To tell my sister I don’t want to see her anymore if she doesn’t discipline my nephew for biting me?

[IGrewUpInTheFallOut]

My sister is a single mum to two children - my nephew, who is 14, and my niece, who is 13. My nephew has autism and her husband left when he realised how tough things would be.

I’ve just got back from a weekend of babysitting for her which has been a bit of a nightmare. My nephew used to be quite violent and angry, but my sister put him into kickboxing when he was 7 and he’s flourished, and it has really helped him regulate himself.

When I arrived yesterday, she warned me that he was quite overstimulated and that I just needed to follow the basic routine (get him to bed at a reasonable hour). I left him to his own devices until I went into his room at about 10:30 and asked him to put his iPad down and go to sleep.

He immediately grabbed hold of me and bit my arm, it must have been about twenty seconds before he let go. He was screaming at me to leave his room by that point, so I did, and went downstairs. I told my sister when she got home today, and she said she would have a word with him.

I’ve just got home and seen how bad it is (I’ve attached a picture). I sent it to her and asked how she had dealt with it and she said she asked him, but he said he felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to go to sleep, so he lashed out. She says that in her mind, that’s the end of it and she won’t be pushing it further as he can’t help feeling overwhelmed.

I’ve said in that instance I don’t feel comfortable being around him again and I won’t attend family Christmas. Now she and my mum are telling me that I’m selfish and I will ruin the Christmas period for everyone if I don’t come.

AIBU to draw this line in the sand?

I think “I don’t feel comfortable being around him” is a massive over reaction in the circumstances. “I don’t feel comfortable babysitting him alone” is reasonable; I’m not coming for Christmas (which presumably you’d previously said you would attend) is just dramatic.

My friend works at an SEN school and has been horrifically bitten in the past. She has said that there are definetly some children there who behave the way they do because they have no repercussions at all.

I think a lot of people hear autism and imagine a non verbal globally delayed child. There's lots of levels to autism and a lot are high functioning who struggle to regulate themselves. It doesn't give them the right to attack people and people shouldn't excuse it for them either

Those with experience of autistic children are posting otherwise so I’m inclined to listen to them about what is in the boy’s best interests.

Well I'm one person who feels it's unreasonable for OP's sister to minimise her son's behaviour.

Would you feel comfortable socialising with someone who has just attacked you?

But she has listened to what you are saying, and she is absolutely right, it still doesn’t make sense.

Because unfortunately that's often the way it pans out? ...

Child of 14 assaults someone, everyone totally ignores it, child thinks "I can do what I want with no consequences". Child assaults someone when they hit 18... Child goes to prison for 8weeks and their life completely unravels...

Everyone says "OMG! How did this happen?"... Everyone says well yeah there were strong signs at 14 🙄

Is autism going to be the new excuse for a man when he is in the dock accused of assaulting, raping or murdering a woman?

Some of the posters on this thread are nothing short of apologists for male violence. He was over stimulated, she didn't handle him properly, she wound him up, she's exaggerated and other excuses that have used to justify male on female violence since we were living in caves.

A fairy wand won't be glittered over this lad's head when he is 17, especially as his mum is doing nothing to discipline him, a 14 year old male who knows enough not to kick off at men but instead treats his mum, gran and aunt to his over stimulation.

I would be outraged if this boy attacked my daughter, bit her for several seconds or beat her senseless and it was then revealed that he had already displayed this violent behaviour towards women but nothing was done because he was autistic. I would blame his mother for not having it put on record so that my daughter could have run a million miles from him.

It really is very very worrying that autism is now being offered up as an excuse for males from 14-94 to literally get away with violence towards women. Did she upset him? Did she over stimulate him? Did she tease him? Did she not realise that he did not like being told no? Did she wind him up? Did she exaggerate her injuries?

It won't be long before it becomes the norm-foolish women on here (and I presume they are women without daughters) rush to offer autism as a reason why violent males should not be punished and punished hard.

Male violence on women is male violence on women and there is never, ever ever an excuse for that whether the criminal is autistic, angry, a cunt or is disappointed that he has a micro penis.

Please don't let autism is an excuse for violence slip into being acceptable.

It is women who will pay the price.

You definitely don’t need to look after someone in a situation that frightens you. Your sister has a choice - to take steps that reassure you that the situation with your nephew can be safe in future, or accept that you aren’t reassured, and won’t be babysitting any more 🤷. It’s really her choice rather than yours at this point, you’ve said your piece.

I'm autistic, so is my child 🤦‍♀️ so what you mean is you have rigid thinking and you clearly think you know better than someone who has a living experience of what autism is like.

Deary me, no point even speaking to some people is there. This conversation is irratiating me so does that now give me the right to start verbally abusing you because I'm autistic? Because I'm overwhelmed?

No, didn't think so

Whats the point going, op wont enjoy it.
We arent obligated tl spend time with people because they are family.

How is it appropriate? No apology from nephew, no apology from his mum, no card or flowers from nephew? The mum telling OP ‘In my mind, that’s it’ and ‘you have to keep babysitting otherwise I lose my nights out’.

How is that appropriate for OP?

I'm listening to what you're saying and it still doesn't make sense.

You're either utterly terrified of him or your not.

And you have literally no idea whether your sister would step in during an attack, whether she punishes him or not.

I’ve been in a room many a time with someone who has previously assaulted me / been verbally deeply abusive to me. Because I’m an adult capable of identifying safe boundaries. I don’t want to be alone with that person any more: fine. I want to make a massive drama all about me: not fine.

I think the fact she refuses to see how serious this is shows that she wouldn’t.

And sister is more worried that she has lost her babysitter, rather than acknowledge her son attacked op.

Your sister should be more grateful to. A 5 hour drive in winter weather is no joke. And it's interesting your mum said she's basically afraid to mind your nephew because she's afraid of what he might do to her!

Would it stop me being terrified? No. Would it make me more comfortable because it would make me feel like they would step in? Yes. Apparently some people can’t comprehend this.

It’s awful that he bit you, and your sister should do something, but I don’t know what.
Dont fall out with your sister about it though - she has a lot on her plate.

@IGrewUpInTheFallOut

I think you need to be very careful about not getting entrenched into an ultimatum with your family - the it's 'me or them' choice is really not helpful

You have said yourself that this is very unusual for him to act in this way.

I absolutely agree that you should say you don't want to be left alone with him and you can tell your DSis that you are disappointed with the sanctions she put in place.
However, you are not his mother. You don't get to impose your rule set on another family and you don't get to choose the punishment.

Your sister will always pick her son.
If you ask the rest of your family to 'pick' a side, they will probably pick your sister as they will want to see the GC.

Oh look, another over the top post.

Dial down the drama.

I have no experience of autism, so I’m reading and listening to those who do. Many have posted on the best way to deal with these kinds of situations.

I said those exact words. Nothing more, nothing less - and look your response.

so what you mean is you have rigid thinking and you clearly think you know better than someone who has a living experience of what autism is like.

I have zero interest in listening to anything you’ve got to say.

And you have literally no idea whether your sister would step in during an attack, whether she punishes him or not.

My guess is that she wouldn't, but would blame OP for any attempt at self defence.
I wouldn't want to spend Christmas around someone who had attacked me either. She's not a chew toy.