Son won't help me post surgery

[Silentlysinging]

I've been waiting for quite some time to have a hysterectomy. I am in desperate need and have purposely avoided it for years, due to having a DD at home (now aged 10). I cannot put it off any longer and have finally been given a date. I obviously will be off my feet for a couple of weeks and so my concern is getting my DD back and forth to school.

Unfortunately for us, I don't have a support network in place to help, hence why I've put this off for so long. I don't have siblings, my parents are not nice people and so we have no contact, my friends have their own children to care for and jobs to get to, my neighbours aren't the sort to help out and my ex husband works abroad most of the year.

My son (aged 21) lives around an hour and 20 minutes away from home. He's away at uni at the moment and is a fully dedicated student. He's only in uni 2 days a week and currently hasn't got a job. He enjoys spending a lot of time in libraries and coffee shops, much more grand and elaborate than the ones we have at home. He loves his life away from home and I'm so very happy for him, as well as immensely proud of the life he's created for himself.

The thing that has hurt me the most throughout this entire process is, my son is aware I have no support network at home. He has seen me suffer for years, despite me trying my best not to make a big deal out of things, to avoid upsetting my children. I have dragged myself to be a mother and work full time to provide while I've literally been wearing double pads and underwear. He obviously doesn't know the full ins and outs, but is aware I've had issues that affect my daily life. He's aware I'm going for my op and will have no one to help and hasn't at all offended to come home for a week to help his DS.

Believe me when I say I am more than ok to try myself and may even have to just keep her off a week and home educate her, but am I being unreasonable to be hurt that he won't even offer to help me after quite a big op? I was in hospital for a week two years ago and he came to visit me once, while hungover and slept in the chair. I just feel perhaps I've given my all to the extent I've belittled my own worth and worthiness of being cared for, by someone I've moved heaven and earth to support. Perhaps I'm just a bit sensitive and nervous.

@take10yearsofmylife my daughter is very caring and compassionate. She wants to be a vet when she grows up. She will be trying to look after me when I'm home bless her.

My son is very academic and good with practical support for his friends, he doesn't have the same affection to his family however. He tells me he loves me at the end of every call, he's not very good at physical support though.

I do hope he softens as he gets older. He's gay and never had a boyfriend but I hope that will soften his attitude towards others a little, once he has the experience of a relationship.

He was such a cuddly, loving little boy but it all changed once he reached secondary school. He's very bright and I did begin to feel like I wasn't quite good enough anymore. I have tried to speak to him about it but he doesn't seem to get it.

Thank you.

He won’t understand as a 21 year old, or as a man. Ask him if he will come and stay and help! Tell him you feel awful asking but you really need some support for ten days etc.

Also don’t underestimate the kindness of neighbours - I’m sure they’ll help if you ask and explain. I would help anyone who asked in need whether I knew them well or not.

I felt like you- alone, no community. Then my back went badly and I was totally stuck - literally stuck on the floor. My neighbour was an absolute angel from heaven and she helped me like family would; it totally changed the way I think about helping people to be honest. She was wonderful and I’m so so grateful to her! I knew her a bit before but she literally saved my bacon and helped with my little boy, was on hand when I needed. Just the definition of humanity to be honest. So ask. People will help where they can. Best of luck wishing you a speedy recovery Xxxx

Please don’t cancel your surgery. I would be upfront with your son about needing him for a few days. Choosing to go to a friend’s 21st birthday is selfish. I think if you had a daughter the replies here would be very different, sadly. However he may need it properly spelled out to him because young men are quite clueless. The uni would definitely understand so sorry, I’m not buying that. Especially if you are supporting him in any way financially he needs to put his big boy pants on and be there for his sister.

I would talk to the hospital and see if there is any nursing they can put in place. I would also talk to the school tomorrow. Please don’t cancel your op - it will be ok, I promise 🌷

@LimpysGotCancer if you knew the area we lived in, you'd see there are far more grand coffee shops and libraries in comparison to the city he lives in. I feel your comment has a lot of personal perception and your own judgement. That is your choice.

