To think that it's a bit rude that the dad turned up to playdate instead of mum

[Zscalent]

I am a single mum and have a 5 year old DD, she has made friends with another little girl in her class. My daughter was begging me since the start of September to organise a playdate so I got talking to the mum at the school gates last week and invited her and her daughter over to ours for a playdate on Saturday.
Saturday afternoon the child turned up at my door with her dad who explained that his wife was unwell. I felt wildly uncomfortable sitting there with a strange man in my house (I had literally never met him before). He was a nice man, but due to a previous trauma I generally try to not be alone with men especially behind closed doors and I found the 2 hours to be unbearably awkward and triggering.
Of course this family wouldn't know that about me and there was certainly no ill intent from them. The kids had a great time so I guess that's all that mattered but I just feel like if the mum couldn't make it to the playdate the right thing to do would be to give me a heads up that her husband was attending instead (in which case I could have suggested rescheduling or moving the location to a soft play or somewhere more private).
Aibu?

You can’t wish dads did more parenting AND then not let them do play dates!!

Can’t believe how sexist people are being.

I’m sorry you had a bad experience with a man/men, but it wasn’t this man.

I’d have dropped you a message to let you know but I don’t think this is very unreasonable.

If a mums husband turned up for an afternoon behind closed doors at my house like this I would be very very uncomfortable. I have no previous bad experience fortunately but do have a lot of good friends and had many school mum friends when the kids were little . There is no way any of my friends would just send a husband instead to a home invitation for just the two of us . This wasn’t a party or a venue. I would have politely said no thank you I’ve never met you but thank you.

For goodness sake, it isn’t sexism for a woman to be more cautious about being alone with a strange man than another woman. It’s reality, it’s common sense and it’s entirely reasonable. Men as a class pose infinitely more risk to women than the other way around. It’s not mere chance that so many women - including OP - have had traumatic experiences with abusive men. It’s because there are so many of them, and having a child doesn’t remove the risk.

I'm not shitting on this dad, like I said I think he was a lovely guy. He was nothing but polite to me and is clearly a very loving and involved dad. My issue was them not letting me know in advance that it was the father I had never met coming to my house and not the mother who I have gotten to know at the school gates.
I've seen this mother today at pickup and she was apologetic about not being able to make it and still sounded a bit stuffy and hoarse so clearly she was unwell. There's no bad feeling really.... I suppose I just wanted to see if it was trauma informing my reaction or if it was a legitimate grievance and it seems to be likely the former. I will probably only do playdates in more public places or make it clear from beginning that its a drop and go situation. But maybe this thread will make others in a similar situation think twice and just send a text to give the other mother a heads up.... noone wants to unnecessarily trigger a victim of violence and a text is such an easy thing to do

What would you do if your child’s best friend was a single dad or a gay couple? Would you just not have play dates?

As I said previously I would happily do playdates in a public place until I got to know them better. My issue is being alone with men that I don't know.
If I need a plumber or electrician I will ask a friend or my dad to come over to stay with me while they are there. They understand my history and would usually offer before i even have to ask.

I'm sorry you've had a traumatic experience but that you and the kids still had a nice time. But respectfully, I wouldn't leave such a small child with you or anyone else who I've only met a few times at school gates. It's a safeguarding issue, and if I had been the dad I definitely would have insisted on staying.

My 80's/90's upbringing didn't allow for these situations. It was a simple drop and go. Not sure why parents have to be so involved these days?

Alright. Of course safeguarding is paramount. This is not a sleepover though. It's a couple of hours in the day, if I read it correctly just with OP and her child.

By this logic then, the dad has absolutely no choice but to stay in OPs house in case someone in the house (presumably OP,) is going to assault his child, and OP then has to sit there anxiously because a man she doesn't know is sitting in her house. Of course, there IS the possibility that this dad is an abuser or a creep himself, which is why OP is uncomfortable with him being there in the first place. But she can't suggest he drops his child off because of the risk to that child. If this is currently the way things work, she just has to put up with the dad there or cancel the playdate.

Unknown single dad in my house for the first time - yes I’d be wary.
Gay dad - far less wary.

Until you get to know anyone, even women, it would be awkward to have a stranger in your house for the first time.

I know my DH is an absolute trustworthy gentleman but no way would I send him to surprise some random mum I only knew from school gates. It’s about emotional intelligence and understanding that most normal women would feel vulnerable and quite guarded to spend a time in their home alone with a man they don’t know.

