Son won't help me post surgery

[Silentlysinging]

I've been waiting for quite some time to have a hysterectomy. I am in desperate need and have purposely avoided it for years, due to having a DD at home (now aged 10). I cannot put it off any longer and have finally been given a date. I obviously will be off my feet for a couple of weeks and so my concern is getting my DD back and forth to school.

Unfortunately for us, I don't have a support network in place to help, hence why I've put this off for so long. I don't have siblings, my parents are not nice people and so we have no contact, my friends have their own children to care for and jobs to get to, my neighbours aren't the sort to help out and my ex husband works abroad most of the year.

My son (aged 21) lives around an hour and 20 minutes away from home. He's away at uni at the moment and is a fully dedicated student. He's only in uni 2 days a week and currently hasn't got a job. He enjoys spending a lot of time in libraries and coffee shops, much more grand and elaborate than the ones we have at home. He loves his life away from home and I'm so very happy for him, as well as immensely proud of the life he's created for himself.

The thing that has hurt me the most throughout this entire process is, my son is aware I have no support network at home. He has seen me suffer for years, despite me trying my best not to make a big deal out of things, to avoid upsetting my children. I have dragged myself to be a mother and work full time to provide while I've literally been wearing double pads and underwear. He obviously doesn't know the full ins and outs, but is aware I've had issues that affect my daily life. He's aware I'm going for my op and will have no one to help and hasn't at all offended to come home for a week to help his DS.

Believe me when I say I am more than ok to try myself and may even have to just keep her off a week and home educate her, but am I being unreasonable to be hurt that he won't even offer to help me after quite a big op? I was in hospital for a week two years ago and he came to visit me once, while hungover and slept in the chair. I just feel perhaps I've given my all to the extent I've belittled my own worth and worthiness of being cared for, by someone I've moved heaven and earth to support. Perhaps I'm just a bit sensitive and nervous.

Are you funding his life as a student in any way? If so, tell him you're going to need some help or the money will stop, end of. On the days he's in college, is there a taxi service locally that could take your daughter to school?

I have 3 at Uni and this isn’t the case
Resources are overwhelmingly in the library for the good stuff and students are not allowed to take a lot of books out. Especially specialist ones.
Group discussions with a tutor at this stage sre crucial for dissertations
Etc

Students aren’t sitting in their rooms at a computer all the time.

ive got three degrees. It’s not just the ability to take part remotely but the ability to study undisturbed, to set your own timetable and sometimes to let off steam by going out and getting pissed.

It's so obvious why you struggle to ask for help looking at some of these replies OP.
it just highlights the ignorance and lack of empathy for single parents.
not one person has even bothered to ask Who is looking after you? "
Instead your painted as a bad parent for even expecting some support from your son.
Then your met with the incredibly unhelpful "Oh my friend had the same operation and was up on her ladder cleaning the top Windows after digging the garden over and running a min marathon the day after."

Hopefully in real life you will be met with more compassion and understanding.
I am a lone parent and l would take a large step back if my son behaved the same, he would not see the same version of me again, for sure. Many students can access lectures from home, remote. It's no big deal.

Haven’t read the full thread so apologies I’ve this has been asked/answered but have you spoken to your daughters school.

If you explain the situation and the fact that you have literally no one to rely on they may be able to arrange temporary cover for getting your child to and from school.

The rest you could juggle by batch cooking before the operation so you have food ready to eat during recovery, you could search on websites like childcare.co.uk or use local facebook groups to put the feelers out for an extra pair of hands for a few evenings for the week or two after the operation. Someone who could just be around in the house to make sure your daughter eats, can bring you something too etc.

No he's not the parent or the partner - he's the son of the Mum who is going into hospital and the brother of the little girl who will need someone to look after her whilst her Mum is in hospital and for a time when she is discharged home as she will be unable to move around freely for a while. He is family. Isn't that what families do? Look after each other when they can. Am I missing something or is it a generational thing?

I've missed her being horrible?

