Son won't help me post surgery

[Silentlysinging]

I've been waiting for quite some time to have a hysterectomy. I am in desperate need and have purposely avoided it for years, due to having a DD at home (now aged 10). I cannot put it off any longer and have finally been given a date. I obviously will be off my feet for a couple of weeks and so my concern is getting my DD back and forth to school.

Unfortunately for us, I don't have a support network in place to help, hence why I've put this off for so long. I don't have siblings, my parents are not nice people and so we have no contact, my friends have their own children to care for and jobs to get to, my neighbours aren't the sort to help out and my ex husband works abroad most of the year.

My son (aged 21) lives around an hour and 20 minutes away from home. He's away at uni at the moment and is a fully dedicated student. He's only in uni 2 days a week and currently hasn't got a job. He enjoys spending a lot of time in libraries and coffee shops, much more grand and elaborate than the ones we have at home. He loves his life away from home and I'm so very happy for him, as well as immensely proud of the life he's created for himself.

The thing that has hurt me the most throughout this entire process is, my son is aware I have no support network at home. He has seen me suffer for years, despite me trying my best not to make a big deal out of things, to avoid upsetting my children. I have dragged myself to be a mother and work full time to provide while I've literally been wearing double pads and underwear. He obviously doesn't know the full ins and outs, but is aware I've had issues that affect my daily life. He's aware I'm going for my op and will have no one to help and hasn't at all offended to come home for a week to help his DS.

Believe me when I say I am more than ok to try myself and may even have to just keep her off a week and home educate her, but am I being unreasonable to be hurt that he won't even offer to help me after quite a big op? I was in hospital for a week two years ago and he came to visit me once, while hungover and slept in the chair. I just feel perhaps I've given my all to the extent I've belittled my own worth and worthiness of being cared for, by someone I've moved heaven and earth to support. Perhaps I'm just a bit sensitive and nervous.

I may just cancel and wait until DD is older. I've done it for 7 years

Why didn't you have it done four years ago when your son was presumably a sixth former living at home?

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask your son to come home for a few days, but your posts come across as very, very martyr-like, right down to your description of your son's life at university.

He is a young man with no children. You need to ask him. I had a brother 10 years younger than me, I love him to bits. Always have and I loved looking after him. I don't think it would have ever occurred to me at that age that my parents needed help when they hadn't asked though. I think it's pretty normal for young people to not take the initiative when it comes to their parents, we're used to just taking the parents lead.

