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Original poster

Son won't help me post surgery

524 replies

Silentlysinging · 01/12/2025 16:28

I've been waiting for quite some time to have a hysterectomy. I am in desperate need and have purposely avoided it for years, due to having a DD at home (now aged 10). I cannot put it off any longer and have finally been given a date. I obviously will be off my feet for a couple of weeks and so my concern is getting my DD back and forth to school.

Unfortunately for us, I don't have a support network in place to help, hence why I've put this off for so long. I don't have siblings, my parents are not nice people and so we have no contact, my friends have their own children to care for and jobs to get to, my neighbours aren't the sort to help out and my ex husband works abroad most of the year.

My son (aged 21) lives around an hour and 20 minutes away from home. He's away at uni at the moment and is a fully dedicated student. He's only in uni 2 days a week and currently hasn't got a job. He enjoys spending a lot of time in libraries and coffee shops, much more grand and elaborate than the ones we have at home. He loves his life away from home and I'm so very happy for him, as well as immensely proud of the life he's created for himself.

The thing that has hurt me the most throughout this entire process is, my son is aware I have no support network at home. He has seen me suffer for years, despite me trying my best not to make a big deal out of things, to avoid upsetting my children. I have dragged myself to be a mother and work full time to provide while I've literally been wearing double pads and underwear. He obviously doesn't know the full ins and outs, but is aware I've had issues that affect my daily life. He's aware I'm going for my op and will have no one to help and hasn't at all offended to come home for a week to help his DS.

Believe me when I say I am more than ok to try myself and may even have to just keep her off a week and home educate her, but am I being unreasonable to be hurt that he won't even offer to help me after quite a big op? I was in hospital for a week two years ago and he came to visit me once, while hungover and slept in the chair. I just feel perhaps I've given my all to the extent I've belittled my own worth and worthiness of being cared for, by someone I've moved heaven and earth to support. Perhaps I'm just a bit sensitive and nervous.

OP posts:
Cucy · 01/12/2025 20:18

lovescats3 · 01/12/2025 20:15

I wouldn't feel bad about asking the other school mums for some help, if someone asked me this I'd be happy to help out for a couple of weeks , the school might know of someone to help as well and home start might be able to help you

I agree.

I’m not a parent of a school aged child anymore but I’d still try and help if I could.

I know what it’s like having no support and you’ll be surprised how many people are willing to help.

WearyAuldWumman · 01/12/2025 20:21

Gwenhwyfar · 01/12/2025 20:16

"have you actually done a degree?? no one is gonna fail a degree because they miss a couple of lectures! "

That's what I was thinking, but I did an arts subject in the free and easy 90s...

I graduated in the '80s. In those days, it was a given that if you missed a lecture you borrowed a pal's notes. (We envied those in the Vet School: they were given a pack of pre-printed notes.)

Happyjoe · 01/12/2025 20:29

Hysterectomies are quite big operations, you may well be in hospital for a few days, maybe even up to 5 if abdominal. It can really be sore so need to give yourself some TLC and time to heal.

Am so sorry, it's not idea but your son really does need to put you and his sister first for a little while. Sometimes family means more than a couple of lectures, libraries and sipping coffees - coffee's I presume you pay for as he's not working?!

You sound like you really need this operation, please try find a way to get help so it can go ahead. Take care OP, hope works out and the op goes well.

Aluna · 01/12/2025 20:29

I’ve only read OP’s posts so I don’t know if it’s been suggested that she contacts a care agency and gets carers in daily to help.

Llamallamafruitpyjama · 01/12/2025 20:32

Silentlysinging · 01/12/2025 16:28

I've been waiting for quite some time to have a hysterectomy. I am in desperate need and have purposely avoided it for years, due to having a DD at home (now aged 10). I cannot put it off any longer and have finally been given a date. I obviously will be off my feet for a couple of weeks and so my concern is getting my DD back and forth to school.

Unfortunately for us, I don't have a support network in place to help, hence why I've put this off for so long. I don't have siblings, my parents are not nice people and so we have no contact, my friends have their own children to care for and jobs to get to, my neighbours aren't the sort to help out and my ex husband works abroad most of the year.

My son (aged 21) lives around an hour and 20 minutes away from home. He's away at uni at the moment and is a fully dedicated student. He's only in uni 2 days a week and currently hasn't got a job. He enjoys spending a lot of time in libraries and coffee shops, much more grand and elaborate than the ones we have at home. He loves his life away from home and I'm so very happy for him, as well as immensely proud of the life he's created for himself.