Mmmmm I disagree with this. Assuming there aren’t major issues in the relationship that are causing him to go NC / LC then I think he is actually obligated to help his mother this one time when she really needs it. This lack of any sort of duty that children are raised to have these days is sad.

60 years ago 21 year olds had full time jobs and their own families, so they are more than capable of being responsible adults. They have been allowed to be children too long and certainly 21 year old men are treated with a “that’s just what they’re like” attitude.

Sorry OP, it’s a shame he isn’t more caring and you’re not BU for feeling upset about it. If I were you I would ask him outright for the help you need. If he refuses because he can’t take a week out of his fabulous life then you know where you stand.

I had a 21 year old ds forced home in 2020 due to the pandemic, whose dissertation was very much affected by having no access to the university library. Yes there’s lots of resources online, many scanned from the library, but not absolutely everything, and certainly not the niche things my ds needed.

I assume OP wouldn't want to jeopardise her sons degree in his third year

If it's laparascopic you may not need that much help?

If no one else has said (sorry not read all the replies) - after my mum had a new knee I rang Adult SS just to ask about equipment. They were amazing, sent out a physio to assess her and did all sorts! I don't know if it was because she was older, but this was a team that are allocated (if you ask) for 2 weeks after someone has been discharged from hospital. Not sure if it's worth a call or not?

That aside I would talk to a local taxi firm and see if they will do a deal on a few weeks of taking DD to school.

For crying out loud - we're not talking about the son being forced to become a permanent carer for his mum. It's less than a week - and actually, he'll be primarily caring for his sister.

It's not ideal, but nor is life. She's not off to Magaluf ffs - it's serious abdominal surgery.

A TAH would be an inpatient procedure.

It sounds like he just doesn't realise how affected you will be by the OP. That's completely understandable. I had no idea about the effects of a hysterectomy and how careful you need to be post op until a friend went through it. You need to be more direct, spell it out to him what you won't be able to do, and be specific about how you'd like him to help.

You’re on AIBU, they’ll always be a few arses around just looking for someone feeling vulnerable to have a go at. But you actually got relatively few regressive types, the majority are supportive.

Don’t even consider martyring yourself because of a few miseries on AIBU.

Be clear about what you are asking for from your son. You will need an adult there overnight afterwards at the very least. Check with the hospital and I’m sure they’ll confirm that.

It is however a bit perplexing how in all these years your ex hasn’t arranged holiday or some manner of working away to be back to care for his DD while you have surgery and recover.

And he still has every right to say “sorry mum, you know this year at uni is instant and you can’t expect me to risk my degree”

Just joining in here OP to show support
I really hope you find a way to get this op done. You deserve not to feel so awful every single day.

Do you have an emergency person she can stay with overnight incase you do need to stay in hospital for a night or two?
If your son can only stay for the day (or possibly 1 night), and school dont have any ideas about transport for her, then homeschool with you for up to a couple of weeks might need to be the answer.
It might not be your ideal, but really not the end of the world for her.

Good luck flowers

There should be a social prescriber at your surgery who might be able to help. Our local village school has a walking group to and from the school.

I had an hysterectomy - non keyhole variety with stitches etc etc was in hospital overnight. Caught public transport home from the hospital the next day.....

Had 2 x 10 year olds to look after. Plus 13 year old. Managed with simple meals. Microwave food. Supermarket delivery. Amazon food delivery.

I think with 1 x 10 year old you are being a bit needy.

It depends on the subject, but for two weeks max, and with prior warning, he’ll be able to access plenty. Being willing to is a different matter.

a fully dedicated student.

What's that then?

Is that different to just a student?

I was called by social services once as a local mum who I did not know, but who was fine my street, had broken her leg. They asked if I could do the school drop off for a month or so. I suggest you contact the school and/or social services who may put something similar in place for you.

Hope all goes well OP and you have a speedy recovery and receive all the help you can in the meantime.

I dont think this was needed or helpful.
OP has stated her specific concern is about getting her daughter to and from school.
She hasn't mentioned wanting help with anything else.

Oh and well done you by the way 👏