Adult kids not interested in us.

[Birlngsnotnicepeople]

I would like some sense of the " outside world " if possible. When children are small, you are constantly comparing with other parents. It seems to die off when they reach Secondary school.
My AC are basically not bothered with us.
Is this just how it is?

What do you mean they’re not “bothered” with you? What exactly have they done (or not done) to give you this impression?

How active are you in keeping up the relationship?

I live 200 miles away from my parents and see them about twice a year with a couple of messages in between.

my brothers live much closer and they have a rolling Wednesday tea where a different one hosts each month.

some of staying together is forming habits and traditions

I'm not sure what you mean by constantly comparing with other parents?

I don't compare my parenting or my children with others.

What do you mean by your adult children aren't bothered? They don't keep in touch?

You have to make the effort. End of.

I live 65 miles away from my parents but see them every weekend (unless we have prior plans). My DC adore their GP so it’s important for me to make time for them to spend time together.

Prior to DC, I probably saw them every 3rd weekend or so.

How old are your adult children?

in my 20s seeing or catching up with my mum was a bore I wanted to be out with friends having fun …. Now in my 40s with young DC I see her all the time ….Do you think for now your adult DC are finding their way in life and if so feel proud as you have done your job to raise independent thriving adults and tell them that - it might do wonders for your relationship

My ds sees me at least once a week.

I used to see dm 4 times a week.

Depends how old are they? My 2 adult kids were pretty disinterested in us during uni and early 20s years. Unless they needed money or somewhere to stay, but thats life l think l wasnt bothered about my parents at that age, l loved them but never really thought about thier lives?
Now my kids in late 20's l see them more, but we all live far apart unfortunately, l see my daughter more as shes nearer. We have a family watsapp group thats fairly active, l talk to my daughter a few times a week and my son maybe once a week, more if he is having a problem he wants to talk about.

How old?
Are you close to them?

The comparing was things like milestones, are they reading, what are they wearing to the school disco. Harmless stuff 25 years ago.

Thank You. I do. Very much. I am also living with chronc pain.

How old are they? Was there a falling out, or are they just living their lives in the way that many young people do?

I’m not really sure what you’re asking op.

Do you mean you don’t have people to ask irl anymore if their adult dc aren’t engaging with them?

@Poms, Thankfully no falling out. They are late 20's/ 30.

I do understand about being busy and working.

Myself and siblings see my parents once a week but that’s probably quite alot from what I’ve read on here.

I guess I never compared them. To other kids. I just enjoyed them and tried to let them know it.

My two are 26 and 29 and they text and call constantly. One is in the UK just now ( we are in the US) and we talk to her several times a week, and the other lives a five hour drive away but just came for a week.

I think it depends on the relationship when they are growing up and distance from you can also play a part.

Families are different, some see each other regularly and there is always a celebration, others not as often but close, so just at Christmas/birthdays and others never. I think the relationship you will have with adult DC is made when they are teens (although future partner/kids can have an impact on the relationship).

How would you like things to be different.

I'm not sure how the two things are related, the comparing yourself to other parents and the adult kids not being very interested?

How often do you see them or hear from them, and what would your ideal situation be?

How often do you see them? What is the relationship like? How close do they live? I don't think there's a right/wrong.

Surely if they're independent and happy, that's the main thing?

What do you mean by "not interested"? Do you mean you literally never hear from or see them? If this is the case, this is likely to be a conscious decision.

If you mean you don't see/hear from them as much as you would like, this might be because they are busy with family/work/other committments.

If you mean you do see/hear from them but they only talk about themselves, I'd suggest raising this ...

The " comparing" was chit chat, Mums and Toddlers group, the little local Primary, harmless and a community. Pre internet.
Then they go to Secondary and you lose that.
As they are now adults, there are few outlets for these type of coversations.

If you mean you do see/hear from them but they only talk about themselves, I'd suggest raising this ...

Correct.

So tell them about yourself. If they ignore you, point out how rude this is.
Most DC go through a self centred phase in their teens, but I'd expect them to have outgrown it by late twenties.

Unless the issue is that they feel that you moan constantly and they are worn out with dealing with it?

It's a different world now, you can't even compare generations. When I think of my own childhood where we did nothing at all, and my childrens, who do as much as our tight budget allows, we are so busy!y mother doesn't get why I'm not able to answer the phone to her whenever she rings me. It's exhausting.

What does work is the family WhatsApp groups which has my father, my siblings and their partners in it. We are in a constant chat. So I can tell you what they're up to and can see that they're good, we share stupid jokes and play stupid games with puns or someone will post a quiz. It's brilliant, and I feel really close to them all despite us only being in the same room a couple of days a year. Low demand, high reward.

@redskydelight I'm not aware of moaning and make every effort not to. I may ramble on a bit to one of them because I am a bit lonely.