To not want to take 6 year old to grandparents funeral?

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My mother in law has passed away recently and my daughter who’s just gone 6 was understandably really upset on the day it happened but has since been ok. What is general thought with funerals? Should she be going to the funeral? I would prefer her not to as they are obviously upsetting environments and she already thinks she is in heaven so I’m not sure it would help? I think my father in law would like her though? Would you take your 6 year old? Would it be unreasonable of me for her to not go?

It depends on your daughter, no one else can decide if it's a right or wrong decision. My cousin died when my son was 4, and my husband took me and my parents to the funeral 70 miles away from where we lived. My son didn't know my cousin, had never met him, so we decided he'd go to the local park with my husband, whilst we were in the service. My son did go to the Wake (I checked with my cousin's wife beforehand), but he didn't understand what was going on. I'd explained in very simple terms, but at 4, he didn't have the capacity to understand. I think a grandparent is different, someone who, presumably, your daughter knew and is close with. Again at 6, even explained simply, a child isn't going to fully comprehend the situation. What does your husband think? You know your child, there's no wrong or right answer, it's what's best for your daughter.

Ds1 was three at his grandfather's funeral. We do believe in heaven, and had talked to him about it. However, when we arrived at Grandpa's favourite pub for drinks after the service and ds put two and two together, and announced delightedly. 'Are we here already? This is heaven, isn't it? His Grandpa would have thoroughly approved.

Op, Inam sorry for your loss. There is no right or wrong answer. You know your dad best, and is you don't feel it would help her to be there, don't force it. Is the funeral nearby? Could she go to school and you collect her to see Fil afterwards?

Agh Typos.

I am sorry for your loss.

You know your dd best.

I took similar aged children to funerals.
I think they do belong at their grandparents funerals. I remember one was 5 and asked questions which I answered without being twee about heaven etc, I just said I did not know what would happen to the grandparent next (because I don’t know). They understood in their own way. Death is a fact of life.

Seeing a body like what I had to do as a child, due to an open coffin. No, I didn’t like that at all and I was scared. However regular funerals, they were just part of family life and closure. You see grief and form an understanding.

I think it’s highly disrespectful to not bring your daughter. Death is a part of life and we must learn to face it and respect the person who passed away. It also allows your daughter to acknowledge her own sadness and grief even if she can’t fully comprehend. My child attended her first funeral at age four and she still talks about it five years later as she adored the uncle who died. Last year she attended an open casket funeral. No issues at all. Let your daughter say goodbye to her grandmother for goodness sake.

You know your child best, so it's up to you. Personally I think it's ok for a child to be mildly upset by funerals, and to see that other people are upset too - it's all a natural part of life and death. But if you think your child would find it very traumatic, then she shouldn't attend

This.

I would take her unless there's a reason it will be particularly traumatic for her.

My youngest was 4 when he first attended a funeral. Death is part of life and shouldn't be hidden away.

I'm still cross that I wasn't allowed to go to my lovely grandpa's funeral when I was 10. I didn't understand why I couldnt go and it left me with the idea that a funeral must be a horrible thing that I needed to be protected from.

At mil's funeral it was a horrible rainy day and just at the committal this huge rainbow appeared, ds spotted it first and shouted "look, there's a rainbow!". The Minister stopped speaking and we all turned and looked, it was beautiful and made everyone smile.

Do the right thing for your child not your FIL. She should not be used to make it easier for anyone. It is a very sad time, and seeing loved adults in tears can be frightening for a child.

What does your DH think, as it’s his mother?

Sadly I have been to two funerals in the last couple of months and no I think she needs to go to school.

There were a couple of children at the two funerals I went to and tbh - the parents seem to be using it as some sort of learning process. Talking loudly to children at inappropriate times, children shouting out and one children who was probably about 9 screaming and having to be taken out.

They weren’t direct family members but it all seemed to be about them and what they were learning.

I think it depends on her behaviour/maturity.

If she will sit quietly and be respectful, it's a good thing for them to see that this is how we say goodbye, this is how we support our family and a ritual that is part of our culture and tradition.

If she will be doing cartwheels in front of the coffin and shrieking through the ceremony then she won't learn anything from it and would be better not going.

I think it depends not only on your child but also on your family / community’s general customs around funerals.

As others have said, in Ireland, going would be expected, and in fact not going might cause offence.

At the other end of the scale, my family’s historical custom and practice (originally from South Wales) is that only adult males attend funeral services - though this is no longer as strictly applied as it was eg when I was a child.

Do what you think is best within the family context both you and your DD belong to. There isn’t a ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ that can be universally applied.

I took my then 6 year old DS to FiL's funeral, because it was 200 miles away, and we had no one to leave him with, and his older siblings were going. He didn't know FiL well, partly because of the distance, so tbh he wasn't as upset as a couple of his cousins were. His cousins (7 &5 at the time ) didn't go to the funeral, their parents thought it would be too upsetting, but they did come to the wake afterwards. All the kids were fine with decisions made for them.
Do what works best for you. You might feel you or DH need not to be looking after children during the funeral, I did wonder how DS would cope with seeing his dad upset, or if DH would want just to be dealing with his own emotions. Some people see the DC as a welcome distraction, a reminder that life goes on. bear in mind that church funerals can be long so you'd want to know that your DC can sit quietly for the appropriate amount of time.

