Adult kids not interested in us.

[Birlngsnotnicepeople]

I would like some sense of the " outside world " if possible. When children are small, you are constantly comparing with other parents. It seems to die off when they reach Secondary school.
My AC are basically not bothered with us.
Is this just how it is?

Another poster talked about routines of seeing family. Could you say to them you'd like to see them more and make plans for a night of the week to have dinner/ a cup of tea/cake together? Once a fortnight. Or similar.

Very good point. How interesting we see things so differently. I tend to see pictures or films in my head, not text.

Agreed, but those same well rounded people wouldn’t need to post on MN to ask how to show how grateful they are. Which appeared to be your bugbear.

That's hard for you.
Previous generations had a sense of obligation to their family. We no longer feel that obligation which may be a good thing but there's also a definite downside.

I have four adult children who live in different parts of the country. They visit home a few times each year and we talk on the phone each week or more than once a week. We go and visit them where they are a few times a year.

Perhaps your children live close to home therefore don't see the need, they know you're there and assume you always will be.

Unfortunately people only read the first post and then give ‘advice’ . It will keep coming but don’t feel obliged to keep reading it.
depression and chronic pain is a a horrible duo, please be kind to yourself, take steps to get help tomorrow and then the rest of life will improve.

Yes, sometimes it is like that.
I'm 46, not suggesting this is you, when I was 25
I moved to another country and ever since
kept a very low contact with my toxic parents. (One died about 16 years ago).

wow, is that how you respond to your friends in real life who are depressed and in chronic pain?
You dont know if the poster is toxic, im sorry your parents were.
This place used to be lovely and supportive, I do despair.

That seemed like a balanced post to me and certainly doesn’t warrant this daft indignation

Will you see them over Christmas?

Kahlil Gibran 1883 –1931
And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

Your adult DC are not the right people to mitigate your loneliness or take a solicitous interest in the day to day stuff of your life. That’s what your friends and your spouse are for.

I’m also wondering whether you are as reticent in person as you are on here, and whether conversation with you might feel a bit effortful, with a lot of unexpressed aggression and defensiveness.

My dad always felt we didn’t bother with him. But the more effort I put into spending time with him, the more he’d go on about how I was neglecting and abandoning him.

He mainly wanted to chat about his complex medical conditions and doctor’s appointments and medications, and how the world was going to shit, and how everyone around him let him down, and how all his colleagues and neighbours were stupid / incompetent / evil.

He never showed any interest in my life.

Every conversation was an endless dump of martyrdom and misery, topped and tailed with guilt trips.

Eventually I figured if he was going to insist on feeling abandoned no matter how much attention I paid him, I might as well get the benefits of actually abandoning him. So I just stopped communicating with him.

(He still had his wife and second family - he had a huge support network of people by whom he delighted in feeling neglected)

I wonder if there is some form of this dynamic going on.

Our 3 drop in all the time and they text on and off through the day, one has just moved temporarily back home, one lives 80 miles away and we see him approx weekly.
They meet up as siblings for concerts and festivals which we aren't invited to. I have chronic pain but would never ever show this. I don't want them to fret about me.
When they are with us we keep things light and fun. I don't think they are here out of obligation but because they want to be. We spend a fortune on them though. We buy tickets for events for us all, host a yearly family holiday that they all come to with partners.
Could you book something and invite them all? Doesn't have to be expensive. Pub Quiz or day at the beach?

This

The OP might be wise to look at some of the threads on the stately homes forum to see whether she may see anything from her children’s perspective. Or even perhaps recognise one of them posting on there!

I missed the bit about not suggesting it was like her. Apologies, I was wrong but a bit upset by lack of empathy generally on the thread

I feel for you OP, one of mine is round the corner but works long hours so I might see him if he calls in randomly to borrow something or we have an arranged event. I see his wife and dog about three times a week. DD is 20 miles away, I see her once every couple of weeks but we talk every day and text 100 times a day.

We have a family group chat, we go for family meals every couple of months and have weekends and holidays away, some or all of us. All very casual and often impromptu. We might stay over at each others houses if we are babysitting or dog sitting or visiting elsewhere more local to one of other of us.

We are each others “go to” in times of need, from emergency child care to financial to moral support .

I think it helps if they are not far away.

We used to live about a 4 - 7 hour travel from each set of parents, mine in a different country and my husbands a long expensive train, or a longer cheap coach, journey away. We used to travel to see my parents about 4 times a year, with some of my family visiting at least every couple of months. We travelled to see his parents twice a year and in 5 years his mum visited once.
We now live in the same country as my parents and see them multiple times a week, and travel to see his parents every couple of years. They've not visited once.

When I was at uni, I'd see my parents once a year though so swings and roundabouts.

Apologise to the poster
not me

Sorry I didn’t read the post properly, it is fair

In your first few posts you mentioned living with chronic pain and being lonely, also having no one to talk to about your kids now that they’re grown up and them calling you but being self centred. If that’s your opener on a forum I think it likely that your kids are fed up of hearing you moaning and so are keeping their distance.

They still love you, but in your teens and twenties life takes some navigating and your parents problems are not something you readily cope with. It is common for contact to become less frequent.

You say you have interests but not what they are. What about joining a group (walking, or swimming might be good if you have issues with pain?) and meet people your own age. Try not to mention loneliness, pain, or go on about your kids on first chatting. As a member of such groups myself I tend to avoid members who are clearly emotionally needy or can only think about their family,

I prefer to talk about the hobby. This is my time now. How about you start by telling us about your hobby?

Adult kids are self centred, to begin with they need to be. The hard truth is that even if they live close by and keep in touch daily it will always be more about their lives than yours one way or another. Until you need care, but that’s a whole different thread.

My mum was widowed and in a lot of physical pain when I went to university and used to cry and open every phonecall (a few times a week, plus home for a visit every other weekend) with ‘I thought you’d forgotten me’…while never ONCE contacting me. I went no contact in my early thirties. There was no relationship left to save.

Gosh, there's some strange stuff on here. I don't moan, I don't talk about medical appointments. I might say " I'm a bit tired today after physio" That seems reasonable I think.

We are not in the league of a demanding and selfish older person or somebody with no self awareness here.

I was putting out feelers to see a bigger picture.

Try not to mention loneliness, pain, or go on about your kids on first chatting. As a member of such groups myself I tend to avoid members who are clearly emotionally needy or can only think about their family, I prefer to talk about the hobby. This is my time now

I very very rarely talk about myself or my family. I wouldn't dream of mentioning loneliness or pain. I am a kind, empathic person who can also be a bit of a performer and good fun.

@Northumberlandisbest said

"I have more time to think about them than they do to think about me"

Is absolutely true @Birlngsnotnicepeople, it's so very easy to conflate your perceived lack of "enough" contact with your children being "unbothered"

@NeedAnyHelpWithThatPaperBag your quote by Kahlil Gibran touched me.

And finally to @UnTrucDOeuf it's not a lack of empathy, is it, really.

Just lived experience for some parents and managing their expectations without emotionally blackmailing their children?

op I’m afraid you are hardly the most objective on that.

And you really don’t want to answer some fairly relevant questions, which in itself is an answer of sorts

Certainly your posting history would indicate you are in a very grey place and unhappy place - talking about how your mood
plummets when poor weather , about how low and depressed you feel In winter, how “grim” you feel, how you “despair” of society… I could go on

Yes I wasn't referring to the OP, it's just sometimes...it is normal (and alright), to answer her question.

@Considerlentils Yes you could go on, but please don't.

Regarding not answering questions, I am mindful of perhaps not saying too much.

Wise move as it turns out with people like you tracking me.