Personally, I am extremely proud of my son. He's the first one of my parents grandchildren to go to university. He has prospects on hand to him that are not so available to him here at home. He left school with 7 A* GCSEs, despite a global pandemic.

I've literally given him the absolute best I could in life, in order to ensure he was able to succeed. Nobody on this earth can tell me how I feel about my child. Never once have I looked at him and thought he was getting too big for anything. If anything, I've drove it into him to strive for what he wants in life.

I'm not happy that he won't help his family for a few days thought, to the point it's been suggested I should ask strangers. I do think he's being selfish and I don't like that he makes me feel too beneath him to ask my own child for a bit of support. If you have an issue with that, that's exactly what it is. Your issue.

i do worry op that you havent accounte for staying in if theres complications-who will have your dc in that situation

sorry but he does sound selfish-helps his friends out but not his own mother

This is not entirely correct what you have commented, the hospital can arrange help for you after major surgery if you have no help, the only thing is im not too sure of the exact circumstances you need to be in but nhs does help you if you live alone.

Op look into this. Google help from the nhs after a hysterectomy!

You are a great mother. You deserve support. Anyone telling you it is not your son’s responsibility to help with his sister for a few days in unreasonable. I hope you get the support you deserve. Good luck with the surgery

You are a great mother. You deserve support. Anyone telling you it is not your son’s responsibility to help with his sister for a few days in unreasonable. I hope you get the support you deserve. Good luck with the surgery

You are a great mother. You deserve support. Anyone telling you it is not your son’s responsibility to help with his sister for a few days in unreasonable. I hope you get the support you deserve. Good luck with the surgery

You are a great mother. You deserve support. Anyone telling you it is not your son’s responsibility to help with his sister for a few days in unreasonable. I hope you get the support you deserve. Good luck with the surgery

Ask him!

YABU to expect him to be psychic and offer off his own bat, YANBU to ask for his help. If he had a full load of lectures and practicals it might be more difficult, but he could quite easily talk to his tutors about how to do stuff remotely or defer some deadlines in order to help out. Good luck with the op.

I think you need to be very specific. They won’t let you home without someone to take care of you for a bit and you might be in hospital for a few nights. So he needs to come home.

You are having major abdominal surgery and an organ removed! He clearly isn’t understanding.

Also ask friends and classmates for help. People do help but you need to ask.

I don’t think you would be unreasonable to have a discussion with him to ask if he can offer any support and explain the situation (as a 21yo male it might just not even enter his radar) but equally, it is not his responsibility just because you are his mother, you are still the parent in the dynamic even when he is technically an adult. As others have suggested also, look at local support school parents, local organisations, paid help if needed, social care.

And regarding all the raising him as a single parent etc. - whilst I am not underplaying what you have had to do to provide for your children and all credit to you for that - your children did not ask for you to, and do not owe you anything for fulfilling the (albeit relentless) ultimately basic duties and responsibilities of being their parent at the end of the day. That shouldn’t come into it.

Then he needs to come back or arrange for his daughter to stay with him.

OP’s son shouldn’t be picking up the slack because his sister’s father (don’t know whether also his) is useless.

And are you going to ask hospital about reablement POC assessment for post surgery support? Pursue that as option. Tell the assessor you’re the only adult in house as husband & son live away . Your son isn’t your only care option, you need to follow up on reablement poc

"I'm not happy that he won't help his family for a few days thought, to the point it's been suggested I should ask strangers."

Uni is a commitment just like work. As a parent of a uni student myself, no way would I be asking him to skip lectures. Uni is "his job" at the moment. You talk about denigrating your own self worth but you are not valuing his work if you regard him as just swanning about in libraries or treating lectures as optional. That said, if he genuinely has no uni commitments for 5 days a week then it's reasonable to ask him to come and help. Find a way to make it work for him, perhaps a dedicated study space at home, promise of takeaways or whatever. Show him that you would value his help, not take it for granted. Just assuming he should understand and offer, and complaining about him when he doesn't, is unhelpful.