I know things are different now but am still amazed at some of the responses on here. I unfortunately have recent bad health - diagnosed with cancer of small bowel in 2023. Had to retire I was 71 but didn't intend to retire but knew I would need time off work and did not want to tell the people I worked with about my illness - I have heard their discussions about other people's illnesses, misfortunes etc and did not want to give then lunchtime news fodder. Not working is bad enough as I have always worked since age of 16, it is the after effects of the disease that is one of the reasons for my getting more fed up than maybe I should. The operation/disease who knows? has left me with severe food intolerances I never had before and severe bile malabsorption. I also very recently collapsed with Kidney stones and when they scanned etc they found lesions on my lungs. Had all sorts of tests but unable to get a Bioposy. I live alone and have no-one to look after my 2 dogs or 2 cats so was terrified as to what I would do as it was only a week later they wanted me in for the Bioposy and you have to have somepne to take you home and stay with you. They call the person to the Ward to ensure it is a real person and you are just not making it up to get discharged. Anyway a colleague I still keep in touch with from a previous job said they would come to the hospital and offer to stay over. They didn't physically have to I would not make anyone stay, just say they would so I could go home. Anyway I rang them 7.30 the night before to remind them and they said they would be there. On the morning I rang to say I was going and should be going home at around 1pm so they knew when to come and pick me up for staff to check I had someone to take me home. My friend of 30 years then said his wife was not feeling well as she had flashing lights in her eyes. He had rang the hospital and they told him to take her to GP so he could not come up to hospital with me. I could have passed out with the shock and he said well "you didn't ring until the middle of the night" I reminded him it was 7.30pm hardly the middle of the night when he stays up until the early hours every night and I think he was just very very tired and possibly stressed but nonetheless I had to cancel my Bioposy as I had to explain to the hospital that there was no one to take me home and stay if I needed them to and as I knew they would, but I argued anyway, they refused to let me go home alone so I had to cancel the procedure so felt very guilty. Later that day needing someone to talk to, I got in touch with someone I used to work with 6 years ago, who now lives at the other end of the country in London and we regularly keep in touch but it had been a few months and what a star - she told me to phone her the minute I got offered another date which I did and she came down to where I live in the North East and to the hospital and also helped out for days shopping etc. I have other procedures but cannot expect her to do that again. That is why I worry about people who have sons and daughter but are either frightened to ask for fear of the rejection of their offspring to help or because they feel they are imposing on their children. When my parents were alive I always knew if they needed help - they didn't need to ask. I don't have children so it makes no odds but I dread the next call to hospital as what am I supposed to do with my animals at short notice. If I have plenty of notice then I can try and get them boarded out with professionals but the NHS give out appts as to how serious the illness or need for tests and is often random. Sometimes you can wait months other times they have wanted me to stay and have a procedure carried out there and then and luckily my animals have already been in boarding and so I have manged to ring and ask to keep a week longer. I'm worried now knowing any time soon I will get a letter to go in again. Sorry to waffle on but reading OP's story reminds me how alone and vulnerable I am in regard to needing help sometimes.

I would also add that just because he only has lectures two days a week, that really doesn't mean he's just relaxing at leisure for the rest of the days. I had an entire term of my degree when I only had to be in actual lectures/classes for three hours per week. I still needed access to the university library and facilities every day to get my work done, though.

Don’t cancel, you muppet! Honestly, OP this is ridiculous. You shouldn’t feel guilty even slightly for asking your son and frankly, any hint of resistance would have me reading him the riot act. Stop being such a wet blanket and tell him you raised him better than this and guilt him into doing it. Of course he doesn’t want to - he’s 21 and selfish but sometimes you’ve got to step up for family and that time is now.

@Alwaysalert I totally get it - I'm 65 and have no immediate family.

I’d be disappointed too if that’s all my son could do, one day and complaining about it. Do ask the school, they may be able to help. I understand your problem as I had many surgeries / procedures when mine were little and with no family and an ex who works overseas it was not easy. If you’re in CR3 - drop me a message. I’d help anyone in this kind of situation (now wait for them all to come at me and accuse me of kidnapping kids). Ignore the comments, women on here would argue black is white. Alright to judge when not in your shoes. Don’t put it off any longer OP. Good luck

I’m really going to keep emphasising this free reablement CarePackage
Let assessor know there are no adults in house, you need a temporary PoC post surgery
Do not postpone with plan to make daughter a carer in future. Plan the after care inc POC or DH take leave and return home

Have you asked him to come and stay and help? Or even told him rather than ask. I need you to come and help while I recover. Its a shame he is so oblivious.

In fairness, from the friends I know who had hysterectomies due to that level of suffering and pain, it could be that as soon as you wake up, the pain is 'nothing' - one friend said she felt so much better, she wanted to jog home from the hospital and another said she didn't really need pain relief because it was so much less painful than what she felt all day, every day, never mind when she was at her worst.

Obviously, they are extreme examples of how positively life changing a hysterectomy can be immediately, but it could be that your post op recovery is far less challenging that you anticipate.

I have a friend who had to have one at 31 due to endo and she said similar. She said that she didnt realise how much pain she was putting up with day to day until after her op. She said it was a real shock to realise just how ill she had been without realising it, especially as her mother and her friends who had been through the op all warned that she would be feeling rough for a good few weeks. In comparison to before, she felt amazing.

It actually made her really angry that she had had to fight for so long for it with the usual "All women get period pain and just get on with it" fob off for fucking years.

