completely so I am still a work in progress but im doing my best give me a break.

Oh totally OP, next time he should probably send a formal memo, a carrier pigeon, and maybe a PowerPoint presentation titled “Why Dad Will Be Doing Drop Off”. Because obviously no father should ever dare show up to a playdate without at least three weeks’ notice and your written approval. Absolutely scandalous behaviour.

Sorry for your troubles, but how on earth do you expect this couple to know all that ? And you have the gall to call them rude when instead of cancelling the playdate they made adjustments to still go ahead so they children could play together.
You are being utterly unreasonable.