Son won't help me post surgery

[Silentlysinging]

I've been waiting for quite some time to have a hysterectomy. I am in desperate need and have purposely avoided it for years, due to having a DD at home (now aged 10). I cannot put it off any longer and have finally been given a date. I obviously will be off my feet for a couple of weeks and so my concern is getting my DD back and forth to school.

Unfortunately for us, I don't have a support network in place to help, hence why I've put this off for so long. I don't have siblings, my parents are not nice people and so we have no contact, my friends have their own children to care for and jobs to get to, my neighbours aren't the sort to help out and my ex husband works abroad most of the year.

My son (aged 21) lives around an hour and 20 minutes away from home. He's away at uni at the moment and is a fully dedicated student. He's only in uni 2 days a week and currently hasn't got a job. He enjoys spending a lot of time in libraries and coffee shops, much more grand and elaborate than the ones we have at home. He loves his life away from home and I'm so very happy for him, as well as immensely proud of the life he's created for himself.

The thing that has hurt me the most throughout this entire process is, my son is aware I have no support network at home. He has seen me suffer for years, despite me trying my best not to make a big deal out of things, to avoid upsetting my children. I have dragged myself to be a mother and work full time to provide while I've literally been wearing double pads and underwear. He obviously doesn't know the full ins and outs, but is aware I've had issues that affect my daily life. He's aware I'm going for my op and will have no one to help and hasn't at all offended to come home for a week to help his DS.

Believe me when I say I am more than ok to try myself and may even have to just keep her off a week and home educate her, but am I being unreasonable to be hurt that he won't even offer to help me after quite a big op? I was in hospital for a week two years ago and he came to visit me once, while hungover and slept in the chair. I just feel perhaps I've given my all to the extent I've belittled my own worth and worthiness of being cared for, by someone I've moved heaven and earth to support. Perhaps I'm just a bit sensitive and nervous.

If I heard that there was someone local to me who needed this help then I absolutely would offer it. I actually quite like taking my friends children to school.as it helps my two get ready a bit quicker! I hope the school can offer some advice. I have heard that hysterectomy recovery can be hard going so I hope you do get help and the time and rest and that you feel a whole lot better soon .

Op, school may prefer kids to be picked up but at 10yrs old they cannot enforce it. Just tell them she'll be walking to and from school, herself.

Get the freezer stocked up with meals. You shouldn't need him to help at all. I had major surgery when one dc was 5, barring school parents helping with the school run as the dc were obviously too young to go themselves we all managed fine without another adult at home as dh worked odd hours.

For a maximum of two weeks? And he’s only and hour away. Come on.

He’s only in university two days per week. It’s only one hour away. Some level of help is possible without jeopardising his degree.

It sounds as if he will be giving "some level of help".

She can ask hospital about free reablement PoC for self care, shopping and chores. Flag up to hospital they assess prior to discharged

We only have OP’s word for this. It’s totally possible he prefers to study in a coffee shop.

I was 10 when my mum had a hysterectomy and our neighbours did help when my dad was at work. My dad was around, which obviously made a big difference.

But OP, while I can understand you thinking your son is being selfish - the actual responsibility here is with your daughter's father. HE should be making arrangements to look after HIS child - if he can't do it, he should be finding someone who can. It's not really a sibling's responsibility.

Is there a class whatsapp group? Or a local Facebook group? I wasn't one who had loads of mum friends but if I had been in your situation I would have absolutely have posted and asked for help.

Edited: if the school is close by I can't see why your dd can't walk (and no, the school cannot insist that she is collected by you - they can moan and report to social services all they like - if you believe it is safe for her to walk home, she can walk home).

It's more complicated than that. The OP has stated that the father is abroad.

He said he knew this was coming and doesn't want to miss his lectures but had agreed to come and have DD on the day of my operation which is something

If you're still reading I thought you said he's only at Uni 2 days a week and doesn't have a job @Silentlysinging ... in which case what's to stop him helping out for the other 3 days?

Which, judging by her previous experience, wasn’t much!

Quite.

Anyway it's not up to them.

