Adult kids not interested in us.

[Birlngsnotnicepeople]

I would like some sense of the " outside world " if possible. When children are small, you are constantly comparing with other parents. It seems to die off when they reach Secondary school.
My AC are basically not bothered with us.
Is this just how it is?

Do you think you provided a happy childhood or are there things that you feel you should apologise for?
I haven’t spoke with my mum for four years now because of this reason.
My husband feels similar about his mum and dad but is still in contact, he sees them around 3 times per year. They moan about this but are quite hard to be around, very negative.
Plus we both work 40+ hours a week and it seems it’s always us arranging things.

I think it just depends on their personality and how close you are

My friend has a 20 year old son, he visits her weekly, they go for nice meals with his partner ect

She also has a 15 year old who absolutely adores spending time with her,

Mine are a lot younger than my friends but I so hope mine want to visit me and spend time with me when their older like my friends DC do

Do they live close by?
Do they have partners, kids?
Do they have demanding full time jobs?

A bit more context needed. What is it they don't do that you think they should be doing? Do they have their own families now/kids/busy work etc?

@ Gardener, All I can say is I absolutely tried my upmost to be a good parent.

Sounds like you may be wanting to lean on them emotionally if you're lonely in your partnership/marriage which a lot of adult children don't want to know about or be involved in.

Do you have friends or a Frienship group/hobby group for your social needs?

They don't have kids, they live reasonably close by. Probably not fair to lump them together as they are v different and the relationship is diffferent.

One of them just isn't bothered, We are an afterthought.

I’m sure you did but If there is any past hurt that they might be carrying acknowledging it and apologising can go a long way.

@TomatoSandwiches I have activities I enjoy.

How can I apologise for something if I don't know what it is please?

I don't think it's this, I think it's a lot of other factors.

We have a family WhatsApp group and share what’s going on in our lives.
Sometimes we have a zoom call and they come back sometimes for weekends or occasions.
We also ask them to join us if we are letting an air b and b sometimes.
I like that they’re independent and remember being the same in my twenties.
we never put any pressure on them about seeing us, but I do make an effort with nice food and entertainment when they’re back.
We also visit them and find out about their lives.
i have chronic pain too, it can make things seem hard but i distract myself and try not to talk too much about it, they know and understand but can’t really magic it away.

YABU for a post with so little information, eg how often you see and speak to your DC, how far away they live and so on. What you’ve done to maintain your relationship with each of them.

I think there's always a reason, usually its a lack of self awareness, either from the parent or the adult DC.

Do they socialise with their sibling or do they not bother with them also?

Try asking. Dm is blowing up my phone everyday (because it suits her now, despite hardly bothering when she was occupied, and when I needed her the most). Now she needs me, and keeps up a facade that we have a mother/daughter relationship that we never ever had. Ihave dcs, and she is wanting whatsapp conversations every day, when this is not our relationship.

I am not saying that this is anywhere similar to what you're going through op, but a conversation can go a long way.

It's quite infrequent

I think there can be different factors. We live very close to MIL and have DC so we see her pretty regularly, DH can easily pop in for a chat etc. Whereas MILs daughter lives a few hours away, no kids, busy career and she maybe speaks on the phone once a month. No bad feelings or anything, just circumstances.

It depends.

If they don’t talk to you at all, then you/your DH is likely to be the problem.

If they do but they don’t spends loads of time with you, then it’s likely they’re just busy.

I do find I work all week and then the weekends I want to just relax or cram in seeing friends, shopping, cleaning, visiting new places etc.

How often do you see them?

My DC are in their mid/late twenties and live about 90 minutes travel away.

We are in daily contact online and talk on the phone regularly. DS probably three times a week and DD once.

We meet up face to face on average every 6 weeks.

Do you rustle up some grub when they DO pop round?

I think that, especially pre children, it’s normal for your adult dc to be forming their own adult lives. It won’t always be that way.

You do sound a bit whingy in your posts OP - if that carries over into your interactions with your kids, I promise you they will not want to hear about it.

You can communicate your problems factually if you think they need to know, so long as you also follow up by telling them all the steps you are taking to deal with the issue(s), and there is NO HINT that you expect anything from them in response beyond a "how annoying, but that sounds like a good way to deal with it" and maybe "my friend's Mum tried X and apparently it's quite helpful"

Do not make your problems theirs , it's the best way I can think of to make your kids scoot away in the opposite direction. (Unless you have enmeshed them in FOG which it sounds like you have been wise enough not to do)

@DierdreDaphne by all means direct me to the whingey bits please.

Thanks.

This is like squeezing blood out of a stone. If this is how a typical conversation is with your children, I’m not surprised they don’t visit as much as you would like.