Son won't help me post surgery

[Silentlysinging]

I've been waiting for quite some time to have a hysterectomy. I am in desperate need and have purposely avoided it for years, due to having a DD at home (now aged 10). I cannot put it off any longer and have finally been given a date. I obviously will be off my feet for a couple of weeks and so my concern is getting my DD back and forth to school.

Unfortunately for us, I don't have a support network in place to help, hence why I've put this off for so long. I don't have siblings, my parents are not nice people and so we have no contact, my friends have their own children to care for and jobs to get to, my neighbours aren't the sort to help out and my ex husband works abroad most of the year.

My son (aged 21) lives around an hour and 20 minutes away from home. He's away at uni at the moment and is a fully dedicated student. He's only in uni 2 days a week and currently hasn't got a job. He enjoys spending a lot of time in libraries and coffee shops, much more grand and elaborate than the ones we have at home. He loves his life away from home and I'm so very happy for him, as well as immensely proud of the life he's created for himself.

The thing that has hurt me the most throughout this entire process is, my son is aware I have no support network at home. He has seen me suffer for years, despite me trying my best not to make a big deal out of things, to avoid upsetting my children. I have dragged myself to be a mother and work full time to provide while I've literally been wearing double pads and underwear. He obviously doesn't know the full ins and outs, but is aware I've had issues that affect my daily life. He's aware I'm going for my op and will have no one to help and hasn't at all offended to come home for a week to help his DS.

Believe me when I say I am more than ok to try myself and may even have to just keep her off a week and home educate her, but am I being unreasonable to be hurt that he won't even offer to help me after quite a big op? I was in hospital for a week two years ago and he came to visit me once, while hungover and slept in the chair. I just feel perhaps I've given my all to the extent I've belittled my own worth and worthiness of being cared for, by someone I've moved heaven and earth to support. Perhaps I'm just a bit sensitive and nervous.

A TA who lives near a kid in my daughter's class has walked that child to school and home many times. Ask and explain you're really really stuck and can they assist at all as you don't want her to fall behind.

My children receive school transport due to my son's EHCP, you could contact the local council. They won't do it long term but if you explain/can provide evidence they MAY (not guaranteed at all, they didn't help me when we were 6 miles away and homeless) be able to get your daughter picked up by a passing taxi service. Speak to the school and the council and see if anyone's able to help.

I have no friendship with parents either but if someone reached out and needed help, if I was able I 100% would. Contact other parents too. Good luck with the surgery x

Sorry you've had a hard time, OP. You've every right to ask for help. Your DS doesn't sound a good option except for that one day, but before cancelling the op, you might look for a school WhatsApp group or similar and ask if another parent could give your child lifts for a week or so following surgery. People are sometimes surprisingly willing or even happy to help. Your aunt wouldn't have to be in great health to drive (if she can) the short distance to the school, or pick up DD by bus or taxi. I hope you get something sorted - you deserve to have better health.

Op you have been raising your child who is now an adult and should be able to help.

Do not postpone your operation but start batch cooking so that you have a good supply for a week of light meals. If that is not an option, ready meals from the supermarket that you can reheat without much effort.

Water bottle by the bed and medicines too.

Your DD should be able to do basic stuff for you. Do any of the teachers have older children that could help for some pocket money?

I’m waiting to have one till my own children are older as I have a husband who works abroad often. Trust me I really do get OPs predicament, but I do think it should be on the child’s father and it is elective because like OP I’m having to push it off for several years until my children don’t need lifting etc and so my husband can take 2 weeks off and then I can be at home healing. It’s elective even despite the quality of life it’s likely to improve because it’s not like an emergency appendectomy.

When I had recent other surgery I had to pay a babysitter for 3 weeks to get my eldest to school and watch my youngest which may be a workaround for OP if there’s a local babysitter already doing that school run? Then she just has to sort someone that can do overnight care whilst she’s in hospital (there are babysitters that can if her son and ex can’t).

Out of interest, why wouldn't a child have the same level of obligation to assist as a parent or partner? I think they actually do.

He either doesn’t want to or he hasn’t be asked. There’s zero reason why an adult sibling cannot step in. If he were female we would have relentless posts attacking her.

She says he only has to go in twice a week - he can spend the other five days helping her for a couple of hours a day and studying at home.

Oh you poor thing, OP. It's a wretched situation to be in.

I was really shocked that your son seems to think the hospital will send someone round 'to help'. What planet does he live on? He really needs to grow up. I bet he'd expect you to run around after him if the situation were reversed.

I hope it all goes well for you. X

Exactly. He can do his lectures from home, so he won’t actually miss anything.

He's not her Father or your ex, so be careful of putting him in that box. It will make him pull away further. The person who should be stepping up is her Father, and it is him you should be disappointed with. It's hard asking for help but I think you need to try to make connections with the other parents. One might be going your way and could pick her up for a week. You never know. There are also single Mother groups you can join. They will be in a similar boat to you. It's time you built a network. No one can do that for you. It's not your son's place to step in for his absent Father.

To be honest I would keep her at home rather than let her get in a taxi alone.

You could speak to the school and ask them to prepare work for her to do at home. It's a one-off for very serious circumstances so I feel they should accommodate you.