This thread is bonkers. The drama of OP's son having his entire future jeopardised by moving home for a few days to help walk his sister to school! and a whole hour away from university!! Plus all those coffees he's going to miss, poor him.
Let's hope he never needs to go to hospital for an operation, the OP might have some knitting classes to attend to.

If he's overseas, he should be making sure there are emergency arrangements in place for his dd, in case the OP had a car accident or was seriously ill.

It is not the son's responsibility - why should be bail out his parents when they had another child when he was quite old and then split up and didn't build a support network?

Obviously he should help for a couple of days when the OP is in hospital if there is nobody else, but otherwise, the ex-DH needs to sort something out.

I've read all of the OPs posts and don't understand why she would be given a hard time. Her son is an adult and although he isn't obliged to help, imo anybody with some common decency and compassion would want to help.

You should not be made to feel bad for having an op that you need and asking your son for some help for the day of the op and for sometime after that too. I'm glad you asked him and that he will help for the day. It's sad that he hasn't offered more than that, as you may need him to stay over night if you are not discharged the same day.

I hope your op goes well and he offers you some more help.

Again, why is it down to the son and not the father?

The son wasn't the one who couldn't keep it in his pants, or stay in a relationship with the mother of his dd.

YANBU

I was actually expecting to say YABU but if he’s only in uni for 2 days a week then he will barely miss anything.

It would be unfortunate if it fell on a uni day but it’s not like his uni is hours away and could potentially still make most of his lectures for those 2 days.
I travel that distance to work every day. Most people do an hour commute.

Of course if you expected him to do it for weeks then it would be unreasonable but a few days is not a big ask in the grand scheme of things.

If he really didn’t want to miss the 2 uni days then I’d be saddened that he hasn’t offered to help on the other 3 days to get her to school and back.

Can her dad not take annual leave to look after her?

I do wonder if your son perhaps feels like you rely on him a bit too much.
He is not your partner or DDs dad and maybe he feels like because there’s such a big age gap between him and DD that he has been expected to parent more than he should.

I still don’t think YABU though.

i have just had a full robotic hysterectomy, the easier of the methods). I was in hospital for two nights (not allowed to leave until you have peed 200ml and it’s clear!) and I couldn’t move/walk easily for a week. It was another 3 weeks before I felt my mobility properly returning . 7 weeks and I am back at work. I also had to have daily injections instead of surgical/flight socks as this hospital doesn’t do them anymore. That was not great. I appreciate everyone recovers at a different rate but don’t underestimate how tired you’ll feel.

What he "prefers" is irrelevant when his mother is having abdominal surgery.

I imagine it’s not easy to coordinate care when you’re working abroad. If the son can’t put himself out for a few days, he is lazy and selfish.

Are you sure you can ‘parentify’ a 21-year-old by asking them to help out for a max of two weeks? It makes the term meaningless for those actual children who really are parentified.

And failing the entire year? Talk about catastrophising.

He won't need to miss his studies and move back home. The op will manage fine, the dd is 10 not 2.

It is always worth remembering when our kids are young to male the effort to meet and network with other parents so in situations like this favours can be asked. It is unusual that a 10yr old hasn't got any school friends that the op could ask the parents to help if school really won't let a 10 yr old walk home alone.

The days of people being bedbound and immobile for weeks post op are long gone.
She'll be up, mobile and fine. Tired yes but can rest all day while the dd is at school.

Once again an absolutely bats* crazy thread.

OP of you are still here, there is nothing wrong with asking you own son to help you for a few days while you recover from surgery. I would expect that he would want to help you, it's called family. Families and friends help each other out when needed. You are not asking for much at all, and it certainly isn't going to jeapordise his degree or parentify him to look after his sister for a few days.

I am sorry you have been treated poorly on here, you don't deserve it.

More an more I am astounded at the complete lack of empathy from many posters on these threads.

I imagine it’s not easy to coordinate care when you’re working abroad.

How convenient for him.

We don’t know how far away the school is. If it means a long home walk in the dark, no that is not satisfactory. Yes the 10 year old can help her mum a bit, simple meals, sorting washing, hoovering etc but she has school work to do , plus she will be tired too. How can you say the OP will manage fine? Experiences of major surgery are very different. She will definitely need help for a while.