The thing that has hurt me the most throughout this entire process is, my son is aware I have no support network at home. He has seen me suffer for years, despite me trying my best not to make a big deal out of things, to avoid upsetting my children. I have dragged myself to be a mother and work full time to provide while I've literally been wearing double pads and underwear. He obviously doesn't know the full ins and outs, but is aware I've had issues that affect my daily life. He's aware I'm going for my op and will have no one to help and hasn't at all offended to come home for a week to help his DS.

Believe me when I say I am more than ok to try myself and may even have to just keep her off a week and home educate her, but am I being unreasonable to be hurt that he won't even offer to help me after quite a big op? I was in hospital for a week two years ago and he came to visit me once, while hungover and slept in the chair. I just feel perhaps I've given my all to the extent I've belittled my own worth and worthiness of being cared for, by someone I've moved heaven and earth to support. Perhaps I'm just a bit sensitive and nervous.

Her DAD needs to step up NOT her brother! This is parentification and you’re being unfair on your poor son. I understand you’re stressed but what would you do if you didn’t have your son? He’s a full time student. You’d likely only need him home a week and then DD can walk to school with other kids if you ask any mums in her class?

It’s no driving for up to 6 weeks but you may be ready sooner. You won’t be in bed the full 6 weeks maybe the first 2 as long as you heal ok.

It’s really just the school run to sort out and ask your son to be there the day of coming home as you will need another adult there. Your lack of friends etc and his Dad working abroad is not on him. This needs to be for your ex and you to sort out really as it’s a parenting issue.

Itsnaptime · 01/12/2025 20:33

I'm wondering on who's having DD whilst your in hospital??

lazyflucker · 01/12/2025 20:36

For everyone saying he shouldn't help as he is studying, he is lucky he doesn't have to work at the same time! Most students have part-time jobs, I know someone who was on a nursing degree course and only one person in their class didn't work, and that was for nursing which is much more than 2 days a week contact time. Many students are working longer hours in part-time jobs than previously, it's not a day a week anymore, it's more like 20+ hours.

OP, he should definitely help, he can ask his lecturers to let him know if there is anything he will miss and most things are online now. It's not going to jeopardise his degree, he will still have plenty of time around it and he should be working consistently through the term so he won't be behind.

CheeseIsMyIdol · 01/12/2025 20:38

Llamallamafruitpyjama · 01/12/2025 20:32

Her DAD needs to step up NOT her brother! This is parentification and you’re being unfair on your poor son. I understand you’re stressed but what would you do if you didn’t have your son? He’s a full time student. You’d likely only need him home a week and then DD can walk to school with other kids if you ask any mums in her class?

It’s no driving for up to 6 weeks but you may be ready sooner. You won’t be in bed the full 6 weeks maybe the first 2 as long as you heal ok.

It’s really just the school run to sort out and ask your son to be there the day of coming home as you will need another adult there. Your lack of friends etc and his Dad working abroad is not on him. This needs to be for your ex and you to sort out really as it’s a parenting issue.

Show quote history

Nonsense. Asking for less than two weeks of practical assistance after surgery is hardly "parentification," especially as it sounds as though this young man was hardly prevailed upon much in the past.

What have people gotten to, that a perfectly able uni student of 21 can't be asked to help his mother (and young sister) during a medical ordeal?

EnidSpyton · 01/12/2025 20:39

OP, I'm a teacher. Please contact the school and let them support you.

The school will be able to ask the PTA to put out an SOS to the parent community for some support for you, and/or they could help arrange some temporary transport for your daughter to/from school while you're unable to do the journey. I'm sure there will be plenty of parents who will be willing to lend a hand.

You also need to be much firmer with your son. So many women expect nothing from their sons and this expectation of nothing from them from a young age sets them up to be shit partners later down the line.

He is in the final year of a degree. He's not the only person in the world qualified to conduct brain surgery. He can take a week off without the world falling apart.

He needs to tell his university that he has a family emergency and he can't attend lectures for the week you need him at home. Most lectures are recorded these days anyway, so he could attend them virtually from your house and do all of his work while being at home to support you. He can plan ahead by getting any books from the library, but many are ebooks now anyway, so he doesn't even really need to do that. Giving up a week of what sounds like a perfectly responsibility free life is not that big a deal and he needs to understand that for once, it's time to put someone other than himself first. Don't allow him to be selfish and to opt out of being a decent human being.

