To not want to take 6 year old to grandparents funeral?

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My mother in law has passed away recently and my daughter who’s just gone 6 was understandably really upset on the day it happened but has since been ok. What is general thought with funerals? Should she be going to the funeral? I would prefer her not to as they are obviously upsetting environments and she already thinks she is in heaven so I’m not sure it would help? I think my father in law would like her though? Would you take your 6 year old? Would it be unreasonable of me for her to not go?

Your dd would be better off in school. Sorry for your loss

School

I would (and have) taken a 6 year old to a funeral, but I wouldn’t tell a child that a person who had died had gone to heaven, so probably a different approach altogether.

Although what do you partner think, given it’s his mother

Tricky one as every 6 year old is different. You'll get people saying it's not suitable while others will say it's perfectly fine. I personally would give her the option if possible, let her ask questions, explain what funerals are and what happens so she knows what to expect. Yes, funerals can be upsetting, but if she does go I doubt she's going to be scarred for life. I've been to funerals where young children were present and they just got on with it.

My parents never let me go to any of my grandparents’ funerals, even though I was into my teens when the last of them died. I was 42 before I went to a funeral and before that worried a lot that the first funeral I went to would be my parents’ and I’d have no idea how to organise one.

I don’t know your daughter and if it would be too much, but don’t let her get to 42 without attending one and understanding that death and mourning is a normal part of life.

My kids were 8 and 6 losing a grandparent, and were upset when they heard but were fine at the funeral. They were curious about the whole thing, so I found myself quietly fielding some interesting questions, but it didn't bother them. It didn't particularly mean anything to them either, so they could as easily have not gone, but it was a handy introduction to a social situation that they'll find themselves in again in the future.

This. My children have attended all family funerals since they were tiny, but I know my children, and I know they wouldn't be traumatised by it - a bit sad and upset, yes, but not traumatised. But my sister wouldn't take her youngest, as she knows he would find it very distressing.

You know your child best, so it's up to you. Personally I think it's ok for a child to be mildly upset by funerals, and to see that other people are upset too - it's all a natural part of life and death. But if you think your child would find it very traumatic, then she shouldn't attend.

My neice was 8 when my DM passed and on the day of the funeral she went to school but did come to the wake - my brother was worried that seeing him upset would make DN (his DD) upset and he didn't want that.

I had to take my DD6 to my nans funeral, school wasn’t an option as funeral was some distance away. Anyone to look after her wasn’t an option as everyone was at the funeral

in honesty she was absolutely fine. It was held at a crematorium if that makes any difference, so the service was 30mins or less. Nan lived a long life so the wake wasn’t a sad affair and more toast to a long happy life lived. In those circumstances I would take her. If her passing was sudden/ distressing I’d try and thing of other options if you understand what I mean

sending love

Op my mother believed in taking children to funerals of someone they weren’t as close to or someone elderly so their first funeral was not as sad. This is her d grandma but I would still bring her so she can witness the passage of a death/ funeral.

the body is just the the package. The soul has gone to heaven. It’s like a present…the outer packaging is pretty but it’s what’s inside that is important and that part has gone to heaven
also the idea of we are saying farewell to GM on this side but as soon as she crosses the horizon a cheer goes up as she is welcomed by those who have died before her…her siblings parents etc
you can fine tune these types of explanations to better fit your beliefs but I found my young dc understood these concepts
Sorry for your loss op my dm died at this time of year also in 2016

Do what's best for your child. We didn't take our 4 year old to a grandparent's funeral. She would have been the only young child there, and between the funeral service and cremation, we thought it would have been too much for her to cope with. So we sent her to school as normal. That's what was best for her.

DD was about 10 and my nephew was 2 when my Mum died.

They didn't come to the funeral itself, my Dad looked after them (my parents were divorced). They did come to the "party" afterwards though (My mum was very adamant that it be a party. "You'll all get pissed and say nice things about me. I'm 58, I'm not having some morose tea and cucumber sandwiches crap" were her instructions.)

To be honest, it helped to have them there, they lightened the tone, mad people laugh, and made it more of a family gathering than a deeply depressing day. Nephew obviously had no clue what was going on, DD did though, and afterwards said she was glad she was there, and saw how many people loved Grandma.

Funerals are no place for young children. YANBU.

It’s so weird the relationship people in England/ Scotland and Wales have with death. In Ireland (North and South) we all get involved in the wake and the funeral. My DD was 4 and DS was 2 when my FIL died and they went to the funeral on Christmas morning!!! Youngest DS was only 3 when my DM died, and again, everyone was in the house with the corpse and went to the funeral.

Death is part of life, just introduce it without being focused on it, let her attend but don’t keep taking about it. Also, what does her dad want? It’s his mum’s funeral.

Yes I would, they are unfortunately part of life and as long as you feel able to answer questions then do it. Explain ahead what to expect and if you have a friend coming who can be in charge of your dc and take them outside if they do find it overwhelming that isn’t a bad idea but in the hundreds I’ve organised 95% of dc have been not only ok, but often make these occasions make sense somehow, hope for the future type thing. On one I organised last week there were 6 dc aged 2 weeks to 14 years old.

you know your dc best ultimately but not taking her because she may be upset isn’t a reason

Usual disclaimer: I'm Irish, so we do death differently to the UK. But for us it would be extremely unusual for any child not to go to their grandparent's funeral.

Is that you Cat Deeley?

But if you read the posts on here, many people are saying that the DD should attend.

We've always taken ours to family funerals. Seems so weird to not include them in saying goodbye to loved family members. Mine have never been traumatized - just a normal, healthy amount of sad.

The exception I would probably make is if the death was very unexpected or another child etc. but for grandparents/ great grandparents definitely take them

Is it an open casket funeral?
If not, I wouldn’t consider not taking her! It’s her grandparents funeral - madness and quite cruel I think to exclude her.

If it’s an open casket funeral - I can understand not taking but personally I would. But with lots of discussion before hand about what to expect.

In Ireland you’d be expected to take the children to the funeral as it’s considered a normal part of the grieving process.

I took my toddler to his granny’s funeral but he didn’t really understand what was happening. He did provide light relief for all the oldies that were at the wake and he enjoyed getting lots of attention from them.

In contrast my mum didn’t let me attend either of my grandparents funerals even as a teenager. It wasn’t until my dad died when I was 19 that I attended my first funeral. That was horribly shocking as I had no idea what to expect and the bloody coffin was lowered into the basement in the crematorium rather than having curtains close around it. Bloody awful and the memory had never left me over 40 years later.

I think 6 is still very young and you know your DD best so do what you feel is right and don’t be bulldozed by others.

I would take your daughter. It’s good for them to learn the process. Just explain things simply and clearly. Emphasise that you are likely to be upset as will others be but, if she isn’t upset at all, that’s perfectly fine.

If you are at all unsure, go to the church beforehand or early so she can have a look around and ask questions then.

I wouldn't, no. Yanbu

I didn't take ds3 to the funeral of a very close relative. There is nothing to be gained for the child. The adults just use the child as a distraction & ice breaker, and I wouldn't use my child in that way.

I got a lot of grief over it but for me it was non-negotiable.

6 is a bit young. They won’t understand. I wouldn’t.