I presume you have actually asked your ex if he could take leave to cover the school runs? If he just refused to help because he's an ex then there's nothing you can do, but if the only reason you're wanting your son to do it is because DD's dad has a paid job, that is not great.

You should have the op, but find a way other than expecting your son to miss lectures. And this is about running the household for the first few days, making sure DD had an adult with her while you are in hospital, as well as school runs.

Thats terrible that you have had awful messages in your box. Just awful . and I’m sorry your son isn’t mature enough to see how important this is. I really hope you will have your op and find a way to manage with your daughter even if she has to miss school, its far better for her in the long run to have a healthy mum. Best wishes op

OP. I don’t know if you are still reading but I am nearly 3 months post abdominal hysterectomy.

It’s the best thing ever. Especially if they take your ovaries and you can get the oestrogen. (If you were anywhere near menopause). Turns out energy does exist if you aren’t scraping by!!

You will not be able to sign yourself out after surgery. You won’t be able to stand up let alone walk. You will be there for 3-5 nights.

You only get one recovery. If you don’t stay in hospital you will be back there in an emergency situation very quickly.

What would they all do if you died? Either your son comes back or your DD’s dad. This is serious surgery, they need to take it seriously.

I’m sorry but I couldn’t be proud of a son who is refusing to help his mother and sister who desperately needs surgery and help. He can help you he’s just refusing to even try and would rather go to a 21st over helping you. What happens if your surgery doesn’t go to plan. You’ll probably need to stay in a few days if it’s abdominal and you can’t leave your dd alone.

What kind of person sends vile messages to someone, never mind a woman awaiting a hysterectomy and needing support . Blows my mind.

Please do not delay your operation. Do what you need to get this done, even if it means hiring some private care. Your health is the most important thing, for you but also for your children.

I’m glad your not my son!

I’ve had a hysterectomy - I’m a single parent- & did not expect my student son to help me with younger siblings. I don’t think that’s reasonable.

Why are you expecting to be off your feet for weeks? I had a vaginal hysterectomy that also removed cervix & ovaries and although I needed to take it easy & avoid getting tired, bending etc, was certainly not off my feet for weeks. In fact moving about was recommended!

Driving is an issue because of the need to do emergency stops- I think I waited 2 or 3 weeks. Scheduling taxis for school for the first two weeks is a good idea, as you’re planning, and getting in lots of ready meals for the freezer. Make sure DD knows how to deal with washing machine & dishwasher as you don’t want to be loading them.

I really don’t think if is right to try to make a 21 year old into a support system. He has his own life. I am due to have a hip replacement next year & I will not be asking my 21 year old to help. I’ll mange with taxis etc. Plus I honestly think you are getting a bit overwrought about how awful it will be. Recovery should not actually be that bad unless for some reason something goes wrong. In fact it will make you feel a lot better!

I’m shocked that you’ve received nasty messages to your inbox. Please report them.

personally, I think that your ex is being allowed to get away from his responsibilities here. It is 100% his responsibility to ensure his DD is cared for while you are incapacitated. He should be making arrangements. Mare you in touch with any of his side of the family, your daughter’s other grandparents for example?

its possible that your son is feeling resentful that he’s being asked to care for his sister when her father isn’t. And he may feel that you should be asking friends, school, social services for assistance as he is away at university. If he sees that all other avenues have been exhausted, he may be more amenable to help out where he can.

The first week back after a break is far from ideal, I can understand the dilemma he’s facing.

I hope that you find a workable solution and that the op goes well. And that you are finally free from the awful pain and discomfort you’ve suffered.

@LadyBlakeneysHanky The OP is having an abdominal hysterectomy - I think that they take longer to heal.