I think you should ask him if I can come and stay that week and spell out why you need him. My sons are lovely but it probably wouldn’t have crossed their minds at age 21 that I needed help in this situation.

His mum (who has brought him up) is in pain and needs this surgery. He can come help for a bit. It’s not the end of the world. She has nobody!

I feel so sad for her and now she’s been pushed from her own thread.

If you see this OP then I’m sending love ❤️

Yes and she may be worried about her mum too and want to be with her.

Attending lectures is one thing
theres much More to Uni than just lectures

small example
Many submissions are group submissions
Does he need equipment and/ or studio facilities
Is there lab work
Is he researching/writing his dissertation as Books are often reference library only
Tutor appointments can be difficult to get and cancel esp for research tutors

Unfortunately OP has put off her operation and now it’s a crucial time for her son and
Catching up isn’t like borrowing someone’s notes at school

I wouldnt. I would contact the LA and ask which firm they use for school transport. A lot of kids need transport especially those to special schools and those taxi firms have to have special clearance DBS etc, they are heavily monitored. Explaining the situation and that you want to get her to school but want to use a safe authorised company would help.

You are assuming all lectures are online
Its not covid anymore

Why does everyone assume Uni is just about attending a few lectures.

We’re certainly not recording lectures any more. You’re either present or you’re not.

So sorry you are going through such a bad time, I had a hysterectomy a few years ago and was in hospital for 3 nights, once I was home I was pretty ok to do light housework and cooking and almost back to normal after a week. You will definitely need someone to be around for your daughter for more than 1 day, I don’t think discharging yourself will be an option - I had drains in my wound and a catheter for the whole day after my operation. I completely understand your reluctance to ask for help, I’m the same but does your daughter have any good friends whose mum’s would chip in or have her to stay for a few days? You may be surprised how keen people will be to help once you explain the situation. I once took 2 children of a school mum I only knew vaguely back and fore to school and looked after them until their Dad came to pick them up for 6 weeks as she couldn’t drive due to a broken wrist. It was no problem and my kids loved having them around. You really need this operation your life will be so much better after!

You ask him to help or sort it out yourself.
Your DD can either go to school in a taxi or you can source a childminder who can collect and take her.
Same on the return if she's not able to walk home.
You will be up and out of bed pottering around within a couple of days so can get DD to help with the meal prep and lifting things.
Ensure the house has a thorough clean before you go in and all laundry is up to date. Do a big shop the day before you go in with easy convince food and supervise DD to heat and serve.

Who is looking after DD while you are in hospital? Will you be there overnight? How are you getting back from the hospital, can whoever is collecting you help a bit more?
Make sure the school are aware and ask them for help if need be.
As long as you don't lift or bend you will be fine, get one of those litter picker sticks to pick up things you may drop.
Honest you will be fine, just get organised before.
And maybe your son will step up but be prepared for him not to, his reluctant help may be worse than him keeping out the way.

She would be very lucky
I had no help post emergency spinal surgery or endo lap surgery and didn't get any help as I could walk basically

I had a hysterectomy at 46. I was on my own with DD who was as 10.

A neighbour walked her to school, also a few school mums picked her up to.

You'll be able to potter round, and I'd get batch cooking or get microwave meals in to make it easy.

You also need to ask your son to come home, he will not volunteer and he won't think like us.

Hope it goes well for you.

Op says he has 2 lecture days a week and spends the rest of the time in the library or coffee shops. Both of those things can be sorted at the family home, and yes, missing class isn't ideal but I bet tutors would understand and make sure he doesn't miss out much.

I don't think asking her adult son to help is treating the child as the father. She's hoping that he can step up and help his sister and the family unit because she is very much in need. I would've gone out my way to help my mum if I'd ever been asked at that or any age, that's what families do for each other at times of need isn't it?

Some are. Lovely lad who works in the coop is doing his accountancy degree - his lectures are still online.

I haven't read all of the responses on here. I have had a mix of absolutely revolting personal inbox messages however, along with other lovely people offering to help from all over the country and I am so very grateful for those, thank you so much.

My EX husband is clearly an ex husband for a reason. He obviously works abroad because that suits his lifestyle.

I will be having an abdominal hysterectomy, due to the several issues I have going on.

My son is not in his final year of university. The surgery will be on his first week back at university. Unfortunately, I am not able to elect a date as to when this surgery is available to me.

I will contact the school and arrange taxis. He will look after DD while I'm having my operation and travel home the same day, as his friends 21st birthday is the following day and he doesn't wish to miss it.

I have not asked him to perform intimate personal care. I have asked for a small amount of support with his sister going back and forth to school for the first week. He has never missed a lecture, so the impact of his impeccable marks will not suffer.

I do struggle to ask for help because I've never had it. I'm the person who cares for others to the point it made me ill a few years ago. Unfortunately, my son has never witnessed me have support and so obviously feels I never need it. He's not a male with my issues, although empathy wouldn't go amiss, I don't expect him to fully understand.

I may have to cancel and continue to wait until DD is in secondary school.

Many thanks to all of those who have been kind and offered me lots of guidance.