Son won't help me post surgery

[Silentlysinging]

I've been waiting for quite some time to have a hysterectomy. I am in desperate need and have purposely avoided it for years, due to having a DD at home (now aged 10). I cannot put it off any longer and have finally been given a date. I obviously will be off my feet for a couple of weeks and so my concern is getting my DD back and forth to school.

Unfortunately for us, I don't have a support network in place to help, hence why I've put this off for so long. I don't have siblings, my parents are not nice people and so we have no contact, my friends have their own children to care for and jobs to get to, my neighbours aren't the sort to help out and my ex husband works abroad most of the year.

My son (aged 21) lives around an hour and 20 minutes away from home. He's away at uni at the moment and is a fully dedicated student. He's only in uni 2 days a week and currently hasn't got a job. He enjoys spending a lot of time in libraries and coffee shops, much more grand and elaborate than the ones we have at home. He loves his life away from home and I'm so very happy for him, as well as immensely proud of the life he's created for himself.

The thing that has hurt me the most throughout this entire process is, my son is aware I have no support network at home. He has seen me suffer for years, despite me trying my best not to make a big deal out of things, to avoid upsetting my children. I have dragged myself to be a mother and work full time to provide while I've literally been wearing double pads and underwear. He obviously doesn't know the full ins and outs, but is aware I've had issues that affect my daily life. He's aware I'm going for my op and will have no one to help and hasn't at all offended to come home for a week to help his DS.

Believe me when I say I am more than ok to try myself and may even have to just keep her off a week and home educate her, but am I being unreasonable to be hurt that he won't even offer to help me after quite a big op? I was in hospital for a week two years ago and he came to visit me once, while hungover and slept in the chair. I just feel perhaps I've given my all to the extent I've belittled my own worth and worthiness of being cared for, by someone I've moved heaven and earth to support. Perhaps I'm just a bit sensitive and nervous.

Getting up and walking is encouraged post surgery.

I would say to the school that you will be having an operation and you are happy for your ten year old to walk to and from school for a week as a one off, whilst you recover.

If they say that only y6s can do this, then say you can't get her there so her attendance will be affected for 10 sessions. I can't imagine they'll want that to happen.

Come on. An entire term, perhaps. A week or two and he'd be fine.

If you didn’t have a 21 yr old son OP
What would you do?

Yes. Very much so. Lifting no. But gentle walking yes.

It might be scary before going in, trepidation. You absolutely can do it.

You need to have a frank conversation with him. Explaining in straight forward terms how you will need his help.
Hes 21 he won’t know. You need to tell him.

The mantra that I used to see all over Reddit - hoping for a bit of help from an adult child was 'parentification'.

My late husband had a stroke which left him with hemiparesis. At one point, I was caring for my mother (who had dementia), my husband and working full time. My mum died 5 years before my husband.

At the point where it was only the two of us, I developed medical issues - some gynae (which I put off seeing about) but also a kidney problem.

I had to 'wait and see' - the protocol was: test; re-test after a fortnight; re-test after three months.

DH had two adult children, one of whom wasn't working - she'd done very well workwise and had been able to take very early retirement. She had one child who was a teenager at the time that I mention.

There was never any offer of help from either of the kids. Fair enough - they had their own lives. However, when I realised that I might be on the way out, I phoned the daughter to say that if anything happened to me, they'd need to put care in place for their dad. That's all. I didn't want them to do the caring - just to administer putting it in place if it came to that.

Her response? "You're not thinking of leaving him are you?"

I explained.

3 months later when I got the all-clear, I again reminded her that if anything happened to me, their dad would need care put in place. The response this time: "But you're all right, aren't you?"

It was the same when Dh or his ex were in hospital. Not one single visit from the daughter. The son visited once when Dh had his stroke.

In fact, when the ex needed a day procedure, I was the one who volunteered to take her. (Her partner had died a few months beforehand. She's currently with Man No. 4. I suspect that part of it is that she knows that she can't rely on her kids.)

Both kids purported to love their parents. I honestly think that they'd spent so much of their lives being propped up by their parents that they never ever expected to reciprocate in any way.

I honestly despair. When I was still teaching, I'd see teenagers who expected everything from their parents and grandparents but had no desire to give anything back.

That's also something that I see on Mumsnet - woe betide the grandmother who doesn't want to spend all of her latter years providing babysitting and monetary support to her offspring: there will always be someone who tells her that parents must always support their children, but that they cannot hope for any support from their children.

I think it's sad he won't help. I had emergency surgery a few months ago and my 21yo DS stayed with me every day that my partner had to work for 2 weeks afterwards, just so he could make sure I was ok and take his younger brother to school. He went home on DPs off days so he could work too.

