To not want to take 6 year old to grandparents funeral?

[FactFile1]

My mother in law has passed away recently and my daughter who’s just gone 6 was understandably really upset on the day it happened but has since been ok. What is general thought with funerals? Should she be going to the funeral? I would prefer her not to as they are obviously upsetting environments and she already thinks she is in heaven so I’m not sure it would help? I think my father in law would like her though? Would you take your 6 year old? Would it be unreasonable of me for her to not go?

I took the DCs to their great grandma's funeral at 4 and 7, including to the wake.
I think it was nice for them to be with the rest of the family. Neither of them were scared. (Am also not English)

I was that 6 year old child who lost a grandfather.
I was the only one in my direct family not allowed to go to the funeral, and for years afterwards I internalised that I had done something wrong or been to blame for him dying. Also I never got to say the goodbye when everyone else did.

Its 40+ years later now and I still remember being packed off to a relative, then seeing all my family return later all upset and I couldn't understand what I'd done.

Re: grandma being in heaven I said her soul had gone to heaven but her body was going into the ground, DS2 decided she was going to turn into a fossil (like a dinosair).

Every funeral I’ve ever been to has had young children there. I don’t think funerals are something that should be hidden from children tbh. FIL died in January, the crematorium where we had the service had a family room where people could sit and watch via video link if they thought the children wouldn’t cope well in the main room.

I’d definitely take her, but none of us know her like you do @FactFile1

I’m in Ireland and it would be unheard of for a six year old not to attend their grandmother’s funeral. I know things are very different in the UK though.

I think you know your child and the family.
Is there a wake after the service? Could she go to that? That's usually a good atmosphere and easier for children because they can chat and move about.

Yes, exactly. DS (13) has been to numerous family funerals.

We've always taken our kids to funerals, yes the funeral is sad but then the wake is happier to hear stories etc. you know your child so know how they would cope.

As pp said, we don't do heaven though so my kids know about relatives either being buried or cremated.

Children are part of the family, funerals are an important part of family life. Not only do I think its ok, I think children should be at funerals. Funerals are generally only traumatic if its been a traumatic death. I've been to one which was incredibly painful because the person had been murdered but usually they are a celebration of a loved and missed person, so there are happy memories mixed with the sadness, and its part of growing up. I don't think any age is too young. My children have been to funerals throught their lives. The most important thing is to talk to them about what has happened, what is going to happen so they are prepared, and if they are old enough, ask them if they want to go.

I would absolutely take her. I don’t think seeing people upset about someone dying should be avoided and shielding children from the reality of loss has the potential to create an unhealthy attitude around death. However as others have said you know her best, and if you did decide to take her I would want to be sitting somewhere where you could talk and explain things to her.

My family always take children to funerals. I went to my uncle's funeral earlier this month and his grandchildren and great grandchildren were there. I think there is somethig life affirming about the younger generations being present.

I grew up.in a rural farming community and funerals are communal social occasions. You go to pay your respects on behalf of you family/business/local pub etc... My parents always took me to funerals, which in hindsight was a good idea as my mum.died unexpectedly when I was 16. I am forever grateful the first funeral I went to wasn't my mums.

My son was 5 when my dad died and he did come to the funeral, it was a long way from home and we didn't have anyone else to look after him, my partner wanted to be there to support me in general but for the funeral itself he was with our son and took him off to play during the wake.

It’s different for everyone but personally I wouldn’t take her. I didn’t attend a funeral until adulthood and my own children haven’t attended the many funerals we’ve sadly had in the last 5 years. They’ve never expressed a desire to, and I’ve far preferred not having them to think about during an already-hard day. Sorry for your loss.

Your final point is important, and isn’t made often enough. If you’re not taken to older family members’ or neighbours’ funerals as a child, it’s very likely the first funeral you will attend is a parent or other close family member. It’s easier, in a time of grief, to have had some previous experience of funeral-going.

I do not approve of taking young children to funerals. Why would you.

My children have been to funerals at 4 months, 10 months, 2 years, 3 years, 5 years, 7 years and older through to teens.

Im not sure where else they would have been considering I was at the funerals, their father and other relatives were m at the funerals. I organised and paid for at least three of the funerals and one of the wakes was in my house, where else would they have gone.

I’m not sure how anyone could suggest it was inappropriate for them to attend. Especially funerals or services for their grandparents and siblings, where else would they be.

Because it is part of life and being a family. I don't believe you protect children by excluding them from these things. But I am a farm kid - we tend to be a bit more pragmatic about the uncomfortable parts of life.

Some English people can be so uptight about death and funerals. Mr Monkey is Irish and at his dad's funeral everyone came and I mean everyone from babes in arms upwards. All the kids ran around jacked up on Haribo at the wake. It was fine.

I would take her. It's part of the process of mourning and saying goodbye, and teaches her about honouring dead loved ones.

My six-year-old went to my uncle’s funeral last spring. What is it you think six-year-olds couldn’t understand?

Far too young to go to a funeral just to please your father in law. Your mil won’t know she hasn’t gone.

Six year olds grasp death perfectly well. And are often rather unsentimental about it.

You mention what your FIL thinks but not… your partner, your child’s father, son of the deceased.

Id say his view on it is a little important OP?

Personally I think it's an important part of death, understanding, grief and family. I've always taken my children to family funerals.

You know your child best.
fwfw when FiL died when DD was 6, she and I didn’t attend the actual funeral, we met up with everyone afterwards for the food - she played in the sun in a pretty frock and cheered people up.
when MiL died when she was about 13 she didn’t want to spend 2 days off school to go so she stayed with a schoolfriend so I could go with DH.