Be abundantly clear - you are having major abdominal surgery. You are anxious about it as it is, but the situation is being made worse by you being worried about needing to make arrangements for his sister and concern about whether you'll be able to manage at home. He could alleviate this worry by helping you out and you expect him to be there to do so.

If he still says no, I'd be seriously rethinking the amount of financial support he is receiving from you to live the life of absolute riley at university.

Absolutely do not cancel this surgery - it will never be a good time.

4timesthefun · 01/12/2025 20:42

All the best for your surgery OP, it sounds like having it and muddling through would be the best for you long-term, which is important!

The only thing that concerns me about your post is whether you/your child have limited connections etc to other students and families at the school. I can’t imagine another parent not being willing to help, assuming you live somewhere near to the school. It might be a good idea to work on strengthening those connections so you do have back-up’s for any future issue!

Llamallamafruitpyjama · 01/12/2025 20:44

CheeseIsMyIdol · 01/12/2025 20:38

Nonsense. Asking for less than two weeks of practical assistance after surgery is hardly "parentification," especially as it sounds as though this young man was hardly prevailed upon much in the past.

What have people gotten to, that a perfectly able uni student of 21 can't be asked to help his mother (and young sister) during a medical ordeal?

Show quote history

Parentification is literally treating the child as a parent. OP is treating her son as if he is the father and not the brother to her other child. Tough shit the dad is abroad, it’s HIS responsibility to work out coming back to do childcare for his daughter. It’s not an emergency if OP has waited 7 years so there is time to get planning put in place. 2 weeks in my final year would have possibly caused me to fail my degree because of the level of group work and things I physically needed to be there for. It’s going to be tough for him to study and care for his sister and help OP and Spring is the busiest time for last year students.

WHY CAN THE DAD NOT HELP?

Wayk · 01/12/2025 20:45

If he goes back that night who will stay with her? You hardly be allowed home same day

Llamallamafruitpyjama · 01/12/2025 20:47

EnidSpyton · 01/12/2025 20:39

OP, I'm a teacher. Please contact the school and let them support you.

The school will be able to ask the PTA to put out an SOS to the parent community for some support for you, and/or they could help arrange some temporary transport for your daughter to/from school while you're unable to do the journey. I'm sure there will be plenty of parents who will be willing to lend a hand.

You also need to be much firmer with your son. So many women expect nothing from their sons and this expectation of nothing from them from a young age sets them up to be shit partners later down the line.

He is in the final year of a degree. He's not the only person in the world qualified to conduct brain surgery. He can take a week off without the world falling apart.

He needs to tell his university that he has a family emergency and he can't attend lectures for the week you need him at home. Most lectures are recorded these days anyway, so he could attend them virtually from your house and do all of his work while being at home to support you. He can plan ahead by getting any books from the library, but many are ebooks now anyway, so he doesn't even really need to do that. Giving up a week of what sounds like a perfectly responsibility free life is not that big a deal and he needs to understand that for once, it's time to put someone other than himself first. Don't allow him to be selfish and to opt out of being a decent human being.

Be abundantly clear - you are having major abdominal surgery. You are anxious about it as it is, but the situation is being made worse by you being worried about needing to make arrangements for his sister and concern about whether you'll be able to manage at home. He could alleviate this worry by helping you out and you expect him to be there to do so.

If he still says no, I'd be seriously rethinking the amount of financial support he is receiving from you to live the life of absolute riley at university.

Absolutely do not cancel this surgery - it will never be a good time.

Sorry but waiting till her son is done with his degree would be better time if he’s required to help. Or wait till he’s on break! I again as I said earlier would have failed my final year if I missed any lectures as attendance was required to pass my degree. Son is getting a rough go of it here. Why don’t you suggest her Dad takes a week off?

Pistachiocake · 01/12/2025 20:47

I don't want to jump to the gender thing (thankfully the old attitude that daughters must help and sons should only help their wives is changing, maybe), but sometimes people can be very sensitive to the "mummy's boy" taunts-there doesn't seem to be a "mummy's girl" version. There is no logical reason why it should be ok for an adult female to help/be with a parent, but not an adult male, but sadly this insult seems to be there, and affects some people, just as some boys/men are scared to go into caring professions because some people think only women should be carers/nursery nurses/teachers etc.
And I know there's lots of amazing men who do look after the women in their lives, including boys who are effectively parentified and do everything for their families, so I am not in any way trying to say anything against them.
OP, even if your ex works abroad, could he book some time to help? I get if he's abandoned or let you down he might be no use, but if he's genuinely sorry, would he help as a one off?