I don’t know why this is hard for people to understand! 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think the start of drop off play dates was one of my best days. I honestly wouldn’t have minded - equally awkward for me making conversation with any sort of parent. It’s only through various Mumsnet posts that I saw I might have really upset people that sometimes my husband would be home for a play date and I’d be out - or he’d bring someone to a party or whatever. I always considered the invite to anything to be for the child, and then if an adult was around it was not the central part of the plan so it was irrelevant which one of us it was.

so no. This wouldn’t bother me any more than any other forced socialising but I don’t have that sort of trauma so appreciate it’s very different.

In both situations the man is being entitled though. Firstly entitled not to have to look after his own children and the entitled to turn up uninvited to a woman’s house and not consider that she might not like it.

YANBU op

How is he not looking after his own child?

I meant to vote YANBU but my fat thumbs selected YABU, sorry. In those circumstances I think the mum should have given you a heads up and a chance to cancel. I know the date is for the children but if the parent is staying it was definitely weird that she would send her husband when it is she who knows you. If she was feeling unwell she probably just wanted them both out of the house!!

Even if you take the man out of the equation and replace him with a female stranger, I’d feel the same way. If she didn’t communicate beforehand and sent her sister instead, I’d still be annoyed. You’re being asked to entertain a complete stranger in your own home for two hours with no prior warning. As a previous poster said, it comes down to emotional intelligence, basic communication, and respect.

I would've been really annoyed. I do not understand at all everyone saying it is for the kids. Mine are preschool age so there is no question that parents stay, but I only arrange playdates with mothers I like. That's how they have become my friends. It's a social thing for me as much as the kids. More, really! I would've made polite conversation with the dad but I do agree you should've been given a warning. I think for people who have ever been through trauma it just doesn't enter their head that it could be a problem.
Did you get on with the dad? Was it excruciating or actually an ok conversation?

I agree with you op. A heads up is quite a normal thing to do when plans change. Weird that others wouldn’t do that.

.....or what if the husband were a vampire and was asleep in a coffin in the dining room? Or what if the house were a portal to another dimension and was triggered open by aftershave? Or what if we didn't just make stuff up that has nothing to do with the original post but tried to stick to what we actually know because that's what the question's about?

It was excruciating but mostly because of me not him. He was trying to make polite conversation and I was trying to act normal but was preparing for him to attack at any moment. I wouldn't turn my back on him for a second and at one point even walked backwards towards the coffee machine I was trying to look nonchalant but I'm sure i actually looked like a total lunatic. It's funny now but at the time it was terrifying.

The point is, nobody really knows what someone’s home situation is like behind closed doors. So it seems thoughtless to send in a stranger without any warning. So it does related to the question and it is a perfectly valid point to consider.

Well done for getting through it.
Do you know the mum well enough to let her know how it made you feel?
She almost certainly genuinely has no idea and wouldn't have occurred to her it would be difficult for some people.

OP isn't unreasonable to find it awkward in her own personal circumstances.

But I wouldn't warn another mum because DH and I are very much equal parents, and sometimes he takes the kids to stuff, and sometimes I do.
Does that mean a child of a single dad or two gay men can never come accompanied for a playdate?

Is it THAT wildly terrible (IF you don't have past trauma) to have to talk to a man for the duration of a playdate especially if you would have been happy to talk to a woman. I feel like I've entered some parallel gender world of gender segregation and unspoken rules rather than Great Britain in the 21st century.

I also wonder what the responses would be if a hijabi mum had refused a play date with a baby with just a dad (or two dads) because she didn't want to socially interact with a strange man. There would be all sorts of calls to 'integrate and assimilate with British culture...'

I think there are many women who would feel uncomfortable at a strange man unexpectedly coming into their home.
We tell women all the time not to meet strangers from dating sites at their home and instead in a public coffee shop etc.
This is for good reason.
Men pose a risk to women, and 1 in 4 women have been the victim of an assault by a man.

Knowledge is everything, if I was aware that the child was being accompanied by a man (whether it was a married dad single dad or gay dad) it wouldn't have been an issue because I could prepare accordingly. I would have asked a family member to stay with me or I would have moved the meeting to a more public setting.

For me there is a huge difference between an invitation to your home and an arrangement to meet for a playdate in a public space. If I invited a child and their mum to my home for a playdate (not a drop off) then I'd expect the people I invited to attend. There would be no need for me to explain that I was cautious around men I dont know, or I have religious requirements around who I am alone with (I have neither of these BTW, just giving examples) because I have issued an invitation to the people I'm expecting to attend. It's all very well saying that in your family you don't do gendered parenting etc etc - that's irrelevant really. It's about respecting other people's private space. If I invited a mum and her child for a playdate and then said child turned up with her nan instead I'd also be a bit miffed not to be given a heads up. When it's in your home they are your guest, even if the arrangement is really for the kids. There's an obligation to talk and 'entertain' in a way there wouldn't be if you were just at the playground. So as the guest, do the courteous thing and let your host know if plans have changed.