Op, I know you say you don't know the mum's at the school well but please ask for help. I would happily help anyone in those circumstances whether I knew them well or not. You might be pleasantly surprised

Yes, absolutely. And the OP has been postponed this surgery for six years — that’s a long time during which it would have been possible to put some pre-arranged help in place, with school and individual friends etc being asked for manageable, specific bits of support, like a lift to and from school for the OP’s daughter for a specific day, as well as her son coming to take up some slack.

Of course I’m sympathetic to the OP, but it’s not as if this was a sudden emergency surgery. When you know you’re going to be out of action and have a dependent child at home, you need to be a bit pro-active in arranging support.

There is no reason a 10 year old would need to be lifted

The martyring attitude - it doesn't help at all. It will alienate your son I will promise you. You don't say the dad isn't available just that his job isn't compatable - but surely in the last seven years with co ordination you could have arranged it? As someone else has suggested, if you don't have a network that needs amending and effort putting into that - which you may not want to but it's for your child not for you.

It’s his final year. Even one week could do irreparable damage.

I had a hysterectomy last year, my dd was also away at uni and her sister (who lives at home) is severely autistic. I was worried about how I would cope. Luckily my dd got to school in a taxi. Maybe you could speak to the school and see if there’s a parent that would take her in for you?
I was driving again after 2 weeks, my surgery was done keyhole and my recovery was pretty good. I was cooking meals after a few days and managed to care for dd with minimal help from my DM (who would come over and do any lifting/putting shopping away). My dd came home from uni 3 weeks later as it was Easter holidays.

And for those saying it’s similar to a c-section…..it really isn’t. I was lucky to have a ok recovery but not everyone’s so lucky. The first 2 weeks you really do need to rest and if you have open surgery you can’t drive for quite a while.

Hope all goes ok for you OP.

I would reach out to school and ask for help with getting your daughter to and from school. On a practical level I’d prepare some meals that can be frozen so you don’t have to stand and cook for the first week or so. I’d get things like soup in for lunches. I’d arrange for some shopping deliveries, I think Ocado might be happy to put your shopping bags on a kitchen table so you won’t have to bend over to unpack it. You could ask for a friend or colleague to recommend a cleaner for a few weeks.

Ask hospital about a reablement package of care it’s free for @4 - 6week and gets you out of hospital, with a PoC in community eg self care ,laundry, chores. A SW or OT will need to assess you

He’s not going to fail if he misses a few lectures. I’m sure his tutors will be understanding if he explains. And most resources are online these days so he’ll still be able to complete work, as well chucking his poor mother a ready meal.

OP, is there a voluntary hospital to home scheme in your area? They provide support for people who need but more help, such as shopping, picking up prescriptions etc. All the best for your op and recovery.

I can’t believe what I have just read!
His mother is having an operation. He is needed to help out with his siblings. She’s not asking for a fucking kidney FFS.
Jesus OP. Your son needs a kick up the arse to make him step up.

If it's to get the daughter to & from school then ideally her dad would come over.

I don't really know why her brother is getting so much shit tbh.

He's over an hour away with commitments.

Maybe he's worried that he'll be asked to stay for a week or two "whilst he's there", so would rather narrow it down to as little as possible?

He’s a 21yr old bloke, you need to ask him outright, in fact tell him that you need his help on these days when he’s not got lectures and the days he has you need to pull in some favours from your DD’s friends to get her to/from school. Or stick her in a taxi if need be.

I think some have given the OP a very hard time and have been cold and lacking in empathy. I have had a TAH, and I certainly needed some TLC. Luckily I had family at home who could help with child care, house work and cooking. OP you will need rest , painkillers and a lot of help. You won’t be up to much for several weeks, especially if you don’t have it done laparoscopically. You won’t be able to lift and bend much, and you will need rest. Your son could put himself out a bit to help, if only for a short time. Have a word with your daughter’s teachers, neighbours etc. You might be surprised at how willing they are to help. Your daughter can help a bit with some household chores too.

OP is perfectly fine with the dad not being around because his “job doesn’t suit children”, but her son’s
lifestyle not being child friendly is apparently of no consequence to her

Could you try and contact a care agency, who can come and help for a few days, I’m sure they have clients that need this type of support. I remember my Mum was a home help, this was the type of thing she would do.

He’s only in university two days per week. It’s only one hour away. Some level of help is possible without jeopardising his degree.

Exactly. An hour's drive is nothing; for many people a normal commute. He can give up some of his coffee shop time to help his family.

But there’s housework, cooking and shopping etc to be done . If OP has open surgery she shouldn’t be lifting anything heavier than a filled kettle for a while. The area is sore and painful and movements such as lifting and stretching are restricted.