Son won't help me post surgery

[Silentlysinging]

I've been waiting for quite some time to have a hysterectomy. I am in desperate need and have purposely avoided it for years, due to having a DD at home (now aged 10). I cannot put it off any longer and have finally been given a date. I obviously will be off my feet for a couple of weeks and so my concern is getting my DD back and forth to school.

Unfortunately for us, I don't have a support network in place to help, hence why I've put this off for so long. I don't have siblings, my parents are not nice people and so we have no contact, my friends have their own children to care for and jobs to get to, my neighbours aren't the sort to help out and my ex husband works abroad most of the year.

My son (aged 21) lives around an hour and 20 minutes away from home. He's away at uni at the moment and is a fully dedicated student. He's only in uni 2 days a week and currently hasn't got a job. He enjoys spending a lot of time in libraries and coffee shops, much more grand and elaborate than the ones we have at home. He loves his life away from home and I'm so very happy for him, as well as immensely proud of the life he's created for himself.

The thing that has hurt me the most throughout this entire process is, my son is aware I have no support network at home. He has seen me suffer for years, despite me trying my best not to make a big deal out of things, to avoid upsetting my children. I have dragged myself to be a mother and work full time to provide while I've literally been wearing double pads and underwear. He obviously doesn't know the full ins and outs, but is aware I've had issues that affect my daily life. He's aware I'm going for my op and will have no one to help and hasn't at all offended to come home for a week to help his DS.

Believe me when I say I am more than ok to try myself and may even have to just keep her off a week and home educate her, but am I being unreasonable to be hurt that he won't even offer to help me after quite a big op? I was in hospital for a week two years ago and he came to visit me once, while hungover and slept in the chair. I just feel perhaps I've given my all to the extent I've belittled my own worth and worthiness of being cared for, by someone I've moved heaven and earth to support. Perhaps I'm just a bit sensitive and nervous.

Unless your son has periods he won’t ever understand what you’re going through . He sounds like a selfish kid too. If he only has uni twice a week then he needs to help his sister. As for her getting too and from school, speak to the school, my friends school provides a school bus . Can you not ask them. Your daughter’s dad needs to step up too. I don’t care if his work doesn’t work for kids , his kid needs looking after.

What Uni ?

As an aside I can’t tutor at student remotely
You're either signed up on my list to be seen in a day or you miss out.
If he was studying my subject he would miss out on a tutor session ( none of the relevant tutors are in every day ) at a crucial submission time

This was same for my Uni. Unless this poster knows someone doing a fully online degree which is not the same at all. I’d have failed my final year if I took 2 weeks off.

I think him not being final year changes things actually. Can he attend his lecture days and then come down to help? He’s not too far for this to seem viable? I’d also definitely get a babysitter willing to do overnights and let them know you may need them the day of your surgery and get your daughter to do an overnight or the babysitter to come to you for an overnight prior so your daughter is more comfortable. I used to do overnights as a childminder in the children’s home, they do exist! Are there any local babysitters that already walk children on your daughter’s route? I think you will likely surprise yourself and be up after about 3 weeks so I’d plan care for 4 to be on the safe side.

Agree

When I was a student ( quite a while ago )
we had to sign in every day
People were chucked out for not attending.

and still are !

Dear god what a shocking thread.
No wonder so many men are pure scum as fathers and partners.

I have two sons and I absolutely would expect and would receive help.

What a selfish young man you have allowed him to grow into.

Shameful.
Have your surgery, you need it and to be well for your daughter.

Report the nasty PMs. OP. The bosses are pretty good at dealing with them.

Ignore any nasty posts, it's properly weird on here lately. I'm sure we've been invaded.

My first thought was use taxis. It'll be pricey but it'll get her to and from school. Could you sort a load of meals you can just throw in the oven before you go in? Don't put it off any longer, this needs to be sorted.

I wonder if SS has some sort of temp help while you recuperate.

Pp by OP
She phoned him and asked
He’s visiting the day of the op and looking after his sister on that day

You are missing the point that OP hadn’t actually asked him when this thread was started.

She was assuming he'd know she wanted help.

He hadn’t refused anything

With the exception of a few posters, the father is getting off very, very lightly here.
All the vitriol towards op's son at university who needs to step up, yet the 10 year olds actual father isn't expected to do anything. Because he lives abroad. Im sure whichever country he is in allows their employees annual leave. He needs to take responsibility for his child tbh.

I really hope you don't cancel the op, OP. You are not being selfish. It sounds like you've suffered more than enough and feeling well will be of benefit to your daughter. Hold firm and see it through. Your son will barely be affected.

There are a lot of very unsympathetic replies on here. I had a hysterectomy with an abdominal incision and I was back at full time work in 4 weeks, I thought I had done very well. For the first three days I could do nothing. They got me up to the loo after one day and I asked to come home after 3 days. I needed to be taken back to hospital for stitches to be removed on day 5. From day 4 I was walking around in the house but couldn’t lift anything. OP will need some help for at least a week. Ideally the daughter’s father should have taken leave to look after her but it sounds like he won’t. I don’t think it’s parentifying the son to ask him to help out a bit but it sounds as if he won’t either. The symptoms OP is experiencing are very debilitating and it would be very sad if she had to cancel. I think I would be looking for paid help for a week or so rather than put further pressure on the son but I think he could be more helpful. MN tends to think children have no obligation at all to help their parents.

