Son won't help me post surgery

[Silentlysinging]

I've been waiting for quite some time to have a hysterectomy. I am in desperate need and have purposely avoided it for years, due to having a DD at home (now aged 10). I cannot put it off any longer and have finally been given a date. I obviously will be off my feet for a couple of weeks and so my concern is getting my DD back and forth to school.

Unfortunately for us, I don't have a support network in place to help, hence why I've put this off for so long. I don't have siblings, my parents are not nice people and so we have no contact, my friends have their own children to care for and jobs to get to, my neighbours aren't the sort to help out and my ex husband works abroad most of the year.

My son (aged 21) lives around an hour and 20 minutes away from home. He's away at uni at the moment and is a fully dedicated student. He's only in uni 2 days a week and currently hasn't got a job. He enjoys spending a lot of time in libraries and coffee shops, much more grand and elaborate than the ones we have at home. He loves his life away from home and I'm so very happy for him, as well as immensely proud of the life he's created for himself.

The thing that has hurt me the most throughout this entire process is, my son is aware I have no support network at home. He has seen me suffer for years, despite me trying my best not to make a big deal out of things, to avoid upsetting my children. I have dragged myself to be a mother and work full time to provide while I've literally been wearing double pads and underwear. He obviously doesn't know the full ins and outs, but is aware I've had issues that affect my daily life. He's aware I'm going for my op and will have no one to help and hasn't at all offended to come home for a week to help his DS.

Believe me when I say I am more than ok to try myself and may even have to just keep her off a week and home educate her, but am I being unreasonable to be hurt that he won't even offer to help me after quite a big op? I was in hospital for a week two years ago and he came to visit me once, while hungover and slept in the chair. I just feel perhaps I've given my all to the extent I've belittled my own worth and worthiness of being cared for, by someone I've moved heaven and earth to support. Perhaps I'm just a bit sensitive and nervous.

Abdominal hysterectomy is 6weeks to drive or you aren’t insured. And the first week was pretty intense pain.

I don’t think she is expecting to be off her feet for weeks but 3 days is a start!

I am sure OP has thought if this obvious solution. Yes he should but if he won’t then he won’t.

Could say the same for the son, yet some of the comments have been absolutely vicious towards the son but not even mentioned the absent man who should be taking responsibility for the child he fathered.

I am so sorry that you are receiving nasty messages.
Please remember that there are many trolls on here and to not take things personally.

Please do not cancel.
You can see if they have another date but it could fall on his exam dates or something and so it could be worse.
You could still ring up and ask and see if there’s a date available that is slightly more convenient.

My biggest concern is your hospital stay.
Worst comes to worst your DD can miss a couple of days off school so I wouldn’t even worry about that right now but you seem to think you’ll be in and out the same day - I thought it would be a good 3 days stay? Surely at least overnight?

So that’s Birbeck or uni of london

Online evening and flexible courses in Economics

Unusual and not full time

The lectures are all online because this is an online degree

Could you find a childminder just for those few days? And honestly, if your daughter had to skip a few days of school if push came to shove, it wouldn't be the end of the world. Your health is important too!

Yes, the absent man is to be castigated. The difference, I suppose, is that the OP supposedly has a relationship with her son and she has said that there's a reason that the father is an ex.

I'm going to leave this thread now as I'm being inundated with really nasty messages. I've had a few lovely messages too, so thank you for those.

i do find it odd that I should expect strangers to help and people I don't really know, as opposed to being made out to be an evil mother because I'd like a couple of days support off my adult son.

As for my ex husband, if anyone has any suggestions of how I can force him to travel 6 hours back on a plane to help me out, that would be wonderful! Would solve a great many inconveniences I have in my life actually. Although, he went back to work when our daughter was 4 days old post c section, so I won't hold out much hope of him coming back to support us now we're divorced.

I am keen to have a hysterectomy as my older sister died of cervical cancer 7 years ago and I do worry that this will be an issue one day. I've had different procedures to help with the issues I have currently but it never lasts, I'd rather not run the risk and just have everything removed. It's already taken so much from me.

Once again thank you so much to the kind posters on here. Kind regards.

I am sorry I have mistaken. You did made it sounds like your son is a selfish person!

In that case, I don't understand why you couldn't just let him get on with his uni work and be happy? I would certainly be happy if he is so commit to his study. My son did really well at uni too, may be that's why I don't expect him to commit, no one is perfect.

...and contact the school, explain the situation and see if they can offer any help or advice?

Speaking as a uni lecturer, if a student spoke to me about needing to help out a family member post-op, there's lots of things I could/would put in place to make it possible, such as one-off live-recorded lectures (the facilities should exist, for disability provision), allowing Zoom attendance at a seminar, or giving a planned extension. The OP has said it's NOT his final year, and NOT during exams, so those points are irrelevant to the situation. He's at uni an hour away, not on Mars: if needed, he could commute for a week or two, and likely not miss any contact hours at all. Suggestions that this could scupper his degree are absurd (assuming he sorts it out ahead of time with his lecturers).

Asking an adult son to help out for a short while, even while at uni, is NOT "parentification". I note that the posters accusing the OP of parentifying her son don't seem to be taking the same level of exception to asking the 10yo daughter to help out around the house a bit. Nor is it "selfish" of the OP to ask a family member for whom she has cared for decades to give her a bit of support for a limited amount of time. Perhaps he's oblivious to the severity of her health issue and the seriousness of the operation: it does seem like the OP hasn't been very plain about it. But if she does lay it all out plainly and asks for help, and he still shows reluctance, then he's the selfish one.

Even if her ex came back to do the school runs, he’s not going to take care of OP!!

FFS, why do all of you bang on about this pointless thing about the ex? The OP needs an actual adult family member to help her with transport, recovery, cooking, any post-op complications. The adult son can muster it up.