Gloriia · 01/12/2025 20:49

'He needs to tell his university that he has a family emergency'

The op is having elective surgery, it is not a family emergency. Likely to be laparoscopic or vaginal so recovery will not be prolonged. It is unfortunate that she hasn't got any friends or school parents to help but this is not her son's fault. He should not have to come home to help when a 10yr old is perfectly capable of making her own breakfast and getting to school once the op has explained to school that their rules will need to be amended regarding walking home or getting a taxi.

EnidSpyton · 01/12/2025 20:51

@Llamallamafruitpyjama

How long ago did you do your degree? You seem to not be aware of how things work in the post covid landscape.

I don't know of any student doing the type of degree (sounds like Humanities from what the OP has said) the OP's son is doing, who wouldn't be able to miss a week of being in person at uni. Universities are built for hybrid learning these days and everything is recorded and online. Also, people get ill, family emergencies happen. The university welfare service would support him to take the time off to care for his mum.

The dad is abroad and the OP clearly doesn't have a coparenting relationship with him. Perhaps she doesn't want him in her house. Perhaps the daughter wouldn't be comfortable with him. If the dad were an option, I think that would have been explored. The kind of man who is happy to move abroad and leave their child in another country, only seeing them for school holidays, is hardly the type of man to drop everything and come and help his ex wife in a moment of crisis, is he?

Aluna · 01/12/2025 20:52

Llamallamafruitpyjama · 01/12/2025 20:44

Parentification is literally treating the child as a parent. OP is treating her son as if he is the father and not the brother to her other child. Tough shit the dad is abroad, it’s HIS responsibility to work out coming back to do childcare for his daughter. It’s not an emergency if OP has waited 7 years so there is time to get planning put in place. 2 weeks in my final year would have possibly caused me to fail my degree because of the level of group work and things I physically needed to be there for. It’s going to be tough for him to study and care for his sister and help OP and Spring is the busiest time for last year students.

WHY CAN THE DAD NOT HELP?

Show quote history

Because he’s abroad.

Parentification is not asking at 21 year old man to adult for a week.

Llamallamafruitpyjama · 01/12/2025 20:52

Pistachiocake · 01/12/2025 20:47

I don't want to jump to the gender thing (thankfully the old attitude that daughters must help and sons should only help their wives is changing, maybe), but sometimes people can be very sensitive to the "mummy's boy" taunts-there doesn't seem to be a "mummy's girl" version. There is no logical reason why it should be ok for an adult female to help/be with a parent, but not an adult male, but sadly this insult seems to be there, and affects some people, just as some boys/men are scared to go into caring professions because some people think only women should be carers/nursery nurses/teachers etc.
And I know there's lots of amazing men who do look after the women in their lives, including boys who are effectively parentified and do everything for their families, so I am not in any way trying to say anything against them.
OP, even if your ex works abroad, could he book some time to help? I get if he's abandoned or let you down he might be no use, but if he's genuinely sorry, would he help as a one off?

Reread what you’ve written and then consider why the Dad hasn’t been asked at all? Because he’s a man? And has a ‘big important job’? Tough shit. There’s no job that doesn’t have leave.

Llamallamafruitpyjama · 01/12/2025 20:52

Aluna · 01/12/2025 20:52

Because he’s abroad.

Parentification is not asking at 21 year old man to adult for a week.

Show quote history

And? He needs to take leave and come home for his actual child.

Llamallamafruitpyjama · 01/12/2025 20:54

EnidSpyton · 01/12/2025 20:51

@Llamallamafruitpyjama

How long ago did you do your degree? You seem to not be aware of how things work in the post covid landscape.

I don't know of any student doing the type of degree (sounds like Humanities from what the OP has said) the OP's son is doing, who wouldn't be able to miss a week of being in person at uni. Universities are built for hybrid learning these days and everything is recorded and online. Also, people get ill, family emergencies happen. The university welfare service would support him to take the time off to care for his mum.