My six year old DS came to my DF’s funeral but with a few adjustments - I took him to the church in my own car by myself, and he and I did not walk in with my family behind the coffin. We sat at the far side of the aisle, and I brought him books/colouring, and didn’t take him to the cemetery, he went straight to the church hall for some biscuits. He was fine and just asked a few logical questions about it which we answered. He was used to going to the church and church hall already which helped.

I went to my great grandparents' funerals at a similar age. They weren't traumatising. They are actually quite a nice memory now of being with extended family and wearing a nice dress.

It depends on your DD and your family. Most funerals I have been to - of older people especially - have been quite sad occasions at the church service, and then pretty jolly at the wake. If in laws are will be very demonstrative in their grief in ways your DD isn't used to (a few tears ok; hysterical crying probably not), or the funeral will be a moment to air old grievances, maybe don't take her. Otherwise, I imagine she'll be fine. I would take my nearly 6 year old DS to the funeral of a close family member. Generally, I think death should be a normal part of life, and children shouldn't be totally shielded from adults expressing normal human emotions.

If you do take her, you need to prepare her and have plans: adults will be sad and crying because this is a sad time; people will be talking and she'll need to sit quietly through the service; will the body be visible? if so, prepare her for that; if she gets fidgety or finds it too upsetting, who will take her out?, etc. I'm sorry for your loss.

I would take them. I have taken mine to family funerals since they were babies (always checking with the closest family prior to going). I think it is hugely important to see death as something that happens, that we cope with together and talk about, and that doesn't end your feelings towards that person - grief is love with nowhere to go etc.

I'm sorry you're having to navigate this. My children have unfortunately been to some funerals in the last couple of years. They were sad but were ok on the day and I don't think the funeral made anything worse for them. They found seeing adults crying most upsetting but that wasn't specific to the funeral. . Partly we took them because they were at a distance and finding anyone to look after the children for several days would have been difficult to impossible. But I think also they would have wanted to be there if I'd given them the option.
I explained in as much detail as possible what was going to happen beforehand eg showed them pictures of the crematorium and even the coffin in one case where I'd been involved in choosing it. I told them what would be put on top of the coffin (we had some personal items, not just flowers). We also asked the crematorium to just leave the coffin in place until we'd gone, no curtains going round it or it moving out of sight or anything.
I used this website which has videos explaining about funerals for children (there's a separate one for burials).
https://www.childbereavementuk.org/what-happens-at-a-cremation-animation

In my experience children don't always seem continuously 'sad' like we do but they are still grieving in their own way - they can seem completely fine and happy but then ask questions which show they have been thinking about it. So I think it's important to give opportunities to talk about it/ask questions if they want to (without dwelling on it excessively if the child doesn't want to talk or putting pressure on them to feel sad). They might not have the vocabulary to talk about it or they might worry it will upset you if they mention it.

I hope all the arrangements go smoothly whatever you decide.

When my DS Great Grampa and Nana died - we gave DS the choice. He was about 6 and 8 and had a very close with both. Yes it was a sad day and yes he cried, but he was also able to demonstrate compassion and maturity beyond his years. I was in a similar situation with his sister earlier on in the year, and for her we decided no as it would be too stressful for her (and by extension) others.

FWIW - my mum died when I was 2. I never went to her funeral. I think about this decision a lot and wished I would have gone. It would have been meaningful to know I was there now that I’m older.

There is no blanket rule - no kid or family is the same. Then there’s the cultural element. Make the decision which best suits you and perhaps most importantly, your child.

We took DS aged 6 to MIL’s funeral. I think it was important that he was part of a family occasion. We explained what was going to happen and he comforted Daddy when he cried and understood that it was okay for everyone to be sad. He’s 13 now. He remembers going in the big car and not much else!

Without knowing your dd I wouldn’t op.. if she was 9 yes, at 6 I think she may find it confusing and overwhelming.

Funeral. If MIL was elderly when she died then it will be a celebration of her life. And it’s always such a positive to see the next generation there - in the midst of death there is life.

My stepchildren (then aged 11 and 8) attended their mother’s funeral but were relieved to return to school the next day

It wouldn't cross my mind not to take her. Never heard this idea of children being excluded from funerals on MN.

I went to plenty as a child and my cousins were 4 and 6 at our grandmother's. Everyone would have found it really odd if they weren't there.

Of course she should go. Would you include your child in christenings, baptisms, wedding, civil partnerships, birthday parties, anniversaries?

Funerals are celebrations, albeit sad ones and going isn’t optional for the majority of people of any age. It’s about respect and the natural order of life.

Im sorry for the loss of your mother in law.

Too young imo. I wouldn’t take any child under 10.

At the other end of the scale, my family’s historical custom and practice (originally from South Wales) is that only adult males attend funeral services - though this is no longer as strictly applied as it was eg when I was a child

Until recently years only men attended the graveside in my corner of south west Scotland. Church service yes , burial no. We often wonder now if that was because they thought the women would get hysterical or because they were expected to go ahead and get the tea ready.