Adult kids not interested in us.

[Birlngsnotnicepeople]

I would like some sense of the " outside world " if possible. When children are small, you are constantly comparing with other parents. It seems to die off when they reach Secondary school.
My AC are basically not bothered with us.
Is this just how it is?

This is really sad. I have adult DC’s the same age as yours who live 60 and 80 miles away.
They text, WhatsApp or phone every single day and DH and I see them on average about every 4 weeks, they usually visit us.
We also go away with them probably twice a year for a long weekend.
This seems to be slightly more than most of my friends with similar age DC’s.

I’m curious about why you see other people as ‘the outside world’? It feels as though you feel cut off from it.
Could you be a bit depressed-it’s common in chronic pain?
have a look at a depression check list and see a gp if you are scoring high? Please ignore if not relevant

Yep!

I honestly can't remember how often I saw my parents before I had dc, but pretty regularly as apart from when I was away at uni, we've always lived fairly nearby. After dc, probably at least once a week.

I get on well with my dps, we've holidayed together, pre and post dc, and I can't imagine not seeing them regularly.

@Birlngsnotnicepeople I totally understand where you are coming from but...

Do you think that because your adult children don't visit/contact as often as you would like, you must have done something "wrong"?

Could it not simply be a case, as @PivotPivotmakingmargaritas mentioned that they're wonderfully independent, busy adults, making their way?

You've mentioned that "I am a bit lonely and we are an afterthought"

The loneliness, is for you to rectify and not for your children to fulfil. The afterthought comment is somewhat concerning as you seem to think that your children are somehow failing your need?

Your "expectation" of what your relationship should look like, does not align with theirs.

So a change in your mindset could be useful and bring you the most peace to enable you to just enjoy their company, when you do actually see/have contact with them.

Don't be sad @Birlngsnotnicepeople, it is what it is 🌻

Perhaps they're just naturally more introverted than their sibling. I think all you can do is to maintain an open offer that they are welcome to come anytime.
Maybe off a set date once a month for dinner or something?

Thank You, Yes I am. I manage it as best I can.

@worriedMiL33 . Thanks

I think I was probably a bit like this in my late 20s. Was in a new / tough career, living away from home, new friends and just probably didn’t think about my parents that much unless it was Christmas or birthday. Sometimes I went a couple of weeks without speaking to my mum and she always phoned me. I was just a bit inconsiderate. My mum did point it out to me and I bucked up my ideas.

Don't get upset. Sometimes children grow up thoughtless, irrespective of what you do. Just look at MN posts - not a single post about 'my mum went without raising me, she is not getting any younger and I am still not earning enough to buy her nice things/send her on a cruise/buy her a car', so what would you suggest I do to thank her properly for going over and above when raising me/us'. Not a single post like that. All the posts are about 'abuse' - the priceless one was the other day 'my parents abused me because they called me 'the clever one', and my sister 'the pretty one'. Or you read posts about 'boundaries' or 'my parents ate the food I bought for myself and put in their fridge because I am sponging off them accommodation-wise'. Just look at the posts and cheer up, not being bothered is not the worst that can happen to us, parents.

How often did you see your parents when you were their age? And also when your kids were young?

I probably saw mine every 6 weeks or so in my 20s. Mainly because term time was so hectic.

More regularly when I had kids in my 30s.

But conversation was an effort. My dad likes to lecture about whatever's upset him on the telly. Mum used to nod, or offer up trite little comments- which then annoyed dad. Dm never got into text messaging, unlike other relatives.

For me, visiting was just bloody boring. Their lives were just so...meh and lacking in energy. It just used to remind me why I couldn't wait to leave home.

If it’s a while since you’ve e been treated for depression and you’re struggling with pain have a chat with a medic to see if you need more input or a change in medication.
Can people be kind to the OP, when you’re low it’s hard to reach out and you can feel people are uncaring.

I would love to be closer to my parents but they never pick up the phone to have a chat. Even when my GPs died it was a text.
Are you making an effort too?
I have found my late 20s to 30 the busiest I've ever been so seeing them regularly is difficult.
Maybe try and up the contact with texts or calls?

Will you be seeing them over Christmas? How often do you see them? And, if you’re honest, when you do see them - what’s it like?

That's a somewhat facile/glib comment - and, no, it's not really 'End of'

I am 60 and have two adult children (males). I also have a mum and dad. This year I have gone very low contact with my parents( I should have done it years ago)

I see both lads several or more times a week. I go on walks with one if them.with our three dogs and he comes round once a week for tea. Both of them come to the pub quiz on a Wednesday with me and dh plus several other family members.
We plan meals out and go to gigs and the cinema together.

Its a two way street
We all contact each other and stay in touch.
The 'children' are in their mid and late 20s

I think it’s quite usual for parent/child love to be uneven. You’ll always love them more than you are loved back . My oldest son (21) takes a week to answer a text, sometimes never. Unless it is something that interests / affects him,

He’s just a bit of a selfish person but I was at that age too! I just keep my expectations low and keep on giving. He wouldn’t be able to be so selfish if he thought my love was conditional

I feel like he’ll be back when he has kids / sees a bit more of the world. I was always given a guilt trip by my parents. But I want him to feel free to live his life.

Could it be that you and your DC have very different communication styles? From the way you respond to posters here I wonder if you struggle with text based communication? I think sometimes you have to push through if someone you care about has a preferred method that isn't the easiest for you.

That was unkind.

For those at the back

She suffers from depression and chronic pain. The posting style reflects a low mood and her interactions with the adult children will be affected by this.

Maybe ask HQ to delete the thread op, if it’s making you feel worse.

I raised my children well because I’m their mum, not because I wanted them to thank me.

Of my three children the closest lives over 300 miles away. They have tiny children so I go on the train to see them about every 6 weeks. It’s much easier for me to go to them than it is for them to come to us, especially as they are working and I’m retired. It’s an eight hour return trip but I get to read or listen to podcasts without my neglected housework or garden making me feel guilty.
We WhatsApp every week sometimes more than once. The middle child lives more than 330 miles away, only an hour from the first. We go down and stay approximately every three months but we message almost weekly. I also have a stepson living close to this one. Again they all work full time. Child number three lives abroad and we see them less often but face time regularly sometimes for well over an hour. They are very good at face timing if they see I’m on line.
I do feel I make most of the effort but I don’t mind. I have more time to think about them than they do to think about me.
you can’t bring them up to be independent then complain when they are.

No, but the ability to show appreciation occasionally is a desirable trait in well rounded adults. Life shouldn't be entirely viewed as a one way street.

Really appreciate the kind and helpful posts here.

Thank You so much.