No wonder there's so many men in the world that only consider their own needs and wants, if the posts on here are anything to go by.

OP, you absolutely need to have this operation, you must put yourself first for once. I think the problem with always doing things for others and never asking for anything in return, is that people will take you for granted and see you as worth less than they are, even your own kids. Your son is selfish and thoughtless, and honestly, once you've recovered, I'd tell him how disappointed and hurt you are.

Not sure, one in London. Never asked, only what he's studying. He has 2 online lectures a week and now and then has to go in - that's it. We were chatting about the difference from my own uni course some years back when I went in 5 days a week.

I think you’re underestimating how much of a big operation a hysterectomy is.

my aunt had one recently early AM and had to stay in over night. She was in intensive care after as she had to be watched and was advised she shouldn’t be on her own the first night being home.

im really sad that you’re son ‘knew this was coming’ so he knew you would need help and instead of offering he hoped you wouldn’t ask. That’s really sad.

I know he’s young and got his own life but you’re his mum and it’s his little sister.

re the school, could you go in a taxi with her for pick ups and drop offs? Could you ask the school to help or find a local childminder who could help you out for the couple of weeks? You really do need to rest and take it easy.

at 10, she should be ok at home with you and not need too much. I’d make sure you have plenty micro meals in or batch cook stuff you can heat up and make sure you have your supermarket deliveries booked for a couple of weeks so that’s sorted.

My aunt had 10 weeks off after hers and is slowly getting back to normal.

Good Luck Op x

The father is clearly a selfish prick, but how do you imagine OP can make a man who has no interest in parenting, come to the UK and parent his child? It's utterly pointless to focus on him.

OK. Yes I agree this is a good option if there are pre-vetted drivers available via the LA.

Uni's are actually very understanding with family life if all explained before going awol.

I think so too, underestimated I mean. I was offered one a few years ago but was told it was a 4-5 day stay in hospital, and quite a few weeks of recovery as it is a major op. I've had a laparotomy in the past and I couldn't face going through that kind of pain again.

The OP needs her son or someone home while she is in hospital and be good to have a hand after too.

I suggest you go on the school whatsapp group for your child’s class and ask for help. If any parent said they needed help over two weeks for an op and had no support I am quite confident a few of us would step in and help. I work full time but could easily pick one more child up with my own children and drop them home. Wouldn’t be a big deal. It is only 2 weeks or so. Ask for help, before cancelling the operation.

Hey, hope everything will work out. I hear you, my adult son probably would behave the same, I think some people are just born to be like that, they can't see themselves responsible for others but yet they feel quite entitled to receive. I know I sound so bad saying these things to my own son so but it's true. Also, I don't think I can force him to be someone who he is not neither. Thankfully my daughter isn't like him at all, she has looked after her little sister and did the school runs since she was 14! They are super close 😍

You just have to keep your daughter at home if she can't get to school by herself. Don't stress too much over it. Take care of yourself.

I have four kids all been to uni, they would definitely be allowed to have a week off if they explained such a situation, so I firmly think he should support you properly he is not a teenager, he is an adult. I am guessing he will happily come home at Christmas and let you run round after him, if you are fit. He needs to learn what family means, that is supporting each other especially in times of need. I am 100% sure you have supported him throughout his life. Pay back for 1 week is not asking g too much, he is selfish.

I would ask a school friend even if your not close because when I got ill I asked my friends and neighbours and they did help it was just my own insecurity of asking for help because we don't live in a society where people like to ask for help but most people would help.

Also you can ask school support workers they may be able to arrange to pick up your child for school or use school transport for emergencies etc it's worth an ask to see what they could do.

To all those posters blindly going along with OP's assertion that he only needs to be in two days a week and spends his time in coffee shops - OP doesn't have a clue what he does or when.

It's all given away by that phrase "he enjoys spending a lot of time in coffee shops - so much more grand and elaborate than the ones we have here". She thinks he's too big for his boots and fancies himself above his station. I bet he's never said a word about the relative merits of coffee shops (who even does, or thinks they're "grand"?!) but OP will have concluded from some offhand remark that he needs to be reminded where he's come from. Poor lad hasn't even been fully told what's going on or what's expected of him.

Please don’t put off the surgery, that won’t help anything. You’ll need to be clearer with your son however as bare minimum you’ll need him home for a few days so you can be discharged and cover any potential complications.

once you’re back I honestly think your daughter can just miss a week of school if need be but I really encourage you to reach out and ask. I’d literally help anyone in this situation - think about who is around you and ask. This could be the start of developing your own village. It’s easier to start when you can offer instead of ask but I’d be so upset if a neighbour or school mum was in this situation and didn’t let me know. Just break it down to a few people so no one is doing two full weeks.

is there someone at after school club you can pay to bring her home? Then you just need to ask for someone to bring her into school. Our after school club staff are always happy for some extra work.