Universities are well equipped to cope with family-related absences. (I was a lecturer myself at one time; two weeks for mum’s surgery would have been a no brainer.)

Yes, god for-fucking-bid that an adult male should interrupt his own soft life to help his mother.

Thanks to the comments here, we now have a good idea of who’s raising the shit, selfish, useless men-children of tomorrow.

I’m so sorry OP for the nasty messages people post. Anyone with any heart in them would feel empathy for you and want to help. As for your DS, I think it’s good he will help a little and I hope he offers more than a few hours on the day.

I know it’s a bit of a reach but I would say your DD will be able to help a touch too.

Please don’t cancel the operation and take up any offers of help you can. You will have it done then a week will fly by and before you know it, back to normal routines and you will be so glad to have done it despite the challenges that came with it.

Don’t take stock of the nasty posts on here. Scroll right on past don’t give them a second thought. You could be the nicest, kindest person in the world and trolls get their cheap thrills from being keyboard warriors and offer nothing else (and some of them sadly haven’t had empathy or any sort of love in their lives and a big reason they lash out). Not worth a second of your time.

Wishing you the very best, OP.

first of all I’m so so sorry you’ve had so many struggles and with no support network. That’s the worst. You should ask your son to help you. Make him understand the strain it’ll have on you by having the surgery. If he can’t (which there shouldn’t be a reason that he can’t) then ask a couple of friends so that they can take turns to help. It’s unfair for you to suffer on your own.

The "Oh but UNI!!" lot are making me laugh, given the amount of graduates who are not employed in their chosen fields, if employed at all. My second DD has started her PGCE this year simply because it was either that, another hospitality job like she had when studying or unemployment.

Sounds like Mr Coffee Shop needs a short sharp dose of real life now, before it smacks him hard in the face next Autumn.

OP, I didn’t want to read and run. I’m so very sorry that you’re going through this and I hope that the procedure enables you to turn a corner. I have to say that some of the responses to your post here are weird and to be ignored. Of course it’s reasonable to expect some help from him in the circumstances. Frankly if a stranger asked me for help in these circumstances I’d do what I could. It’s possible that he’s just a self-absorbed 21-year old who needs to be asked rather than a bad person but please ignore anyone who suggests that you’re being unreasonable. It sounds as though you may need to prioritise yourself a bit more.

Right, so it's unreasonable to expect an adult man to miss a birthday party, a bit of commuting and studying in a different location for a few days/week or so. Seemingly that's too much of an expectation.

But it's fine, and suggested that instead the OP

• makes sure her child knows how to cook, do the washing machine and dishwasher so sure can look after her mum
• the child potentially have a week off school, partially due to logistics, but also to care for her mother.
• should take up the offer of random mumsnetters for help.
• should ask on the class WhatsApp (largely other women) for help.

Let's not inconvenience the men eh...

It's very telling that complete strangers are offering the OP help, whilst her adult son is preparing to leave her in charge of a child, after the OP is forced to discharge herself unsafely from hospital, the same day as an operation. So he can go and party.

I would be incredibly disappointed in his selfish attitude. Family should support eachother in their time of need.

Your son sounds a lot like my son who is very self absorbed. He is in his 30s and recently was banned from driving for 6 months. He expected me to drive him back and forth from work which I felt like I had no choice but to do. It was taking me 2 hours a day and I am a pensioner who has other commitments. I discovered his friend had offered him a lift home as he passes our house daily. However he still expected me to do both journeys. In the end I had to spell it out that I felt his friend could share giving him a lift. He wasn’t happy but tough I am not a taxi service and it was costing me a fortune in petrol. You need to tell him you need his help and there is no one else to help you. It’s not like it’s going to be forever and if he cares about you and his sister he won’t hesitate to help. My son now accepts I won’t be picking him up from work as travelling 2 hours a day is too much for me every day.

WTF?!

He is in his 30's and got HIMSELF banned from driving, presumably either through totting up or drink driving, and you still said "Of course darling" when he expected you to drive him to and from work?

I would say your son isnt self absorbed at all. He is spoiled and knows a bloody mug when he sees one!

If my child did that then, sorry love but you created the problem so you find the solution. Especially as either action that led to his ban means that he is a dangerous driver who could have killed someone. Sounds like your little prince has never learned the meaning of the word "consequences".

Yes I agree but I hadn’t thought it through before I offered. My daughter who is older than him said exactly the same thing His ban was caused by points btw he got caught by a few speed cameras as he works in a big city. I only have 3 more months of this btw. I won’t be offering to do anything like this again.

He got caught because he was speeding. The cameras weren't the problem, they were the solution. You still seem to be excusing him.

And you could choose to have no more months of this. Not a single day.

What would happen if you said that from (ok, lets be nice) next Monday, it was all on him? I am guessing that he still lives at home like some eternal teenager?

That was an awful lot to put on the shoulders of a teenager! Did you give him money to stock the house with food? Having your teenage/university student son as your sole source for help/childcare whilst you are recovering from surgery is not an appropriate solution. He is your son, not an unpaid carer and it is your responsibility as an adult to ensure that your younger child is cared for. He lives a significant distance away, oscillating between home and university on a daily basis could be incredibly expensive for somebody surviving on a student loan.

You need to cut him off financially. He is a terrible son.

Your daughter may need to go into foster care or she will need to stay home for two weeks.

Is it possible to have the surgery during school holidays?

OP, so sorry you have to keep explaining your situation for the benefit of those that can't distinguish with helping out with looking after young daughter and personal care for you. What a bunch of awful people there are on here. He is family, not some random young man who lives on the road they live, so why is this made into such a big deal. All you bullies if nothing supportive to say then butt out, mean people.