'Experiences of major surgery are very different. She will definitely need help for a while.'

Why? If she is normally fit and well she won't need help at all. I'm not saying she won't be tired but she won't need another adult to care for her or a 10yr old.

You get stocked up with supplies and keep mobile with plenty of rest.

Hope I never encounter such hard attitudes if I am ever on my own and need help! From experience, and being a nurse I would not have got through the post op without a bit of practical help and TLC.

Can you meal prep now so you’ve got easy food to to cook for the first couple of weeks post op?
I think you need to ask your son directly if he can help but be prepared for a no since he seems pretty self centred.
I would speak to your daughters school as they might be able to point you in the direction of help. Can you also look at childminders / responsible teenagers to do pick up and drop off for school?
Have you got anything sorted for the day of the operation? If you have any complications and have to stay overnight at hospital who will care for your daughter?
Does your daughter not have a friend she could have a sleep over at?
if you don’t have something sorted and can’t pick her up from school they will have to call social services which is something you want to avoid

I'm sorry you've received hate on this thread - I'm baffled by it too. You are not being unreasonable, and he should've offered. I would be hurt too.

What course is he doing? If he tells the uni in advance, I imagine arrangements can be made to get him lecture notes or even a recording of the lecture. If he was ill himself, would he still go to his lecture? How many lectures are we talking about missing here? He is really not that far away - people commute further than that for work, so he could still make later morning ones.

I don't think you're leaning on him unduly by asking for help with his little sister as a one off after you've had badly needed surgery.

I do wonder if he's a bit scared of the whole thing - coming face to face with his Mum's health / mortality? So he wants to ignore it as far as possible?

Why haven't you asked?

Best of luck with your op.

Speak to school about your daughter, they might be able to help.

I have a life limiting illness and very occasionally I cannot leave the house due to how unwell I am. In the past a teacher has come and collected / dropped my children off for me

Some schools also go and collect children who refuse to go to school ect so its not an unheard of thing x

I think that sounds worse than usual. What would happen to a single person in her shoes?

I do know someone who said it genuinely does take six weeks to get better enough to go back to work, but another friend has been told by the doc that she'd be fine after two weeks (keyhole in both cases). There seems to be quite a variety.

No, no, no @Silentlysinging do not cancel. Do not! Asking your son to help for one day is nothing - if this had been my mum i would have happily taken a week out of uni to help. Get your op done, ask him to stay overnight as you'll be out of it with the drugs and he will need to listen out for his sister, then head back to uni the following morning. Can you ask the hospital if it's possible to arrange any support for you post op eg carers? I know that is hard at the best of times but perhaps worth an ask anyway.

He’s at uni 2 days a week, it’s hardly disrupting his education should he be home for a week. He could do both weekends either side. I’d be having serious words with him, it’s really poor that he’s coming for one day! Is he expecting to be home at all for Christmas? Because if so, that would be very hard to swallow!

I wouldn't feel bad about asking the other school mums for some help, if someone asked me this I'd be happy to help out for a couple of weeks , the school might know of someone to help as well and home start might be able to help you

"have you actually done a degree?? no one is gonna fail a degree because they miss a couple of lectures! "

That's what I was thinking, but I did an arts subject in the free and easy 90s...

OP who is going to look after your DD whilst you are in hospital?

Does she see her dad?

I would be more concerned about how long you’re in hospital and who’s going to look after her then - I think her dad needs to take AL.

I would clean, do all the laundry and stock up on ready meals and snacks etc before going in and then just do the bare minimum for the next couple of weeks - if DD has to miss a few days off school, then so be it.

I am sure one of the parents or TAs go your way and wouldn’t mind taking her.
Perhaps a teen who you could pay just to take her and pick her up.

But I wouldn’t even worry about her school right now.
Focus on your hospital stay and how you’re going to manage that.

Ask him to stay the night of the operation as well

But why can't he do his essays from OP's home? He only has the daughter to school and help OP with lifting heavy things, in principle.