The dad is abroad and the OP clearly doesn't have a coparenting relationship with him. Perhaps she doesn't want him in her house. Perhaps the daughter wouldn't be comfortable with him. If the dad were an option, I think that would have been explored. The kind of man who is happy to move abroad and leave their child in another country, only seeing them for school holidays, is hardly the type of man to drop everything and come and help his ex wife in a moment of crisis, is he?

2016, this wouldn’t have classed as a family emergency either at my Uni as it’s an elective surgery and I’m sure I’d have been asked why it had to happen during term time. I’d be asking the same of my mother if she had waited 7 years, can you please wait a few months till I’m finished? (May/June time). And maybe ask our dad to help if you really can’t wait? My friends Dad died and she had to provide the death certificate in order for the Uni to not penalize her missing lectures in our final term. I did a healthcare degree.

Llamallamafruitpyjama · 01/12/2025 20:55

EnidSpyton · 01/12/2025 20:51

@Llamallamafruitpyjama

How long ago did you do your degree? You seem to not be aware of how things work in the post covid landscape.

I don't know of any student doing the type of degree (sounds like Humanities from what the OP has said) the OP's son is doing, who wouldn't be able to miss a week of being in person at uni. Universities are built for hybrid learning these days and everything is recorded and online. Also, people get ill, family emergencies happen. The university welfare service would support him to take the time off to care for his mum.

The dad is abroad and the OP clearly doesn't have a coparenting relationship with him. Perhaps she doesn't want him in her house. Perhaps the daughter wouldn't be comfortable with him. If the dad were an option, I think that would have been explored. The kind of man who is happy to move abroad and leave their child in another country, only seeing them for school holidays, is hardly the type of man to drop everything and come and help his ex wife in a moment of crisis, is he?

2016, this wouldn’t have classed as a family emergency either at my Uni as it’s an elective surgery and I’m sure I’d have been asked why it had to happen during term time. I’d be asking the same of my mother if she had waited 7 years, can you please wait a few months till I’m finished? (May/June time). And maybe ask our dad to help if you really can’t wait? My friends Dad died and she had to provide the death certificate in order for the Uni to not penalize her missing lectures in our final term. I did a healthcare degree.

parthyphibday · 01/12/2025 20:55

I'm a 44 year old women. 3 children. 3 CSections, and a variety of other surgeries.

I would 100% need to you tell me 'I need your help - you need to come home for X days to do Y'

If you did that I'd spring into action - otherwise I would 100% not figure out that there was something I should/could do.

And this is me at 44 - he's only 21. At 21 I'd have had far less of a clue than my current clueless state.

For context, before anyone jumps on me, I am autistic - but not shy of helping - just need clear direction.

MeAndTheDoggo · 01/12/2025 20:56

I’ve put YABu but only because he might need a nudge, rather than saying you’re wrong. It sounds like you’re a very strong person so it might not occur to him that you need support because you’ve always got it together. There’s times when most of us don’t see what’s staring us in the face. This could be it the problem

EnidSpyton · 01/12/2025 20:56

Gloriia · 01/12/2025 20:49

'He needs to tell his university that he has a family emergency'

The op is having elective surgery, it is not a family emergency. Likely to be laparoscopic or vaginal so recovery will not be prolonged. It is unfortunate that she hasn't got any friends or school parents to help but this is not her son's fault. He should not have to come home to help when a 10yr old is perfectly capable of making her own breakfast and getting to school once the op has explained to school that their rules will need to be amended regarding walking home or getting a taxi.

It's not really elective surgery is it. It's surgery that's absolutely necessary for her health and quality of life.

She will need support and care. Complications may happen. Surgery is exhausting, even if it is laparoscopic. Anaesthetic can also considerably affect people for several days afterwards.

The woman is entitled to expect a bit of support from her son, who has nothing else to do other than attend a couple of lectures a week.

I would have been there like a shot to help my mum at the same age, and so would my brother. Since when did we have such low standards of family? Taking some time out of your life to care for someone you love really should not be that big an ask. Especially when that person has made so many sacrifices to bring you up ffs.

EnidSpyton · 01/12/2025 20:58

@Llamallamafruitpyjama

You did a health degree?

I sincerely hope not in nursing or medicine, because I wouldn't want someone with your total lack of compassion looking after me in my hour of need!

Also, given the current state of the NHS, if you really are in healthcare, I find it laughable that you think the OP could state her preference for when exactly she would like her operation, based on her precious little prince's university term not being interrupted...!!