To not want to take 6 year old to grandparents funeral?

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My mother in law has passed away recently and my daughter who’s just gone 6 was understandably really upset on the day it happened but has since been ok. What is general thought with funerals? Should she be going to the funeral? I would prefer her not to as they are obviously upsetting environments and she already thinks she is in heaven so I’m not sure it would help? I think my father in law would like her though? Would you take your 6 year old? Would it be unreasonable of me for her to not go?

You know your child.I went to funerals as a child and mine have been to funerals from the age of 5. We don't do the Heaven thing..so don't know if that is relevant. When I was young I remember being sad that other family members were sad if that makes sense.

Minus the Haribo, this is my experience too; I’m not Irish, but I’m an American Catholic, so there’s probably some cultural overlap when it comes to the norms surrounding funerals. I went to a lot of wakes as a child because my grandparents all had four siblings, minimum, with one having seven and one having eleven. Between them and their spouses, I’d say there was a death about every eighteen months on average. Not traumatic, not a big deal.

I had a good conversation with my cousin's 5 year old at my uncle's funeral about grandpa had died because he was very ill.and we were sad, but also happy he had had a long and good life and it was lovely that all his friends and family had come together to share stories about how much they all loved him.

Children understand.

I can’t imagine not taking a child to her grandmother’s funeral. Funerals are when the family comes together, and it’s her own grandmother, not a great-great-aunt or distant cousin.

No heaven here either.

Sounds awful.

There maybe people present truly devastated, stricken

100% agree with this.

Yeah we were never told the heaven thing either. We were told quite matter of factly about how death means the end because people were too ill, old or hurt for their bodies to carry on but we continue to remember and love them.

To me, that's like saying I don't approve of taking young children to petrol stations. Funerals are a normal part of life. Why wouldn't you take them?

It's a cultural thing I think. Grandchildren would always come to an Irish funeral and no-one would give it a second thought.

@Considerlentils I mean he was an 85 year old man who had been in poor health for a while, people were sad but not stricken. Also I take it you've not been to a large Irish family funeral? Thet are to celebrate a life not just mourn.

There would almost certainly have been devastated family there, and they would likely see it a sign that life continues on in the midst of death, as it alway has done.

I didn’t take either of mine to my mum’s funeral. They were 8 and 5 at the time.

No to the funeral but yes to the tea/wake afterwards. I think it's too upsetting for them but I think they would benefit from hearing all about them at the wake when people tend to have happy stories about them and are more relaxed. Sorry for your loss.

Why would you not?

I agree. Funerals are all a part of life and I don't believe in shielding children from reality (unless it's something truly horrific of course). It's a chance for her to mix with a cross section of adults of all ages and at the end of the day it was her grandmother. And unless you truly believe in God, I certainly wouldn't tell her she'd gone to heaven. Anyway, to be fair most children of that age don't really understand, let alone be traumatised.

I've so been to some truely sad funerals in my time - at 11 I went to the funeral of lt school friend's father who died age 39 from cancer. At 16 my own mother's funeral who died at 48 from a brain tumour. At 22 my brother' friend who committed suicide aged 25. They can still be celebrations of life and fine for children to attend.

Like I said, some English people are very odd about death and funerals.

We took ours to my mil's funeral because FIL and DH wanted them there. They were the only children, but were also her only grandchildren, and it felt completely appropriate. They were 5, 9 and 11. MIL had wanted grandchildren so much and they were so important to her - when she got her diagnosis she'd wanted to hang on for the youngest's first day of school (we live in a country where children start school at 6 and the first day is a big family occasion with both sets of grandparents usually and presents, new clothes, photos and an extended family meal) but she didn't quite make it.

It was years ago and the youngest recently changed his bedroom around and put her memorial card up on display. It still seems completely appropriate that they went to the funeral, but obviously different families/ children/ local cultures are different.

I was about that age when my Grandpa died. We were very close and I adored him. I suspect it was what he wanted, but I wasn't allowed at his funeral. I really struggled with having to visit his grave as a child and adolescent. It was only as I got much, much older that I was able to visit.

Sorry for your loss. When mine were a similar age we didn’t take them to my fil’s funeral. We did take them to the wake which I feel was beneficial. I do think it’s a very personal thing and you know your child best.

My DDs were 7 and 1 when my DM died, and both attended the funeral (the baby was there because literally everyone who would have watched her was also at the funeral). It was a church service and burial. My MIL took my oldest for a walk after the service so she didn't see the coffin being interred, and met us later at the wake. My DD was fine - she had a very close bond with her Grandma, so it felt right to include her. She's 21 now, and I've just asked her if she thinks we did the right thing, and she says she's glad we took her.

All that being said, you know your child best, and should do what feels right for them.

Kids running around high on haribo? I don’t think they need that reminder in the couple of hours that they are getting together with family and friends, some of whom they may not have seen for many years, to remember someone passing.

Well, here in Ireland it is normal and valued.

Honestly, this was the only positive legacy of my catholic education. We went to mass once a week as a school (more at Easter and Christmas). Catholic funerals are tied to a mass. If someone died, the family would often request that the funeral be held on school mass day as a) it guaranteed a crowd, b) meant there would be a choir and c) saved taking kids out of school as someone would be related to the deceased and d) the school is part of the congregation and so plays its part in comforting the deceased. By the time I went to non-denominational high school I must have been to 50 funerals.

This meant that we grew up seeing funerals as part of life and as a result, I am very pro kids attending and learning that death and celebration of life is part of the natural way of life.

For clarity: there’s really not much else that was positive about catholic primary school!

It’s not a solemn occasion, though, or not a purely solemn one, anyway. It’s also a party. There’s no need for children to be standing about po-faced, like a doomy, juvenile Greek chorus.